Author Topic: Free At Last  (Read 51662 times)

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #375 on: October 20, 2018, 03:37:14 AM »
46 days

Urges are increasing to a level that I enter the mindset of "If I don't relapse today, I will tomorrow - I can't resist forever.", but I know that this will pass with or without giving in. I won't give in now that I've come this far. Porn is not an option.

Hablablos

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #376 on: October 20, 2018, 05:49:11 AM »
Hold on mate, you have no reason to relapse. Just tell that mindset to fuck off.  :D
"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new"

Learn from mistakes of others, life is too short to do them all by yourself

Porn addiction is the best thing that has happened to me

jkkk

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #377 on: October 20, 2018, 05:12:33 PM »
No achilles, you will only relapse when you choose to. Remember.

Cut off your old self. "When the past calls, let it go on voicemail, it has nothing new to say."

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #378 on: October 21, 2018, 02:15:10 AM »
47 days

Thank you very much, guys, so far I am on track!  :)

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #379 on: October 22, 2018, 05:02:22 AM »
48 days

I failed big time in terms of my routines, lately I feel a lack of energy and I can hear that little voice inside my brain tell me "If you relapse, you will start rebooting with all the energy of the first week again! There are no more benefits to gain, just more cravings and less energy ahead."

The good thing is partial goal I set, because I feel like I am working towards a goal within reach, not something far away like 90 days. For now it is just 2 more days until 50 days - my biggest streak since 2016 - and I will ignore the voice and reach that goal. No healthy habits for today and tomorrow, I am on "vacation" and free from any tasks, no pressure and no guilt because of being lazy.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #380 on: October 23, 2018, 03:34:30 AM »
49 days

7 weeks complete! Last time I reached the 49 days was on january, 4th and I relapsed that day. It has been two years since I got beyond this point and I try to understand what happened lately when I relapsed around week 7. I read through my journal and recognize certain patterns, my reboots usually go like this:

Relapse: Total despair, feeling worthless, I need to turn my life around

Week 1: Over achieving all newly implemented routines, extreme motivation and confidence boost, social anxiety decreases significantly

Week 2-4: Superpowers vanish and depression sets in -> high probability of relapsing

Week 5-6: Smooth sailing, feeling rather good, no trouble -> low risk of relapsing

Week 7-8: It becomes hard to stick to the daily routines, cravings are high, social anxiety suddenly returns and my addicted brain tells me there are no more benefits ahead -> increased risk of relapsing

Month 3-4 (only been there ~5 times): "I've got this under control, won't relapse now that I've come this far..."

Well, I already discovered my perfectionist all or nothing approach as one of the obstacles. When hitting rock bottom and feeling the need to turn my life around at day 0 I want to do all at once: Sports, eat healthy, no sugar and fast food, read books, study, no video gaming, less social media, do "useful things" all the time. During the second month I notice how this doesn't work while working 8-9 hours a day and at some point I feel the lack of energy I experience at the moment.

Just as there is a pattern in my brain that tells me "You looked at porn for 5 minutes, now you might as well binge for hours", there is a pattern telling me "You skipped routines yesterday, it makes no difference if you skip them again today and tomorrow". I tend to feel bad about not following the life changing routines and at some point relapse on porn too, to start the circle again.

Once in a while I need some time to just be lazy and recharge batteries without feeling "guilty" and afterwards be vulnerable to return to porn. This time is now, I am still on vacation and as soon as reaching the partial goal of 50 days I will return to daily habits and set a new short term goal. No perfection, no changes for eternity, just step by step to leave the porn abyss further behind.

masstextingservice

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #381 on: October 23, 2018, 04:18:57 AM »
If you have a large audience to reach out to with SMS, organizing your database is the most important task. Segmentation plays an important role in marketing. Then you need to seek out a quality mass texting provider with a global reach and since it would be your first time, go for one with the lowest prices and maximum features.

masstextingservice

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #382 on: October 23, 2018, 04:20:33 AM »
If you have a large audience to reach out to with SMS, organizing your database is the most important task. Segmentation plays an important role in marketing. Then you need to seek out a quality mass texting provider with a global reach and since it would be your first time, go for one with the lowest prices and maximum features.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #383 on: October 24, 2018, 08:02:40 AM »
50 days

Another milestone, for the first time since 2016 I am 50 days porn free.

