Author Topic: Free At Last (Read 52873 times)

PornHealth · « **Reply #425 on:** May 01, 2019, 09:39:42 AM »

One thing you might try is to stop counting days and simply putting your journal whether or not you did your active recovery steps for the day such as, exercise, meditation, forgo any binge foods like ice cream and potato chips that feed into dopamine dominance that also is Similar brain mechanism as porn. I A similar brain mechanism as porn. I find it by simply asking myself every day if I’m doing my active recovery measures gets me further along than just counting the days free of porn. find it by simply asking myself every day if I’m doing my active recovery measures gets me further along than just counting the days free of porn. For me and important active recovery measure is journaling here every day and replying to a few other guys journals. It helps me keep in focus of why am doing this anyway. For me it’s about restoring my organic sexuality and I have my organic natural urges and desires expressed with human females rather than pixelated shadows of them.

achilles heel · « **Reply #426 on:** May 05, 2019, 12:37:48 PM »

Thank you! Yes, I am doing both: Counting days because I know that I have some reocurring patterns at certain stages of reboot. That way I can prepare myself for incoming depression around the three week mark for example. Due to my various failures I have experienced those patterns and make use of them and also have the motivation of seeing progress due to the number of days. On the other hand I am using a sheet for my daily and weekly tasks to not only avoid porn but advance as a whole.

14 days

Two weeks complete and I could be happy, but last night I wanted to go out without drinking and ended up really drunk. I have to take care of my drinking habits too. Apart from that I am doing well and need to be careful because the next week will be tough. I will go to the gym more often to return home exhausted and fall asleep immediately, this helps to avoid cravings.

achilles heel · « **Reply #427 on:** May 07, 2019, 10:14:30 AM »

16 days

It's really going to be a tough week. Cravings increase and I tend to have a negative overall mindset. This part of reboot requires to just push through the following days and especially the weekend.

achilles heel · « **Reply #428 on:** May 10, 2019, 05:57:35 AM »

19 days

19 days no porn, no porn subs, no masturbation - huge success already. Lately I am very busy, working overtime and doing lots of sports. I go to bed early and fall asleep immediately, so I didn't have any real trouble so far. Now weekend is coming and I have to prepare myself to get past the 3-weeks-mark.

achilles heel · « **Reply #429 on:** May 11, 2019, 03:45:05 AM »

20 days

Saturday morning, all hell broke lose last night. The third weekend is always the toughest, this time cravings increased to a level that I couldn't sleep. Negative thoughts surround me, this is the moment where I have to remind myself that I want to quit forever. The little voice in my head is asking me "Do you really want to feel like this for the rest of your life?" and I need to calm down because I know this will pass without relapsing.

I will turn today into the most productive day ever, keeping myself busy. Buy fresh fruits and vegetables, cook for some days in advance, buy new clothes, clean the house, get all tasks done and not drink alcohol at night.

These days also need to be motivation to never go back to porn: I know that the as soon as I enter the second month things will get easier and I surely never want to go through the first month of quitting again.

Yes, daily and weekly tasks are important, but this week and next week are only about somehow making it out of this addiction. Willpower is important, but I need heavy restrictions to help me, because if it was only about willpower I wouldn't be writing this journal about quitting porn addiction for over 3 years now.

achilles heel · « **Reply #430 on:** May 12, 2019, 07:10:02 AM »

21 days

I don't know how, but I made it through another difficult day - that's all that counts for now.

achilles heel · « **Reply #431 on:** May 28, 2019, 10:22:35 PM »

Quote from: achilles heel on May 12, 2019, 07:10:02 AM

21 days

I don't know how, but I made it through another difficult day - that's all that counts for now.

That day was incredibly hard und I relapsed one or two days later. The last two weeks have been a big setback, now I need to get out of the abyss again.

Today is a new beginning, I will prepare my journey. I have to find a rule for my cell phone, to completely leave it outside the house - that's the only way that worked for me.

There is no way to do this by willpower and discipline, I am heavily addicted and self control will fail sooner or later. I already know it but tend to underestimate the danger as soon as I've got some initial success.

I've written that many times, but the key has been there before: Get out the phone! It's a necessary change and I feel ready for it now, despite hundreds of relapses I just won't give up - I still believe in success and will start again with day 1 today!

Do or die · « **Reply #432 on:** May 28, 2019, 10:34:00 PM »

Quote from: achilles heel on April 21, 2019, 12:13:43 PM

0 days

While lately I didn't have any major relapses I now fell back into the porn trap at an almost daily basis for over a week. Went through all categories again, feel like shit, feel the desperate need to change things and at the same time reflect on WHAT to do to finally break free.

