Author Topic: My journal to recovery- Could use support  (Read 6305 times)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #350 on: October 01, 2019, 10:16:45 AM »
Just had an urge, good to post. A little bit insidious of an urge, those ones are tough. The emotions not being strong but just lack of awareness. Like "oh how about I just pmo". Before that the initial thought was so bizarre. I am reading this nice book which is good. The author talks about his blind friend and I thought like "man I couldn't imagine being blind?" "how would I read?" "It'd be scary... what would I do?" I guess I would just call escorts all the time...... urge begin. It's like the addiction wanted to find any rationalization for why these behaviors would be okay and that led to an urge.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #351 on: October 01, 2019, 11:28:21 AM »
Have first day of new (second) job today. Feeling fairly sick and tired. Was having urges, wanted to lay in bed and think about girls sexually to "recharge" what would have happened is I would have thought about girls possibly pmo fetishes almost certainly not slept. Instead I napped on couch quite a bit. Woke up really tired and body feels a bit weak, but I think this rest will pay off once I get moving again. It's a part time job so only a 4 hour shift... I should be okay. I did my run this am, so really if I could do that I can work. Had a great workout last night by the way, run was tough but man I am glad to be progressing on fitness. I think I need to remember to have veggies.... I am eating less empty calories and more protein but gotta remember the veggies and vitamins.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #352 on: October 01, 2019, 05:42:36 PM »
There isn't a lot of excitement in the daily grind of staying clean, but it's so important. All these little adjustments along the way (like improving your diet) count for a lot.

It sounds like you're being really honest with yourself, too, which is really important. It's so easy to convince ourselves that something triggering is "okay." Stay honest with yourself, and don't let those tricky little urges and rationalizations stick around.

Keep it going!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #353 on: October 01, 2019, 05:44:09 PM »
Man... another urge. Well thank god I am posting here. Desperation is causing urges. Feeling like I don't have many interests other then girls at the moment, talked to a girl and got turned down, then again and again. Third one got real annoyed and basically "decided" to pmo. Uggghhh. Okay. Just gotta delay a few min then go from there.


Edit: We posted at the same time! Thanks bro! Yes, I all the little things matter. A little confused at the moment, hopefully will write lengthier about my thoughts later on.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #354 on: October 01, 2019, 09:52:40 PM »
Man. Super strong urges. Consistently feeling on the edge of lapsing for 2 hours or so. Did some intense cardio, that helped.

Man, I might be soooo close to something good happening in my life.... maybe even tomorrow. Lapsing could fuck all that up. Maybe I'll meet my future wife, maybe I'll really get things going again at work, maybe I'll have another great workout.

I need to focus on the future and have hope. Haven't had much site of it. I feel like I have wasted a lot of time and am unhappy with underperforming in life, but still I am only 27, got a solid 2/3rds of my life left.

It'd be really awesome to make a lot of money. Have my own successful business. Have really great connections with real women. Be in great shape and feeling really good. And it'd be great to finally put these pmo fetishes behind me, they've had me feeling so bad so many times.

Alright guys, I am going to get into the nitty gritty of the low point I have been at in terms of this addiction and how this thing plays out.

I think something like I need to feel better or let me just give in to my pmo related fetishes... I'll call an escort and do xyz crazy pmo fetishes with her. I would look them up message them to set up appointments. 100% feeling I was going to meet, then would mo sometimes many times. Man would I feel shitty the next day.

It's so irrational.....

Do I want to do that dumbshit tonight, probably staying up half the night doing it, prolonging being sick, then having tomorrow likely being totally screwed?

I need to develop patience and stop acting so much on my damn emotions. I would like to be dating, but for me I need a rational plan. Like talk to a few girls a day no more no less. Not desperately seeking out a girl in like an hour (so irrational) then being frustrated and triggered. Stay consistent. It is proven if I talk to 5 girls a day (even very short convos asking for the time etc.) within say, two weeks I will have gone on at least a few dates. Keep that up and me and one of those girls'll hit it off. (I know maybe dating shouldn't be number 1 priority but I like this plan and seeing the light and the possibility for success really gonna help me stay off this pmo etc. isolated bullshit).

