My Reboot Journal, thanks to everyone!

Marco

Member
Hi, my name is Marco and I'm close to 34. I'm in my 3rd week of reboot.
I was consuming internet/video porn for more than 16 years regularly. I watched porn like 5-7 days a week on average one hour. Like many others I got more and more used to extreme stuff to get my kick. After orgasm I felt more and more poor, I thought "I'm a fucking creep!".

6 Month ago I broke up with my long time girlfriend (6 year long relationship). During my relationship I discovered/evolved DE (Delayed Ejaculation) but never had ED (Erectile Dysfunction) (I think this combination really confused me). I was often very frustrated after sex without ejaculation. It fast become a vicious circle: I had fears while sex not to cum and this caused stress and this caused not to cum .... and so on.
Often after "unsuccessful" sex I fell in a depression for days, did not talk to my girlfriend and avoided her presence. It was horrible for her, she cried a lot and did't understand my behavior.
I knew that something was wrong with me, but I could not find the cause. I said to her that my head is not free and it is blocking my sex. But I also thought she is not attracting me enough because my expectations were crazy high and extreme. She could only do it wrong, she had no chance.
But the sex was not the main reason for the separation, but It heavily effected her and my mood.

I also was very depressive in these years and I fell very useless and worthless, had low self esteem, I had sleeping disorders for like ever, I had often total loss of motivation, felt numb and foggy in the head, had a lot of self doubt, had no trust in my self and others, I more and more withdrawn myself. Also the feeling of love was dead inside of me, for a long time.
I was very angry and hateful at times, it effected everyone around me.

For better understanding I am a very extrovert and vivid person, very funny and I like to be among other people. But it all went in the opposite direction and that hurt me a lot. And every one around me noticed my expiration.

And then, on a sunny, beautiful spring day (3 weeks ago) I surfed through youtube and found a video about this subject (it was a TED talk) and I got curios.
Later that day I found Gabe Deems videos and this shit blew my mind!!! It literally was a giant punch in my face! I woke up!
Suddenly it was all clear to me! There was the problem, it was so obvious all the time, it's a crazy fucking joke! It was my enlightenment!

I feel good now. The brain fog is gone, I have a lot more energy and motivation. The first thing I recognized, I can look people in the eyes while talking. Amazing!
The first week I M with my imagination, but it was hard to finish off. I thought about real persons but I cought my self thinking about extreme stuff. So I stopped M since week two.
I talked with my ex girlfriend about this topic and she was happy to hear this from me. (She is a sexual pedagogue btw. so I can speak very open with her) It feels very good to talk about this, now I talk with everyone about this. For me the honesty is part of my recovery, I can't hide anymore.
To keep my focus right I play a lot more guitar, learn new songs and listen to music. I was surprised how music can hit me emotional. ;D

Then last weekend I meet my ex girlfriend at a party and we ended up having sex, three times. The first two times I had no orgasm but I was't a problem anymore, it was ok for me now. A beautiful feeling, so beautiful that I startet crying during sex. I think because the black magic voodoo curse is gone. I feel relieved.
But I wanted her to know, that the problem was on my side all the time. I felt guilty for her bad feelings all the years and she appreciate this. (Thanks to the partners in this forum, they gave me a new point of view!) And she supports me even now, she is a true angel!

I'm on my way/mission to a better life! ;D
Thanks to you guys, all the Journals helped me a lot, so I want to share my story.
Special thanks to Gabe Deem, thanks for you honesty and open words. You are my hero, I love you dude!  8)

I deeply wish everyone strength and willpower to overcome their problems!
Stand together brothers and sisters in these crazy times!

Cheers Marco.

PS: Feel free to talk to me, you can also massage me in German.
 

motojunky

Member
Marco,

This was very encouraging for me to read. Continue to stay strong and glad things are looking up with you and the lady friend.
 

Marco

Member
Hi everybody,
what a crazy week!
Last weekend I was very close with my ex-girlfriend (see OP) and it was an amazing experience. We were full of hope that our dreams maybe could came true again in the future ....
.... but she went on a 3 day trip with one of my/our closest friend, to visit a life concert.
Guess what happend there. They had sex on wednesday, my birthday. I saw both of them on my birthday party at a bar.
Later that night (I slept at my ex apartment) she told me what happend.
So this shit is now very emotional for me, because this affects a circle of friends too. I have a feeling a part of my social life is falling apart now and I lost 2 close, trusted people I loved so much. I'm still can not understand this im my head ... it makes no sense to me.

But I'm on day 22 and about 2 weeks without MO, which is nice! ;D I'm kind of in a flatline, my urge to M is kind of gone, even if I touch my self nothing happens. But I take this positive, my dick is letting me do my stuff and I can stay focused :D
Overall I'm surprisingly in a good mood. I'm still optimistic about my reboot and my new way of life!

