Author Topic: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber  (Read 14409 times)

Faptain America

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Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« on: April 07, 2016, 10:32:53 PM »
Hi there,

My name is... Joey... Joe Joe... Junior... Shabadu.

Clearly a Simpsons fan.

This isn't really day one for me. It's actually week four for me with two relapses. The first time I went ten days before I was overwhelmed by an urge to look at porn. More on that later. The second time I went 9 days. I almost didn't make it tonight but this website and YBOP helped me get through it.

I guess i'll start at the beginning.

The Beginning....

I saw my first porn magazine when I was eight. My sister and I went and bum-rushed our parent's bedroom one morning; I think it was mother's day or something. I was on my mom's side, my sister on my dad's. After some time (I forget how we noticed in the first place) we looked at my sister and my dad saw her giggling and looking at a magazine he had right next to the bed. He immediately picked it up and threw it against the wall where it landed in a pile with the rest of the mags.

I remember how his reaction fueled my curiosity to check out what the fuss was about when he wasn't around. I was with a friend and we explored together what had caused such a reaction from him. As it turns out and as I'm sure you guessed, they were porn magazines! Well... Needless to say my friend and I were very interested in these. At first they were just giggle material, but we found that the more we looked, the more our bodies responded to what we saw. These were the first stages of sexual awakening in my little body.

Soon after more friends were interested. Some of the older boys were interested too and we got a little physical with each other. Back then we thought we were having sex with each other but for the most part we were just playing out what we were seeing in the mags. It wasn't long before my parents caught on and started setting traps. Eventually I was caught and a very long and anxious conversation occurred about how porn is bad and I shouldn't look at it anymore. I of course said I wouldn't. We all know that didn't last long. I became master of the shadows. I was never caught again as a young boy. As a teenager, that's a different story. It's a funny story but irrelevant to the topic at hand. END BEGINNING.



The Middle...
When I was Thirteeeeeeen...... I had my very first orgasm...... I had it in the bathroom, to fantasies of hot girls.... with blond curls....

Anyways.

That's when it all started. I upgraded from dad's Mags to dad's Video Tapes. That's right. With a VCR. That's when I was first exposed to what anal sex was. I liked it immediately. Well, it was gross for about five minutes, but I never looked away. From then on I used porn on a daily basis whenever I could. I never masturbated excessively. I use that term loosely of course. I knew guys who would masturbate to porn 4-6 times a day at that age. I did it once, sometimes twice a day. Once I got my own computer it got easier for me to find and keep porn. Kazaa, Limewire, etc... Those were my best sources for video. I never had a shortage.

I had friends and family and all of that. I never felt that it was getting the better of me or that I wanted to jerk off more than have sex with a girl; porn was just much more available than girls were back then. I was a bit of an outcast at my high school. I was a good friend and a best friend; not so much a boyfriend. I attribute it to having an older personality. No senior wants to date a younger guy, even if he is more mature.

Fast forward to the end of high school. I was fried on school. I really didn't want to go to college yet. I took a year off. The problem was, no one else did. I found myself very lonely and without the means (i.e Driver's license) to find new ones. I had a stable job as a restaurant manager (good work for a 18/19 year old). I managed my depression with packages from amazon, online gaming, and porn. Between work and the other three things I made it through that tough year and hooked up with some former acquaintances who became good friends later. The porn came with me. END MIDDLE.



The End So Far...

**If you've been skimming up to this point you can start reading now. I promise it gets jucier... in a story development way...**

Okay. I met my wife when I was 20. She was my second serious girlfriend. She was always tolerant of my porn usage. She knew I looked and PMO'd frequently. I never masturbated more than once or twice a day. Usually only once. Throughout our relationship though I always felt a need to masturbate. Most times I wanted to PMO more than I wanted to have sex. Sometimes I would have sex and then an hour later PMO. I wasn't until maybe three or four years in that I made myself a rule that I wouldn't PMO on days that I had sex. Eventually I got used to this and it was fine. Not a big thing to give up since I already got some that day anyways.

The urge to PMO despite sex being available always struck me as weird; sort of an anomaly. I never read much into it other than the fact that I knew it was unusual. I had been to another forum and most people didn't know what to make of it. This was long before the idea that porn addiction is actually a real thing to watch out for. I would usually just put it in the back of my head. Sometimes I felt like maybe it meant I was in the wrong relationship; that maybe I just wasn't that into my wife at the time. I think it led to some rough patches we had in it's own way. It certainly stunted our sexual relationship. Of course this is all retrospection. I didn't know that at the time; I just thought I had a low sex drive. I no longer think that.

