Author Topic: Free At Last  (Read 66749 times)

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #725 on: January 12, 2020, 06:26:59 PM »
Five weeks is awesome! Adding one more day is even better. I think it's so great how you are building this progress one day at a time. That's the way it should be, probably the way it has to be. The way we live today is the way we live our lives, and you've had a good life for 35 days in a row. No reason to stop that!

It's also great that you are pulling yourself back from a period of difficulty. I am not an exercise/nutrition person by any means, but I was reading something a few weeks ago that said it's easier to rebuild muscle after a period of not exercising than to build it from scratch, almost as if our bodies "remember" the muscle mass and have an easier time rebuilding it. I like to think a similar thing works in recovery. Sure, you had a difficult stretch, but you aren't rebuilding from square one. You have a lot of memory stored up that will help your brain and body get back with program faster and stronger than before.

Every day you go clean, your body becomes more your ally and less your enemy through the healing process of recovery. Day by day, you'll get where you're headed. We all will. Keep it up!

Do or die

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #726 on: January 12, 2020, 09:54:35 PM »
Congratulations Achilles
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #727 on: January 13, 2020, 03:38:11 PM »
Day 36

Thank you, guys!  :)

I am very busy again, just quick my plan for today: No porn!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #728 on: January 13, 2020, 09:16:04 PM »
Busy can be helpful, and it looks like you have a perfect plan for the day! Keep it going!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #729 on: January 14, 2020, 04:29:14 PM »
Day 37

Thanks, Blue!

Difficult day, once again there is a clear plan: No porn!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #730 on: January 14, 2020, 09:49:25 PM »
A good plan can really help when it comes to facing difficult days. I'm glad to hear you made it through another one. Keep doing what you're doing and stick to that clear plan.

Day 38 is just a day away!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #731 on: January 16, 2020, 12:20:55 PM »
Day 0

I was too busy to relapse, I thought. Taking my cell phone home would be safe by now... I'm really angry at myself. This is just so stupid and it really doesn't help thinking that I am now heading towards 7 years of not getting clean... of relapsing again and again sooner or later...

I have the keys to success, but a few days of taking restrictions too easy is enough already to fall back to day 0.

Have to think about changing strategies, I can't just start again as if nothing happened.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #732 on: January 16, 2020, 08:17:35 PM »
Definitely smart to take some time to reassess and find some adjustments that will help you move in the right direction again. Figure out what's sustainable. Maybe having no devices at home isn't the most sustainable way (because anytime you have a device at home, it will trigger you strongly). I don't know, think about the cues and associations related to relapse and how you can readjust your routines to start associating those cues with new behaviors.

A relapse is definitely frustrating, and I'm sorry to hear it happened. But don't beat yourself up too much for being on this road for 7 years. I'm coming up on 10 years since the first time I actually told someone I had this addiction and started working on it for real. This is about finding a new way to live our whole lives, not just about fixing one problem. A recovery plan that you can't live with every day for the rest of your life is a recovery plan that will fail.

It's just a day at a time, too. Regardless of what happened today, tomorrow is its own thing. Go make it a great day!

Non-Dual Adventurer

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #733 on: January 18, 2020, 02:31:22 AM »
I recently downloaded Net Nanny, one of the most advanced internet filters on the market.

I pay $45 a year and it blocks all P, no exceptions. SOME P subs slip through but they are so crappy as to honestly not warrant your addicted brain's attention, and it will realise it soon enough.

I can have this program on up to 5 devices, and my wife has the password for it so I can't just disable it.

I would strongly consider downloading this if I were you. I find that sometimes the internet is slow, and sometimes it doesn't work at all, but if I reload the app and/or browser, it usually improves.

Slower internet is a small price to pay for your freedom. So far it is really helping me curb the urges because when I know that P is literally impossible, watching P subs seems soo boring and pointless, that I don't even bother.

Download it and give the log in info to someone you love and trust. Blacklist all of your favourite P sites just in case anything slips through the net. Make sure this person can hold you accountable. They will be able to see every single blocked site and google search, so make sure it is someone you can really trust.

Sure, maybe you might try to still access P for a bit, but this software literally uses AI to comprehend your internet habits and become better. It learns from your fuck-ups and blocks that shit.

Don't take any more chances and give your brain a chance to be free from P.

Trust me, paying $45 for this software and still being able to have your devices in the house without fear is a godsend (for me at least).

