Author Topic: Free At Last  (Read 84465 times)

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #750 on: April 17, 2020, 12:09:52 AM »
Day 9

Weekend is here and I woke up to sexual dreams, not porn dreams, which is a maybe a good sign. Cravings are increasing and I have to be very cautious. Still I feel more dedicated than ever and will leave this behind once and for all!

faenoe

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #751 on: April 17, 2020, 12:13:32 AM »
That is good to hear! You are strong enough to overcome this and you will. I believe that you can do it. Your commitment to change is strong but remember that you also have this community to turn to when you need help! If you find yourself stuck in a rut you can't get out of, get on the forum. Remind yourself what you're fighting against. Read our journals. Do whatever it takes. You got this.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #752 on: April 21, 2020, 04:03:03 PM »
Day 1

Everything went well until a girl (former 'friend with benefit') sent me a lingerie pic out of nowhere. She is in a relationship so that caught me totally off guard. We used to have a heavy sexting relation, but I didn't cut contact because she's in a relationship for 4 months yet. After falling back into the porn abyss for the last three days I cut contact and blocked her, also am cleaning up my 'unhealthy' contacts.

I should also admit that after a month clean I had the desire to do coke on Friday and it turned into a long binge with heavy depression afterwards. Right into the depression I received the picture.

I want to quit both, porn and cocaine. Doing coke makes me vulnerable for a porn relapse afterwards and the negative effects of both are way worse than the temporary high.

Circumstances have never been more difficult for quitting, but I need better preparation. Will sort out any sexting risk out of my contacts as that's my easiest way into relapsing.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #753 on: April 22, 2020, 09:54:25 AM »
Day 2

It's hard to start again and gain motivation, but I think I am prepared better this time.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #754 on: April 22, 2020, 07:57:32 PM »
Hey, man, sorry to hear you hit a rough spot. This time is messing with everyone, and I think people fighting addiction are dealing with an extra hard fight right now.

Every relapse can be a teacher. I know I'm learning from the last one I had. I hate that it happened, but I'm grateful to be learning from it. You definitely are better prepared because you have more experience and wisdom than before. As long as you're learning, your progressing.

We've got this!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #755 on: April 26, 2020, 03:22:20 PM »
Thank you very much, Blue! So far I am on...

Day 6

...and doing really well! I've been very productive this weekend and made it through without much trouble. From now on I will write every day, even if it's just a short entry as this one. Made some changes that will hopefully help me finally leaving this addiction behind.

Hablablos

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #756 on: April 27, 2020, 05:55:50 AM »
Hello Achilles, I am glad that you are doing well, just continue even those days when they won't feel great.

Day 2

It's hard to start again and gain motivation, but I think I am prepared better this time.
About motivation I discovered one quote years ago, but suits me fine even these days:
"Fuck motivation. It's a fickle and unreliable and isn't worth your time. Better to cultivate habits, than rely on motivation. Force yourself to do things. Force yourself to get out of bed and practice. Force yourself to work. Motivation is fleeting and easy to rely on because it requires no concentrated efford to get. Motivation comes to you, you don't even have to chase after it. Habits are reliable. Motivation is fleeting."

Just keep going, you are doing great. And even short entry helps!  ;)
"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new"

Learn from mistakes of others, life is too short to do them all by yourself

Porn addiction is the best thing that has happened to me

Abr20

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #757 on: April 27, 2020, 10:13:59 AM »
Hello Achilles, I am glad that you are doing well, just continue even those days when they won't feel great.

Day 2

It's hard to start again and gain motivation, but I think I am prepared better this time.
About motivation I discovered one quote years ago, but suits me fine even these days:
"Fuck motivation. It's a fickle and unreliable and isn't worth your time .Better to cultivate habits, than rely on motivation. Force yourself to do things. Force yourself to get out of bed and practice. Force yourself to work. Motivation is fleeting and easy to rely on because it requires no concentrated efford to get. Motivation comes to you, you don't even have to chase after it. Habits are reliable. Motivation is fleeting."

Just keep going, you are doing great. And even short entry helps!  ;)

Hey! Great words.

I'm in day 19 and I can express my road in these words: "Fuck motivation. It's a fickle and unreliable and isn't worth your time".

The days I wake up motivated are rare. But I follow my routine (which is my habit).

I always feel better and can make more sensible choices for my development.

I'm holding on tight to get to see new paths. For now just one day at a time to get out of that hole.

Cheers!

faenoe

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #758 on: April 27, 2020, 03:17:35 PM »
hey achilles sorry to hear about that girl. The odds are so incredibly stacked against us with porn being rampant on every social media platform and more accessible than food. I remember surrendering my streak many times to getting porn bot spammed on social media. It really sucks man. Unfortunately, I don't think that will ever change. But we can rise up stronger. Keep on going man.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #759 on: April 27, 2020, 07:28:18 PM »
That's almost a week! Congratulations, man!

It's true what Hablablos said about motivation. I don't usually realize it, but I usually only start wanting to do a thing when I'm in the process of doing it. It's probably not just me, but I have such a hard time starting things. Once I get started, though, it's a lot easier to keep things going.

