Author Topic: Free At Last  (Read 53212 times)

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #400 on: January 09, 2019, 09:02:38 PM »
25 days

Just woke up to a dream about relapsing, it's more than 4 months since I last watched porn, but the memories are still there and try to remind me of what I am 'missing'.

Good news is: I am going almost 4 weeks without any porn subs, sexting or masturbation - instead things are going good with the girl I am dating and the rewiring through real sex should even accelerate the progress of leaving porn behind.

The dream was a little reminder to me that I should be aware and don't be too confident now that things are going well. I certainly did well forgetting about my problem for a while, but almost two decades of porn won't be left behind in a few weeks or months.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #401 on: January 16, 2019, 09:41:24 AM »
31 days

Completed a month without porn, porn subs and masturbation - still rewiring with the girl I am dating and thus moving further away from my old habits. It's 4 1/2 months since I last watched a porn movie, which is maybe the longest abstinence from real porn ever. Deleting "toxic" contacts in terms of sexting from my phone did help a lot too. I'm on the right track for a while now and try to keep it that way.

Hablablos

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #402 on: January 16, 2019, 12:42:28 PM »
Hi achilles, you are doing great man. I admit, I envy you that you are holding really well. Other than that I wish that your date will end up well. You deserve it.  :)
"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new"

Learn from mistakes of others, life is too short to do them all by yourself

Porn addiction is the best thing that has happened to me

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #403 on: January 29, 2019, 06:11:31 AM »
44 days

Thank you, Hablablos! You are right, things are going well - but I feel like I need to work even harder now and not lower my guards. You've reached impressive streaks before and you will do again by consistency, just keep fighting!

Hablablos

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #404 on: February 01, 2019, 12:50:50 PM »
Quote
You are right, things are going well - but I feel like I need to work even harder now and not lower my guards.
I understand that, because brain can be very creative and persuasive. Which makes it harder. As you said you managed to hold on for more than 5 month. That's incredible.  ;) By the way, how's your date?  :)

Quote
You've reached impressive streaks before and you will do again by consistency, just keep fighting!
I know, but that was years ago. Literally. Since that I didn't managed to hold on for long. And that's been going for a long time.
Mostly because I was dealing with many things. Being without job, moving to another city, looking for a place to live, finding a job and not end up broke. Those things I managed to deal with. But not with porn. And yet I tried to do a lot of things in order to keep myself from it. :(
"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new"

Learn from mistakes of others, life is too short to do them all by yourself

Porn addiction is the best thing that has happened to me

Rakses

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #405 on: February 02, 2019, 04:17:53 AM »
Oh man i read your journal and im almost at tears. So much dedication, suffering, ups and downs, fighting. You deserve a beautiful life, sir.
It's unthinkable to me how much evil and badness is in this porn-related industry. From the youngest age our brains are wired to sex and money. You will never know how many wonderful human beings have been supressed by this addiction. Wish you best luck man.
I want to know the nature of my life.
For that i need to be sober, clean, clarified, perceptive.
All that is impossible unless i quit my addictions.
Szukalski said "Sexual energy is the one that make human being create. How i am suppose to create myself if i waste it on PMO. I have to stop.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #406 on: February 04, 2019, 07:25:06 AM »
50 days

50 days without masturbation, sexting or any other porn substitutes and exactly 5 months without real porn. Maybe there is finally light at the end of the tunnel, but years of constant setbacks made me cautious. I just try to stay on the right path, it definitely pays off in many ways!

Oh man i read your journal and im almost at tears. So much dedication, suffering, ups and downs, fighting. You deserve a beautiful life, sir.
It's unthinkable to me how much evil and badness is in this porn-related industry. From the youngest age our brains are wired to sex and money. You will never know how many wonderful human beings have been supressed by this addiction. Wish you best luck man.

Thank you so much for your words! :)

By the way, how's your date?  :)

Thank you for your constant support, Hablablos! Things with the girl shift more towards a friends with benefits direction, nothing serious, but that's because I don't want a relationship at the moment and I am honest about it.

Rakses

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #407 on: February 04, 2019, 08:25:02 AM »
Wow Emergency plan is nuts. I will steal it from you ! :D
I want to know the nature of my life.
For that i need to be sober, clean, clarified, perceptive.
All that is impossible unless i quit my addictions.
Szukalski said "Sexual energy is the one that make human being create. How i am suppose to create myself if i waste it on PMO. I have to stop.