The last couple of years i've been making adjustments to my porn usage. I never thought I was addicted due to the fact that I never masturbated "excessively" (note the quotes this time), but I did feel like I could cut back. I felt like it was reducing the opportunities to have real sex with my wife so I tried stopping for a week. I made it the week without any sex/masturbation at all. After that week I felt like I hit the ceiling with my ejaculate (scary movie anybody?). I was going to try again for two weeks but never did. After that I made more rules that involved not masturbating on days where sex was possible. My wife would work late so I wouldn't see her at all some days. Those days it was okay to PMO. This was very successful and led to more opportunities for sex and general foolishness.

Once our schedule changed over I lost that routine and went back to old habits. I wasn't able to adjust. After a while I found the glory-hole of porn they call tumblr and I think that's where things started taking a turn for me. I was always a one-video kind of guy. I'd go looking for a video with something that I liked, masturbate, and be done; but now it was like a buffet of images and gifs and videos. I would lose hours at night looking through this stuff finding things that I liked. This led to that and I started getting into things I never thought I would like. I found things that made my prior tastes look like church... Well maybe not that far... but still. Things started escalating and I started going down the rabbit hole to places I didn't like and that's when I really started thinking about my usage.

I decided, what harm could taking a month off do? This time masturbation and sex were fine; just no porn. I could even look at bra/panties pics if I really needed to if I kept it to a minimum. Full circle. I made it 10 days with only one day masturbating to a sexy pic (not porn, just sexy) which I considered a successful run. On day eleven I relapsed. I had an urge and masturbated to the stuff I was masturbating to before. When I reached climax it was as if somebody got up off my shoulders. I felt a monumental wash of relief from my body. I don't think I ever experienced that feeling before in my life.

I made it another three days before I was overwhelmed with what I can only describe as the complete opposite of that relief. I felt a jolt of electricity so powerful my heart sank at the MERE thought of the image I finished on last time. I spent the next hour fighting with myself over whether or not I should masturbate. I FOUGHT tooth and nail! I just couldn't believe how badly I wanted to look at porn. I won that battle; just barely. At that point I started looking online for websites pertaining to porn addiction because I was pretty sure I was addicted. I ran across YBOP and read the entire newbies page for the next hour. My wife came home while I was reading and having been aware that I was trying to quit porn I didn't have anything to hide.

When I finished reading I started processing what I was feeling and I started getting upset. I was in the shower with my wife (nothing sexy going on, just good company) and lost it. I told her that I was pretty sure I was addicted and described what happened to me. She was supportive just like always and comforted me. The next day I was a little under the weather but I was okay. Just needed to let it out I suppose.

Alright, lets wrap it up. Long post!

I made it another nine days before I got a huge case of the "fuck-its" and relapsed. I figured I made it roughly the same length as last time and I don't feel bad about it. Tonight the urge came on again but I popped on here instead and it seems to have subsided. The whole "educate yourself" part of the video and all. I hope someone takes the time to read this and maybe finds something in common with my story because I felt alone and unique for far too long over this.

My wife has been very supportive. She has been initiating sex every couple of days like a champ to help out and I do feel more connected to her as a result. I just wish these PMO urges would go away or lessen. Probably from the relapses.

I already work out, I have a loving wife, great parents, good job, etc... Nothing is really missing from my life that I can think of. I think I just need to ditch this habit and get moving on me version 4.0.

Thanks for reading or skimming. I'd like to make it two weeks with no relapses. I think I can do it. I made it ten days; what's another four? Wish me luck!


PeaceOfMind062012

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2016, 11:15:50 PM »
Hey man!

Thanks for sharing.

Yes, this is very powerful, seductive stuff we're all dealing with. More powerful than stuff ANY man in history has ever had to deal with. I watched a video about how our brains are just not evolved to say "no" to literally thousands of (supposedly) willing, and (definitely) fertile women who want to "mate" with us.

On the plains of East Africa where we spent like 99.999% of our time develpoing as a species, oppurtunities to mate were rare, so our brains evolved to tell us "if it's available and you can get it, then get it AS MUCH AS YOU CAN". And our brains are still telling us that, and it seems that it's very difficult for us to turn off or say "no" that signal.

But we've got your back man! We support you! We're all going through very similar struggles. Hopefully with the support of this community, and with the knowledge that THOUSANDS of other men and women are choosing to quit P, and are dealing with the same temptations as you, it might give you a new "tool in your tool box" to help support you in your move away from P.

Feel free to comment, or message :)

Welcome to the community!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

Faptain America

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2016, 12:45:08 PM »
Thanks for the reply, mate! It's a slow process to be sure but I feel like i'm making progress. Today I had a slip up when I tried to delete my tumblr account. I logged in and the first thing I saw was an extremely attractive image. Next thing you know I was scrolling and PMO'd. Dang. I managed to uninstall the app and delete whatever pictures I had on my phone from it though so that's good. Less easy access.