Next goal: 60 days!

After allowing myself some days of ice cream, fast food, video gaming and general lazyness it is time to return to restrictions. I will plan the next 10 days ahead in terms of daily habits and focus on the next partial goal.

Yes, somehow it might be better to think of being free forever instead of counting days - but so far for me it works way better to go step by step and work towards a goal within close reach. Two complete months without porn would be an incredible success and I am optimistic but remain aware of the ups and downs of this process.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #384 on: October 29, 2018, 01:05:10 PM »
55 days

Didn't manage to return to my healthy habits and it is hard to resist cravings lately. I'm lacking energy and don't get up to even do the daily tasks at home or cook in advance. I just can't find the switch to be at the energy level of the initial reboot stage again and feel like heading to a dead end road. This is putting my progress in danger because I can't see the benefits now. My addiction is trying to return through this backdoor and I am aware of this - still my only motivation right now is the thought of "I've come this far, I won't throw it away.".

The other voice is really strong at the moment telling me I should allow myself just some looks at the bikini girls in the sports newspaper, just that little controlled dose, nothing more. This voice is also telling me "You may resist cravings today, but they will be there tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and... you can't resist forever, why torture yourself?"

It is kind of weird to have this monologue going on in my brain, because sometimes I feel schizophrenic. I took my cell phone back home again because it seems ridiculous to hide it from myself. I already forgot about the desperation I suffered when relapsing the last time. Things are heading in a terribly wrong direction and I need to write this down honestly to make a choice.

As soon as I am drowning I feel the need to put all my effort in to rise and breathe, but as soon as I feel safe I lack the desperate need to keep advancing. There is a reason I have not overcome this addiction yet and it lies within that exact mindset.

Instead of planning anything in advance I set up a plan for just now. Despite not even having the power to get up from the sofa I will clean all the dishes and the kitchen, do the laundry, prepare fruits and vegetables for tomorrow and write down (on paper) all my open tasks for tomorrow (pay the bills, some phone calls), starting: Right now.

PeaceOfMind062012

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #385 on: October 30, 2018, 03:10:27 PM »
Hey Achilles! Sounds like you're doing great - except for those cravings and the voice of temptation. But the fact is - you've stayed away from it for that long, and that's fucking awesome!! Keep up the good work man! It ain't easy! I just sort feel like this thing will be there inside me forever, so I just tell that little voice something like "ok, I know I will relapse some other time in the future, but not today. For just today, I'm going to go out on a walk and clear my head". We're here with you man! Keep up the good work. A life without porn IS more worth it than a life where we are a slave to porn, although when we're craving it we forget that. But remember all the times where you felt so so so low after falling back into again, and give thanks for the fact that is mostly out of your life now, except for those cravings :)

All the best! Keep up the good work!!!!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #386 on: November 07, 2018, 03:22:43 PM »
64 (?) days

First: Thank you very much for your words, Peace, I am very happy to read from you again! :)

Well, I put a questionmark behind the number of days clean because by my own strict standards I would say I relapsed. On the other hand I know how I feel after a real relapse and I don't feel that guilt and shame. It felt like a little setback though afterwards.

Last weekend I got really, really drunk and when returning home I started texting a former "friend with benefit". She moved to another city half a year ago and we kept sexting once in a while. Messages turned into fantasies and dirty talk and she sent me a pic in her underwear. She went offline and I deleted the picture but edged afterwards. I then started to click through YouTube and ended up watching lingerie try on videos and related stuff. I MO'd afterwards to the thought of the girl and without a doubt reactivated my addiction pathways.

Next day I felt the cravings to go back to real porn and also had that little voice inside of me telling me "You need to reset your counter anyway, just give yourself that full pleasure and start the REAL streak at 0.". I immediately returned to the rule of not taking my cell phone home, entered complete hard mode and set myself on parole: The day count is a rather useless gimmick to motivate myself and I won't reset it if I stick to extreme restrictions from now on. Keeping my cell phone close is dangerous, especially when drunk. I've got a long way ahead, I need to unlearn my addictive behaviour and this will take time.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #387 on: November 09, 2018, 03:23:58 PM »
66 days

66 days porn free, 6 days hard mode - I try not te be angry at myself concerning that little setback last week. Instead I focus on the success of not going down that road to porn and binge for hours as I would have done normally. Still I have learned a lesson on cell phone use: I am not ready to be home alone with my phone! The further I advance, the less I remember how it felt to hit rock bottom and the less I care about restrictions. I must break this cycle and leave porn and all its substitutes behind.