You've got a week of good energy behind you now. Just keep at it! Posting here daily, even short stuff, is definitely one habit that will keep you going.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #760 on: April 28, 2020, 04:05:13 PM »
Thank you so much for your overwhelming support, guys, it really means a lot to me and helped me in an incredible way!  :) - this weekend I will take my time to read through your stories, because - and that's good news - I am very busy!

It's already:

Day 8

First week complete, now heading towards the second weekend. Have been very, very productive so far and force myself to work out at home every night before going to bed now. Skipped my entry here yesterday, but I guess it was okay as I avoided any kind of trouble keeping myself busy.

Have to go back to the daily success: Next goal is another day without porn!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #761 on: April 28, 2020, 06:58:44 PM »
Daily successes are the way to go! It's awesome to hear that you're staying busy in a good way and moving along.

Here's to Day 9!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #762 on: June 21, 2020, 05:00:04 PM »
Day 1

Just completed a new day 1. Not much success lately, no positive perspective, no motivation to go it alone. I need to take this problem serious again and work on recovery, this is a serious restart once again and I feel motivated to leave my addiction behind.

At least some good news: Over 2 months without drugs aside from alcohol.

Do or die

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #763 on: June 21, 2020, 11:33:52 PM »
Best luck bro
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #764 on: August 08, 2020, 09:53:24 AM »
Day 1

4 years and 4 months after starting this topic and having some major streaks, now I feel like I am back at the bottom and this feels more like a confession than an update:

I now realize what success I already had when doing streaks of various weeks rather easy and spending more days without porn than with porn. Although my relapses after some weeks or even months felt like a complete setback, I managed to start again and to keep porn out of my life most of the time.

Now the whole coronavirus situation completely changed my life for the worse. There are no big social events, no big meetings at work, no public speaking, no personal client contact. I struggled with severe social anxiety due to which in 2013 I discovered I had a problem with porn addiction. I found the key to my misery and seven years later I am right back at it, because lately I can hide myself after long porn binges.

I currently watch porn most days on a daily basis, sometimes even twice and making it three days has been a huge struggle already. My last serious intent here was in april, then I wrote in june but relapsed right afterwards.

I feel ashamed because to get a bigger high during my binges I always felt sexting was even more exciting and I also MO'd on webcam on a page dedicated to that. I feel so empty and ashamed afterwards, this MUST stop.

While my other struggle, cocaine, hasn't gone out of hand in terms of frecuency as my porn use did, I still crossed some lines I wish I could undo. While I always tried to hide doing cocaine and only did it at certain parties or with certain people, I lately did it at random social events with close friends and even family members around. Furthermore I am driving under influence and don't care. This is dangerous to myself, to others and at some point I even felt like: If I finally get caught, I will have a motivation to change my life, because I hit rock bottom.

I had to deal with severe personal issues lately and while this isn't the cause of my addiction, it's the cause of not gaining motivation to fight my way out. But I can't wait to hit whatever rock bottom, because this is not about avoiding the negative, but building a positive life. I love my life too much to let this downward spiral continue.

This is a new beginning, my first goal is to complete my first day and to be able to write "Day 2" again.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #765 on: August 09, 2020, 04:59:07 PM »
Day 2

Kept myself very busy and had a very productive weekend, proud to announce I completed the second day and now focus on the next day to build my way out of this step by step.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #766 on: August 10, 2020, 05:09:17 PM »
Day 3

A good start so far, still keeping myself busy and looking forward to another day.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #767 on: August 11, 2020, 04:29:00 PM »
Day 4

Completing 4 days is a huge success already and I stick to my method of just being too busy to relapse. There is a long road and lots of suffering ahead, but I am willing to go through all this again. I can do it!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #768 on: August 12, 2020, 10:11:44 AM »
Day 5

Still going step by step, this finally feels like a restart. I have to focus on advancing on a daily basis before defining any long term goals. This is just about leaving porn behind.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #769 on: August 13, 2020, 04:06:46 PM »
Day 6

And another day complete, tomorrow will be really important as I will finish the first week and enter a difficult weekend. So far I believe in myself and really feel the change!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #770 on: August 14, 2020, 10:11:38 AM »
Day 7

First week complete, now the difficult weekend is ahead and I have to focus on going through step by step. This is a huge success already, but the toughest time is about to come.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #771 on: August 16, 2020, 11:19:33 AM »
Day 9

I'm still doing great, have been around people yesterday and today and made it impossible to relapse despite some cravings. This is the second porn-free weekend after various long binges on every weekend before in the last months. I once again see how beautiful life can be if I take steps to fill it with actual rewarding activities and not giving in to my addictions.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #772 on: August 17, 2020, 05:09:23 AM »
Day 10

Reaching a two digit number of days porn free is a little milestone already, really feels great! Now I have to work hard to get through the second week. My focus is today as I will not relapse today!

jixu

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #773 on: August 17, 2020, 06:02:23 AM »
Good job making it thru the weekend and pushing ahead into the new week!

zander13

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #774 on: August 17, 2020, 10:29:01 AM »
Good job man