Author Topic: Free At Last  (Read 84617 times)

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1540
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #700 on: January 02, 2020, 12:16:49 AM »
Good stuff, man! I'm really happy for you and all the good progress that you've been making!

Let's show this new year what's up!

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 749
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #701 on: January 02, 2020, 03:32:34 PM »
Day 25

Thank you very much, Blue and Freedom! Your support means a lot to me! :)

This rebooting nation website has helped open my eyes to the thousands of men who are experiencing recovery from PMO addiction daily, so y'all understand me and I can understand y'all - the frustrations, symptoms, the daily struggle. One day at a time, we can can recover from our addictions.

Exactly, without exaggeration I can say that this community has been kind of a lifesaver for me and I don't want to imagine where I was today without the great progress due to the constant fight against porn. We're going to make it and leave this behind!

Whenever I might doubt the way I just need to remind myself of today, because I felt an incredible level of energy. I am not sure I have ever been this long without any O at all, would have to look up this journal, but I am going complete hard mode and today was maybe my highest level of self-confidence, sports performance and productivity at work ever.

Until now I didn't experience any depression, but I am prepared for the rollercoaster to go down at any time. Taking my phone home yesterday was stupid and I didn't repeat the same mistake. It was okay to communicate, but it was too much of a risk.

I am very busy until saturday and then will check out the other journals here. Hope you are all doing well! Next goal: One more day without porn!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1540
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #702 on: January 03, 2020, 12:15:49 AM »
It's awesome that you're feeling confident and productive! You really are doing good stuff right now.

Keep going through the busy days, and keep being awesome!

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 749
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #703 on: January 03, 2020, 11:40:44 AM »
Day 26

Thank you once again, Blue!

Just my little, daily update - plans for the rest of the day: No porn!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1540
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #704 on: January 03, 2020, 07:00:35 PM »
Can't think of better plans! Carry on!

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 749
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #705 on: January 04, 2020, 05:31:57 PM »
Day 27

Thanks, Blue!

Very difficult day today, broke my restrictions, feel like I'm going to give in soon to the urges. I have to remind myself of the daily success. I know I can make it today and as today is almost over, I am setting a plan just for today and tomorrow: No porn!

As soon as I get back to work on monday, things will be a lot easier. It's the end of the month and it's just about making it through this weekend.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1540
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #706 on: January 04, 2020, 06:18:50 PM »
Definitely be careful!

Also, though, don't fall into the trap of thinking that your restrictions are just crumbling on their own or that relapse is inevitable. On some level, it's always a choice, and you have the power to turn the ship around at any moment if you want to. I was too slow turning it around last week, and I'm feeling the sting of it still.

Cravings can only hurt you if you let them. You're doing good work and good progress. Just assert your recovery brain and don't let your addicted brain plan your next relapse while your distracted.

You're right: it will blow over and get better. Hang in there!

Do or die

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1289
  • Personal Text
    Be rebooted and help others to do it.
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #707 on: January 05, 2020, 06:37:27 AM »
congratulations for such a great achievment
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 749
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #708 on: January 05, 2020, 04:57:56 PM »
Day 28

Thank you, guys!

Four weeks complete, but I can't handle cravings anymore. I'm feeling alone and isolated and took my cell phone home, binged on YouTube and it's a miracle I didn't relapse so far.

Despite feeling completely powerless I'm going to the gym now just to do something and distract myself.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1540
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #709 on: January 05, 2020, 07:25:49 PM »
Handle them for one more day! And then bargain again with your addiction tomorrow. When the cravings are really bad, that's when taking it one day at a time really becomes important. For me, cravings become unbearable when I think I have to put up with them forever. But I can usually find a way to deal with them just for today.

Going to the gym is a good plan to get outside, get out of your head, and work out some tension. Just be careful of triggers and cravings when you get back (there's something about going home from an outing that gets my relapse brain in full anticipation mode when things get rocky).

Stick to your restrictions! Find something pleasant to do (even like a funny movie or something). Remember that you're not alone! We're fighting the fight alongside you. You can do it for one more day!

