Author Topic: Realizing I'm in hell  (Read 47303 times)

richyrichy

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #125 on: May 23, 2016, 02:14:56 AM »
wow your story is the exact blue print of my experience,  I have never been more driven and motivated to stop and understand my addictions, what this has done to my thought process, I will not be robbed of love in the future

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #126 on: May 23, 2016, 02:15:52 AM »
I wish this was an exact science so i could see the exact progress and setbacks. I need someone with more expertise and experience then me to help out here.

I did not look up porn and had a binge, something came up on the screen and I pretty much just touched myself and BOOM. It is really hard to see what is being simply horny and what is being addicted. I sometimes wonder if it is not better to simply rub one out once in a while quickly to not go around being turned on all the time.  I dunno, just thinking out loud here.

I had a pretty long streak, and I have PMO 15 times in the last 100 days. I hope this simply makes this a "lost day" and possibly one or two after that, not that I go back to some sort of square one. Perhaps I focus too much on counting days?

Pretty confused right now and would really appreciate any answers on this.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

Boo

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #127 on: May 23, 2016, 06:55:13 AM »
It's simple, really. You gave in to the urge and let it take over your consciousness. It can happen fast.

One thing I'd recommend in response to what you've just posted is to go back and read your entire journal. It sounds like you're on the fence as to whether PMOing is a problem for you or not. You said it was. Your words in your journal. Has that opinion changed?

Are you really going around being "turned on " all the time? Can you just "rub one out" periodically
to give yourself the relief that you think you need? Will you use porn to do that?

No judging here, bro. You have to manage your life the best way you can to achieve the level of peace and contentment that you desire. If that means acting out occasionally then so be it. I'm not single and as Chip said, I've "caught my limit" (no more searching for companionship) I'm happily married. I've always been in a relationship prior to meeting my wife.

I've stated before that if I were single, this PMO/MO habit would be much harder for me to kick. We're human and we have physical needs, I suppose. BUT, can we avoid falling down the rabbit hole of a casual "exercise" turning into an obsessive habit? I've always told you that you need to have a strong "Why?" if this is something you truly want to stop doing.

Maybe your "why?" is changing to "why not?". I know that I'm happiest when I'm bonding, so if my wife preceded me in death (God forbid !), I would, after a period of mourning, probably endeavor to find another mate to share life with. You had mentioned in your earliest posts about your frustrations with PIED and a woman that you had great feelings for. It sounds as if you desire "someone" to share life with. Maybe finding that "someone" should become an important life goal for you.

I personally think you're lonely. There's no shame in that either. It's a sad reality for many people and many of whom have various addictions. Maybe your issue is strictly brain chemistry and habit, but maybe it's also filling an emotional void in your life. I don't know. I think it's been both for me. You can be married as I am and still feel lonely, even though you're not alone. So, marriage doesn't cure everything either. But, I personally think men who are married are happier and healthier overall. There's a lot of empirical evidence gathered by sociologists that support that. That's not hyperbole.

Anyway, this is a long post. I wish I had the exact answer to give you the most help, but I guess I don't.

My one answer that I'm confident to give is that yes, it is just a "lost day" if you don't continue acting out. A lapse doesn't have to be a relapse. You control that. Putting together streaks, even with lapses in between, is really important, so I think a counter is a good tool initially until you start to make real progress.  Just my opinion. I hope there was something in this long missive that helps.
Boo
« Last Edit: May 23, 2016, 06:58:10 AM by Boo »

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #128 on: May 23, 2016, 07:33:39 AM »
Thanks Boo.
A very good post, and I will answer this later on today when I have quit work. You do touch on a lot of important issues, and you are dead right on many things there.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #129 on: May 23, 2016, 08:54:57 AM »
Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost… I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

:)
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #130 on: May 23, 2016, 12:55:05 PM »
Cutting up the post, so answering the comments from Boo (in Italics) in parts. WOT below...

B: It's simple, really. You gave in to the urge and let it take over your consciousness. It can happen fast.

Yup, it really isn't more complicated then that.

B: One thing I'd recommend in response to what you've just posted is to go back and read your entire journal. It sounds like you're on the fence as to whether PMOing is a problem for you or not. You said it was. Your words in your journal. Has that opinion changed?

