Author Topic: Free At Last  (Read 35363 times)

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #300 on: March 04, 2018, 03:16:02 AM »
Thank you very much for your support, William! It means a lot to me as I could make use of your thread in many ways. I hope to become the example you mention in a positive way and stop being the negative example of constant failures. It's been a while since I wrote as I didn't want to cry anymore about the struggle and have a more positive view on life here. Now I proudly announce to be at:

Day 40

My decision remains the same, this is the last take on this addiction and there is no turning back. I made it through the whole february without any porn or porn subs which is a huge success. It is possible to succeed and I will make it.

I feel like there are important steps in my life ahead and to make clear decisions, I need to get rid of this addiction first. There is no other option but freedom, a life with porn is not the life I want to live.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #301 on: March 09, 2018, 08:05:41 PM »
Day 45

Sounds like a little milestone here as I made it to half of the 90 days porn free, but it doesn't feel like it. There are self doubts arising as I felt nervous around people again in various situations lately and couldn't see the progress that I was expecting in terms of my social anxiety. Also I have to admit I broke my own rules in terms of my phone and put the dumb phone away to return to a smartphone at home during the last two days because I somehow felt in control again. My last relapse seems that far away that I don't feel the desperation I felt back then to change my whole life in order to achieve freedom.

It's necessary to interfere right here because I can spot a pattern when I look back at my latest big streak of 7 weeks:

Day 49

7 weeks done, currently I feel a lack of motivation and felt really uncomfortable around people today. Had some rather nervous reactions while interacting and was negatively surprised by myself.

This is what I wrote just one day before relapsing. Out of my desperation arose the thought of this being my definite last take on my addiction and my total conviction is leading me to think that it's impossible to relapse now because of my absolute will of not using again. It's a mistake because if this was a question of will power, I would be free already. I have to remind myself of the tricks this addiction plays on me and how I am not able to control it. If I don't return to my routine and stick to my rules, I will relapse again. 45 days is a good start, but I need to stop expecting miracles and instead work hard on myself and my personal progress. It's not a linear progress, but a progress with ups and downs that will finally lead to a happier life.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #302 on: May 14, 2018, 12:44:50 AM »
Day 0

I failed way before and said it was my last try, but as I drowned in porn again, it's time to get back here. I can not live with this addiction, I have to get a plan again. Just had a horrible binge and will write on this later or tomorrow.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #303 on: May 17, 2018, 12:47:33 AM »
Day 1

I realize how far I had come already now that I returned to more frequent porn use. After my last entry I binged again over night and currently I am struggling even with a few days porn free when before I rather easily made it to three weeks.

During the last days I suffered from uncontrolled sweating in random situations again, this was almost completely gone during my longer runs.

I need to develop strategies to face each and every stage of recovery. I am experienced enough and wrote down enough of the obstacles already to identify triggers and dangerous situations from far away.

The biggest problem remains that I tend to not care about this enough after 40+ days because I feel way better already. I stop taking precautions because I am convinced not to relapse anyway.

Well, for now it is just about making it through the first week including the weekend. Yesterday was a low point, I got up and now I have to walk and cravings are really strong.

I will not blame myself for the time lost or put myself under pressure. I just returned because I want to live my life porn free. This is about strategy and progress, there is a chance of getting clean and I will succeed!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #304 on: May 17, 2018, 11:35:59 PM »
Day 2

The first weekend is coming and I have to be very aware, the last binge sessions have been a real setback.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #305 on: May 19, 2018, 12:44:16 PM »
Day 3

I still didn't figure out new strategies as I feel I am running out of answers. Returning here is my emergency strategy and I hope to advance step by step again. Making it one week would be a success.

Putting myself under so much pressure to finally succeed last time wasn't helpful, I had advanced a lot during my frequent 20+ or even 40+ days streaks. Now I fell back to daily use five days in a row and feel increased cravings.

First goal is therefore to make it through the weekend and reach one week clean.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #306 on: May 20, 2018, 02:29:24 AM »
Day 4

A good start so far, I will develop strategies against relapsing with the knowledge of trying to quit for such a long time. First I have to pass the first week.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #307 on: July 22, 2018, 09:48:47 AM »
Day 0

A new journal didn't help either, it's day 0 again. I have hit rock bottom in terms of my overall life and received the advice to go search for professional help because of what's going on in my life. In terms of my family and my friends I am facing big, personal trouble without wanting to go into detail. I already returned to porn on a more frequent basis again and yesterday a discussion with the girl I was dating for a while now got completely out of hand and I just snapped. I didn't hit her, but behaved aggressive the way I spoke and in body language and as this happened for the second time, she decided to leave and cut contact. After drinking yesterday and watching porn all night long, today I had a mental breakdown and asked God for help because I felt like I didn't have the power to carry on. I am not religious at all, but I never felt this helpless in my life. There must be a higher power, something to guide me out of this miserable life I am living at the moment, because I myself failed to quit my addictions for years now and don't have any positive perspective at the moment.