Hablablos

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #408 on: February 08, 2019, 05:14:21 AM »
Quote
Thank you for your constant support, Hablablos!
I thank you for yours as well.
Quote
Things with the girl shift more towards a friends with benefits direction, nothing serious, but that's because I don't want a relationship at the moment and I am honest about it.
Mind if I ask why don't you want a relationship?
"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new"

Learn from mistakes of others, life is too short to do them all by yourself

Porn addiction is the best thing that has happened to me

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #409 on: February 10, 2019, 07:24:20 AM »
56 days

Tough weekend, sometimes I still dream about relapsing on porn - I have to be patient and keep walking on the right path. I also have to return to my healthy routines this week, have been rather lazy lately and didn't feel lots of motivation.

Mind if I ask why don't you want a relationship?

In terms of girls my early 30s are what my 20s should have been - for the first time I feel confident and still young enough to have fun and make experiences. When I was in my "prime" I had this addiction holding me back and missing lots of opportunities (at least that's what I feel). I don't feel like being in a serious relationship was the right thing for me now, first of all I need to figure out what I really want in life and therefore I need to put more distance between me and this addiction.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #410 on: February 17, 2019, 05:09:27 PM »
I relapsed, basically the whole weekend. I just did not take this serious at all after 2 months and already left my healthy routines behind for a while. No restrictions on my phone, got drunk and high and took my phone to bed. Right afterwards I felt like "How could I throw this all away?" and went right back to porn again. The downward spiral set in, self-hatred fueled another porn session and another one.

I remembered a part from the great book "The Slight Edge" that perfectly sums up my whole journal:

Quote
When   people   are   looking   down   the   barrel   of   failure   in   their   lives,   they   will do   whatever   it   takes   to   get   themselves   moving,   something,   anything,   to   start climbing   upward   toward   the   point   of   survival.   And   then,   once   they   get   to   the point   where   they’re   keeping   their   heads   above   water,   they   start   heading   back down   again.   

[...]

That’s   the   only   reason   our   lives   follow   that   roller   coaster.   It’s   that   simple. As   soon   as   we   get   away   from   failure   and   up   past   the   line   of   survival,   we   quit doing   the   things   that   got   us   there. You   know   what   that   means?   It   means   you   already   know   how   to   do everything   it   takes   to   make   you   an   outrageous   success.   That’s   how   you’ve survived   up   to   this   point.   And   if   you   can   survive,   then   you   can   succeed.   You don’t   need   to   do   some   brilliant,   impossible   thing.   You   don’t   need   to   learn some   insanely   difficult   skills,   or   have   some   genius-level   brainstorm   of   an innovative   idea.   All   you   have   to   do   is   keep   doing   the   things   that   got   you   this far.

[...]

During   those   times   when   I   was   slipping   from   survival   back   toward   failure, I   had   stopped   doing   those   simple   daily   disciplines.   That   was   the   reason—and the   only   reason—that   I   kept   slipping   back   into   failure.   I   was   making   little everyday   choices   that   seemed   harmless   and   innocent   enough,   but   without   my realizing   it   they   were   pulling   me   back   down   toward   failure.   That’s   why   my life   had   felt   like   that   agonizing   lament   from   The   Godfather,   Part   III,   when   the Al   Pacino   character   says,   “Just   when   I   thought   I   was   out,   they   pull   me   back in!”

There are tough times ahead again, but only because I didn't feel the need to maintain my achievements. It's a question of daily success and my goal is to make tomorrow a successfull day in terms of staying away from porn, porn subs, sexting and masturbation and instead start with regular, healthy routines again.

Hablablos

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #411 on: February 19, 2019, 09:19:09 AM »
Hello achilles,

sorry to hear about your relapse. Just remember that this relapse didn't destroy everything you did and your progress in other areas of your life. You'll get back to your healthy daily routines. Just be careful that you don't start with too many at once. Keep going man.
"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new"

Learn from mistakes of others, life is too short to do them all by yourself

Porn addiction is the best thing that has happened to me

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #412 on: February 24, 2019, 07:26:37 AM »
Hello achilles,

sorry to hear about your relapse. Just remember that this relapse didn't destroy everything you did and your progress in other areas of your life. You'll get back to your healthy daily routines. Just be careful that you don't start with too many at once. Keep going man.