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 749
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #710 on: January 06, 2020, 01:48:02 PM »
Day 29

Thanks a lot, Blue, I made it through the most difficult part and today I feel a lot better already. The weekend was my least productive during this reboot so far because I couldn't concentrate on reading or doing something creative. I made it 29 days hard mode and didn't even have any wet dreams so far, never went that long without any O.

Going to the gym saved me as I returned with more energy despite a really heavy workout, cravings also decreased, I left my phone in the car and went to bed immediately where I fell asleep after reading a few pages. Today I can say it was totally worth it as I am getting back in shape step by step and don't start at day 0 but at day 29. I totally lost my focus during the weekend and have to develop strategies to convince myself that urges will pass.

My brain goes into some kind of autopilot and really tortures me with the thought of "Either you give in now or this will become worse!", I can't concentrate on anything and feel no energy to do my daily tasks. The gym is actually the best way to deal with those feelings, because it's just physical exhaustion that gives me some natural pleasure, not much concentration needed.

Plan for the rest of today: No porn - instead I am preparing fresh vegetables, will go to the gym again and sleep early. I'm still wondering how I binged on YouTube without switching to porn subs, but I won't risk it again. I was playing with fire and hopefully learned my lesson.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1540
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #711 on: January 06, 2020, 05:54:25 PM »
That's awesome! Glad you made it through!

Brains do weird things when they want a fix. I remember much earlier in my recovery when I would be home alone and my brain would somehow convince me that porn was the only thing I could do. I would even have other ideas, but my brain somehow made those other activities seem impossible. Weird thoughts happen, recognize that they aren't you and let them go by.

Also, I laughed "No porn - instead I am preparing fresh vegetables." For some reason, it seemed really random but also exactly right. It's a great reminder that it's not just about quitting porn. It's about rebuilding a healthy, real life. Preparing fresh vegetables is exactly the right thing to do instead.

Keep it up! Here's to day 30!

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 749
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #712 on: January 07, 2020, 05:30:31 PM »
Day 30

Thanks, Blue, vegetables are definitely better than porn!  ;)

Just completed day 30, although my longest streak without any O is done because I woke up in the early morning to a wet dream. I'm feeling good, my social anxiety is at an all time low, currently I work a lot and do lots of sports because both activities keep me busy and distracted. At work I am involved in all kinds of projects and have major responsibility, I even plan on doing something on the weekend to have a schedule - at least for the next month. Apart from avoiding porn I am earning good money and due to sports I am getting back in shape. That's the best I can make of cold winter days while going through another tough reboot. My next goal is one more day without porn and the first month will be complete!

quitforeverthenwin2

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 514
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #713 on: January 07, 2020, 08:05:06 PM »
Man congrats!!!! Keep up the good work! Wet dream is a sign of progess imo and of course something we can't control. So cool how when we get the reboot working well so many other things seem to fall into place.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1540
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #714 on: January 07, 2020, 09:54:14 PM »
Awesome awesome awesome! Congrats on a month: that's really exciting, and you built it one day at a time.

Just keep chugging along day by day!

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 749
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #715 on: January 08, 2020, 05:47:06 PM »
Day 31

Thank you very much, guys! Just completed the first month and I'm still very busy!  :)

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1540
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #716 on: January 08, 2020, 08:52:16 PM »
Yes! That's still great news. Day 1 or Day 31, it's another whole day of your life without addiction. Keep it going for another day!

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 749
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #717 on: January 09, 2020, 12:11:21 PM »
Day 32

Thank you, Blue!  :)

Again no time for details, just my daily update about my goal for the day: No porn!

wecandoit

  • Guest
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #718 on: January 09, 2020, 03:19:18 PM »
Great, man! A month! This is good so far. You know how slow it seems to get a significant streak, that's why you have to treasure it and not lose it. The thought of going back to day 1 and sloooowly climb back to day 32 (which looks like decades) will definitely scare me enough. I don't know about you. I definitely don't want to lose my 15 days streak.