I'm not too hard on myself because I know i'm making progress. This isn't a two week fix. Slip ups will happen but the more I resist, the easier it will get. I'm over 85% successful since I started. That's pretty good in my book.

Cheers!

achilles heel

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2016, 12:57:18 PM »
I hope someone takes the time to read this and maybe finds something in common with my story because I felt alone and unique for far too long over this.

Took the time, read it and found many things in common. Until I discovered this board I felt alone too, but you will realize that most of us have a pretty similar story. You're summing up the worst part:

After a while I found the glory-hole of porn they call tumblr and I think that's where things started taking a turn for me. I was always a one-video kind of guy. I'd go looking for a video with something that I liked, masturbate, and be done; but now it was like a buffet of images and gifs and videos. I would lose hours at night looking through this stuff finding things that I liked. This led to that and I started getting into things I never thought I would like. I found things that made my prior tastes look like church... Well maybe not that far... but still. Things started escalating and I started going down the rabbit hole to places I didn't like and that's when I really started thinking about my usage.

A downward spiral that may lead to depression and self-hatred.

Looking at your case I feel very optimistic, you will make it through. Seems like you haven't been into the binge-zone for too long, therefore it will be easier for your brain to overwrite those paths. Another bonus is that you live together with your wife and she knows about your problem, supporting your recovery. You will be able to rewire your brain and improve your recovery.

As I had a similar problem with the available "buffet" and couldn't even make it through few days without relapsing at the beginning, I decided to turn off images at my browser, giving me the advantage of having to turn them on again (3 steps at Firefox) and thus being able to interfere before relapse. You might use the same strategy when feeling the critical phase incoming...

Faptain America

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #4 on: April 09, 2016, 01:28:45 PM »
I hope someone takes the time to read this and maybe finds something in common with my story because I felt alone and unique for far too long over this.

Took the time, read it and found many things in common. Until I discovered this board I felt alone too, but you will realize that most of us have a pretty similar story. You're summing up the worst part:

After a while I found the glory-hole of porn they call tumblr and I think that's where things started taking a turn for me. I was always a one-video kind of guy. I'd go looking for a video with something that I liked, masturbate, and be done; but now it was like a buffet of images and gifs and videos. I would lose hours at night looking through this stuff finding things that I liked. This led to that and I started getting into things I never thought I would like. I found things that made my prior tastes look like church... Well maybe not that far... but still. Things started escalating and I started going down the rabbit hole to places I didn't like and that's when I really started thinking about my usage.

A downward spiral that may lead to depression and self-hatred.

Looking at your case I feel very optimistic, you will make it through. Seems like you haven't been into the binge-zone for too long, therefore it will be easier for your brain to overwrite those paths. Another bonus is that you live together with your wife and she knows about your problem, supporting your recovery. You will be able to rewire your brain and improve your recovery.

As I had a similar problem with the available "buffet" and couldn't even make it through few days without relapsing at the beginning, I decided to turn off images at my browser, giving me the advantage of having to turn them on again (3 steps at Firefox) and thus being able to interfere before relapse. You might use the same strategy when feeling the critical phase incoming...

Hey Achilles! Thanks for your post. I'm glad we had a connection.

That buffet is trouble! I had a relapse yesterday just trying to deactivate my account. First post on my homepage was a video of something really hot and I lost it. I proceeded to scroll for however long until I couldn't help myself but PMO. Thinking about it now gives me a little trouble.

Thanks for your optimism regarding my recovery. I think i'll make it too. I don't judge myself too harshly for the relapses considering my 15 year history of PMO.

Next time i'm on i'll check out your journal and see if there's something I can do for you. EDIT: Just kidding. I've already been there. haha!

Cheers,

-The Faptain
« Last Edit: April 09, 2016, 01:49:07 PM by Faptain America »

Faptain America

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2016, 01:47:53 PM »
Post 3

I'll start working on funny titles later. heh.

I'm back to day one again. In post 2 I detailed how I went to delete my tumblr account and instead PMO'd after seeing the first video which was extremely arousing! It's like Tumblr knew or something... I managed to uninstall the app and delete all of the images from my phone, if not delete my account. Progress.

After I finished I did feel relieved. I also felt resolute to making it two weeks this time.

I'd like to detail the terms of my recovery just so that it's out there. Maybe in the future I'll tweak some things if they aren't working out.