Thank you very much! Made the first week, there is a tough time ahead now...

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #413 on: March 03, 2019, 12:58:35 PM »
Second week complete, keeping myself busy... I am happy with my life lately despite some obstacles!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #414 on: March 11, 2019, 09:13:16 AM »
Yesterday I completed the third week and try to keep myself busy and social. I barely get in trouble because I'm not home alone very much. Despite those heavy setbacks three weeks ago I feel I advanced a lot yet and still keep further advancing - I want to leave porn behind forever!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #415 on: March 17, 2019, 08:12:27 PM »
Four weeks done and I do feel some trouble, but feel like I can handle it... if I look at the last half year I am doing really well at all and have advanced a lot... those four weeks now don't seem like a huge success to me after having reached longer streaks lately, but it is a success!

It is so incredibly difficult with porn and porn subs all around to say 'No' every day again... even if there were some setbacks, I definitely live a more fulfilled life already...

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #416 on: April 04, 2019, 03:28:48 PM »
Four weeks done and I do feel some trouble, but feel like I can handle it... if I look at the last half year I am doing really well at all and have advanced a lot... those four weeks now don't seem like a huge success to me after having reached longer streaks lately, but it is a success!

It is so incredibly difficult with porn and porn subs all around to say 'No' every day again... even if there were some setbacks, I definitely live a more fulfilled life already...

I felt I can handle it, but of course I couldn't and being careless led to relapse. Good thing is: My relapses haven't escalated, on sunday I last looked at porn subs drunk in the morning (clicked through YouTube on my phone, because I already allowed myself to take my cell phone home and to bed and with YouTube installed - as I said, I just don't learn from my mistakes!)...

This is day 4 and I need to get back on track. I don't feel that self hatred anymore, because I didn't go down the abyss to hours and hours of porn. Still there have been some setbacks, but the important thing is to take this serious again and stick to restrictions and healthy habits.

Here I go again...

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #417 on: April 07, 2019, 12:41:46 PM »
The first week is complete, didn't drink alcohol this weekend and will continue avoiding it for at least the first month - hangover days always were those that led to relapses lately.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #418 on: April 21, 2019, 12:13:43 PM »
0 days

While lately I didn't have any major relapses I now fell back into the porn trap at an almost daily basis for over a week. Went through all categories again, feel like shit, feel the desperate need to change things and at the same time reflect on WHAT to do to finally break free.

I started this journal three years ago and really advanced in many ways, but it's really frustrating to put lots of effort into this struggle, make it 20, 30 or 50 days without porn and then return to the starting point again.

My first goal is to make it without porn until tomorrow. No big goals in the beginning, just step by step out of the abyss again. Then I need to develop long term strategies, maybe even consider professional help although it's a very big step for me to come out with this struggle in real life.

Time to take this serious again, to look ahead, to regain belief in being able to overcome this addiction! I know I can make it!

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #419 on: April 21, 2019, 04:30:16 PM »
Hey,
Just want to say that I wish you all the best. I can really relate. I've never made it to 50 days. That is amazing. But I've made it 3 weeks or so, only to slip back in. And once you start I think it can be easy to REALLY binge. But apparently a binge is as bad as doing it all the time, I read in 'your brain on porn'. It is easy to get stuck cause there is alot of novelty and it's easy to find! So there is so much to keep the user excited, I believe.
I'm focusing on small goals too.
I feel for you and its great that your back on it, trying to move on. You can do it!
All the best.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #420 on: April 23, 2019, 11:33:20 AM »
Thank you very much for your encouraging words, LeanAndBop!  :)

2 days

48 hours without another relapse is a success already after my horrible last week. I don't feel like talking about long term goals yet, it's a daily struggle and motivation is still high. I use certain restrictions and rules in my life, but I need to be careful not to drown myself in lots of life changing routines - this will backfire as always. First of all it's just about quitting porn and I will do anything to make it one more day clean until tomorrow.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #421 on: April 24, 2019, 12:35:55 PM »
3 days

Third day without porn. I have to inherit a new mindset, because after my latest streaks three days doesn't seem to be a big success. It definitely is a big success and I need to be more humble towards this addiction. It's a daily struggle and I now set my next partial goal to complete the rest of the week without porn.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #422 on: April 26, 2019, 09:08:47 AM »
5 days

I'm doing well. Decided to just stick with abstinence from porn for the beginning instead of trying to avoid sugar and alcohol, read 10 pages a day and try to change my life completely because it won't work... my new plan is to install healthy habits week after week and allow myself some excuses (not in term of porn, of course)... I need some balance, because my radical approach always gets me to the point where everything fails and I relapse on porn due to my negative mindset...