Strongly recommend!!!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #734 on: January 24, 2020, 05:11:23 AM »
Thanks, Blue and Adventurer! I will reply to your insights, but now just have to make a cut again:

Day 0

This time I went down the abyss deliberately and on a daily basis. Seven years trying to quit were in vain and I was only torturing myself without any results - that's what I thought after relapsing this time. To hell with social anxiety or sexual dysfunction, porn is just fun and I should allow myself to go for it. Instead of fighting these thoughts I decided to just allow myself to act on those desires. Just go for porn, go for the fun, live my life the same way as before just without those stupid restrictions and the abstinence thing.

But, well, I can't live my life like before including porn! More than that, even if porn wouldn't have any negative side effects I still would want to quit it BECAUSE IT IS SUCH A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME! My life time is valuable and I can not keep up with everything I am doing while also including porn in my life.

When I think about 7 years of failure, I have to put it in a different perspective: Yes, I relapsed after 37 days clean and returned to "day 0" - but it also means I lived 37 days without that time wasting bullshit. I am successful at work, use to do sports and attend social and cultural activities. I have already build a life that replaced porn step by step without really noticing how far I have come. And it is thanks to the process of quitting, even though I didn't finally quit yet.

There hasn't been a single time that after a porn binge I said "Wow, that's what I needed in my life right now - it was such a rewarding experience, I will go for it again!", I usually end up here and start again. Now, this time I decided I wouldn't quit out of shame or guilt and instead go back to porn every time. But I reached a level where nothing turns me on anymore. That's the pleasure I was craving so much: No satisfaction at all and killing all my natural desire.

I want to quit porn definitely, today starts one week of proper preparation. I will work on strategies on how to avoid the usual difficulties, prepare myself a "FAQ" on my appearing self doubts through this journey and write down what little steps in life I would like to change to just CHANGE them instantly and make this a new start with the missing link in the chain to success.

Restrictions are useful and necessary, but they need to be well thought and I need a solution for my cell phone which is my last weak point while otherwise I was able to control my life.

Well, cleaning up my life starts now - in preparation to take the final step into freedom.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #735 on: January 24, 2020, 07:51:34 PM »
Seven years trying to quit were in vain and I was only torturing myself without any results - that's what I thought after relapsing this time.

I wouldn't say those seven years were in vain, but it seems like a wise insight that you were only torturing yourself. That isn't a sustainable path to recovery. That is a painful ticket to relapse.

You know, if it took this relapse to wake you up a more compassionate approach to recovery, it's a good thing it happened. Sometimes, it felt like a relapse burned down my whole system and made me see what was really going on. You did something you don't want to do again, and you gained an insight into how you are going to proceed from here.

I was listening to something the other day that said that it's much more productive to make changes from a place of self-care than self-punishment. They were talking about food. You could say, "I'm going to eat a salad because I'm fat and have to restrict my diet." Or you could say, "I'm going to eat a salad because it has the kinds of foods that are going to energize me for the afternoon." One of those is an attitude of punishment and the other is an attitude of care.

Same thing with recovery. I have a web filter on my internet connection at home, but it isn't a restriction. I think of it as a protection. More than anything, it keeps me from accidental exposure and makes intentional relapse a little more inconvenient. But it doesn't hold me back from living my new normal (I can do homework and send emails, etc. without being constantly reminded that I've lost internet privileges).

We can't punish ourselves into good behavior, but we can take good care of ourselves so that we will heal. The key is to make changes that we are comfortable making permanently. It's not just about gritting our teeth and staying away from porn for 90 days. It's about making manageable and sustainable adjustments to the way we plan to live our lives from now on. If it's not something we can see ourselves doing every day for the rest of our lives, it's not something that will really help our recovery (even if it would work in theory or work for someone else).

Tomorrow is day 1, but it's a new kind of day 1. It's day 1 of taking better care of yourself and working on a more sustainable and supportive path to recovery.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #736 on: March 14, 2020, 05:53:12 PM »
Day 0

After my latest entry of "preparation" almost two months ago I didn't even come back to write here because I already failed. Had some success then due to dating a girl, but failed again. Today once again. None of those latest relapses have been as horrible as those I described here sometimes, but still I couldn't make it without porn for long and also went back to cocaine several times while also drinking frequently. Now with corona virus public life is shutting down step by step and I spend more time alone causing loneliness. As dating the girl already ended and I feel lonely again, out of curiosity I searched for a girl on Facebook that I couldn't get out of my head for years to see that... she just got married. I can see the combination of circumstances to leave me two options: Either drown in self-pity, alcohol, drugs and porn or to get back on the right track and fight addictions. I will go for option number two and write a bigger update tomorrow after getting lots of things done today!