1. No PMO. I define porn as any naked erotica, real or fake. I can look at bikini pics and be fine. It doesn't trigger me towards porn so far.
2. No Sexy Chat, Sexting, Etc... I don't really do that anyways but here it is.
3. Masturbation without porn is okay if kept to a minimum. Sometimes I need a release. I'm okay with that so far.
4. Sex with my wife is okay. That's the whole point right? More sex?
5. I will stick with my workout routine. I have a 30 (3x a week minimum) day streak going with that so that's good.
6. This one is kind of tough. I need to watch my emotional connections to other women.

In regards to number six, I've never cheated, but sometimes I feel like I'm investing emotionally more than I should or is even reciprocated. I haven't really dug into this yet but it may reveal things that help me in the noFap department.

Thanks to those who have replied. To anyone who has viewed, give a reply, even if its to say hi. It means alot.

That's it for now. I'm gonna get up and do something.

Cheers!

-The Faptain

achilles heel

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2016, 02:32:04 PM »
Hey there, Faptain!

1. No PMO. I define porn as any naked erotica, real or fake. I can look at bikini pics and be fine. It doesn't trigger me towards porn so far.

Just a little suggestion: Cut out the bikini pics. Cut out everything related to sexual arousal on a screen. Do it the hard way from the start and learn from the mistakes of those who failed over and over again. I don't want you to fail, we need a tough "competition"!

siphus

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #7 on: April 11, 2016, 01:39:29 AM »
Achilles is probably right, I don't know of too many guys who've been able to keep the sexy non-nude stuff and stay away from P altogether.

But I just wanted to say that I really appreciated your introduction. Good details, very engaging, and I like the fact that you have support and that you've really opened up your eyes on your own and taken some of the first steps to beat this.

I think you're aware of this but just to emphasize - don't feel too bad that it seems like you haven't been able to go for a long time yet. Since you were in a cycle of M or P at least once a day, your brain was pretty wired in, and even if progress seems slow, it's there. I would get to a certain point, like, say 1-week clean, and then get stuck relapsing there for a while, but then after a couple months as I started building up my weapons and techniques to fight this, I got to the point that I can comfortably go 2 weeks without a breakdown. Now I'm hunting down 3 weeks and beyond.

The other thing to think about is maybe developing some sort of consequence. A lot of guys deal with their wives/gf's being frustrated with their porn use which can be a deterrent but you know it won't disappoint her, so when you're at the breaking point, what holds you back? Willpower ain't always on point at that time. I wouldn't add some dramatic consequence since the point isn't to discourage yourself, but rather to give your craving brain another reason *not* to give in. One I have is that I lose the TV in my room for a week. One of my buddies can't use Netflix for 10 days. I'm not sure how others feel about this, but it always boosts me a bit, at least for a while, and then maybe I need to re-evaluate it so I don't get used to it.

Either way, take it or leave it, and all that aside, welcome here, I appreciate the support you've given me already, and keep on hustling brother!

-siphus

Crow-Magnon

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #8 on: April 11, 2016, 01:25:40 PM »
Hi there, Faptain,

For those times that you are tempted it is useful to have fail-safes in place.  Using K9 web-protection on whatever computer(s) available to you at home to block pornography, certain triggering websites, and other potentially triggering content helps significantly in times of temptation and the day to day.  Having rules around the use of internet at home is helpful as well.  Perhaps you can only use it for a set amount of time, in a set area that is public (dining room or kitchen or whatever), and when your wife is in the same room as you.  It seems your toughest hurdle will be deterring yourself once you see potentially stimulating content or when you feel an urge for whatever reason.  In order to combat this it is important to limit your amount of exposure to these situations as much as possible.  To compliment that it is good to get into the habit of switching what you are doing immediately when you get some kind of urge.  Got an urge to choke the chicken?  To look at some digital ladies?  BAM.  Take a cold shower.  Go for a run.  Do something productive and empowering instead!

For many of us on here abstaining from PMO is about far more than having healthy sex.  It's about healing in many ways.  Healing our view of ourselves, our self-esteem, our ability to have and contribute meaningfully to healthy interpersonal relationships, our ability to appreciate life, etc. etc.  It may be worth thinking over how porn might affect other areas of your life as well and how you might benefit from abstaining from PMO in areas other than healthy sex.  You may find more motivation.  If anything, you'll reinforce your goal of healthy sex. 

As for your initial post, I relate heavily with your statement of being stealthy about viewing porn...

Quote
I became master of the shadows. I was never caught again as a young boy.

We were able to get around any obstacle in our way to view porn growing up.  We had powerful motivation to do so.  The taboo of porn and threat of rebuke if we were caught was part of what made secretly viewing it exciting.  Our natural drives pushed us to view, and our reward circuitry mistook the taboo as extra stimulation.  No wonder we find abstaining from PMO, something devoid of taboo and in direct opposition to our hijacked sexual drive,  so difficult. We lack that motivation we had growing up while at the same time we are trying to combat very developed pathways that seem to have their own strong gravitational field we fall towards in moments of apathy or lack of willpower. 