Anyways, patience patience patience. I have a feeling that tomorrow is going to be a really good day. I also need to look FORWARD only forward. Forward about one day at a time. Can't look at past failure or anything. Thats in the past.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #355 on: October 02, 2019, 08:54:04 AM »
Day 10  no pmo day 1 no fantasy.

Awesome! I am 99% sure that I didn't fantasize at all last night before falling asleep, I don't remember what happened before I fell asleep, I was reading with a candle I think I just remember blowing it out, next thing I know I am waking up in the morning feeling much better mentally.

I am definitely totally sick but man this addiction I think had almost everything to do with how I was feeling mentally (HORRIBLE). Now I am just like "meh, I feel kind of sick". I actually feel optimistic about the day. Taking it easy not working, because I am legit sick. But I am reminded there is a good amount of cool stuff I'd like to do. And that's key too... stuff I'd LIKE to do.


I saw a few articles about changing your language. Switching out "need to" "have to" to want to ect. stuff like that. So let me get started on it.

A) I want to find my journal or a new one so that I can write in it again.
B)I want to get started on a talk to 5 girls a day PROACTIVE program.  (will expand on)
C) I'd really like to clean up my apartment and organize it.
D) I'd like to have more of a mental workout program going.... I tend to enjoy and feel better when meditating and/or visualizing or even listening to recordings so I'd like to get started on this stuff again.
E) I really really want to have today be totally clean again of all the fantasy stuff.



Expanding:
B (girls) Talking to 5 girls a day may sound like a lot but it isn't really. I set the standard fairly low even 2-3 sentences back and forth counts, it's just getting it done. Sometimes you just end up hitting it off with a girl. This I will enjoy a lot more and get much better results then acting on emotions "Omg I need to date a girl now! I need to go try and meet some" then doing that one day nothing the next, lots of ups and downs. This way, it's just a routine not focused on results. Plus doing this consistently actually ups my confidence and lowers my anxiety, not just with women or dating, but in general.
E) I had some morning wood this morning, I had that in the early days but not since I was fantasizing about fetishes! Aside from all the emotional stuff that tells everything I need to know.... This was so incredibly difficult, very glad I got through it and very confident today will be far easier. Does not mean this'll be easy I still really want to stay vigilant and ready for urges BUT the cycle has been PMO/fetish fantasy for several days, strengthening urges, choosing to give in to the fantasy rather then get through the urges and it strengthening each day until a full on PMO lapse. So, I feel by getting through last night I broke that several day cycle and can now rebuild.


A few notes on last night:
I had to get out of the apartment that helped.
When the urge was very very intense and very much a physical sensation in my body... I luckily have a tiny fitness room in my building. I used one of those low impact cardio machine and went fast for a minute and pushed my self and sprinted for another minute, got a sweat going heart racing tired and everything. That lowered the urge a good bit. So keep that in mind for super strong urges. My theory was, exercise changes brain chemistry physiology etc. So I had this incredible urge and could feel it physically in my body I was like shaky heart racing, tension in throat etc. so I was like okay let's change my body/brain chemistry.

I also earlier in the urge read by candelight and turned off all lightbulbs, that seemed to lower it and I read by candlelight, wow that was relaxing, I also meditated a tiny bit by candleight. It was part of my "make my enviornment nice plan" and boy did it work. I am looking forward to making that a part of my routine from time to time. Laying on the couch reading by candleight under my new beautiful haning plant, wonderful!

I want to focus more like that because in my brain so much of what I do for myself starts turning into for girls. " I want to have lots of plants! I'll love my environment" Turns into throughts like "I bet girls will like this and I'll have a great time with a girl here". Same with the candle. But I decided to push that thought out and just enjoy the solitude. So looking forward to building this stuff up, all these nice actvities. I always knew I liked reading but by candlight with the plants is next level!