Took your advice and read my own journal again. I was actually suprised how much progress I have made as I revisited the places I was at when I wrote earlier posts. felt a lot less worried about my addiction and relaps after having done that. However, I think you misread my posts a bit. I am very aware that PMO is a problem for me, what I might have second thoughts about is if I should do anything about it or simple accept the fact that I am broken goods. Since I am writing here, it should be clear that I have chosen to keep on fighting.

B: Are you really going around being "turned on " all the time? Can you just "rub one out" periodically
to give yourself the relief that you think you need? Will you use porn to do that?

No judging here, bro. You have to manage your life the best way you can to achieve the level of peace and contentment that you desire. If that means acting out occasionally then so be it. I'm not single and as Chip said, I've "caught my limit" (no more searching for companionship) I'm happily married. I've always been in a relationship prior to meeting my wife.

I've stated before that if I were single, this PMO/MO habit would be much harder for me to kick. We're human and we have physical needs, I suppose. BUT, can we avoid falling down the rabbit hole of a casual "exercise" turning into an obsessive habit? I've always told you that you need to have a strong "Why?" if this is something you truly want to stop doing.


As far as I can tell, my best approach is to take away everything related to P or M right now. My thoughts about M to ease the urge is probably an irrational idea to justify my own behaviour, but also an expression that I have such a hard time knowing what is going on with me. Do I still have PIED? Will I suddenly start feeling good if I abstain for another 10 days? Another 90? I guess I simply need faith and to keep on going. I will end this post with more about this.

B: Maybe your "why?" is changing to "why not?". I know that I'm happiest when I'm bonding, so if my wife preceded me in death (God forbid !), I would, after a period of mourning, probably endeavor to find another mate to share life with. You had mentioned in your earliest posts about your frustrations with PIED and a woman that you had great feelings for. It sounds as if you desire "someone" to share life with. Maybe finding that "someone" should become an important life goal for you.

I personally think you're lonely. There's no shame in that either. It's a sad reality for many people and many of whom have various addictions. Maybe your issue is strictly brain chemistry and habit, but maybe it's also filling an emotional void in your life. I don't know. I think it's been both for me. You can be married as I am and still feel lonely, even though you're not alone. So, marriage doesn't cure everything either. But, I personally think men who are married are happier and healthier overall. There's a lot of empirical evidence gathered by sociologists that support that. That's not hyperbole.


You are right in coming back to the "why". I suppose that is the million dollar question here. Also, I think this is a point where you and I differ. I see your posts shining with a burning will to be a good husband, a reliable man and a good lover to your wife. i applaud your decision to become that and judging from your posts, you are heading there rapidly. I hope your wife understand how lucky she is to have you in her life. I, we, on this site know how hard your struggle is. however, that burning passion that drives you is something I simply lack. Why not is actually a good summary of my motivation, and it is hard as hell to keep my eye on the ball with that. I think that finding a goal is something I might be able to do when my recovery has gone a bit further. at the moment, it is pride that keeps me going, and pride that make me grit my teeth now and rise to the test again.

Yes, I am lonely, very lonely. This is not a therapy session, but sufficient to say, I am both physically, geographically, emotionally and morally cut off from pretty much everyone I have ever known and most people I meet. I fully understand that you can be alone in a relationship, I have experienced that and that is probably where my porn addiction started, as it was a refuge from that relationship I was in. So I have seen both sides of the coin. I can cope with my days fine now, I have gotten used to be on my own, the only thing I have left to do is to kill the porn urges, and after that I have no emotions left that will sabotage my life.

B: Anyway, this is a long post. I wish I had the exact answer to give you the most help, but I guess I don't.

Brother, you have no idea how much your words mean to me and how grateful I am for the time you took to type them down.

B: My one answer that I'm confident to give is that yes, it is just a "lost day" if you don't continue acting out. A lapse doesn't have to be a relapse. You control that. Putting together streaks, even with lapses in between, is really important, so I think a counter is a good tool initially until you start to make real progress.  Just my opinion. I hope there was something in this long missive that helps.
Boo


yes, I think you are right here. I think too much focus on a solid streak might not be the right medecine. Of course, quitting cold turkey would be great, but not very realistic. i have researched all day and  see people with all sorts of addictions relapsing over and over again, and still making progress and getting over their addictions. As long as I bounce back now and keep on trucking, I should be fine. Perhaps the guiolt is the worst thing for my progress, not the PMO itself. I have a counter on an app, quite detailed, so I can track days without PMO, without seeing any porn, without M etc etc. I am quite happy to see that it is by far more "green check marks" then the red failed marks" on the weeks now.