Thanks to you all for listening, writing and helping!
I wish everyone strength and optimism for your reboot!

Cheers Marco.
 

Marco

Member
Hi everyone,
I hit the 30 days!  8)

Last week I stopped smoking and drinking, because I have read in other Journals that alcohol and cigarettes can slow down the reboot process.
Everything was fine until friday, I was on a party and had some beers. The next two days I felt bad for it, felt like a relapse.

The whole week I did a lot of sport and outdoor activities and tried eat more healthy food. It helped me to stay on track and stop thinking about the reboot thing all the time.
I have mood swings all the time, but It could also be caused by not smoking/drinking.

I also noticed how I'm effected by "hot" girls in like advertisements, youtube thumb nails, internet clickbait ads, facebook pictures, etc. I react with excitement on those things, it's kind of scary.

Overall I'm still positive, motivated and strong.
Thanks again to everyone for listening und writing.
Keep it up, it helps a lot!

Marco
 
T

TheNewMe

Guest
Marco said:
I also noticed how I'm effected by "hot" girls in like advertisements, youtube thumb nails, internet clickbait ads, facebook pictures, etc. I react with excitement on those things, it's kind of scary.

Hi Marco!

I believe that we're not really addicted to porn, but visual stimulation, in stead of physical stimulation, i.e. sex. In other words, we can get excited by hot girls, not just naked girls, in advertisements, on youtube, in movies or TV shows or at the gym or whatever you prefer, not just in porn. The point is that we are addicted to the visual, not the physical - I can get excited by a hot girl who's not showing any nudity (because the looking, the visual has a direct link to my porn addiction) and not get excited by my wife who's naked right next to me. That's what the addiction can do to you.

I think it's a good idea in your reboot to avoid anything that can get you excited, any triggers, in other words, visual stimulation that activates your brain's reward system. You can read more about my thoughts on this in the links in my signature if you're interested. If not, that's fine too and we're here to help and support you :)

Awesome to read about your progress so far, you're doing great!
 

Marco

Member
Hi TheNewMe,

thanks for your reply and support! :D

I'm totally agree with your post.
I thouoght about blocking all intern porn, but I'm not sure if this really helps. The thing is, artificial stimulations (ads, pictures, tv shows, games, etc.) is part of our daily life. I think it's better for me to try to deal with it instead just blocking it. In my last post I tried to explain that I recognize those as real triggers, I can feel that.

I also see some similarities to my smoking addcition (I start smoking in my youth). I stopped it multiple times up to 2+ years and I relapsed multiple times.
You are right, you can't smoke some cigarettes occasionally as a former addict. It's not gonna happen. You will relapse!
I made my experience there and now it helps me to understand the porn addiction.

I wish you the best and stay strong!
Marco



 

Marco

Member
Hi everyone,
so last week was kind of boring, nothing special happend. Just daily life. The flatline is still on but my mood is still good. I had some urges to M but they last very shortly. I had 2 dreams about watching P, was a wiered feeling  :eek:
Also no smoking and drinking, I realy have the feeling this helps a lot. I am also very active with sports and cooking, this works good for me.

Thanks for reading and writing.
Stay strong and awesome.
Marco
 

Marco

Member
Hi everyone,
so last week was kind of good. I had a wet dream, it was about an erotic magazine. Just a mess but nothing special happend. I read about wet dreams in this forum so I was prepared.
I did a lot of sports and cooking healthy food.
Last weekend I was very social, I met a lot of new people and it felt good. Also I'm dating a girl right now and it's a good time.
I'm still not smoking and drinking. I really think this helps me, I don't know, but for me it seems that finishing all "drug" habits at once is very powerful.
Also the urge to M is less. Over all a good progress, I'm happy.

Thanks again for reading and writing, it helps a lot!!!
Stay strong and awesome.
Marco
 

Marco

Member
Hey everyone,
so last week was awesome. I met a girl, dated her and had wonderful sex. I told her everything from the first date and it's fine. I talked with her about my DE problem and It was totaly fine for her.
I have never felt so comfortable and good with a new girl. Also I realize that I have less sexual thoughts about her and I am more connected to person. I think I made progress in not objectifying women. 8)
My urges to M are weaker but the days after sex are still a bit difficult, chaser effect hits everytime.
Also drinking and smoking is no problem.
I had some nightmares about watching P. After dreaming I am very frightened to relapse. 