Anyway, I'm glad you're here and recognize what is going on within yourself.  Welcome to the forum-- I hope you find it supportive and useful. 

LeirTheFox

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2016, 01:48:14 PM »
Hey mr. Faptain,

First of all, I love reading good journal entries. People who write a lot and put their effort on their entries easily gain my sympathy, and that's for a simple reason: we see more of their human side. And the more "human" the stories are, the more we can relate. So, thanks for sharing yourself! (Not to mention the Scary Movie reference... I got it, and loved it 8))

Crow-Magnon nailed pretty much when saying that we're able to get around pretty much anything when it comes to PMO and addiction. Like a friend said to me this weekend, "All a thief needs is half an opportunity". And, to paraphrase the master-of-shadows Garrett from tje Thief game reboot in 2014, "but ever since a lock did held me back?" I remember myself being able to bypass the Google's safe search just by changing the words typed on the image search box. So, you might find web-protection tools good to keep you away from suggestive results, but mostly you'll be needing to count on your own willpower when dealing with withdraws.

One interesting reading, if I might add, is this article by Gabe Deem. He got a lot of cool videos covering this subject, if you ever need extra ammo to fight this.

You already got some pretty good advice here, I don't feel I have anything much to add but this: commit to your journal. Use it to analyze your habits, what you can develop, what makes you feel good... you have a talent for sharing yourself – put that to good use! One hour in the end of your day, writing and recalling the ups and downs may help you and other people a lot!

We're all by your side. If you ever need us, just send a message.

Cheers,
L.
So here's a little feedback
You gotta wear them shoes


Faptain America

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #10 on: April 12, 2016, 05:35:23 PM »
Wow guys. Thanks so much! At first I was a little disappointed there weren't more people replying to me but I went out and replied to all of you instead and came on today to find a plethora of advice waiting for me! Give and take :)

Leir:
Quote
So, you might find web-protection tools good to keep you away from suggestive results, but mostly you'll be needing to count on your own willpower when dealing with withdraws.

See, i'm too smart for my own good. I know how to encrypt my transmissions, use shadow browsers, virtual machines, etc... So if I get a bad enough urge I know that stuff isn't going to stop me or even give me pause. At that point, it's GOING to happen. My efforts thus far have been preventative so that I have less urges. I've also been using my brain more for fantasies. I'll detail that in my post below.

I loved Thief! Such a wonderful game. And since you got my scary movie reference i'm going to go ahead and say that I like you :)

Crow-Magnon:
Quote
As for your initial post, I relate heavily with your statement of being stealthy about viewing porn...

YES... My dad had alot of bad habits when it came to viewing porn and it led to me being a stealth ninja to the point where I couldn't even talk about it with my wife. I'm gonna post about it below. Thanks for your input and i'm glad to see you're back in the full swing of it here :)

Siphus:
Quote
The other thing to think about is maybe developing some sort of consequence.

One of the consequences i've been thinking about is telling my wife when I relapse. Telling her about the problem is one thing but telling her about a relapse when it happens is WAY different and may encourage me to stay on track. If I don't make it to two weeks this time around I'm definitely considering this approach. I don't want to penalize myself just yet because my way seems to be working pretty well. Thanks for the idea and good luck in Mexico!

Achilles Heel:
Quote
Just a little suggestion: Cut out the bikini pics.

This is definitely something I've given much thought over. At this stage I don't feel that the bikini pics are considered cheating if I look rarely. So far I have held to this rule. I don't want to regulate myself into a corner but instead give myself an out if I REALLY need it. So far in the past month it's only come up twice. If I don't make it two weeks on this run I'm definitely going to re-tool my plan but also if I do make it I may ditch this rule anyways in order to continue progression. I'm trying not to make it too difficult right out of the gate. We'll see how it goes. I'll post about progress below. Thanks for the reply!


Post 4 - Post Hard with a Vengeance

So thanks again for all of the good vibes everyone. I appreciate you taking the time to put some words down for me. I'm definitely walking away this time with some solid advice and i'm going to do my best to think about what each of you said to me.

New Business

Since my last relapse I have had an easy four days. I've been using mental stimulation alot more and have been sticking to a sort of masturbation without porn regimen. My fantasies have been of the vanilla kind; nothing too crazy. At this stage I'm okay with this, even if it turns out to be a bit of replacement therapy. It has dramatically cut down on my urges to use porn which has helped me stay on point for everything else in my life. I'm going to continue monitoring this technique to see how it affects me. As far as the specifics go, my wife has been extremely busy with her thesis and therefore we haven't been intimate much. I've been masturbating every other day as a result. I'd like to stretch this out at least one additional day going forward or cut it if I have sex in between.

