Author Topic: Free At Last  (Read 52505 times)

Lero

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #550 on: August 04, 2019, 03:24:25 PM »
Man, I don't know, I don't have anything going on in terms of girls. I mean, on one hand I want to, but on the other hand, I'm afraid of PIED. I guess I need more time to sensitize myself to girls that are not on a screen. It's frustrating. My primal instinct makes me want to get involved with girls but porn has turned me into a non-functional guy. That's why it's fucking crucial to quit this poison.

Regarding social anxiety, I have noticed lower social anxiety after only 2 weeks. I don't know if it's a placebo effect but even if it was, I wouldn't mind.

rob24

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #551 on: August 04, 2019, 05:08:29 PM »
Man, I don't know, I don't have anything going on in terms of girls. I mean, on one hand I want to, but on the other hand, I'm afraid of PIED. I guess I need more time to sensitize myself to girls that are not on a screen. It's frustrating. My primal instinct makes me want to get involved with girls but porn has turned me into a non-functional guy. That's why it's fucking crucial to quit this poison.

Regarding social anxiety, I have noticed lower social anxiety after only 2 weeks. I don't know if it's a placebo effect but even if it was, I wouldn't mind.

Lero, similar thoughts here. I've been living under a rock from work for about two years and haven't seen my friends in awhile. There's a lot of mixed up feelings - Am I looking for friends? For a relationship? For sex? I think that the best thing I can do is not force anything of myself, and just reach out to a few people at a time. Social anxiety dropping was surprisingly fast for me too. I feel far more confident. It's either placebo for both of us or it's actually a thing, I think. PIED may pop up, but it's probably normal at first. Not sure about the timeline on this. I'm hoping that I will be able to return to the state I was in as a kid before I even encountered porn in the first place (I would literally shake at seeing scantily clad women). That would be, for me, the ultimate sign of being cured. Wondering if this level of "being cured" is possible though.



BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #552 on: August 04, 2019, 06:33:33 PM »
"I thought you were looking too good for her anyway."

Either this is all just placebo and my social anxiety becomes less because I want to believe it or over two months of being productive, doing sports, eating healthy (most of the time), taking care about my looks instead of wasting my life masturbating in front of a computer actually make a difference. Either way I want to keep it that way, because I feel like I am still at the very beginning of discovering what I am capable of.

Really awesome stuff! More proof that we are generally the people with the lowest opinions of ourselves. Way to get out there and put yourself "at risk" socially. Whatever comes from it, I still think it's an awesome experience.

And I'm pretty sure it's not a placebo. But, even if it is, placebos work, you know? And if these things are working for you, there's obviously no reason to quit. Keep on being awesome!

I'm hoping that I will be able to return to the state I was in as a kid before I even encountered porn in the first place (I would literally shake at seeing scantily clad women). That would be, for me, the ultimate sign of being cured. Wondering if this level of "being cured" is possible though.

It might be possible, but, for me at least, I have sort of given up on the idea of "going back." Kid me wasn't addicted to porn, but kid me had a lot of habits and curiosities that led me to addiction. And even then, I literally can't go back to being a person who has never seen porn. Part of my recovery process lately has been accepting the fact that I can't go back and realizing then what it means to go forward. I wish I could have had a life without addiction, but that's not how my life has gone. Now my job is to figure out what it means to live a life in recovery. Maybe the day will come when porn is 0% interesting for the rest of my life, but that's not where I'm at. Right now (and for the foreseeable future) I have to learn how to live a life where a part of me wants porn without acting out on those urges. Besides, I really think that I have become a better and more capable person during this continual process of fighting addiction than I ever was before it all started. Just what I've been thinking about lately, anyway.

Lero

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #553 on: August 05, 2019, 04:11:58 AM »
It might be possible, but, for me at least, I have sort of given up on the idea of "going back." Kid me wasn't addicted to porn, but kid me had a lot of habits and curiosities that led me to addiction. And even then, I literally can't go back to being a person who has never seen porn. Part of my recovery process lately has been accepting the fact that I can't go back and realizing then what it means to go forward. I wish I could have had a life without addiction, but that's not how my life has gone. Now my job is to figure out what it means to live a life in recovery. Maybe the day will come when porn is 0% interesting for the rest of my life, but that's not where I'm at. Right now (and for the foreseeable future) I have to learn how to live a life where a part of me wants porn without acting out on those urges. Besides, I really think that I have become a better and more capable person during this continual process of fighting addiction than I ever was before it all started. Just what I've been thinking about lately, anyway.