Do or die

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #388 on: November 10, 2018, 10:28:59 AM »
congrats. its a big achivement. please also motivate other members
Its not about stopping. Its about to accept that you are stopped it.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #389 on: November 11, 2018, 05:58:15 AM »
Thanks, Do or die! :)

68 days

68 days porn free, 8 days hard mode

I admit that sometimes it feels frustrating to read life changing success stories where people opened up a business, learned an instrument or feel like their social anxiety is just gone because I managed none of it. Despite knowing better I somehow expect that abstinence from porn will turn my life around when only I can turn it around.

Years ago I left university without a degree but managed to find a well paid job that I don't really like anymore. During the last years I felt too old to start something new (I am 31 now), because there was too much fear of failure and leaving my safe environment behind.

Lately I noticed a change of mind and now made my decision to take some major steps in 2019. I am unhappy with my personal life and apart from rebooting my brain I need to reboot my life as a whole. My whole life I preferred to not take risks to avoid failure, this is the key to my procrastination and also part of my addiction. This attitude will lead me to look back on a life of missed opportunities later and I need to change it. The first step is done as I am convinced of leaving the old behind - now I need to build the new step by step.

Hablablos

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #390 on: November 12, 2018, 03:59:11 AM »
Quote
Lately I noticed a change of mind and now made my decision to take some major steps in 2019. I am unhappy with my personal life and apart from rebooting my brain I need to reboot my life as a whole. My whole life I preferred to not take risks to avoid failure, this is the key to my procrastination and also part of my addiction. This attitude will lead me to look back on a life of missed opportunities later and I need to change it. The first step is done as I am convinced of leaving the old behind - now I need to build the new step by step.
That's the spirit!
"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new"

Learn from mistakes of others, life is too short to do them all by yourself

Porn addiction is the best thing that has happened to me

jkkk

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #391 on: November 14, 2018, 03:00:23 PM »


Lately I noticed a change of mind and now made my decision to take some major steps in 2019..

Don't wait till 2019, bro. Start today.

zander13

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #392 on: November 14, 2018, 03:06:10 PM »
I’m rooting for you man. Big fan of what you’re doing/sharing. Good luck with everything.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #393 on: November 15, 2018, 04:39:42 PM »
Thanks a lot, Hablablos, jkkk and zander! :)

72 days

72 days porn free, 12 days hard mode

I am very busy at the moment and as I leave my cell phone in my car after work the risk to relapse is almost none. Hope to write a bigger update next week, I am feeling good despite some porn-"flashbacks" in my mind that I have to shake off. This shows me reboot is working, I will starve this addiction!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #394 on: November 17, 2018, 07:33:21 AM »
74 days

After two weeks of hard mode I allow myself to keep counting this streak as a whole, because despite that little slip of YouTube videos and the short sexting episode without nudity, I don't feel any of that damage I normally experience after relapsing for hours on multiple hardcore porn categories, chat rooms and sexting. Instead I am proud that I have managed to say "No!" and stop before stepping into the abyss.

My social anxiety is heavily linked to the amount of shame I carry around after those episodes of binge for hours and I need to be patient. It tooks years to accumulate shame, guilt and self-hatred to a degree that it affected my social interaction, now it will take some time to feel free and for those memories to vanish. They won't disappear completely, but I am building a new life and new memories that are occupying the space in my memories where the disgusting things I've seen are still present.