It's funny because the mental fantasies have been really satisfying. Maybe their value has increased since I've been getting off porn?

I've also been telling more people that I'm quitting porn. Some of the guys I've told have said "good for you! That's really tough!!" which leads me to believe that maybe they have tried and failed before. I find this very interesting.

Old Business

Really old business. I wanted to talk about my father and how his habits paved the way for my stealthy behaviors with porn.

Growing up, my dad did alot of stupid shit when it came to porn usage. Most times we would know when he was masturbating because he would do it in the next room over. Often times he would ask us to leave the room so that he could do it. He didn't say why but we knew. He would come home with the classic brown paper bag or black plastic bag. We always knew. He really didn't make much of an effort to hide it because we couldn't express our discomfort with his habit anyways. He was an angry guy growing up. In some ways he was verbally abusive. He didn't put us down or insult us, but he was scary. He'd get angry and throw things against the wall, throw terror fits, yell at us to clean the house, or get mad at us for getting a bad grade.

My sister grew up rebelling against him. She took after his personality so they butted heads alot. She was able to release her anger towards him whereas I took after my mother and internalized much, if not all of my needs and feelings. I was too afraid to express myself growing up unless it was a positive for my dad. It wasn't all bad; alot of times we had many positive experiences together. Often times though I still felt like a puppet or a servant, catering to someone else's needs before my own. This is one of the things that led me to therapy in college. I had bad anxiety. I didn't know how to fix it and I didn't want to take medications for it. My school doctor referred me to a CBT, a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, that she knew and I started seeing her once a week. She unearthed all of this stuff that I knew about but never saw in the appropriate light. As a result I started making boundaries and enforcing them with friends (that was easy) and family (that was hard).

My family really didn't understand the boundaries since anxiety was high with everyone. They didn't understand that it wasn't okay to take things from my room without asking or that a closed door meant do not disturb. They acted like I was pulling away from them to rebel when really I was just trying to carve a life out for myself. I started calling them on their... I guess the modern term would be "micro-aggressions". My therapist said, "your family and friends will still love you even if you voice your needs to them."

This is something I still struggle with sometimes. Obviously I've moved out and whatnot but there's still the occasional battle to be fought.

I realized some time ago that all of my stealthy behaviors have stemmed from a need to not be like my father. We have the same addiction, but I, in a sense, didn't want to be like him and have everybody know when I was doing the dirty. I didn't talk about masturbation and even as a married man I still skulked around the house masturbating in the bathroom or when my wife was asleep. I COULDN'T get caught. If I'd hear her coming home i'd rush around putting everything away and dealing with blue balls. I probably missed out on alot of fun spontaneity as a result. Funny how talking about porn addiction with her was easier than the idea of her seeing me masturbate.

Well that's about all. I'm gonna hop off and maybe play a video game before dinner. My wife starts her period soon. We'll see how that goes  :-X

Cheers,

-The Faptain

Faptain America

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2016, 03:14:56 PM »
Post Fizive - Rizzle without the Dizzle

Last night my wife asked me if the forum was helpful or not. I obviously said yes. I think she just wanted to open up the conversation about it. She offered sex to me last night but I wasn't really feeling it. Maybe it's flatline, but I wasn't feeling too good anyways. Not well enough for sex at least. She starts her period soon so it should be an interesting 7 days.

Anyways, we talked for about 20 minutes about some of the stuff i've posted about in the past, primarily about how there were many times I would've rather masturbated than been intimate with her. I think it struck a bit of a chord with her. I told her I wanted her to read some articles for spouses once she's done with her thesis this weekend so that she knows what to expect going into the future with flat-lining and all.

Today the urges are a little stronger. I'm a little tired and the wife isn't home. Actually, while I'm thinking about it I'm going to list off my top four cues that trigger me to PMO in order of strongest to weakest:

1. Being Alone - Every time my wife is gone the urges get worse. Thankfully I'm aware of this.
2. Being Bored or Lightly Unoccupied - Pretty obvious and textbook.
3. Being Tired - Less Executive Willpower in this state. Combined with any other cue makes it very powerful.
4. Being on the Computer - This is the weakest but is often a gateway for the others.

So there it is. Not getting enough sex is an honorable mention but that's really just horniness in general.

Well that's about it for now. I'll see you folks on down the road.

-The Faptain

achilles heel

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #12 on: April 16, 2016, 08:23:57 PM »
Hey Faptain, how's our competition going? By the time you read this, I enter day #12 and hope you're keeping up!