As a side note, in case any of you want tot try it, as a safety precaution I bought a little glass dish like thing to put the candle on and a little like centimeter of water in the dish, in case I fall asleep or something with it on (unlikely, but just in case)

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #356 on: October 02, 2019, 10:50:58 AM »
Think I should get out of apartment. There are things I want to do here like plan and clean, but having some urges. So I'll not be so hard on myself if I don't do every last thing I want, may do another alternate healthy activity like, yoga class or may go to the library. One of those two. Maybe yoga, haven't done it in awhile

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #357 on: October 02, 2019, 04:47:35 PM »
Just kind of checking in. Time to get out of the apartment. Also, stop being a perfectionist. Over thinking things.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #358 on: October 02, 2019, 07:01:32 PM »
Man, I might be soooo close to something good happening in my life.... maybe even tomorrow. Lapsing could fuck all that up. Maybe I'll meet my future wife, maybe I'll really get things going again at work, maybe I'll have another great workout.

I know this feeling. I don't when the things I want most in life are coming, but I realized that I wasn't living in a way that I would be ready for them when they come. If I'm in the middle of binge/relapse cycle and I meet my future wife, she'll probably just go right on by. A big motivation for me is just making sure I'm ready for stuff when it happens. Who knows if I'm actually ready, but I feel way readier now than I did a year ago. Stick with it: good things are definitely on their way (like you said, we still have a huge majority of our lives left ahead of us)!

Man. Super strong urges. Consistently feeling on the edge of lapsing for 2 hours or so. Did some intense cardio, that helped.

These strong urges were the defining feature of the early days of my latest streak. I had never experienced urges so strong and so constant. Some days, it took all my energy just to get through the day like an unproductive zombie. It took so much concentration and strength to get through the day clean. It's really awesome that you found that cardio helps. Stick with what works. And keep pushing past them. They will pass, and, over time, they will come back weaker and weaker. I still feel urges occasionally,  but they're nothing compared to what I felt early on. In a lot of ways, I feel like getting through these will be like getting through the worst of it. Now is not the time to cave.

You're doing great, and you have good plans. Stay strong and just focus on getting through one more day!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #359 on: October 02, 2019, 09:16:42 PM »
Thanks bro! You hit the nail on the head about being ready. That's what it's all about doing the stuff we can do to be ready for the opportunities when they come, that is very motivating. Sooo glad I got through last night! Also good perspective on how tough it can be, two days ago was so hard I almost felt entitled to an easy day yestarday and it was muchhhh tougher, I felt the same today entitled to an easy day. Today wasn't anywhere near as tough as those days but I am not entitled to anything..... it's as difficult as it is, I just have to get through it.

Glad to hear you went through the same and it got better, it also gives me perspective, having this addiction really will prevent me from performing at a super high level in any area of my life, so if temporarily I perform kind of shit in other areas, it's okay and still the best for the long term in all areas of my life.....

Also: You guys remember when I had my one lapse and decided just mo with no fetish fantasy is okay, and EVERYONE told me it's not? My dumbass didn't listen lol. Of course that 1000% lead to tons of awful relapses and my addiction clearly got stronger, the intensity and the urges. I can really see the difference, man if I thought urges were strong before...... Oh well lesson learned. Maybe I needed to experience that lesson first hand to really remember it forever.

Feeling pretty good at the moment, talked to 5 girls then talked to more, the more was actually not good as I started feeling desparate. Thats when it gets impulsive, I'll focus more on quality a bit tomorrow, being focused on my conversations connecting better. It felt good during the first 5, I was talking to girls for myself, not because I needed to date that girl now! Looking forward to creating more little goals for myself, I always feel good having this sort of thing, ads extra meaning and direction to life.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #360 on: October 03, 2019, 08:16:35 AM »
Day 11 no pmo day 2 no fet fant : ) (but still fantasizing about girls too much:/ ).

Imperfect evening, was on internet which kept me up and is triggering plus harms focus. Also was fantasizing about girls a bunch before I went to sleep (conciously) and in the morning. But at least it's progress broke the pmo fetish fantasy cycle. Still could do a lot better. Feeling kind of just meh this morning. Slightly confident slightly nervous more unmotivated. Not that bad all things considered.