Porn is not the single root to my problems, they are real. And it isn't the root to my behaviour either. But it is still my escape from reality and waking up from the porn binge I always realize how problems got even bigger. It is impossible to face the tasks I have to with porn in my life, there are no 90 days to freedom: It just has to stop right now.

jkkk

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #308 on: July 22, 2018, 05:12:20 PM »
Hey man,

Looks like you're at rock bottom. That's good. You can get a proper rebound from that rock now.

Don't hesitate. Install blockers - you can send me the password if you want. Write here daily. Read Williams' thread (in my . And the NoArousal thread - it's here:http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/forum/threads/the-no-arousal-method-celibacy-of-body-and-mind.14525/

Install an app called Reboot (it's on google play) and start using it.

Immerse yourself in not using porn. Only that. Only.

As regards other things in life - you might need help, yes. You need to take care of that, yes. But here, take care of NoPMO or rather NoArousal.

You'll be fine, mate :)

achilles heel

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Day 3
« Reply #309 on: July 25, 2018, 03:52:10 PM »
Thanks for your everlasting support, jkkk! And thanks for recommending the app, it is definitely helpful.

I am incredibly busy until sunday and come home late and tired every day, the first week will be rather easy. I use my free time developing strategies to be able to make it through the hard times starting at week 2.

achilles heel

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Day 4
« Reply #310 on: July 26, 2018, 05:19:02 PM »
Important lessons for myself:

- There are situations in life that seem to be unbearable. I can't sleep, my heart rate increases, I lose appetite and don't eat. I want to escape. Escaping into porn numbs the symptoms, but the problems are still there and the symptoms return. Twice as heavy. Enduring negative feelings makes me stronger, facing problems forces me to solve them.

- I have to stop expecting instant changes in life. There is hard work behind changes and I need patience until results show.

- I need to inherit that living without my dopamine fix is the only way that will lead me to be the person I want to look at in the mirror. No temporary craving should convince me otherwise.

jkkk

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #311 on: July 27, 2018, 02:46:20 AM »
Look - your body and mind reaction means that the reboot is working. It simply working and bearing fruit, your brain is reacting to be devoided of porn. Brilliant!

I help myself in these moments now by visualizing the screens for Gary Wilson's vids - where he explains how dopamine receptors work before, during and after using porn.

It is all biochemistry. If we realize that our reactions and behaviours are shaped so much due to biochemistry - shocking.

achilles heel

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Day 6
« Reply #312 on: July 28, 2018, 04:01:22 PM »
Thanks again, jkkk - thanks also for recommending the Reboot app. There is important and encouraging knowledge every day.

Today I read about how porn affects my relationship with women. Not that I wouldn't have heard of that, but the reminder was necessary and detailed. I tend to forget about the variety of negative effects porn has on my life, the app definitely helps out to build long term motivation!

jkkk

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #313 on: July 29, 2018, 04:00:38 PM »
It's very good, keep it in there and hang on, bro.

johnleesmith65

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #314 on: July 29, 2018, 10:24:10 PM »
Thanks jkkk
I also installed reboot app.
And best of luck heel.

Downfalls are part of recovery process.
Life time fight.
Life is tough.
Learn to live instead of numbing yourself by use of porn.

achilles heel

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Day 10
« Reply #315 on: August 01, 2018, 01:50:04 AM »
Thank you guys! It's 10 days since ground zero and I am working my way out step by step, implementing little, daily routines that make my life more fulfilled.

I'm not doing all at once and also learned not to expect any miraculous results. I'm still into lots of trouble, but can see solutions for the minor problems at least.

I have to change my habits to overcome my addiction and only by overcoming my addiction can I face the challenges of life which is not easy at all at the moment.

jkkk

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #316 on: August 01, 2018, 02:36:18 AM »
What do you think are the worst habits that can hamper your recovery?

johnleesmith65

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #317 on: August 01, 2018, 01:13:46 PM »
Yes porn is drug which keeps us away from reality of life.
You have to give up porn to face challenges of life.
Otherwise you will just remain numb.
Life is tough.
Learn to live instead of numbing yourself by use of porn.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #318 on: August 07, 2018, 03:45:59 PM »
Well, I relapsed on YouTube, this is stupid. I binged on YouTube videos of half naked girls for hours, because I got triggered by a thumbnail of a related video and fell into a hole of more related videos with more sexual content. I did not actively search for anything and neither went all the way to real porn, but of course this counts as a complete relapse and I just blocked YouTube completely for myself. This addiction is really powerful, the most important is now to get back on track immediately and keep walking as if nothing happened. I must not fall for the "You relapsed on porn subs, now allow yourself the full dose then start again" trick my brain will try to play.

