You are right, your encouragement really helps and of course the journey is totally worth it. I am happy to announce...77 daysAfter going down, the rollercoaster went up a bit again and I had really great moments at work where I felt really confident. I doubt others even notice the difference, but I do have a clearer voice and notice this myself while speaking. It's not like moments of insecurities vanish completely, but they are less present and I am not thinking the whole time about what others might think of me. The further away I am from porn, the less I feel the need to hide. There is still a long way ahead to overcome shame, but I am on the right track.
I am checking the phone frequently for her messages and don't want to be without communication for twelve hours or longer. I must calm down, because I've got this feeling of going all-in without caring about anything else. We talked a few hours in a group, I didn't even meet her alone yet and have absolutely no idea about my chances with her. I just know that starting today I will go back to my routines and restrictions immediately, because they are priorities in my life and I know that if things with the girl fail and I keep being lazy, I am in big trouble of falling into a hole and to relapse.
80 days, man! This is wow!
I know the feeling! But I have heard it can be good not to bend over backwards in order to be available, especially in the early stages. Stick to your rules (for your own sake) and try (easier to say than do) not to worry about messing things up. For all she knows, you might be one of those people who has a "no screens after 7:00" policies or whatever. If she's really going to get bent out of shape because you can't text her until the next day, that's her problem, not yours.
More than being afraid of rejection, I am afraid of not being able to handle the feeling of getting rejected.
My personal development and progress must not be influenced by meeting a girl. If things work out - great! If they don't work out - I will just keep going and there will be another opportunity!
You're right about spotting those pesky behaviours that lead you toward relapse. Today, I was having some real urges. I didn't watch P but I did drink a beer for lunch... Now, I enjoy the occasional lunch beer - it's not in itself a problem apart from I drank it to numb the pain of the withdrawal. I caught it though, and ended up chanting some mantra to calm down because I was so restless. Keep on keeping on, mate! The big 9-0 is just round the corner!
This still isn't the end of this journey and lately I am working harder than ever before on advancing with my whole life. Will give a little more detailed update this weekend - keep going everybody and remember: If I can do it - I have been a hopeless case for far too long - you can do it too!