The only radical approach is total abstinence from porn, porn subs and masturbation - until now it lasted 5 days and I look forward to complete the first week.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #423 on: April 28, 2019, 02:20:05 PM »
7 days

Just completed the first week and it's time to reflect on new strategies for the future.

There are two possible points of view on my history fighting this addiction: On the one hand I must consider this journey of six years fighting porn addiction (the last three years with this journal) a huge failure. I said "Never again!" hundreds of times and still returned to porn again and again.

On the other hand I increased the number of days without porn significantly, there have been streaks of months without porn or porn subs and I have improved a lot. I discovered my triggers and weaknesses, neccessary restrictions and changes. How there are other problems that hold myself back from being who I want to be.

But the perfectionist approach of forcing myself to follow a clear plan of daily routines fails after a maximum of 2-3 months because I am getting tired. Doing sports 5 times a week, avoid sugar, fast food and alcohol and read/write every day leaves me with no energy at some point. I need to allow myself exceptions without falling back into the negative "I skipped routines yesterday, I might do so today!"-mindset that leads me to finally relapsing on porn.

Instead of forcing myself to follow the routines forever, I will just plan one week in advance. There need to be days of rest, I need to find a balance between daily routines and days of just doing nothing except drinking a beer with friends.

There is only one rule: No porn, no porn subs, no masturbation.

Everything else will be planned for one week and every sunday I will set up the plan for the following week. If I notice being exhausted I will decrease the amount of routines or set up days of rest.

The first week has been a week of recovery, allowing myself lots of rest while just staying abstinent and it worked fine. Tomorrow I will enter a week of sports and healthy nutrition.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #424 on: May 01, 2019, 09:31:18 AM »
10 days

10 days without porn! Yes, I've done it many times before, but nevertheless it's a success and I'm on the right track. I use a sheet for weekly and daily tasks now instead of trying to change everything once and for all.

The only thing I want and need to change once and for all is quitting porn and all its substitutes. I know that the further I advance in terms of a porn free streak, the less I feel the negative consequences of porn. I need to write it down - I don't want to use porn or any substitute ever again because:

 - There is no controlled use! There might be people who watch a porn movie of 5 minutes and finish to it, then stop for a week, but I have proven that whenever I start to watch porn or even YouTube videos of (half) naked girls, I won't stop for hours and if I stop I return the next day to continue. I then escalate into all kinds of porn because the initial kick isn't enough anymore. Nothing is ever enough! Even the thought of allowing myself just a glimpse at a picture to decrease my cravings will cause the opposite. Writing fantasies on chats is another porn substitute that I have to avoid completely. I'm a severe addict and need to avoid anything porn related forever, there is no exception.

 - While I didn't have 100% PIED I do have sexual problems due to the use of porn. I realized how during times of excessive porn use I had to fantasize during sex and didn't get as hard as during streaks of abstinence. I also notice how I need a lot more time to go again when using porn.

 - My biggest trouble is the social anxiety heavily related to my porn use. It got a lot better already, but after falling into the abyss of porn I carry around shame, guilt and self-hatred. I feel like everybody can see through me and get really nervous. At the worst stage I was sweating in random social situations and I don't want to return to that point ever again. My job requires speaking at meetings and I am happy to be able to do so now. The further I step away from porn, the easier it gets to speak in front of people and make eye contact.

 - Porn kills all my ambitions: I don't interact with anyone, instead stay inside the house and skip all my daily tasks. I skip meals, exercise and sleep, appear the next day at work unshaven and tired, feel weak and out of shape. There is not a single day that I used porn and didn't regret it afterwards.

 - Apart from my personal issues I don't want to support an industry of human trafficking and exploitation. Porn doesn't reflect my view on women or sex in any way and I am disgusted by the misogynic, violent and repulsive shit that I have seen during my life. I wish I could make things unseen, but instead it's my responsibility to not see any more and leave this episode of my life behind.

Well, there are many reasons and only one, hard way out - I will do anything to finally succed.