Gabe Deem

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #737 on: March 14, 2020, 07:21:09 PM »
Rooting for you and option two, Achilles! You got this.. one day at a time.



Twitter and Instagram @gabedeem. Please consider supporting Reboot Nation on Patreon https://www.patreon.com/gabedeem

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #738 on: March 14, 2020, 07:30:09 PM »
Definitely rooting for you too, man! It's a weird time for anyone, and a weird time to be in recovery. Lots of time to be alone with our thoughts. I'm trying to think of it as an opportunity. I always say that I would get a lot of good things done if I just had the time to do them, and here's my chance to prove it.

Let's do it together! Looking forward to your update tomorrow. We've got this!

Reboot4good

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #739 on: March 14, 2020, 07:37:27 PM »
You can do this man, there are more fish in the sea and brighter days ahead!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #740 on: April 09, 2020, 04:41:24 AM »
Day 1

Thank you so much for your encouraging words, guys! Unfortunately instead of a major update next day I failed immediately and lately couldn't turn things around due to being home too much and working home office. I felt like shit for not even making it a few days porn free, instead my porn use is on daily basis lately and I skipped tasks I had to do for work lately to go on a binge. Yesterday it happened once again and I can't wait to start again until the whole quarantine situation changes.

Today is the first day of a new life, I made it before and I can do it again. This has to stop now because all the big achievements I made during the last years are in danger if I don't react now!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #741 on: April 09, 2020, 07:38:55 PM »
Day 1 is an important day. I fell into a binge last week (or two if we want to count them separately). I don't say that to say that it's all no big deal, but it's true that we're all in a weird spot. I keep thinking about the saying that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety but connection. I've never been more isolated from other people at any point in my life (and hope I never am again).

Now is a time full of risks and difficulty,  but it's also a great opportunity. When things are busy, we just have to move from one thing to the next, getting stuff done without really thinking about it. Now, though, we have time to really dig deep and do some introspection and reflection. Before, we might have all been getting by, but this is a chance to really face our addictions, our lives, etc. and do real healing work. Don't shy away from that (I don't want to).

Let's tackle it together while we have the space to do it!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #742 on: April 10, 2020, 06:02:54 PM »
Day 2

Technically I am already on day 3, but here's a part of the plan for the rest of this month: While I can not promise to succeed, I can promise to write here every day. If I go on days of binge again, there is no way to hide, disappear and start again - I will write here every day.

This will help me not falling back into the porn abyss. So far I had a good start and my first goal is to make it through the long weekend. Would be a great success, going step by step, day by day.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #743 on: April 11, 2020, 05:35:37 AM »
Day 3

One thing I learned for sure: It does make a difference relapsing once or going on binges for days or weeks. I experience a major setback in terms of stronger cravings and it's already a struggle to make it through the first days.

I have to appreciate how much easier it becomes to say no to porn after the first month. I want to experience that freedom even though I will never be 'cured' completely.

For now it is just pushing through the tough times, I made a good start and try to keep myself busy.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #744 on: April 12, 2020, 06:20:43 AM »
Day 4

Almost through the weekend, this is a huge success considering my current situation. I will focus only on today and go step by step!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #745 on: April 13, 2020, 03:24:58 AM »
Day 5

Got much stuff done at home and started working out again, not being able to go to the gym shouldn't be an excuse to be completely out of shape.

As always after excessive porn use, I have to keep up with lots of things and clean my home. The results are always satisfying and I still have high motivation on advancing.

Next intermediate goal is to complete the first week!

faenoe

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #746 on: April 13, 2020, 11:33:31 PM »
Hey man, only a couple more days until you're at a week! Glad to hear that you're being productive and feeling that satisfaction that comes from exerting yourself in physically healthy ways. Rock on. ;D You can do it!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #747 on: April 14, 2020, 03:20:57 PM »
Thank you very much, faonoe!  :)

Day 6

Motivation is really high. Higher than ever before. I still have to put lots of work in overcoming cravings and advancing step by step, but it really feels like I can make it this time. And many times I lacked that belief in myself just to fail somewhere around the first month already.

Before any deeper reflections it's about stepping out of the abyss first. Tomorrow I will complete the first week on hard mode and hope to keep going.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #748 on: April 15, 2020, 08:50:52 AM »
Day 7

First week almost complete, feel highly motivated and productive. Next step is to reach the weekend without relapsing.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #749 on: April 16, 2020, 02:40:46 PM »
Day 8

Close to the second weekend, need to prepare because it's going to be tough!