Took of sick for a few days and nervous about going back to work, not feeling so confident about new job. Not sure if I want to do it, I go back and forth on it. It's a sales job so only make money if I sell. Has a lot of potential but you have to constantly take phone calls when you are busy and I hate that. I've done that in past, I want to be able to disconnect from technology and be present, this job can have you like constantly taking calls not having separation from work and life. I hate that.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #361 on: October 03, 2019, 05:26:17 PM »
Thanks bro! You hit the nail on the head about being ready. That's what it's all about doing the stuff we can do to be ready for the opportunities when they come, that is very motivating. Sooo glad I got through last night! Also good perspective on how tough it can be, two days ago was so hard I almost felt entitled to an easy day yestarday and it was muchhhh tougher, I felt the same today entitled to an easy day. Today wasn't anywhere near as tough as those days but I am not entitled to anything..... it's as difficult as it is, I just have to get through it.

Glad to hear you went through the same and it got better, it also gives me perspective, having this addiction really will prevent me from performing at a super high level in any area of my life, so if temporarily I perform kind of shit in other areas, it's okay and still the best for the long term in all areas of my life.....

Also: You guys remember when I had my one lapse and decided just mo with no fetish fantasy is okay, and EVERYONE told me it's not? My dumbass didn't listen lol. Of course that 1000% lead to tons of awful relapses and my addiction clearly got stronger, the intensity and the urges. I can really see the difference, man if I thought urges were strong before...... Oh well lesson learned. Maybe I needed to experience that lesson first hand to really remember it forever.

Feeling pretty good at the moment, talked to 5 girls then talked to more, the more was actually not good as I started feeling desparate. Thats when it gets impulsive, I'll focus more on quality a bit tomorrow, being focused on my conversations connecting better. It felt good during the first 5, I was talking to girls for myself, not because I needed to date that girl now! Looking forward to creating more little goals for myself, I always feel good having this sort of thing, ads extra meaning and direction to life.

Glad to hear you're still going along!

I think it's probably true that we have to experience things ourselves before they really sink in. Would it maybe have been better to just trust the people who said MO was off the table? Maybe, but now you really know it from experience, so now that advice is proven. You don't have to go back now because you know for yourself, and that's pretty powerful. Keep on going!

I also think a bigger focus on quality conversations is huge. Sure, you can just rack up conversations with girls and check the box,  but what's the goal? Talking to lots of girls or working on building the foundation for a meaningful connection? Slowing down and taking quality over quantity sounds like a great way to go.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #362 on: October 03, 2019, 06:00:15 PM »
Yeah, for me 5, may sound like a big number, but maybe only 2 turn into conversations... so that'd mean like two conversations a day maybe every few days one gets deep, but thats the aim.
More urges, wanted to write I am surprised but why should I be? That's just how it goes. Ate healthy but perhaps over ate, honsestly I want to eat more though....

I'd like to grab books from library and read the paper there, only an hour left. Laundry I'd like to have done today as well, really low in clothes. Hmm

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #363 on: October 03, 2019, 09:50:08 PM »
Just after my last post I fetish fantasized vividly and consciously but for literally perhaps 10 seconds total. Not even sure what stopped me (normally it goes on for literally hours) but nice I did.

Did my 5 convos with girls, prob did a few more then that on way home, ended up hanging out with a girl a bit, it was pretty nice. She is leaving tomorrow and then she turned down hanging out more, it was kind of sad when it ended but nice closure. Talked to another girl on way home. I had a bit of an urge as I entered my building but realizing how close I was to developing relationships with real women was very motivating....

This girl who physically I found quite attractive, I went up to talk to her, she was friendly and smiling pretty much right away. We talked, I got her to come look at this art gallery nearby, we talked on the way over, then I took her to a bookstore on the way to a nice view. I had a good time, but I was aware of trying not to invest too much, let her kind of chase me.