As I read my journal, I see that I have been slowly peeling away layers of the addiction. At first i thought some PM would be fine, then P as long as it wasn't M or vice versa etc. This time i think I need to accept that I must combat my fantazies a lot more, and activly try to stop have thoughts of sex. No idea how right now (dead drunk 24//??) but I suppose that is what I will have to learn.

I reposted the poem above, and I would like to end this email by highlighting that. I fell into the whole, but I got out quickly and I now see the traps. So I keep edging (no pun intended) towards recovery from this addiction.

Take care all, and thanks again for your extensive post.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #131 on: May 23, 2016, 02:57:41 PM »
relaps learnings.

1. Every time I relapse is when I am tired. It is also always late at night or in the morning.I stopped the late night one by eliminating internet from my bedroom.
    A) No compuper/internet in the morning before work. At weekends, not sitting down in fron of the PC before having had a shower, a coffee and really woken up to the day.

2. Every relapse has been a bit different. I have never hit the same kind of sites. This time it was some escort service, when I tricked my mind into "wonder of this is big here in this city, I am just gonna check it out" bullshit.
   A) Good thing that it is never the same. Every relapse has proven some kind of progress as I am shutting down PMO areas.
   B) It is too early for me for ANY sexual content. No matter what it is.

3. Every relapse has started with massiv fantazies and M without porn.
  A) I need to start working on controlling my imaginary life. as above, I need a break from all sex related stuff.

4. Every relapse has somehow been tied to the thought if i can have sex with a real woman, or if I am broken goods.
  A) It is too early to even think about this. I need to put all thoughs of sex and relationship out of my mind.

5. I had missed out on meditation for a few days before the relapse
  A) Medfitation is a key factor in healing. Keep it up.

6. I was bored
  A) Find things to do, start learning new stuff, start reading a new book.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

Boo

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #132 on: May 23, 2016, 03:52:55 PM »
This is great self awareness on your part. I understand about fantasy because that's my underlying Achilles heel. It's subtle, but powerful when the mind starts running.

I'm glad that you acknowledged that you ARE making progress. That's important. The most important thing you can do IF you have a lapse is to not let yourself feel "awful", as you say. Square your shoulders,
and start a new streak of days, immediately. To use a boxing analogy, you have to be in your own corner (along with me and your other brothers here who support you  :)

You're going to make it because of your self awareness and resolve, which I truly believe you have. And when you start experiencing soaring self confidence and self efficacy regarding your ability to have a relationship again, you will meet someone when you least expect it.(because you will be ready for it)

I hope you understand the spirit of my intent in cheering your efforts. I want you to experience the kind of life you want to have one day in all it's form and fashion. 

Your brother in the fight
Boo

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #133 on: May 24, 2016, 06:21:55 AM »
Yup, back in the saddle today.

Yesterday and today I have been looking at a lot of other addiction help. Listening to people overcoming drug abuse and other addictions can actually teach a lot.

Also using this journal a lot more, as in reading it. This morning I felt the usual urges but tried a different method of killing them. I simply read the posts I have made as I have relapsed and simply doing that made me revisit that awful place you end up at five minutes after PMO. Only tried this once, but this morning it sure worked in quickly killing the urge and avoiding porn.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #134 on: May 24, 2016, 02:04:15 PM »
tried something risky today, as I didn't think I risked that much. I intentionally looked at porn, and actually used my logic in trying to see what the turn-on is. I can honestly say that watching it like that, as a curious observer, made a lot of stuff just seem silly, repulsive or dull. No PMO, simply killed the page and turned on the anti porn systems again.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #135 on: May 26, 2016, 03:28:12 AM »
Good thing: After the last look on porn I have no real desire to watch it again, and no real cravings for it.

Bad news: I have really, really strong urges for nude models, the main "porn" use I have ever done. I honestly wish most of all that that habit did not screw up my  brain and give me PIED so I could continue doing that, but that is wishful thinking, I know. I think that the chaser effect after my relapse two days ago is the reason for this increase in urges, or I am simply still on that cycle that made me relapse in the first place.

To my horror I see that the main trigger seem to be work. The days I had home alone, in front of a PC were really easy compared to workdays. I also find that being very social, as I have been, might not be such a good thing, at least not this early. I came out stronger by being alone and being productive in regards of training, meditating etc.