I started this journal three years ago and really advanced in many ways, but it's really frustrating to put lots of effort into this struggle, make it 20, 30 or 50 days without porn and then return to the starting point again.

My first goal is to make it without porn until tomorrow. No big goals in the beginning, just step by step out of the abyss again. Then I need to develop long term strategies, maybe even consider professional help although it's a very big step for me to come out with this struggle in real life.

Time to take this serious again, to look ahead, to regain belief in being able to overcome this addiction! I know I can make it!

i also related to this. I relapsed after 7 to 8 days after 20-25 days

achilles heel · « **Reply #433 on:** June 01, 2019, 03:52:02 AM »

1 day

Relapsed again after my last entry and made a decision to take one day to prepare better for the upcoming journey. I can't just start again and expect better results.

- I deleted all data on my old cell phone and got a new one which I won't take home. I know it's an additional barrier to have a "clean", new phone (despite leaving it in my car anyway). I also reactivate an additional "dumb" phone to have at home for emergency calls.
- Social media is limited to an absolute minimum, I just have the time to check for messages once a week for 5 minutes (just in case someone writes who doesn't have my phone number)
- Internet use on my computer is strictly limited again

Apart from that I am just rearranging furniture, will use an alarm clock with music again because of not having the phone at home, get the household done and will make detailed plans on my everyday life to help me get through the difficult changes. I hope to have the feeling of making a new start because the constant failures damaged my belief in overcoming this addiction.

I learned again that only hard mode will help - no masturbation, no porn subs, no porn allowed. Only contact with real girls, not those on a screen.

I do feel guilty for not having made the neccessary sacrifices before, I know about the struggle with my cell phone and still was too lazy to make this important change. But if this really is the number one goal in my life - and it IS! - it's not a big deal to leave my cell phone out of my home!

Basically there is nothing new to this new beginning, except that so far I made serious efforts to change things and go a different way. I will now have to prove to myself that a real new beginning is possible and to overcome this addiction. I can't just take my phone home after 30 days (if I make it that far in first place) and underestimate the danger. But before talking about 30 days, I will try to make it this weekend without porn - would be a good start.

achilles heel · « **Reply #434 on:** June 02, 2019, 05:22:47 AM »

2 days

I am extremely productive, my home is cleaner than ever before and I eat well and do sports. Almost finished a whole book yet and started to make music again. It's incredible how much time I actually have now that there is no cell phone at home and internet use is limited to one hour every day (with few exceptions such as RebootNation or pages I need for work). Going cold turkey on everything at once is dangerous, I know. Still I made a decision to cut out alcohol, fast food and sugar and exercise every day. I won't keep this additional changes forever, but at least for the first week to give myself the impression of a new beginning and regain motivation and belief in success.

achilles heel · « **Reply #435 on:** June 04, 2019, 12:54:52 PM »

4 days

High stress level through work at the moment, abscense of cell phone, WhatsApp and social media bears loneliness at home. I realize how much time I've got without those frequent distractions and I think a lot about this "new" challenge. I need to focus on my goals and just keep the initial motivation high. It's also a question of restrictions and not allowing myself exceptions. My cell phone stays out of my home and I will keep it that way even if I further succeed.

Getting rid of porn is my priority in life for half a decade now and I still didn't make it. The sacrifice is communication while being at home. I already knew that before and it works! I made it to 40/50 days without a cell phone and I never managed to just leave my cell phone at home without using it or taking it to the bedroom sooner or later. I relapsed every single time.

Not anymore. I can't allow myself any form of porn or masturbation any longer. Every time that I allowed myself to M because of the pressure things got worse afterwards and the chaser effect drove me closer to porn.

There must not be a single glimpse at porn subs such as bikini pics in sports newspapers, they only increase cravings. I must prepare for the time around week 3-4 when cravings increase to an almost unbearable level and depression hit.

I already know all that and still relapsed many times. This time I have to change some things, because doing the same over and over again doesn't bring any new results.

This is an addiction, it's not about self control because if I had self control I wouldn't be writing a journal of hundreds of entries that always ended in failure. I am an addict and need to change my enviroment to make sure I will stay away from porn and all its substitutes.

Advancing in days clean I was capable of M'ing to YouTube videos for hours, to relapse on picture galleries of sports newspapers, to browse through Facebook friends suggestions until seeing fake profiles of girls with semi-nudes - when starving on porn I will be vulnerable to any sexual content and need to push through the first weeks and months.