I told her I wanted her to read some articles for spouses once she's done with her thesis this weekend so that she knows what to expect going into the future with flat-lining and all.

Maybe you won't be affected by flat-line or at least not as hard as the more severe cases. Your ability to rewire together with her will also improve your progress.

I've also been telling more people that I'm quitting porn. Some of the guys I've told have said "good for you! That's really tough!!" which leads me to believe that maybe they have tried and failed before. I find this very interesting.

Why didn't you ask them? I avoid this topic wherever I can because I feel it's impossible to fully understand porn addiction if it doesn't affect you. And because I'm afraid of negative reactions to it, as porn is more accepted than ever before with famous porn stars appearing at celebrity news frequently (for example). I know that many of my friends consider porn to be "normal", although I suspect some of them to share my problem. Maybe after full recovery I will find the courage to speak about it more open.

Faptain America

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #13 on: April 17, 2016, 04:28:37 PM »
Post 5.5 - Nine days in

Hey folks! Hope everyone is well. Haven't updated in a little bit; mostly because I didn't have much to say. Things are still going pretty well. Today the urges have been stronger than they have any other day this round. Being aware of their affect on me has been crucial towards not relapsing. At this phase i'm not sure how far past two weeks I can make it but i'm sure I can make it at least that far. My wife started her cycle yesterday so it's going to be a long week! On the plus side, my ability to fantasize without any external influence has improved greatly.

Hey Achilles, thanks for your reply.
Quote
Why didn't you ask them?

I'm not sure. Maybe it wasn't the right time. I was at work. I'll try asking the next time I run into a situation like that again.

Just a quick post today since I got stuff going on tonight. I'll get through everyone's journals between today and tomorrow.

Cheers,

-The Faptain

PeaceOfMind062012

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2016, 02:53:17 PM »
Hey Faptain,

Thanks for reading and commenting on my journal! Sounds like you're doing well! Stick to that no PMO path brother. I'm finding it a little harder to stay the course, but I'm gonna keep going!

I think having your wife at your side will probably help you heal faster. You're lucky to have her!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

Faptain America

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #15 on: April 20, 2016, 05:40:46 PM »
Hey Faptain,

Thanks for reading and commenting on my journal! Sounds like you're doing well! Stick to that no PMO path brother. I'm finding it a little harder to stay the course, but I'm gonna keep going!

I think having your wife at your side will probably help you heal faster. You're lucky to have her!

-Peace


You don't have to tell me! She's a lovely woman :)

The urges have definitely increased since the ten day mark. I don't know if its because i'm close to my goal or because something has changed. I can still fight them off though so i'll keep going.

Cheers,

-The Faptain

achilles heel

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #16 on: April 24, 2016, 04:17:47 PM »
Did you reach your goal, Faptain?

Faptain America

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #17 on: April 29, 2016, 01:32:56 PM »
Hey Buddy,

Yes! I did! I didn't make it much farther than that but I did haha. Sorry I haven't been around. I had several life events that made me very busy. I'm back now though!

-The Faptain

siphus

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #18 on: April 29, 2016, 04:12:08 PM »
Glad you're still around, Faptain, and that you hit a really cool goal. And like your sig says, Progress, not Perfection. I look forward to keeping in touch now that we're both back in business lol

-siphus

achilles heel

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #19 on: May 01, 2016, 03:01:26 PM »
Hey Buddy,

Yes! I did! I didn't make it much farther than that but I did haha. Sorry I haven't been around. I had several life events that made me very busy. I'm back now though!

-The Faptain

Good job! Do you want to talk about what got you and how you relapsed? Did you analyze for yourself? Any new goals and strategies?

Faptain America

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #20 on: May 03, 2016, 01:31:25 PM »
Hey guys! Didn't get to my journal this weekend but I'm here now! I've had several job opportunities and other things going on these past few weeks that have shuffled around my free time. I'm glad to see everyone is doing pretty well on the porn front. Since I started partway through march i'm at about 80% success. Going into the future i'd like to get that above 85%. May is here and i'm hoping to get to at least three weeks. In this update I want to address my two week mark and my findings therein.

Post Six- The Sexy Six

Alright, so back on March 22nd I made noPMO history for myself and hit the two week mark. At that time I could definitely notice a large reduction in urge intensity, if not volume. I no longer felt as though porn was so much of a want that it was bordering need. I certainly missed it though. My endurance during sex has gone way down as well which is a bit of a bummer. I'm going to supplement Kegel exercises into my daily routine because I definitely want to last longer during sex. On the plus side, i'm noticing a change to my refractory period (the time it takes you to go for seconds) so i'm curious if i'll be able to have a round two within the same session of sexy time with my wife.