Finally, been thinking a lot about how I got drawn into all of this lately. Might share that story later, but that will be a wall of text.

So, in summary. Feeling weak and pathetic today, but trying not to think too much of all of this. When I look at my calendar, I see that I have been monitoring my FAP habits since March, and been actively engaged in NoFap since April. And I have cut my fapping/relapses in half every month. Unless I binge out the next few days, I will only have three days of PMO in May, compared to something like 15 in April.

I WILL stay strong, I WILL keep improving and June will be a great month for healing myself.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

Boo

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #136 on: May 26, 2016, 07:59:02 AM »

"So, in summary. Feeling weak and pathetic today"


"I WILL stay strong, I WILL keep improving and June will be a great month for healing myself."

There's a little cognitive dissonance going on with your language here bro. You need to start guarding your self-talk, and especially what you put in writing, because writing reinforces thoughts.

pathetic = arousing sympathy. Is that what you want? I don't think so, or at least I hope not.

The second quote is great. I'm not advising to be in denial concerning your self assessment, but remember that everything you say has power. When you write it down, it has even more power. That's why rereading your journal has helped you. It has shown you where you've used both encouraging as well as self denigrating language about yourself and your progress: the former helps, the latter keeps you stuck in the language of "struggle". Just sayin'....  Stay Well.

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #137 on: May 26, 2016, 10:31:22 AM »
well, this is an online forum, so sympathy will only get me so far. The point of using that word, or any word, is not to generate some kind or reaction from any reader, including myself in the future, it is to pen down what is on my mind in the moment, without any filters.

But adressing me feeling weak and pathetic, I think I AM weak and pathetic in many ways. And changing that takes many different approaces. There are parts of me that need a kick in the butt and I need to stop being a damn child and change things, and there are parts that need comfort and sympathy.

if I compare this to smoking. I laways knew the dangers of smoking. What idiot wouldn't? So I do not see myself being lured into a bad habit.

With porn, I was never told, and quite often encourage by society itself. And I feel truly sorry for myself, and anyone else here that engaged in a behaviour that was damaging, perhaps for decades, without realizing the dangers.

As for not acting NOW, that I know of it, and can clearly see what is happening, but still fall back on old cues, I yell at myself to stop doing what I ma doing.

With that said, you are quite right about not adopting a persona of being a "struggeling victim". That role is probably the most direct way straight back to addiction.

Cheers
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

Boo

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #138 on: May 26, 2016, 04:21:59 PM »

With that said, you are quite right about not adopting a persona of being a "struggling victim". That role is probably the most direct way straight back to addiction.

Cheers

This was really my main point. Hope I didn't sound as if I'm lacking in empathy. We're all in this together. You're certainly right to express anything you're feeling in your own journal or anywhere else at RN. I just don't like to see you get down on yourself. Wishing you the best brother.

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #139 on: May 27, 2016, 02:36:46 AM »
I am always glad of your comments, Boo. Having what I write challenged is one of the best reasons for writing here and not in a privat journal that no one reads. :)

Strange update. Yesterday lunch all urges went away, as if they never excised. For about a week I had struggled with them, and a few days I fell off the wagon, and since it has been a daily struggle to climb back on. But yesterday, it just went away. 100% morning wood this morning, so no flat line (at least not yet). Was out on dinner with a girl yesterday on a mix business-social meet and have a slight headache from the drinks. According to all experience, I should be using porn now, or at least crave it, but nope, nothing.

I will enjoy this feeling as long as it last, and try to make the most of it by starting up some new habits that might serve me if the ride gets tough again further down the road.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #140 on: May 27, 2016, 04:45:28 AM »
Hmm, tested a new thing yesterday that might be connected to this. As my urges were really bad, I actually had a very focused meditation/fantasy about ejaculating. NOT connected to sex or porn, just the physical experience of it.

I saw this on some nofap channel. The logic seem to be that the brain cannot tell a real O apart from a fantasy about one, as long as that fantasy is "realistic" enough. So once the message gets the message, it stops sending impulses to act out. I think I was able to do this since I have been meditating a lot for the past three weeks and is starting to get good  in controlling my thoughts. The key here is not to make this a sex fantasy, but to simply focus on the feeling itself, just as you do regarding breathing for instance in common meditation.