I should not have browsed YouTube out of boredom at all and much less after two weeks into reboot. Huge mistake, have to learn from that.

jkkk

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #319 on: August 07, 2018, 04:30:54 PM »
Hey bro, wait a minute... don't be so harsh on yourself!

Man, to get where you got in the circumstances you have is a brilliant feat. It's simply a great success. Nothing can take it from you.

And I wouldn't call that a full-blown relapse. Yes, you erred, sure. Now you know where the error was, learn and go on.

Don't even think that it set you back. It's just the ugly addiction's head rearing its head, but you will be good.

johnleesmith65

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #320 on: August 07, 2018, 08:20:46 PM »
I feel you.
YouTube has lesbian kissing videos as well.
I did same on day 7, watched lot of videos.
But barely survived PMO
You can put on, restricted mode on YouTube to avoid triggers and getting into relapse mode.
And even if you relapsed, it is better than relapse on porn site.
Keep the filters.
Don’t be discouraged
Life is tough.
Learn to live instead of numbing yourself by use of porn.

achilles heel

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Day 3
« Reply #321 on: August 10, 2018, 05:26:45 AM »
Thank you so much, guys!

It's 3 days since the relapse and I maintained myself too busy to relapse again. I put restrictions on my computer and phone, although the app on the phone doesn't work 100%. It's simple: I completely exclude myself from YouTube and from 11pm on all internet activity is shut down, including WhatsApp. My browser on the phone is blocked all day, I installed apps for sports results and Wikipedia, but don't have the freedom to browse out of boredom.

I try to educate myself and replace my habits that don't make me happy.

To answer your questions about my worst habits, jkkk:

- Browsing Facebook, scrolling down the timeline without a purpose. Sooner or later sexual content would appear. I would sometimes discover fake profiles of hot girls, click on them out of curiosity and would keep browsing deeper and deeper into sexual content until a complete relapse.

- Same goes for YouTube or Google searches, even articles on news pages, just by related links I often end up watching porn again.

- Using WhatsApp at night, especially on the weekend and even worse when drunk will lead to sexting many times.

I try to replace the permanent internet and cell phone use by reading, learning and sports. Until now it works great, but there are these moments of boredom where the blocking apps help. Sure, I could make it around with some effort - but mostly it's the neccessary tap on the shoulder to remind me of who I want to be and what I want to do. And that's not looking at booty shaking vids on YouTube for hours, this is not the life I want to live.

achilles heel

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Day 0
« Reply #322 on: August 11, 2018, 03:04:58 AM »
So, I do have a new phone and will give away the old one. Yesterday at night I just decided to reactivate it just for the night to watch porn one last time before I definitely quit. It was the feeling of: "Well, this is my last chance, I don't have a streak to lose and will start again, but I need to get this last dose while I can. Tomorrow I will make a clean, new start forever."

Here I am, it felt so disappointing, but I am lucky I could make observations about myself:

The YouTube relapse last week induced the chaser effect and I could feel the rush as I returned to the first "real" porn. I clicked around and just noticed how the effect didn't last and I craved for something more extreme.

I already made clear during the last weeks to the girls I used to sext with that I don't want this anymore, yet yesterday I wrote one of them messages with the intentions of sexting. Her reply was something between anger and confusion, of course. This door is closed and I realized how ridiculous this is and how I need to take care about not letting my addicted brain do the talking.

After that I thought about visiting a cam girl page, where people can tip the girls and they will undress until doing more and more extreme things. Looking at the watch I realized it was 1 am already and I had skipped cooking, a healthy meal and going to the gym already. And I realized how I read about the small decisions that sum up to be my whole life. Like keep watching porn.

Within the binge I had a moment of realizing how this was actually no fun at all. It is spending energy and creativity to find a way to get a bigger temporary high. And I realized how much I got excited when watching the first porn scene again and how it already wasn't enough anymore. I just put the phone away, MO'd without porn and deleted all data.

It was a failure, but one that helped me. I start liking my life again due to the changes I made, due to the little habits I am implementing step by step. And I certainly like it more than porn, I feel good about realizing this within the binge, because normally I would have kept going until 6 am.

Hope this will be the key to a successful recovery.

Recovery Will Come

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #323 on: August 11, 2018, 09:08:12 AM »
Keep trucking!!! I made it to 64 days last year relasped and thats the farthest I have ever gotten and it was my first time creating an account and joining the forum to tell my story... This website definetly helps... Keep up the good work!!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #324 on: August 12, 2018, 05:04:59 AM »
Thanks a lot, Recovery Will Come!

Unfortunately the chaser effect combined with the free time on this weekend got me again, I relapsed again and will write down a detailed plan on how to reach my goals.

I need to stay calm and don't panic, this is a difficult phase.