I don't know how possible it is to go back to a state when porn has never been a part of your life. We have pathways in our brain that are like a "memory". Once you quit porn, it leaves you alone in terms of not thinking about it anymore but play with it again and you wake up the memory. We are more susceptible to relapses than normal people because of our history of porn. So I guess this statement is right: We have to live our lives as recovering addicts. And to be honest, I don't think it's even a good idea to develop this mindset of: "I'm porn free now, it won't affect me anymore." It's a small step that could lead you back to where you used to be. Once we are done with porn, fuck porn, we stay away from it and that's it.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #554 on: August 07, 2019, 06:02:19 PM »
As always: Thank you very much, guys! :) I'm very busy lately, looking forward to checking out everyone's journal this weekend. Hope, you're all doing well.

69 days

Well, bad news first: Things with the girl led nowhere, besides small talk there was no real connection. No disappointment at all, talking to her and getting her number was a bigger achievement than I ever thought I'd be capable of.

Good news: I am one day away from completing 70 days. In fact I have to pay attention because I feel a giant step forward and felt really free the last days. I actually had the feeling of having overcome this problem and don't feel any desire to watch porn at all. But I know that I'm not where I want to be yet. I will not lower my guards. My "restrictions" aren't restrictions to me anymore, they are just part of my new life. I now understand that this isn't a journey of 90+ days of abstinence to become clean and then return to the life I lived before - this is my new life and the restrictions are something I need to turn into good habits that last. There is still lots of work ahead, there will be cravings again, there will be triggers out of nowhere, I will have to deal with emotional pain. It's important now to keep filling my life with real joy and good experiences, to find balance and build more distance towards the last time using porn.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #555 on: August 07, 2019, 06:44:45 PM »
Well, bad news first: Things with the girl led nowhere, besides small talk there was no real connection. No disappointment at all, talking to her and getting her number was a bigger achievement than I ever thought I'd be capable of.

Who needs her, lol? I tend to act sort of desperately and put all my eggs in one basket when I think there's a chance of a connection because I don't want to lose my chance at "the one." But I have sort of decided to give that attitude up. If it's meant to be, it will work out. And if not, then it doesn't help me at all to get too worried about it.

Good news: I am one day away from completing 70 days. In fact I have to pay attention because I feel a giant step forward and felt really free the last days. I actually had the feeling of having overcome this problem and don't feel any desire to watch porn at all. But I know that I'm not where I want to be yet. I will not lower my guards. My "restrictions" aren't restrictions to me anymore, they are just part of my new life. I now understand that this isn't a journey of 90+ days of abstinence to become clean and then return to the life I lived before - this is my new life and the restrictions are something I need to turn into good habits that last. There is still lots of work ahead, there will be cravings again, there will be triggers out of nowhere, I will have to deal with emotional pain. It's important now to keep filling my life with real joy and good experiences, to find balance and build more distance towards the last time using porn.

But this good news is really fantastic! It's awesome that you aren't feeling a desire to watch porn at all and that your restrictions are just feeling more like a normal part of your life. That's a great place to be, and it shows that your "restrictions" are sustainable as part of a new and healthier lifestyle. It definitely isn't just about 90 days. It's about the rest of our lives.

It definitely also becomes a different sort of game with a longer streak. You aren't doing everything you can to just fight your brain's dopamine-tantrums. Instead it's just about staying consistent with what works and dealing effectively with unexpected triggers. I don't want to say it's easier because you still have be aware and diligent, but I will say that my body is a lot more cooperative now than it was at the start of the year.

Just keep powering along!

squid

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #556 on: August 07, 2019, 09:15:19 PM »
Great work dude, you are making great progress!

dusty

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #557 on: August 08, 2019, 04:11:30 AM »
As always: Thank you very much, guys! :) I'm very busy lately, looking forward to checking out everyone's journal this weekend. Hope, you're all doing well.