She had to leave to buy a phone. I was going to get an uber home, she was near me as I waited but kept being uniterested in my suggestions to hang out more, I then was like okay well, you have to get the phone..... and repeated that a few times and she left. We clearly enjoyed each others company and I was sad when she left....

My uber never came lol. And coincidentally the apple store was closed (she said). She came to find me. I was really happy to see her. I showed more interest now and told her I was sad she left. Then she seemed to become like 50% less interested on the spot lol. ( I thought her coming back meant we'd spend more time together I liked her too). Anyway we shared an uber and then after she basically was totally not down to do anything with me in terms of hanging out and she lost most interest.
Lesson there..... when I conciously let her invest in the conversation, she liked me, when I pushed her away at the end she came back,, then when I let my desire out and let her know I wanted her..... all interest gone lol.


Honestly..... I have had only a few real girlfriends.... BUT in the early stages I was 100% calculated. ( Edit: Not at all 100% calculated, I was mostly just enjoying our time but I very CONSCIOUSLY did things that I was not feeling at the time, showing disinterest when I was highly interest for example.)  It may not be the mainstream thing, like you have to be genuine to get a girl kind of deal but NOPE. My two real relationships and best girlfriends, were very hard to seduce and involved lots of me being tactical and purposely pushing them away a bit, showing disinterest at the right times etc. But then once our relationship solidified it was awesome and that was mostly unnecessary. Looking back, lately I have not done this with women, not gotten results and I know 100% had I not done that, the two girls I had real loving relationships with.... never would have been my girlfriends.


My first ever girlfriend, when I started talking to her, she was very cold and showing disinterest, I had been taught if she shows disinterest you show it, I acted super uninterested (I am cool, you're not cool vibe). Then was pretty douchey about inviting her to hang out. We hung out several times, then she was admit we'd just be friends, I kept trying then.... told her she was not my type, next time we hung out I showed zero romantic intent, at the end of it we just started making out.... and she became my girl friend. Manipulative? Maybe. But it was both of our best relationship and sexual experiences by miles at that point and we stayed in touch for years.

Good lesson for me, you can't just act on emotion, enjoy yourself and like the girl but use logic and willpower to control your actions in order to properly seduce a woman. Women NEED to chase a man to a certain extent. Especially now a days with social media, they get literally 100s of compliment messages a day, it means nothing to them, unless that guy is already her beloved respected boyfriend. So IMO I gotta be smart, seduce the girl properly get to that point then as her repested boyfriend she loves many girls will enjoy being desired by me.

Now this is by no means all or nothing. Well timed compliments can be great. I just have a very very friendly warm "I like you!" personality and demeanour in general and I really like women and get very attracted easily. So maybe it's all a balance... but for myself I am so far toward the "I like you" side of the scale to successfully seduce women all I need to do is focus on the push her away/ let her chase side of things as much as possible.


I love you! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :D :D :D 8) ::) 8) 8) 8) :( :( :( >:( >:( >:( >:( >:(.I hate you get away!
                  Me^                                   Ideal range ^              Offensive/scary
                                                           to incite female desire

So for me anything that moves me toward the right side of the scale improves my reactions from women. Done with social intelligence and low effort. It's not about insulting the girl just strategic shows of DISINTEREST. Disinterest not dislike.             
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 10:00:16 PM by Quitforeverthenwin »

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #364 on: October 03, 2019, 10:04:17 PM »
I reread my post and it has my excited, I had a nice pmo free streak going then and connecting with real women was sooo nice. And the way to do that for me has been to be in control of my sexuality and emotions.... don't go running around "omg I want something, I want a girl!". Be strategic and enjoy the process, the process of seduction inciting desire in the girl making HER excited about it, rather then chasing her to get her. Then it was so nice when we finally became intimate, it's not just the physical it's this cool process of things building and excitment.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #365 on: October 04, 2019, 08:55:29 AM »
Day 12 no pmo. Day 0 no fetish fantasy.