This time I will make it because I am not allowing a single exception, taking this task serious and keep journaling about my progress.

The failures are in the past and were part of a learning process. I need to regain belief in finally succeeding and every new day is a proof that I can and will make it.

achilles heel · « **Reply #436 on:** June 05, 2019, 03:47:20 PM »

5 days

I'm doing very well, still very productive and following my plans. I want to succeed! I want to overcome this addiction!

achilles heel · « **Reply #437 on:** June 07, 2019, 01:10:48 PM »

7 days

A week without porn is a week of success!

I have been very productive and completed my tasks and plans: No alcohol, no sugar, no fast food, eat healthy, sports almost every day, read a lot, make music again. As I eliminated social media and my cell phone from home, I need fulfilling activities to fill the void. I do feel lonely sometimes and going to the gym helps me fall asleep. It's now important to keep this initial motivation and not become desperate as it will be harder every day now for the rest of the month.

But there is a simple conclusion: I am still here, still writing a journal, still having this one goal of succeeding. If I don't accept to suffer for a short amount of time, I will keep subtly suffering on long term. I won't allow exceptions, this is the only path to being who I want to be!

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #438 on:** June 07, 2019, 06:27:49 PM »

Hey, saw one of your comments in another journal, so I just wanted to send you some encouragement too. (And catch up a little on your story.)

Congrats on a week! All we can do is go day by day, and you've gotten that right seven times in a row. Cheering you on for number 8!

achilles heel · « **Reply #439 on:** June 08, 2019, 01:08:18 PM »

Thanks a lot, BlueHeronFan!

8 days

Toughest day so far as I've got lots of free time and the date I'd have had later got cancelled. Bought lots of fruits and vegetables and prepared food in advance for the upcoming days, also completed almost all tasks at home. It's now important to keep this a day-by-day success story, my next goal is to reach tomorrow without relapsing and then complete this weekend. Still no exceptions allowed, still taking this as serious as possible.

achilles heel · « **Reply #440 on:** June 09, 2019, 03:27:21 AM »

9 days

One day away from a two digit number, next goal is to complete the weekend! Went out last night and decided not to drink, although it's a lot easier for me to socialize when drunk. I have advanced a lot in terms of social anxiety through the years, but there is still a lot of work to do. Forcing me out of my comfort zone and avoiding alcohol is definitely helpful and as a good side effect I feel a lot better waking up next day and am less likely to relapse.

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #441 on:** June 09, 2019, 05:38:34 AM »

Hey well done. Laying off the drink has definitely helpful to me! It's a trigger when I am drunk. Glad your social anxiety has improved.

achilles heel · « **Reply #442 on:** June 10, 2019, 04:20:50 AM »

Quote from: LeanAndBop on June 09, 2019, 05:38:34 AM

Hey well done. Laying off the drink has definitely helpful to me! It's a trigger when I am drunk. Glad your social anxiety has improved.

Thank you, LeanAndBop!

10 days

Made it through the weekend, now have a week with lots of work ahead, then enter the critical state. I have to remind myself that the first 10 days were "easy" compared to what's ahead now. The next 2-3 weeks may be hell at some point and I have to push through. I've been there many times, failed often, but also made it dozens of times past that point now. I've got all the experience to get past that point again and know that I just need to keep reboot as serious as I do now. My cell phone stays away from my home under any circumstances, social media restrictions stay the same and I will stick to my daily plans.

LeanAndBop · « **Reply #443 on:** June 10, 2019, 12:08:13 PM »

Hey achilles heel,
Well done on 10 days. I know you say you've failed many times before but this could be the time you push through. You can do it, it is 100% possible.
All the best, sending you peace and happiness.
Bop

blueRaccoon · « **Reply #444 on:** June 11, 2019, 08:28:45 AM »

Thanks for the words of wisdom on my post. I do not have much to say but I am sure looking forward to both of our progress. Stay strong, and push through the week ahead.

achilles heel · « **Reply #445 on:** June 11, 2019, 05:17:15 PM »

Thank you very much, guys! You really help me out a lot!

11 days

So far I stick to my plans and remind myself that quitting porn is my number one priority in life. I'm now entering the rollercoaster of emotions, change from happy to depression and self-doubts within minutes. I assumed the girl who cancelled our date on saturday was lying because she didn't want to see me. There was absolutely no reason, but I suddenly experience an unexplainable low of self-worth.

I am very vulnerable to rejection and my first reaction is to distance myself first as some weird kind of self protection. At least I am able to identify this behaviour and try to work on it. Porn is not the cause for underlying issues, but it definitely gets the worst out of me and keeps me down. The further away I am from consuming porn and the more I stick to my plans to become the person I want to be, the better I feel.