69 days

Well, bad news first: Things with the girl led nowhere, besides small talk there was no real connection. No disappointment at all, talking to her and getting her number was a bigger achievement than I ever thought I'd be capable of.

Good news: I am one day away from completing 70 days. In fact I have to pay attention because I feel a giant step forward and felt really free the last days. I actually had the feeling of having overcome this problem and don't feel any desire to watch porn at all. But I know that I'm not where I want to be yet. I will not lower my guards. My "restrictions" aren't restrictions to me anymore, they are just part of my new life. I now understand that this isn't a journey of 90+ days of abstinence to become clean and then return to the life I lived before - this is my new life and the restrictions are something I need to turn into good habits that last. There is still lots of work ahead, there will be cravings again, there will be triggers out of nowhere, I will have to deal with emotional pain. It's important now to keep filling my life with real joy and good experiences, to find balance and build more distance towards the last time using porn.

Great Achilles, such a great reboot! :D

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #558 on: August 09, 2019, 02:33:42 PM »
Thanks a lot once again, guys!  :)

70 days

Another milestone for me, because this is the cleanest streak ever. Not only did I completely abstain from porn and any porn subs including sexting, but I also did not MO for 70 days, the longest streak in my life. Apart from little episodes of drunk self-touching I stopped right away, I didn't even M. I never thought this was possible, but it is and actually it is easier and I feel an accelerated recovery.

I don't want to say it's easier because you still have be aware and diligent, but I will say that my body is a lot more cooperative now than it was at the start of the year.

Let's be honest: It definitely IS easier now. Yes, there is a different challenge now, but I don't want to go back to the first month and all the shit I've gone through back then and during my former reboots because it is harder during the early stage. The big challenge now is avoid thinking "I'm cured, give me back my former life with cell phone at home and social media!", the new challenge is to remind myself that feeling as good as I do now is the result of hard work and to keep up that hard work including all restrictions I set up. I am currently reading through my journal to be a little more humble about this problem, because I realize how I'm on a dangerous wave of euphoria and complacency, convinced I already defeated porn. This is far from over and while today I am writing about 70 days porn free and feeling good, there were other days I shouldn't forget:

20 days

Severe depression, can't sleep anymore, I feel lonely and powerless. Completely hopeless and no positive perspective on life whatsoever.
...
every negative thought hits me 100 times as hard.
...
Feel like crying, on a scale from 1-10 my current mood is a 0.
...
This is a little reminder to myself: If I make it past this point and feel better, this is part of reboot and the extreme negativity is part of withdrawals. It is very likely that it's like that and it's also possible that I might forget how bad I felt. I don't have time or energy to waste and start again, rebooting is my priority in life

THIS is how the first month feels sometimes (last year) and I never want to go back there again. I also discovered a shocking entry about a relapse 1 1/2 years ago - I can barely believe that it was me writing this:

Day 0

Despite this being an anonymous journal I'd prefer not to write this entry, I do feel ashamed of myself and hit rock bottom.
...
this time I went on a binge for hours and finished just about 8 hours later when I had to take a shower to go to work. I didn't even sleep a single minute and walked around at work like a zombie just thinking about returning home to watch porn again because I already relapsed the same day and it wouldn't matter anyway.

Instead of a short relapse I binged again and maybe worse than ever before in my life, this time it lasted more than twelve hours and I kept M'ing despite being in pain and flaccid towards the end (and to this moment keep feeling dead down there). Mixed sexting and watching porn, totally fried my brain with more shock and novelty for hours. Sent the girl a video of myself I am deeply ashamed of and also some perverted messages that make me feel ashamed, too.
...
When returning from work in my car all the memories came back and I was heavily shaking my head while driving faster and faster trying to just escape that feeling of absolute loss of self-respect, of deep self-hatred and shame, of feeling ridiculous and stupid. Those feelings hit me almost like a physical pain and led to the thought that by driving the car into a bridge pier I could just end it and feel peace again. I'm not suicidal at all, when I arrived home and thought about it again I started crying and had a sort of nervous breakdown. This is too much to handle for the moment
...
I am just the perfect example of the eternal failure
...
I'm totally lacking humility and despite knowing that porn controls me, I don't take the steps neccessary to keep my triggers away. I manage to stay clean for two weeks and already don't care anymore about my rule about no cell phone at home

I actually thought about deleting this entry back then, instead I am going to repeat it here now in parts, because this is what relapsing on porn can feel like. I am grateful I don't remember this pain and I am grateful for my latest success, there will be no lowering of restrictions and I will keep putting in the same work as on day 1.