I remember walking into the bathroom being consumed by urges, and walking about completely cleansed from it, to the point that I needed to sit now and think back if there could be some reason why I am not lusting at all today.

I will defiantly try this again the next time I get an urge.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #141 on: May 27, 2016, 08:53:05 AM »
realized that I have made this journey once before. What I am doing now is quite similar to getting back in shape. I had a period of panic when I had to face that I was skinny-fat, and then a period of complete bullshit attempts to get fit by using some kind of quick-fix.

However, it was when I started going to the gym, started doing the basic exercises, and actually took pleasure IN THE JOURNEY ITSELF, not only looking at some distant goal, that I actually made progress. I must assume that this thing is very, very similar.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

Boo

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #142 on: May 27, 2016, 11:12:26 AM »
Have goals. Get in shape. Stay busy and productive. That's 2/3 of the path to success, IMO. You already know the tools that work for you, by your own admission. Just work them and stay committed.

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #143 on: May 27, 2016, 02:50:47 PM »
Porn is really boring. Just sayin' :)
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

aslowturning

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #144 on: May 27, 2016, 04:05:39 PM »
You already know the tools that work for you, by your own admission. Just work them and stay committed.

Very true words here. Just as this addiction is a little different for all of us. We all know the tools that work best for us. But we have to open that toolbox, take them out and use them. The word for that is discipline and I struggle with that. But I have to say that every time I bring some it is surprising what I can do. May it be so for you G!

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #145 on: May 28, 2016, 04:33:02 AM »
I took quite some time before I went to this forum to write, to be balanced and not just rant ant cry. So I will use my logic and my brain here, not emotions.

1. I relapsed again this morning

2. Although my first impulse was to cancel my dinnerplans tonight, stay home in bed  and wallow in self peity, I have now decided to go ahead with my day as planned. Resetting and start moving again.

3. Lessons learned:
a - My last 4 relapses have all been with my phone. From now on, I will keep the phone only in two public places while at home. I will only use it for calls, checking my work email, checking my app that contains info on training, meditation etc amd using the meditation app. Under no circomstances will I bring the phone to my bedroom.

b - I was quite sick yesterday and this morning. The sickness is brought on by my anti-smoking pills. I know that being sick is a huge trigger for me. Whenever I feel like this, I must force myself to get our of bed. If I need to lay down, I will do that outside on the balcony or on the sofa just by my large panorama windows.

c - Never again underestimating this addiction. Although I have read heaps on it now, it still suprises me. I can honestly say that there is a point of no return in a relapse that occurs quite early on, and after that the brain is simply disconnected. Relapse happens on autopilot.

d - May is still by far my best month. It would have been nice if I could have simply realized I had a problem and quit but I am not capable of that. My journey is zig-zagging between failures and the trick is to learn from each of them and always do a little bit better. June will be even better
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

Boo

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #146 on: May 28, 2016, 06:02:12 AM »
I took quite some time before I went to this forum to write, to be balanced and not just rant ant cry. So I will use my logic and my brain here, not emotions.

1. I relapsed again this morning

2. Although my first impulse was to cancel my dinnerplans tonight, stay home in bed  and wallow in self pity, I have now decided to go ahead with my day as planned. Resetting and start moving again.

3. Lessons learned:
a - My last 4 relapses have all been with my phone. From now on, I will keep the phone only in two public places while at home. I will only use it for calls, checking my work email, checking my app that contains info on training, meditation etc and using the meditation app. Under no circumstances will I bring the phone to my bedroom.

b - I was quite sick yesterday and this morning. The sickness is brought on by my anti-smoking pills. I know that being sick is a huge trigger for me. Whenever I feel like this, I must force myself to get our of bed. If I need to lay down, I will do that outside on the balcony or on the sofa just by my large panorama windows.

c - Never again underestimating this addiction. Although I have read heaps on it now, it still surprises me. I can honestly say that there is a point of no return in a relapse that occurs quite early on, and after that the brain is simply disconnected. Relapse happens on autopilot.

d - May is still by far my best month. It would have been nice if I could have simply realized I had a problem and quit but I am not capable of that. My journey is zig-zagging between failures and the trick is to learn from each of them and always do a little bit better. June will be even better

Despite your lapse, I like the spirit of this post. You know where you are and are willing to move forward , learning lessons along the way. That really is the key: not quitting, not letting "autopilot" take over and turn a lapse into a long tern relapse. That is what happened to me in times past, more than I like to think about now.  This path is very non-linear for most people. Lots of painful lessons along the way. Gum, I've felt the pain, believe me.

