After over three years of keeping this journal and six years of trying to quit, I need to gain the belief of finally succeeding and deep down I notice how I'm still afraid of this challenge. There is a long way ahead and I guess it's best to not think about "forever", but to reach the next day and the next day and the next day while keeping efforts high.It's also important to not just count days, because I'm not looking forward to live free as soon as I reach X days - I need to make every day a good day, no matter if it's day 91 or 31.
Once again thank you very much for your support, guys!33 daysJust a little entry because I had a little emergency: A very real dream about porn. In my dream I checked a picture folder on my computer and discovered undeleted, old porn and started clicking out of curiosity. I tried to withstand the temptation, but started clicking through porn pics and gifs and got very aroused. Although it was just a dream today I felt that excitement and feel like I am really missing porn. Well, once again: If it was easy to quit, we'd all succeed instantly. I will keep myself extremely busy during the next days and hopefully create more and new memories to overwrite those recent flashbacks to not think about them.
Well done man. I would like to ask for an advice. Is it wise to use sexual enhancers (viagra) to get an erection during reboot?
Man, dreams are the craziest. I've had dreams mess me up for a day or two before with a fresh set of urges. Just keep doing what you've been doing though and don't let it get to you too much (easier said than done, I know). It used to be that porn dreams were like a guilty pleasure for me, but they have turned into downright nightmares lately. The last few I've had, I have just woken up in a panic before the dream gets anywhere to make sure it wasn't real. But you've got this! Here's hoping for sweeter dreams tonight!
My best strategy so far is to not let a dream or thought grow. I just shut it down immediately. During former reboots I'd often allow myself sexual fantasies, because as long as they were connected to a real girl and not porn related they wouldn't do harm, I thought.
It's too common, I think, to see people who want to get rid of porn but don't want to get rid of all their selfish sexual pleasures. Yeah, maybe fantasies are fun and less harmful than porn, but if they still fill the same slot of giving us our sexual "fix" they are still a tool of addiction.
Exactly, that's one of the changes I made in life. Saturdays and sundays always have been dangerous because I woke up without the pressure to leave the house to go to work. Now I don't let any sexual thought grow but immediately get up, go to the bath and get ready for the day.I also notice how all the former reboot attempts had a positive impact and step by step I have been filling my life with new tasks and habits that now really make me feel happy about my life and what I accomplish. Sometimes I tend to have a negative view thinking "What would have been possible in my life if I hadn't fallen for porn...", but instead I try to remind myself of how I am now responsible to build a positive now and a positive future.
Thanks a lot, BlueHeronFan, "ThankYou..." and Non-Dual Adventurer! 42 daysMaybe "nothing to celebrate" did sound too negative, but it wasn't meant like that. It's more a reminder to myself to not repeat the same mistakes as usual because as soon as I feel like I reached a bigger streak I usually become complacent or even "demanding" in terms of benefits."Hey, I made it six weeks without porn - now where is my new life?" - no, I am building that life step by step and I need to stick to my plans and tasks until they BECOME habits, which may take months or even years. Some things work well: I am reading a lot and get used to live without a cell phone at home. I avoid triggers and actually feel like I am making better use of my time online since there is a time restriction. Nutrition is a problem though, I returned to sugar and need to stop again.My main problem connected to porn has been social anxiety and socializing and I already made amazing progress before and advanced even further now. My "former self" tried to avoid conflicts, wasn't able to express discontent in a serious and assertive way and generally got hurt by criticism. The more I force myself to go through uncomfortable situations, the more I get used to them. I still get nervous sometimes, but it's a question of training. Years of porn (same with TV and video games) were negative training and an easy way to avoid pain or discomfort. Now I am training myself to accept criticism, express dicontent and live with the consequences.During the last weeks I faced several confrontations at work and in private life and I am growing stronger. Some people don't like me, others do. I still take rejection personal, but to a much lesser degree than before. If someone isn't doing their job well it's not my fault just because I tell them. I am responsible for important projects and although it would be great to be friends with all co-workers, it's impossible. Concerning personal life I received criticism by some girls concerning my behaviour and they are right. When I said I was having "bad luck" with girls it wasn't bad luck, but my own fault. This reboot is an opportunity to get rid of "toxic" contacts and also stop being a toxic contact to others, because I clearly maintained contact with some girls only for sex and treated them not very well apart from that.There is a long way ahead, but the last six weeks went in the right direction!