Author Topic: All you have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to you - LOTR  (Read 842 times)

hopeful2

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Thanks squid. I actually felt good the next day, I just hate not having consistency.

Today is day 40. I saw a nude scene, I actually looked for it. But didn't m to it. It really didn't do anything for me. I even saw a hip hop video with a lot of provocative images. Again did nothing.

I went out for drinks with my friend though and I really got switched on. But nothing is gonna happen there, we like each other but we have very different values. But I can talk to her about PMO, she hates porn. It ruined her marriage and she finds it hard to date because so many guys watch it. She is happy that thanks to her I have quitting another shot.

Back to the hip hop video, all I could think was how gross the women looked. Very fake. I always knew I wasn't attracted to these kinds of women but I think porn messed me up. Now I see girls who look well dressed and put together and all I can think is how beautiful and lovely they look. And not in a overtly sexual way, more I can look up to them and admire them. And thats what I want, I want a woman who I can admire and can challenge me. Someone who will be a good mum. And if I want her to bring that to the table the least I can do is kick this habit. I do not want to bring that with me and defile my marriage.

The first time I sleep with my wife I want it to be love making and not just me satisfying myself. That's why I think that although porn is bad and jacking off is less so, I think jacking off is still a selfish act and doesn't teach you to be selfless. I think so anyway, if you disagree feel free to. I won't die on this hill.

Anyway back to how I'm feeling. Honestly I feel depressed again. I feel like I'm not really moving anywhere in life. Kinda stuck. I see how other guys are so proactive and I wonder what can I do. Hopefully it will.pass.

hopeful2

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Day 45 no porn. And one day no MO.

So what I have realised is that the MO is getting problematic. I fantasised yesterday while doing it, and it wasn't anything crazy. But it's becoming unhealthy, and I know where it is leading. I think it makes me sexualise things. Last week I deliberately looked for a film, and in it there's nudity and a woman gets raped in it. And I remember how I felt aroused when it happened, and I felt shame. I didn't want to mo after that. I saw something recently that said your brain requires a month's break for every year you watched porn, or something like that. If that's what it takes for me to become normal again then I'm gonna do it. I just wish my mind would stop sexualising things, I don't like being my own enemy.

Also I shouldn't stay in bed and should get up straight away, staying in bed just seems to let my thoughts stray in that direction.

I am feeling anxious at the moment about an exam coming up, I'm studying for it and my thoughts are racing towards PMO. I know why as well, that was my go to when I wanted to calm down. As I am writing this though I feel calmer, just speaking it out makes me feel better.

Something which is also bothering me and maybe leading me to feel the way I do. People say I'm handsome and in good shape, I am smart and considerate. But I don't see it, I don't know what they are seeing. I don't need validation from others, though I think I have a need to be liked by others. I think I have low self esteem, and I know having low self esteem while fighting an addiction is a bad recipe. But I don't know how to love myself. I sometimes think that maybe I'm in hell and being punished for something I once did. But why would I think that of myself? I have never murdered anyone, never caused anyone pain, so why do I think I'm so undeserving of love that I have to resort to this fleeting pleasure. I just don't believe in myself, but I keep fighting because maybe it will get better.

hopeful2

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Ok just jacked off and fantasised again. Nothing crazy but again I can't help it. I was watching a flipping lecture for God sake! I know I'm attracted to this friend but seriously I don't know why I can't stop.

zander13

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Yeah you're experiencing withdrawals my friend. Good luck and remember that they will end at some point.

hopeful2

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Really? It was insane. I didn't even want to watch P. And I didnt. Just kept on getting aroused.

hopeful2

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I relapsed, and I knew it was gonna happen. I was browsing a escort website which my filter wasn't blocking for some reason. I feel really alone and I don't feel any less alone. I'm going again, this time we are going to stop mo as well as PMO. They are both the same. I just wish it wasn't so hot out. This would be easier.

Sanders

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Hi,

Seems like you have a lot on your plate at the same time, sorry to hear about the relapse. You made it to 46 days which is a great accomplishment, 46-1 is a great score :) You wrote that you saw it coming, from the previous posts there was indeed a bit of a build-up. I hope you can analyse and found out what exactly caused the relapse and that you can prevent it in the future.

The loneliness and low self-esteem you describe must be hurtful and difficult to deal with. Stopping a habit that has numbed yourself for many years surely increases the severity of those negative feelings. I hope you can find positivity in your life and a refreshed sense of purpose. Decide what you want to do with the rest of your life, write it down on a paper and chase it! You've made it far, you can do it again and even further!

Good luck, I trust you'll make it!

hopeful2

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Hi Sanders,

Thanks for the reply. I am going to therapy to try and help with the low self esteem, I think I need to face my problems. I just don't know what they are.

My friend says keep busy, don't think about it. But I think the one thing I do love about myself is my mind, I enjoy thinking. I got drunk last night and sure it was a fun distraction, but it didn't change my feelings.

I can't run away from my problems anymore. That's what lockdown is doing. I always think that if I do one more thing, make one more change I will be happy. And I am lying to myself, because when happinness is dependant on things or people when those things are not there you are just left empty, a shell.

But you are right about the goal, I will write something down Sanders. And I am going to go after it.

Here is to 6 hours PMO free.


hopeful2

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Ok day 1 completed. It wasn't easy but it wasn't as hard as I thought.

I felt pretty easily aroused at most points in the day but I avoided touching anything or doing anything proactive. Just let it go.

Today I got up instead of lying in bed which always leads to some fantasy. Walked around half mast for the past hour. I don't know about anyone else but I don't enjoy walking around like that. It is really uncomfortable physically, never mind the embarrasment. But I suppose I will just have to live with that, I think I used to "get rid of it" because of the discomfort, which is kinda dumb now I think about it. Like giving in to a child, it never helps the child and only gives you a temporary reprieve.

The psychologist I want to speak to is on holiday until August 24th, which kinda sucks. But I think this is an oppurtunity to learn patience and abstinence. But this is what I want to work through when I speak with him:

1 - my feelings of self loathing and low self esteem,
2 - discuss if maybe I am repressing myself instead of controlling myself,
3 - how to become happier (which probably will be corrected by the above.

I think that is it for now. But there is something which they practice at alcoholics anonymous which I think I am going to start saying, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

hopeful2

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Been on a study course all morning, and been getting some major urges to MO. My brain keeps sending signals, feels like my brain is hot and my midsection feels like it is constantly ready to go. It is funny in a way, I am really horny. Won't go into detail to avoid triggers.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

hopeful2

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Two days so far. Over the day of urges. I think after the initial 3 days things are a little easier. But at 7 days you get complacent and start to relax, so they key is to stay vigilant at every mile stone. I think the best way is to journal journal journal.

Here is to 2 days.

 "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."