This is where things may get a little controversial with you guys out there: I made the choice to go back to porn after the two week mark. I didn't have to. I could've kept going. I wanted to see what would happen to me if I went back to it as part of this process.

For the first few days I didn't notice a measurable change backwards, but for the following days I noticed immediate regression towards my pre-noPMO state. This is revealing to me. This affirms that I was making progress with re-wiring which is a bit of a duh, but it also gives me sort of a framework for what kind of "grace period" I have between relapses dependent on how long i've gone without porn.

I also noticed that it's harder to get started rebooting again post relapse if i've gone a few weeks or longer noPMO. It's also harder to stay on track for the first two or three days because I feel like since I don't have many days logged I could just start back at day one with little consequence for my streak.

I don't have any new strategies this time around because I feel what I was doing was working very well. Now that I have this data i'm confident that I can make it three weeks. I'd love to get to four weeks this time around but that is a secondary goal at this point.

Also, I don't know if this is going to happen or not but as a super-long-term goal i'd love to get to the point where I could still watch porn occasionally. This may take several years or may never happen. I don't know. Just a thought.

So that's pretty much it. Three days in this time around. Thanks for reading.

-The Faptain

Crow-Magnon

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #21 on: May 04, 2016, 02:27:56 PM »
Quote
Also, I don't know if this is going to happen or not but as a super-long-term goal i'd love to get to the point where I could still watch porn occasionally. This may take several years or may never happen. I don't know. Just a thought.

Dangerous.  You're keeping the hope of viewing porn one day.  This will only serve to trip you up easier.  It would be best for you to let go of any notion of viewing porn in the future. 

Quote
I don't have any new strategies this time around because I feel what I was doing was working very well. Now that I have this data i'm confident that I can make it three weeks. I'd love to get to four weeks this time around but that is a secondary goal at this point.

As someone who has done similar things as testing things out to see repercussions to gain an idea of framework I would suggest not wasting time testing such things.  Ultimately opting to gain this perspective is counterproductive to yours goals.  If you can keep going, keep going.  The perspective gained during relapse can be useful, but choosing to relapse when one is in control and could go further is avoidable.  I have done that sort of thing a number of times in the past and came to realize it became a longer and longer cycle I could have avoided entirely and used my energies earnestly combating and supplanting PMO addiction.

I intend for this to be a matter-of-fact tone, not a harsh or judgmental one.  Keep up the good work, and keep growing.

siphus

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #22 on: May 05, 2016, 12:16:13 AM »
I agree with Crow, but if you felt the need to take things from a scientific experiment perspective, I just urge you to remember that conclusion firmly, which is a cool one for sure. Remember the same conclusion once you're 4 or 5 weeks in, because for many of us, we can start to think that it's safe to drift back to it because we forget how terribly it screws us up, and we learn it the hard way. So now that you got the experiment done, I'm excited to see your newfound conviction :) let's do this man.

-siphus

achilles heel

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #23 on: May 05, 2016, 12:17:11 PM »
From my experience I also totally agree with Crow and siphus, as I told you before in terms of the bikini pics. On the other hand I fully support your goals, your choices and your definition of reboot. You define what you want to achieve and maybe you are different from those of us who learned the hard way to be unable to control this addiction. But maybe you're not and you could learn from the mistakes that others made before and save lots of time and spare you painful relapses.

As I said, it's your decision, but you should listen to advises of those who failed over and over again and take them into consideration. Whatever your conclusion might be, you'll have my full support anyway!

Faptain America

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Re: Journal: Homer Simpson: Portrait of an Ass Grabber
« Reply #24 on: May 13, 2016, 02:36:07 PM »
Thanks guys for all the advice. I definitely don't intend to do the experiment again. I did it this time because it was the first time I made it that long. I acquired some interesting data moving forward. As far as the long term porn thought, it's really just a thought. It's so far away I really don't know if its feasible or not at this stage. I will give the "hope" stuff a thought though because I didn't really think of that.

Post Seven

Yeah couldn't think of a funny title today.

I relapsed today, dangit. I had a nice 12 day run going too. I'm disappointed that I couldn't make it three weeks this try, but I'm happy my stretches without relapses are gaining.

Last night I had some drinks with friends and woke up in the middle of the night super horny. I didn't watch then but instead fantasized. Today I was hit with a monstrous urge and gave in. Crap. I know it's because I have alot of stressors going on in my life. It's a bit of a bummer today. I'm also tired which isn't helping.

June 3rd is my new goal which will be three weeks again. I'm going on vacation for some of that so I won't be near some temptations in my battle. That should give me the push I need to get past week two.

Well that's pretty much it today. I'll check back soon.

Cheers,

-The Faptain