Lero

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #559 on: August 09, 2019, 03:04:13 PM »
THIS is how the first month feels sometimes (last year) and I never want to go back there again. I also discovered a shocking entry about a relapse 1 1/2 years ago - I can barely believe that it was me writing this:

Day 0

Despite this being an anonymous journal I'd prefer not to write this entry, I do feel ashamed of myself and hit rock bottom.
...
this time I went on a binge for hours and finished just about 8 hours later when I had to take a shower to go to work. I didn't even sleep a single minute and walked around at work like a zombie just thinking about returning home to watch porn again because I already relapsed the same day and it wouldn't matter anyway.

Instead of a short relapse I binged again and maybe worse than ever before in my life, this time it lasted more than twelve hours and I kept M'ing despite being in pain and flaccid towards the end (and to this moment keep feeling dead down there). Mixed sexting and watching porn, totally fried my brain with more shock and novelty for hours. Sent the girl a video of myself I am deeply ashamed of and also some perverted messages that make me feel ashamed, too.
...
When returning from work in my car all the memories came back and I was heavily shaking my head while driving faster and faster trying to just escape that feeling of absolute loss of self-respect, of deep self-hatred and shame, of feeling ridiculous and stupid. Those feelings hit me almost like a physical pain and led to the thought that by driving the car into a bridge pier I could just end it and feel peace again. I'm not suicidal at all, when I arrived home and thought about it again I started crying and had a sort of nervous breakdown. This is too much to handle for the moment
...
I am just the perfect example of the eternal failure
...
I'm totally lacking humility and despite knowing that porn controls me, I don't take the steps neccessary to keep my triggers away. I manage to stay clean for two weeks and already don't care anymore about my rule about no cell phone at home

I actually thought about deleting this entry back then, instead I am going to repeat it here now in parts, because this is what relapsing on porn can feel like. I am grateful I don't remember this pain and I am grateful for my latest success, there will be no lowering of restrictions and I will keep putting in the same work as on day 1.

Thanks for sharing this. It was you back then, there is nothing to be ashamed of. The you from now is miles ahead, and this is an inspiration for us all and an example of strength and determination. An entry like this is a great reminder of the place where you should never return. That was you at the most miserable and I've had a lot of moments like this too. I used to edge for hours until I completely exhausted my "arousal tank" (as I like to call it) and I could not turn myself on no matter what shit I watched. This is where the orgasm became an act of "let's finish this" and it made me feel nothing. I know how being completely lost and powerless feels like. I've had hundreds of moments when I thought I had absolutely no chance to quit this fucking shit. I used to say: "Some people can do it and some can't and I'm one of them. Not everybody is the same and I'm a fucking loser, I can't do shit." After this, it's unbelieveable I made it to 19 days, and this through probably the most stressful period in the last years, plus a tone of general anxiety and panic disorder (that I suffer from). I still fucking made it to 19 days with all that and porn was my soothing, I should've PMOed and edged like crazy. What does this say? When we feel the most miserable, we don't see a way out then when we make it to 20 days it's fucking unbelievable for us, which shows that anybody can do it, no matter how defective they feel they are. There is always a plan, always the right things to do and BAM! One day everything aligns. I definitely don't want to return to misery. I want to continue this 19 days streak. We must not get too cocky and think now we are the shit. A recovering addict is always a recovering addict. There are stories about people who relapsed on alcohol or drugs after 20 years. There is always that pathway in the brain which is like a "memory" when the times where fucking great (when I could come from school and be so happy to PMO, having no idea what I was doing). We must always be vigilant as if it's day 1. And always remember how shit we feel after a relapse. There is no way I want to binge my way back to day 1. I crave porn so much, I crave the dopamine that it gives me, I am 1 inch away from relapsing everyday but I don't do anything about it.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #560 on: August 09, 2019, 05:51:13 PM »
Wow, really beautiful retrospective. It's amazing to see what continued effort over time can actually bring about. The version of you that posted back then probably would never believe that you would be where you are today, but you kept trying, more proof that the only failure is giving up.