No, I am not the guy who spent the night watching seven hours of weird porn categories to appear tired and hungry at work. I am the guy who went to the gym, read a book and made music before going to bed early and getting up to prepare healthy food for a productive day at work. It's not hard to guess who's the guy who manages to hold eye contact with people around him and who's the guy trying to hide and sweating in public.

I no longer want to feel like I have to hide. I know who I want to be and what I have to do to look in the mirror with the feeling of making the best out of my life. This is just the beginning. I must, I can and I will succeed!

dusty · « **Reply #446 on:** June 12, 2019, 02:41:03 AM »

Hey Achilles, I followed your journal up in the past and I see that you're still so motivated. Respect!

I have a question for you. Do you see the difference between you as a person now and before starting the fight with PMO?

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your success

achilles heel · « **Reply #447 on:** June 12, 2019, 01:33:22 PM »

Quote from: dusty on June 12, 2019, 02:41:03 AM

Hey Achilles, I followed your journal up in the past and I see that you're still so motivated. Respect!

I have a question for you. Do you see the difference between you as a person now and before starting the fight with PMO?

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your success

Thank you, dusty!

Yes, there is a big difference. First of all I have answers to questions about where my life went wrong and that I actually suffer from something that thousands if not millions of other people can relate to.

I'm not a weird pervert for ending up in weird porn categories, but there is a scientific explanation to why I needed a bigger high and that I actually am addicted. It's easier to stop self-hatred and blaming myself after understanding what happened to my brain. I still feel regret on not discovering this problem earlier and about the hundreds of relapses throughout the journey - with all my knowledge I should be what I consider "free" by now, but I have to be patient and keep working on recovery.

I already advanced a lot in terms of streaks and had a glimpse at real freedom when experiencing how much better a real sex life feels after 2-3 months of abstinence from porn and how I opened up as a person step by step.

It does make a big difference living more days porn free than using. A single relapse is not as much of a setback as many days of porn binge in a row. I do notice the difference in my voice, my appearance, my self esteem, how comfortable I feel around people and in how attracted AND attractive I am to real women.

This journey with all its troubles and setbacks is definitely worth it and I feel like I never put as much effort in as this time, which is why I will succeed.

BlueHeronFan · « **Reply #448 on:** June 12, 2019, 06:37:44 PM »

That's an inspiring reflection: I'm really glad to read it!

Keep fighting the fight, man. Every day counts, and you're making progress. It's awesome to hear that you're putting in more effort now than ever before. I know my current progress here is because I finally said I was going to everything I ever tried that worked instead of just doing a few of them and giving up on them. It takes work to make lasting changes, but they become more routine as time goes on.

Cheering you on!

dusty · « **Reply #449 on:** June 13, 2019, 06:06:35 AM »

Quote from: achilles heel on June 12, 2019, 01:33:22 PM

Quote from: dusty on June 12, 2019, 02:41:03 AM
Hey Achilles, I followed your journal up in the past and I see that you're still so motivated. Respect!

I have a question for you. Do you see the difference between you as a person now and before starting the fight with PMO?

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for your success

Thank you, dusty!

Yes, there is a big difference. First of all I have answers to questions about where my life went wrong and that I actually suffer from something that thousands if not millions of other people can relate to.

I'm not a weird pervert for ending up in weird porn categories, but there is a scientific explanation to why I needed a bigger high and that I actually am addicted. It's easier to stop self-hatred and blaming myself after understanding what happened to my brain. I still feel regret on not discovering this problem earlier and about the hundreds of relapses throughout the journey - with all my knowledge I should be what I consider "free" by now, but I have to be patient and keep working on recovery.

I already advanced a lot in terms of streaks and had a glimpse at real freedom when experiencing how much better a real sex life feels after 2-3 months of abstinence from porn and how I opened up as a person step by step.

It does make a big difference living more days porn free than using. A single relapse is not as much of a setback as many days of porn binge in a row. I do notice the difference in my voice, my appearance, my self esteem, how comfortable I feel around people and in how attracted AND attractive I am to real women.

This journey with all its troubles and setbacks is definitely worth it and I feel like I never put as much effort in as this time, which is why I will succeed.

You don't even know how valuable it's for me. Thank you Achilles. I also noted many benefits during my best streak but when you're into PMO again you ignore them. I'm constantly trying to convince myself that porn is most natural thing in the world and even healthy. Looking for researches and so on, but anyway inside you know that it's just a crap, haha.