I want to get mad at myself, but I guess that won't help anything. I am taking the same actions pretty consistently.... surfing interenet, then fantasizing about pmo fetishes. Yestarday I just like felt like it was okay. I am getting complacent, I am forgetting how bad this fantasy is. The fantasy DOES increase my PIED. When I fantasize my dick does not work afterward. It's like watching porn just not as intense, but it keeps those fetishes and nueral pathways very much alive, and I'll never beat this if I don't cut that fantasy.

It's an excuse but being sick is not helping at all.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #366 on: October 04, 2019, 12:14:15 PM »
So, I talked to my first girl today, it didn't go too well. I said something friendly to her and she literally started yelling "I am so angry right now!" and all this shit. I guess she was saying she was mad at someone else but it was pretty rude and I got pretty annoyed. She was from some eastern European country. I am still pretty mad, but cool that it didn't create an urge in me.

1) This stuff happens, I have talked to maybe 16 girls in the last two days or more.... one of them was super rude angry and nasty. That's how things are, I work in sales too. You get good and bad, it's just statistics.
2) I'd like to get less annoyed in the future. What if I can simply take things less seriously? See her like a silly child? Be as unaffected by others anger and rudeness as possible? ( I was going to write "totally unaffected" but that's an unrealistic expectation imo) but I could certainly aim to change my perspective and handle this stuff better as much as possible.

I had a landlord, this really old lady. Who would yell and go on these rants. But I found it funny, I'd just let her yell herself out about whatever nonsense, then we'd have a nice conversation and she was nice. She was just a cranky a little cookie old lady. It didn't affect me at all. Plus I got a great deal on rent because 90% of people didn't want to deal with her, so it was under market rate lol. I'd like to aim to use that model to apply to more people.

Angry= Don't take people seriously, they are a bit of a joke. I am no ghandi, this is also kind of a good way to "get back at them" rather then me being all annoyed, which kind of gives them power. Me losing respect for them and not taking them seriously actually punishes them and they lose something for acting that way.

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #367 on: October 04, 2019, 06:39:58 PM »
Just tried to visualize and suddenly I got an incredibly strong urge. Like insane, a split second away to impulsively full on relapsing.

Okay, I already know this lesson. Meditation and visualization are great for me, but when done in the evening they often lead to urges and fetish fantasies popping into my head. When they don't it's often still not a quality visualization/meditation. Oh well, can restart that those habits tomorrow.

Man this urge is still incredibly strong, like holy shit. It was like I just decided to relapse 100%, the key I think is not trying to change the urge, just the action. It's still here and even as I posted I felt like I 100% WANTED to relapse no thought of even not doing it, but I was just like.... "okay I'll post first".

I am still kind of in that mindset, but a small part of me (the real part I think) is like "man.... I have been having better and better conversations with girls and even had a sort of mini date yestarday I literally am really close to connecting with women getting dates etc. possibly days away...... lapsing would kill that. It's like a self-sabotage.

Even writing that, the addiction in my brain still feels like I want to lapse. So I think all I can do is tell myself "wait 15 minutes" or maybe get work done first. And during that time let the mood change/ urge pass.

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #368 on: October 04, 2019, 07:54:43 PM »
You know, man, it's really awesome to see how conscious you have been about your thoughts/feelings/experiences. You're definitely not going through this part of your recovery journey on autopilot, and I think that will make a huge difference in the long run. You're tuned in, and it's paying off. Way to go on 12 days!

I'm also still just totally impressed by your talk to 5 girls goal. I feel like talking to 5 girls in a month would be incredible for me, lol, so you're really getting out there. And the fact that you're just making it a practice and not getting too invested in any one person is also good. Focus on the connection and see what happens.

There's probably a lot more I could/should comment on, but I mostly just want to congratulate you for staying committed to paying attention and using your journal as a place to check in regularly. Becoming more deliberate about your thoughts and attitudes will pay off (and already is if you found your fantasy fizzling out after a few seconds).

Keep it going!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #369 on: October 05, 2019, 07:07:06 AM »
Shoot. Lapsed. Not sure exactly how to quantify it. Googled grey area stuff, tons of fantasy and watched some porn, but did not masturbate. Slept about 2 hours, shit

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #370 on: October 05, 2019, 08:13:44 PM »
Darn. Sorry to hear it.