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1540
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #719 on: January 09, 2020, 07:40:18 PM »
Details or not, you made it through another day. That's the key detail.

Carry on!

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 749
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #720 on: January 10, 2020, 02:51:13 PM »
Day 33

Thank you very much, guys!

You are right, wecandoit, I thought the same about the latest streak and it's pure luck I didn't relapse last weekend. Now things are rather easy which is an important learning process: Not giving in at the worst stage will pay off! Cravings won't increase forever, they are like waves and they will appear again, but also disappear again.

As I already mentioned my social anxiety seems to be at an all time low. Speaking in smaller groups doesn't bother me and I become used to it due to work. Today I had a huge, personal victory that will seem such a small thing to anyone who doesn't know what I've been through as my major issue were spontaneous conversations especially with people I don't know.

In 2013 I was at the peak of my addiction and started sweating in social interactions of all kinds. Even going to the supermarket was causing trouble because when I was in line at the counter and had to pay I felt like everyone was looking at me. The small interaction of paying the cashier and making eye contact was enough to make me sweat.

Today I waited in line looking at the cashier, a young girl I consider even a little attractive. After greeting her and looking her in the eyes she commented on the products I bought, guessing what I was about to cook. Normally this would have caused lots of stress, but I just told her she was wrong and started explaining what I was going to prepare today and tomorrow. I had no trouble in holding eye contact and some random small talk following, it was a totally normal situation and I didn't feel any stress.

The further away I am from the shame, guilt and self-hatred after the porn binges, the better I feel about myself. There is no need to feel like hiding, I am actually doing well considering my work and my health. This is not placebo as I discovered many times and a huge motivation to keep going. I know there will be setbacks and I am not just cured, but this is getting better step by step! Therefore: One more day without porn!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1540
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #721 on: January 10, 2020, 06:18:58 PM »
This is a great report, man!

My whole life I have been nervous about going up to pay at grocery stores, restaurants, etc. I have definitely gotten better, but I know the feeling to some extent. I still really hate it when the cashier talks about what I'm buying, though, lol. So the fact that you took it in stride and made a little conversation out of it is a big deal even if it doesn't seem like one.

This is the stuff that's worth writing down and remembering. I was listening to a lecture series last year about addiction that said that addictions are formed by the learning mechanisms in our brains; they're just our brains learning the wrong thing. Healing from addiction means learning new triggers, cues, and responses. So really taking this good experience in can help solidify this new learning experience: being able to talk to cashiers without sweating is definitely worth giving up porn for.

Keep rocking it, and have a great weekend!

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 749
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #722 on: January 11, 2020, 01:32:21 PM »
Day 34

Thanks, Blue!  :)

Difficult day, I just stick to my restrictions and try to make it through today. No porn!

BlueHeronFan

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1540
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #723 on: January 11, 2020, 08:01:47 PM »
Difficult days happen, but knowing that doesn't make them less difficult. Sorry to hear today wasn't great. It's a good thing you're sticking with your restrictions and recognizing that a bad day is potentially a vulnerable day.

Just keep at it. Tomorrow is always a new day.

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 749
    • View Profile
Re: Free At Last
« Reply #724 on: January 12, 2020, 06:46:39 AM »
Day 35

Thank you, Blue!

Today started much better. Healthy breakfast, went to the gym, feel full of energy and no cravings so far.

I made an important observation concerning my nutrition: White bread is - at least in my case - causing tiredness and loss of energy after a while. And being tired makes me more vulnerable to relapse. Yesterday wasn't the first time it happened and I definitely need to keep paying attention to my nutrition. Cutting refined sugar was a big step forward, but there is more to improve.

Looking at the day counter it's five weeks without porn, porn subs and masturbation and I am really happy I could get back on track after the difficult time between september and december. In september I had reached 100 days clean, but the relapse right on day 100 should be a lesson to keep treating this addiction as serious as possible. The risk of falling back into the old behaviour is there and it took me three months to pull myself out of the abyss again. Every day clean is a victory and I am going for one more!