Thanks again for reading and writing, it helps a lot!!!
Brothers and sisters stay strong!!
Marco
 

Marco

Member
Hello everyone,
so last week was wiered. First I had a good time with my new girl. We talked a lot about our problems and had sex. We feel very connected and intimate.
Then I was 3 days alone at home and my libido went back to zero.
Then yesterday we had sex again but it wasn't good. I recognized my old brain patterns are back. I had thoughts like, she is not hot enough, not my type of body and in the end I could not O and had a bad feeling about it.
I was mad at myself and didn't understand what happend. Then I desided to talk to her about my feelings and thoughts and then I realized something.
I wasn't with her. I mean I felt like I was disconnect from the person inside the body
After that we tried again and I was reconnected to her and it was beautiful.
Wtf, this is scary as fuck! It is like a switch in my brain was switched during the 3 days. Now I am trying to find the triggers.

In conclusion, I can not make sex with a body anymore, only with the person inside of it. Totaly new for me, but very powerful.
It was a lesson for me. I'm not done yet with rebooting.

I wish everyone the best and strength.
Marco
 

TiramiSu

Well-Known Member
Hi there- you are displaying a good attitude...do not try to focus on the body....try to focus more on body sensation and what kind of practices you like it....because sometimes I have the similar thoughts - but the whole point is: Are we all looking like the top male models of the world? no....sex is not only about looks, sex is about sharing intimacy....
 

Marco

Member
Hi TiramiSu,
thanks for your reply!
You're absolutely right!
My problem was that these thoughts came somehow automatically. Something triggers my brain to do this.
It is very scary to experience this loss of control.

I wish you the best!
Marco
 

Marco

Member
Hi everyone,
so last week was tough.
I had massive "sex hangovers" for 3 days. I felt numb and foggy in the head, low motivation and looked after women in a sexual way.
But I stayed strong.
I think my new habits helped me a lot to stay focused (sports, running, cooking, eating healthy, less PC stuff, less PC gaming, playing guitar). So many people on this forum recommended to change more than just quiting PMO. I do my best and in my case they are 100% right. I can recommend this to everyone.
For me it is a chance to change my life, I'll do my best to take it!

Still not drinking and smoking. It's wierd to stay sober all the time but it helps to stay on track in the process.

So this week starts pretty good, I have a good energy.

I wish my sisters and brothers the very best!
Stay strong!
Marco
 
T

TheNewMe

Guest
Man, Marco, you're doing great! It's amazing to read about your progress! You're an inspiration :)
 

Marco

Member
Hi everyone,
so last week was quite good.
Nothing special happend, I think slowly things become normal. I'm felling I'm get used to my new lifestyle.
Just had a dream about watching porn but I woke up. I recognized while dreaming I need to stop it :D
I got triggered for a second by a TV show commercial (Bikini chicks), had the urge to google the woman ... fucking TV dude!!!

I decided to take my running more serious and bought some good equipment. So sport is still fun and I'm still motivated.
Sex is getting better and better.
Still no smoking, drugs and drinking. I honestly think I finish drinking/drugs for ever too. Fuck this shit, caused me so much problems in the past and isn't doing anything good for me. I really enjoy my clear mind at the moment, never felt more focused, positive and stronger in my life!

I wish all of you positive energy and strength!
Marco
 

Marco

Member
Hallo everyone,

so last week was a bit up and down.
Last week started very horny, I looked a lot after girls in the public. On Friday I had huge urges to M. The urge lasted for hours until I went to my new girl. But when I was a her place my sex drive was kind of low .... wtf!
During sex I had problems to last more then a couple of minutes ... which feels awesome :D I did not had this feeling for a very long time.
Yesterday was a prittey low day, had a bad/depressed mood all afternoon.
So overall a lot of mood swings this week, I don't know what caused them though.

But still no porn, alcohol, drugs and cigarettes and a lot of sport and workout.
Slowly I'm starting to care more about my self, so I was at my doctor to make a full blood check.
This is a little step in the right direction.

Thanks for listening, reading and writing, it helps a lot!!
I wish you all the best and the power to fight this shit!!!
Stay strong!
Marco
 

Marco

Member
Hi everyone,

so last week was kind of .... I don't know.
Started off bad, had a really bad mood on Monday and Tuesday, but then it was just fine. Nothing special (porn related) happened. I'm getting closer and closer to "normal" life, which is very nice!!  ;D The relationship with my new girl is getting more serious, I have a good feeling about this.
Still no drugs, still sober, still awesome  8)

But in 2 days I hit my 90 Days without Porn goal (about 84 days without M) and I will stop my weekly journal. I have a strong feeling that the time has come to walk alone without my crutches.
I'm confident about my reboot. I also stopped constantly thinking about all this reboot/porn stuff weeks ago and I feel very strong now.

I will write my journal from time to time, but not that frequently.
I'm planing to make/write a blog website with my experiences and thoughts at the reboot/PA subject, but it will be in German. I'll let you know.

So then, here ends my reboot rehab, now I'm out on my own for new adventures in life.
Thanks to everyone who wrote, commented and read!!! It helped so much.
Stay strong sisters and brothers, these are crazy times in which we live.
I wish you all the best,
Marco






 
Top