Let's be honest: It definitely IS easier now. Yes, there is a different challenge now, but I don't want to go back to the first month and all the shit I've gone through back then and during my former reboots because it is harder during the early stage. The big challenge now is avoid thinking "I'm cured, give me back my former life with cell phone at home and social media!", the new challenge is to remind myself that feeling as good as I do now is the result of hard work and to keep up that hard work including all restrictions I set up. I am currently reading through my journal to be a little more humble about this problem, because I realize how I'm on a dangerous wave of euphoria and complacency, convinced I already defeated porn.

I think you're right about this. It definitely is easier. But easier doesn't mean effortless or automatic, but definitely not as hard as it is in the early days of recovery/a streak.

Really inspiring stuff, just keep up the great work!

rob24

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #561 on: August 09, 2019, 08:29:36 PM »
Congratulations on reaching the 70 day mark achilles! I've always made it a priority to live with a sense of renewal. Seeing you use your earlier journal entries to get that sense even after 70 days seems like a great idea. Keep at it with strong resolve! Hope to join you at the 70 day mark soon!



squid

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #562 on: August 09, 2019, 11:48:38 PM »
That's a powerful post Achilles, you have come so far.  Great stuff man, you sound so much happier without pmo :)

Do or die

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #563 on: August 10, 2019, 11:58:23 AM »
Day 65 is dream for me bro. Its very impressive.
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #564 on: August 11, 2019, 10:18:39 AM »
Thank you very much for your comments, they mean a lot to me and help me stay motivated!  :)

72 days

Had a dream about finding nudes of a girl on my computer that I deleted long ago and in my dream I was fighting with myself about opening or not opening the files and finally took a look at one of the pictures. This shows my brain is still processing the abstinence and it's no surprise to me as I eliminated the concept of the "90 days" - gaining distance to my addiction will take more time.

Good news is I went out and returned with the phone number of a girl I met in a bar again. It's not only my decreasing social anxiety, but I also force myself to develop more drive towards girls due to not allowing myself any artificial stimulation or masturbation.

I am on a good way to live the life I wanted to, but it's neccessary to remind myself every day about how much work is behind all this and how I need to stay aware and keep working on my progress. The good thing is that I started to believe in my success, while not long ago I considered myself a hopeless case and last year actually was about to give up. I can do it, porn is no longer an option.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #565 on: August 11, 2019, 08:09:16 PM »
Good stuff, man! It's kind of an exciting thing when you start to fight with yourself even in your dreams. Who knows if it really means anything, but I like to think it means that our commitment to recovery is settling into our subconscious.

Keep it up!

rob24

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #566 on: August 11, 2019, 10:18:09 PM »
Nice job man! Keep up the good work. Any progress in involuntary thoughts or dreams seems like a sure sign of progress, and it's great that you're meeting more people!



achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #567 on: August 13, 2019, 05:29:46 PM »
75 days

While the rollercoaster might not be going up and down as much as during the first month, there are still mood changes I need to be aware of. I talked about my "wave of euphoria and complacency", well, now I'm facing (self)-doubts out of nowhere as the euphoria disappeared. It's like I'm actually afraid of reaching a "normal" state of mind. After years in the cave of porn by stepping out I feel blinded by the light and am afraid of what's out there.

I caught myself having thoughts like "Well, 2 1/2 months clean, no superpowers, sometimes you felt better at day 8 than now after over 70 days - is it really worth all the suffering and restrictions? Is it maybe just a giant placebo and your mood changes are there due to other reasons? Wouldn't you feel the same ups and downs while still using porn frequently?"

Subconsciously I still have this misconception of 90 days that change my life completely and as I am actually coming closer to the 90 days, I wonder where my superpowers are. I was procrastinating lately and had to force myself today to get lots of tasks done. Leaving porn behind doesn't automatically change every aspect of my life, but it's still absolutely neccessary to be able to change those things myself. I am still at the beginning of my new life, there is so much work ahead and so many things I need to change step by step.