If we stick and stay the course we learn to transcend the pain at some point and really start to make progress. We know it. We can feel. it. We know that this time it will be different. When we start to do battle with this stuff, we really begin to learn what we're made of.

I really hope you can get off your anti-smoking meds. I've heard very mixed reviews from people about Chantix in particular. I smoked for 20 yrs. I just gradually weaned myself off of them. It's been 20 yrs. since I quit. I enjoy hand-rolled premium cigars but of course I don't inhale those. I still get a little nicotine absorption through the mouth but I go for many days without having one so it's an indulgent pleasure and not a habit.

My mother died from COPD (74). My oldest brother died from small cell lung cancer after suffering for years with COPD. He was just shy of 60 yrs. old. My other brother, 62, can't seem to quit smoking. He's a very heavy smoker. He has COPD and has lost about 30 % of lung capacity. Gum, it's worth whatever you have to do to quit. Best of luck to you in that endeavor.

Stay strong and keep your peace in the midst of life's storms. Better days ahead, man.

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #147 on: May 28, 2016, 07:16:58 AM »
Thanks!

yeah, Chantix will kick your ass, but I am also suffering from unusually strong withdrawels from Nicotine. I will be like this more or less another 6 weeks, and then I should be off it all. As I think I wrote before, I am a bit in two minds about deciding to quit both smokes and porn at the same time, but now I have started this process so the only option is to press on.

I am glad to hear your words about your own experiences. Not that I want you to relapse, but when you say that you used to relapse, and now you have come to a point where you have a streak of soon 50 days, that is incredible. And it give me great hope to follow your path. As you say, it is all about simply keeping at it and staying positive and eventually the tide will turn.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.

Leon

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #148 on: May 28, 2016, 08:52:52 AM »
I'm in agreement with Boo, gunmianka. Your overall view here is encouraging despite the lapse.

On the smoking and porn fronts, just think of the new you you're creating- and both habits (one bad for the body, the other for the soul)- are part of the 'old you' which you're leaving behind. It's good to tackle both at once, not seeing them as two addictions, but rather as a unit of addiction manifesting in two different ways.

Bottom line, self-care, self-love, dictate that you do all in your power to better yourself, and so kudos to you on both fronts.

For me, it took a miracle of sorts to quit smoking. I started when I was 13 and smoked until I was 19, a total of 6 years. I smoked about 17 cigarettes a day, if not more. I couldn't quit, after I became a believer back when I was 18 (I'm 49 years of age now). One day, after receiving counsel from a brother, I took a stand. Crushed my last pack of cigarettes, and yelled at them, "I hate you!!!" Then, per my friend's advice, when an urge arose to smoke, I'd visualize my habit in Christ's body as He died on the cross. As I did this, something happened... the desire to smoke just went away. I even tried to smoke! I went to my favorite cafe, had coffee, and lit up- had 1 that first day, 2 the next day, but there was nothing about it... I just gave it up after that, as the desire was completely gone.

(like yourself, Boo, I enjoy the occasional non-inhaling puff of a cigar, though it's been a while). 

Porn use, of course, has been a different animal, but I hope that there's something of use in my story above.

Wishing you well, brother. 
« Last Edit: May 28, 2016, 08:55:03 AM by Leon »

gummianka

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Re: Realizing I'm in hell
« Reply #149 on: May 28, 2016, 09:29:35 AM »
Thank you.
Yes, I think the long term benefit of quitting both addictions at once is quite good, it just gets a bit worse in the beginning. As you say, quitting something is never a good thing, becoming a better person is the right way to look at it, and by throwing away two major addictions in my life at once, this whole journay, no matter how hard it is, becomes a positive ride. I think the problem has been that had I stillsmoked, I would have managed to not relapse a few times early on, since I could have walked outside and had a smoke as an escape, but that would only be a short term solution. Now I have failed many times, but learend a lot from those failures and has a better foundation to stand on.

I am quite confident that June is going to be a month of good recovery for me. The fact that I feel that, hours after a relapse, tells me I ma on the right path. Last time I relasped I was in hell for a few days, not being able to do much more then to hate myself.
No PMO for 50 days, and counter stopped now as I am off the net for God knows how long.