Author Topic: Free At Last  (Read 29952 times)

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #300 on: March 04, 2018, 03:16:02 AM »
Thank you very much for your support, William! It means a lot to me as I could make use of your thread in many ways. I hope to become the example you mention in a positive way and stop being the negative example of constant failures. It's been a while since I wrote as I didn't want to cry anymore about the struggle and have a more positive view on life here. Now I proudly announce to be at:

Day 40

My decision remains the same, this is the last take on this addiction and there is no turning back. I made it through the whole february without any porn or porn subs which is a huge success. It is possible to succeed and I will make it.

I feel like there are important steps in my life ahead and to make clear decisions, I need to get rid of this addiction first. There is no other option but freedom, a life with porn is not the life I want to live.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #301 on: March 09, 2018, 08:05:41 PM »
Day 45

Sounds like a little milestone here as I made it to half of the 90 days porn free, but it doesn't feel like it. There are self doubts arising as I felt nervous around people again in various situations lately and couldn't see the progress that I was expecting in terms of my social anxiety. Also I have to admit I broke my own rules in terms of my phone and put the dumb phone away to return to a smartphone at home during the last two days because I somehow felt in control again. My last relapse seems that far away that I don't feel the desperation I felt back then to change my whole life in order to achieve freedom.

It's necessary to interfere right here because I can spot a pattern when I look back at my latest big streak of 7 weeks:

Day 49

7 weeks done, currently I feel a lack of motivation and felt really uncomfortable around people today. Had some rather nervous reactions while interacting and was negatively surprised by myself.

This is what I wrote just one day before relapsing. Out of my desperation arose the thought of this being my definite last take on my addiction and my total conviction is leading me to think that it's impossible to relapse now because of my absolute will of not using again. It's a mistake because if this was a question of will power, I would be free already. I have to remind myself of the tricks this addiction plays on me and how I am not able to control it. If I don't return to my routine and stick to my rules, I will relapse again. 45 days is a good start, but I need to stop expecting miracles and instead work hard on myself and my personal progress. It's not a linear progress, but a progress with ups and downs that will finally lead to a happier life.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #302 on: May 14, 2018, 12:44:50 AM »
Day 0

I failed way before and said it was my last try, but as I drowned in porn again, it's time to get back here. I can not live with this addiction, I have to get a plan again. Just had a horrible binge and will write on this later or tomorrow.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #303 on: May 17, 2018, 12:47:33 AM »
Day 1

I realize how far I had come already now that I returned to more frequent porn use. After my last entry I binged again over night and currently I am struggling even with a few days porn free when before I rather easily made it to three weeks.

During the last days I suffered from uncontrolled sweating in random situations again, this was almost completely gone during my longer runs.

I need to develop strategies to face each and every stage of recovery. I am experienced enough and wrote down enough of the obstacles already to identify triggers and dangerous situations from far away.

The biggest problem remains that I tend to not care about this enough after 40+ days because I feel way better already. I stop taking precautions because I am convinced not to relapse anyway.

Well, for now it is just about making it through the first week including the weekend. Yesterday was a low point, I got up and now I have to walk and cravings are really strong.

I will not blame myself for the time lost or put myself under pressure. I just returned because I want to live my life porn free. This is about strategy and progress, there is a chance of getting clean and I will succeed!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #304 on: May 17, 2018, 11:35:59 PM »
Day 2

The first weekend is coming and I have to be very aware, the last binge sessions have been a real setback.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #305 on: May 19, 2018, 12:44:16 PM »
Day 3

I still didn't figure out new strategies as I feel I am running out of answers. Returning here is my emergency strategy and I hope to advance step by step again. Making it one week would be a success.

Putting myself under so much pressure to finally succeed last time wasn't helpful, I had advanced a lot during my frequent 20+ or even 40+ days streaks. Now I fell back to daily use five days in a row and feel increased cravings.

First goal is therefore to make it through the weekend and reach one week clean.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #306 on: May 20, 2018, 02:29:24 AM »
Day 4

A good start so far, I will develop strategies against relapsing with the knowledge of trying to quit for such a long time. First I have to pass the first week.