Sometimes it's not helpful to read success stories where the rebooter talks about his transformation from zero to hero, becoming a millionaire, learning an instrument and having all social anxiety gone in 90 days. This doesn't work for me, I am doing two steps forward, one step back and sometimes while doing the step back, I am questioning the whole journey. At least I am experienced enough to identify those thought patterns that in the past led me to relapsing and need to write about those doubts. I know what is happening and I know that this will pass, I've come incredibly far yet and don't want to go back ever again!

BlueHeronFan

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #568 on: August 13, 2019, 06:10:00 PM »
I think this is an important thing to recognize and talk about because I know exactly what you mean. When I was in a cycle of regularly relapsing, I would start to feel like I was on top of the world after a couple weeks. I would feel really happy and confident and like I could take on anything in the world. Except for the next round of urges, of course. When those came around, I crumbled like it was nothing and I was back in the cycle of digging myself out of relapse and starting over.

This time around, though, that hasn't happened. There aren't superpowers. After a few months, getting to milestone days feels more normal and less exciting. The urges ease up, so it's not like a constant battle. The rollercoaster evens out. I'm not crashing down into relapse, so the lows aren't as low, but the highs aren't as high either (because they aren't being exaggerated by addicted brain chemistry anymore). The real work of maintaining recovery hasn't been a whirlwind of success for me (I am not a millionaire superstar). 90 days have come and gone and, on the outside, you probably wouldn't think my life has changed at all.

But my life has changed, or is changing. It has been a few months since I've had any kind of PMO, MO, edging, etc., and I don't honestly miss it. I do have occasional thoughts, kind of like memories, but they don't stick around or get me going like they used to. I don't lose control of my mind and body when I see a woman who is showing skin. I am much more in control of me, and I am on much better terms with myself. I don't hate myself like I used to.

I know you know it, but it can be good to hear someone else say it: it is definitely worth it! For most, if not all of us, our addictions are very private secrets that nobody in our lives really knows about. If people couldn't see our addictions, it shouldn't be surprising that they won't see our recovery. But we will. The change is real, even if it seems invisible, and it truly is a change for the better.

Keep at it, you're only a couple weeks from the big 90, and another day closer to a much better future!

Re: Free At Last
« Reply #569 on: August 14, 2019, 06:03:30 AM »
My dear friend, you are too amazing to not feel good about yourself. You may not be exactly where you want to be in life, but your worth isn't determined by your success, the amount of work you accomplish or what others think of you. You are worthy because you are you.
Congratulations on one day closer to infinity, you are doing much more better than you realize :)

dusty

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #570 on: August 14, 2019, 06:32:59 AM »
75 days

While the rollercoaster might not be going up and down as much as during the first month, there are still mood changes I need to be aware of. I talked about my "wave of euphoria and complacency", well, now I'm facing (self)-doubts out of nowhere as the euphoria disappeared. It's like I'm actually afraid of reaching a "normal" state of mind. After years in the cave of porn by stepping out I feel blinded by the light and am afraid of what's out there.

I caught myself having thoughts like "Well, 2 1/2 months clean, no superpowers, sometimes you felt better at day 8 than now after over 70 days - is it really worth all the suffering and restrictions? Is it maybe just a giant placebo and your mood changes are there due to other reasons? Wouldn't you feel the same ups and downs while still using porn frequently?"

Subconsciously I still have this misconception of 90 days that change my life completely and as I am actually coming closer to the 90 days, I wonder where my superpowers are. I was procrastinating lately and had to force myself today to get lots of tasks done. Leaving porn behind doesn't automatically change every aspect of my life, but it's still absolutely neccessary to be able to change those things myself. I am still at the beginning of my new life, there is so much work ahead and so many things I need to change step by step.