Yesterday I managed to socialize in a way that comes close to how I want it to be - I know that there are ups and downs ahead, but I feel ready to socialize more and make the transition to a better life without my addiction.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #395 on: November 19, 2018, 02:21:43 PM »
76 days

Of course there are still ups and downs, but the best thing about longer streaks is the absence of those incredible lows around week 3. Relapsing means suffering twice: First I feel like shit the moment after relapsing. I am loaded with shame, guilt and self-hatred. I lose self-respect because I did something I didn't want to anymore. Then I suffer from withdrawals during reboot. I also barely can control myself in terms of cravings. Now I am calm and feeling rather good. It's time to remind myself of how I felt 56 days ago and looking at it now I can't really believe I wrote that:

20 days

Severe depression, can't sleep anymore, I feel lonely and powerless. Completely hopeless and no positive perspective on life whatsoever.
...
every negative thought hits me 100 times as hard.
...
Feel like crying, on a scale from 1-10 my current mood is a 0.
...
This is a little reminder to myself: If I make it past this point and feel better, this is part of reboot and the extreme negativity is part of withdrawals. It is very likely that it's like that and it's also possible that I might forget how bad I felt. I don't have time or energy to waste and start again, rebooting is my priority in life

This is what porn did to me. I am not like this, I am relaxed, I am worried sometimes but always with a general positive outlook on life. And I am still at the very beginning of quitting. It took me two years to reach the third month without porn again and now I have to be careful. No complacency, no unrealistic expectations on personality changes. There is no miracle to be expected, there is ups and downs ahead. But those are the ups and downs of life and I want to experience them with a clear mind, face the challenges and look in the mirror with pride of what I am instead of shame of what I hide.

Stiffy

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #396 on: November 19, 2018, 03:41:37 PM »
We had a similar streak going for a period of time if I remember correctly. I’m incredibly proud and this last update gives me hope. Hold onto this success man. I’ll serve as a reminder, it’s miserable down here in active use. You’re inspiring.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #397 on: November 23, 2018, 11:44:10 AM »
Thanks, stiffy!  :)

80 days

Another milestone, but I already had been further and still relapsed. I feel a big change yet because compared to the first weeks cravings really decreased a lot - awareness is very important now. This is still just the very beginning, there won't be miracles waiting, just a life without the chains of this addiction and that's my priority.

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #398 on: December 15, 2018, 07:00:06 AM »
1 day

So, thinking of this:

64 (?) days

...

Well, I put a questionmark behind the number of days clean because by my own strict standards I would say I relapsed. On the other hand I know how I feel after a real relapse and I don't feel that guilt and shame. It felt like a little setback though afterwards.

Last weekend I got really, really drunk and when returning home I started texting a former "friend with benefit". She moved to another city half a year ago and we kept sexting once in a while. Messages turned into fantasies and dirty talk and she sent me a pic in her underwear. She went offline and I deleted the picture but edged afterwards. I then started to click through YouTube and ended up watching lingerie try on videos and related stuff. I MO'd afterwards to the thought of the girl and without a doubt reactivated my addiction pathways.

This was already a relaspe. Yesterday I relapsed again on sexting and porn subs. I won't keep counting because of not having returned to "real porn", but still might point this out to myself: It's over 100 days since I last watched porn or visited any porn page in general!

Still I want to tell you about this relapse because it is ridiculous! I don't have YouTube or a browser on my phone anymore, but to look important things up, I got the innocent Wikipedia app. Yesterday I "found out" about all the articles about porn stars, some with rather explicit (but clothed) pictures and entered a binge mode while also returning to sexting with a girl which got out of control. This lasted for hours and definitely feels like a full relapse.

Now it is important to not increase the damage done: I need to be very careful and return to healthy habits that I let go long ago. The only solution is hard mode!

achilles heel

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Re: Free At Last
« Reply #399 on: December 31, 2018, 12:30:10 PM »
The day after my last entry I relapsed on sexting again, but since then remained free. During the last 4 months I didn't relapse on real porn, but still used porn subs / sexting on very few occasions. Since sexting is my last obstacle, I made a decision to delete those remaining contacts. I should add that since two weeks I am dating a girl and we both feel like things could get a bit more serious - that clearly influenced my decision to take that final step and delete some "friends with benefits". I came out to her about my porn addiction as she offered me to send me pics one night before we met. She wanted to know why I didn't want to see nudes or any sexual pics and understands and supports me.

I am really convinced to have completed the final step to leave this shit behind. This journal's first entry was 2 1/2 years ago and apart from desperately wanting to break free from this addiction I also think I "owe" this community to finally write a success story instead of just another failure. While I clearly can't promise success, I am looking forward to a happy 2019 without porn and wish you all the same!