That grey area stuff is super tricky. It might seem like a bummer that you're resetting, but I think it shows your commitment to doing it right. (It might be a relapse, but it's not a disastrous relapse.)

Take some time to reflect on what went wrong, learn from your mistake, and make a new plan for moving forward. Make as many mistakes as you need to along the way as long as you only make each mistake once.

Tomorrow's a new day! Get some sleep and know that I'm still rooting for you!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #371 on: October 07, 2019, 07:53:16 AM »
Thanks man really appreciate the support.

Well, I took away the grey area and full on relapsed....

Well, the thing I learned is that this stuff really is internal. I basically decided to relapse, then I got home and saw on my phone I was invited to have dinner with friends, I thought awesome! But then soon after I got back I relapsed... it's like once the decision is made it was done.

I mo'd once more this morning.

I need to reflect a bit, in this current streak I was constantly thinking "I am going to do it" like I wasn't fully decided on quitting. Need to do more reflecting on how this is harming my life.

I also may need to change up my life a bit, I moved away from family about 8 months ago and if I am honest it has gone very badly, this has been worse, my habits haven't been good. Optimism is good, but perhaps if I see my change in lifestyle has led to increased difficulty I should take that into account

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #372 on: October 07, 2019, 09:09:00 PM »
The grey areas usually lead to a full relapse in my experience. Sorry to hear it happened, but it's all part of the process.

I definitely think some good reflection is the way to go. Think about what's really causing the relapses (what kind of pain are you trying to escape from?) and what kinds of triggers you are most vulnerable to.

It really is internal. Once you decide to relapse, it can be really hard not to. I know I have said before (maybe not here to you) that I always used to have a plan for my next relapse. After I got back on my feet, I almost always had a thing or two that I "forgot" to look up and had to see the next time I lapsed. Sure enough, those were always the first things I would type in whenever I binged: I could have seen the lapse coming from a mile away, but I always convinced myself that I was "on track."

I don't have a plan for my next relapse now, but it took me a long time to catch that pattern and give it up. Even if you're doing everything right, healing takes time. It's not just about doing the right things. You also just have to give it time.

Tomorrow's a new day. Give yourself the gift of some honest reflection and solid commitment. You're not the enemy of your own progress. You just need to learn a better way to take care of yourself.

Onward and upward!

Quitforeverthenwin

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #373 on: October 09, 2019, 08:55:06 PM »
Thanks bro! Funny my fantasizing definitely is "planning" for the next relapse, in addition to other things.

Day 2.

Started meditating again. I think this needs to be a PRIORITY. Odd how one forgets things, nearly all of my long streaks have had Meditation as the common thread. It's very important and not an option for me. Other things I "feel" more, like goal setting etc. I can feel very good and excited. Sometimes I don't like meditating sometimes I don't notice a difference, but it seems to control my downside, it gives me that extra 5% impulse control which is often the difference between lapsing and not.

Sometimes it's far cooler then that and I feel calmer and can enjoy things more. Just trying to stress, for myself, even when I feel like my meditation is going through a bad period and "not doing anything" it certainly is doing something even if I can't feel it.

Fairly good day today. Seeing psychologist tomorrow to get checked out... 

BlueHeronFan

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Re: My journal to recovery- Could use support
« Reply #374 on: October 10, 2019, 05:26:49 PM »
Good stuff. Meditation has been huge for me. I've been at it pretty close to daily for a few years, but it's just in the last several months that it has really become a powerful tool for me. It takes time.

Plus, I have really appreciated the way people talk about meditation as a practice. I don't have to "meditate" every day: I just have to "practice meditating" every day. Thinking about it as practice takes the pressure off and reminds me that, in meditation and other things, I don't have to do something perfectly every time for it to be worth doing. Just getting in the time to practice is valuable and will make me better and better at it over time.

So just keep practicing! And good luck with your psychologist. I hope you get some good support there!