Sometimes it's not helpful to read success stories where the rebooter talks about his transformation from zero to hero, becoming a millionaire, learning an instrument and having all social anxiety gone in 90 days. This doesn't work for me, I am doing two steps forward, one step back and sometimes while doing the step back, I am questioning the whole journey. At least I am experienced enough to identify those thought patterns that in the past led me to relapsing and need to write about those doubts. I know what is happening and I know that this will pass, I've come incredibly far yet and don't want to go back ever again!

OMG, it's about me. Yep, I've just read about myself. I undestand you Achilles. Having no superpowers after good long reboot sucks. But probably we'll never get any. Yesterday I had a bad day and I was thinking if this whole proccess does really make any sense. I don't know, but i believe it does...

Lero

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #571 on: August 14, 2019, 06:43:49 AM »
You know, people talk about "super powers" because after years of binging on P, they're usual self was so low. After giving up P for a period of time, their "normal self" came back but it felt more intense, like "super powers" because they were coming from that "low" condition, you know what I'm saying. During my current streak, I've definitely experienced moments like this: More energy, more confidence, less social anxiety, better tolerance for adversion etc. But now I don't have any more of that. I haven't had for 3 days. Probably the way we feel now is how we are supposed to feel? Our normal current self? I don't read about benefits anymore. Porn is poison and we must stay away from it no matter what. No matter how I feel, I am not going back to porn. I have never been obsessed with "90 days" because it doesn't really mean anything, my aim is to stay away from porn for life. People talk about "this is how you are supposed to feel after 90 days". I don't know, I'm not there yet but you see, I've read someone saying that after about 200 days or so he had no more anxiety and my streak was like 2 days and I said: "Fuck, man! 200 days is too far away from now! How the fuck am I supposed to make it to 200 days when I can't even go a week?" To be honest, 90 days for me right now is a lot. It means 66 more days to go (I'm waiting for 666), and it's scary. One day at a time is a better trick for now.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #572 on: August 15, 2019, 05:42:44 PM »
Thanks a lot guys!  :)

I know you know it, but it can be good to hear someone else say it: it is definitely worth it!

You are right, your encouragement really helps and of course the journey is totally worth it. I am happy to announce...

77 days

After going down, the rollercoaster went up a bit again and I had really great moments at work where I felt really confident. I doubt others even notice the difference, but I do have a clearer voice and notice this myself while speaking. It's not like moments of insecurities vanish completely, but they are less present and I am not thinking the whole time about what others might think of me. The further away I am from porn, the less I feel the need to hide. There is still a long way ahead to overcome shame, but I am on the right track.

Lero

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #573 on: August 15, 2019, 06:09:55 PM »
Fucking great, Achille! 80 days are just around the corner! About the voice, it happened to me too. I have a deeper voice and it sounds better.

rob24

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #574 on: August 15, 2019, 07:04:35 PM »
The idea of not having superpowers and just discovering your normal self, flawed and human and imperfect, is one that at times seems daunting. Still, when I consider the alternative, living in a virtual reality world like a person trapped in a virtual reality mask, imagining himself having 1000 playmates in a harem, versus a person who actually goes out and experiences the world, it makes me filled with sadness and sorriness for my old self who watched porn so much. I expect to pick back up, in many ways, to the place I was in emotionally around when I was an adolescent or teenager, when I started with PMO. I don't regard myself as having had great emotional intelligence at that age by any means, and I think there is still so much to do. It fills me with optimism though, that there must be so much room to improve if there's a part of my brain still stuck, at least in experience, in that adolescent stage of insecurity and unpreparedness. I think of it like there's so much potential, like a great machine that will take years to become operational, but will be able to fly to the moon and beyond in time.

Here's another analogy. Imagine you're a weightlifter who tried to gain muscle mass, but ate fatty food for years, and added tons of fat instead of muscle, mistaking flab for muscle, and only much later in time, discovered that true gains are made through a harder work and eating the right, healthy food, but that they will lead to steady, true gains, no matter how snailishly slow they may seem. The consistency and perseverance to generate excitement at the slightest sign of progress as such needs to be in your mindset, I'm convinced, to succeed and have a growth mindset in this area.

That's been my mindset I try to keep to have days themselves, devoid of instant gratification, not feel boring. Perhaps you can relate? Are there any strategies or tools we can use to make our progress more measurable and visible and exciting and quantifiable on a daily basis?