Author Topic: Finally moving towards recovery!  (Read 26970 times)

Faptain America

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 97
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #150 on: August 20, 2017, 07:30:55 PM »
Hey Peace!

Glad to see you're doing well! I'm also in the same boat as you. I'm over 30 and also (as you guys know) on a lighter regime than some of the other folks on here. For me porn is more of a treat now than a need. I use my head to fantasize alot now and it feels great. For some folks using porn as a treat is a very slippery slope and it certainly can be for me as well but I feel like i'm in a good place and I feel like this addiction has significantly less power over me now than it did before. Not everyone can wean but if you can make it work I strongly feel it's the best way to be rid of the addiction.

Cheers,

-The Faptain

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #151 on: September 05, 2017, 12:51:34 AM »
Hey everyone!

I meant to post this a few days ago but I didn't get around to it, so I'm going to post it now. I haven't (luckily) relapsed since the mini relapse I describe below, but obviously I'm still at risk and am vigilant. The last time I PMO'ed was about 3-4 weeks ago. Sorry about this super long post but I just started writing and everything I wrote is still relevant so here it is :) I figure one long post every now and again is better than not posting at all :)


I didn't have a full relapse two nights ago , but I did have kind of a 'half relapse' with P subs. It's weird: I feel like my mind is back in the place of feeling heavy shame for relapsing even though I didn't have a full relapse. And now I'm trying to get back to the place where I feel good again, doing self talk to tell myself that I've been actually doing really well (which I have been - I haven't watched P in about 3 weeks or so), but once my mind discerns that I've failed and that I've done something shameful, it seems to want to jump right back into the mode of being ashamed, and angry at myself and feeling like I don't deserve to be happy and feel joy! Haha, it's crazy! Like even though I've been doing really well with my addiction struggle, it just wants to focus on the one 'bad' thing that happened two nights ago where I got triggered and I let down my guard and fell back into an old reactive pattern. Well fuck it addiction - I'm not going to completely fall back into this goddamned trap of feeling completely shitty about myself which then becomes a viscous cycle that feeds more addictive behaviour. I'm gonna pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep on moving. I'm going to continue on doing the things that I had planned today and I'm gonna continue to write my poetry and music and expressing myself, I'm gonna keep trying to do exercise as much as possible, running and doing stretches and doing push-ups ;) Peace is gonna stick with it friends :)




And friends! Thank you ten million times, thank you for commenting on my page. It means the world to me, because it helps me feel not alone, and it helps me build up that sense of community. I definitely want to return the comments in kind on your threads as well, and I will, but for now I'm just posting on here, and will respond to some of the things you guys said on my thread
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #152 on: September 05, 2017, 12:53:11 AM »
(Oops, that wasn't the whole post - here's the rest of it)
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #153 on: September 05, 2017, 12:54:11 AM »
Hey I ! Thanks for the advice about blocking software! I totally agree with you that ultimately the desire to change has to come from within and I can't rely on blocking software to do all the work for me. And you're totally right about observing your mind and body and how they trick you. Last night when I got triggered (it was by something that I read) I was able to say to myself in my head "ok, here you are and you've been triggered and you can stop it if you try hard enough, but just so you know, you're being triggered and you can be aware of this". I mean, it's not perfect, I still had a mini relapse episode with P subs, but I was able to have that 'witnessing voice' inside of me that saw what was happening. As for the 'panic app' is that for IOS do you know? And also that's very good advice about occupying myself with better things - today I went for a hike and a swim - yesterday I went into the city and walked around and enjoyed the vibe in the city (even though the 'half relapse' was on my mind, I pushed through it and kept doing the things I had planned for the day). It's funny: I find hard mode is good, but often what will happen is that I'll go with hard mode for awhile and then have some version of a relapse because my 'horny-ness' level has built up , and I get easily triggered. I guess I just need to have more self discipline or occupy my time with better things, or both. But yes, I agree with you  that hard mode is the best way to conserve your life energy! 


Achilles!! So good to hear from you as one of the "class of 2016" I saw Siphus posted on here a month or two ago, so not everybody is totally out of the loop, but I definitely agree: it's great to see some folks still around from when we first started posting on here at the beginning of our no PMO journeys :) It's funny - I felt as if I should change over my journal to be in the "over 30's" group, but I'm just gonna keep my thread in here for now because I've built up ties in this small community from my year and a half of posting in here and I value that continuity, so for now I'm gonna stick in here. I might also start a thread in the "over 30's" group just to start a presence with that group, but for now, I'm just gonna stick with this one :)

Yes, I've been having a few relapses in the past little while, but I'm obviously trying to keep it to a minimum :) like I described in one of my earlier posts I liken my movement away from this addiction to be like constructing avalanche fences: it might not stop them from ever happening again, but it does make it harder for the relapses that do happen from carrying me away completely, and strengthens the tools at my disposal for helping me get away from this stuff. On the positive side, I've been getting the odd morning wood, and I've been able to get hard with my imagination and my hand when I do M....... so , yay!! Small victories where I can get 'em :)

I haven't gone full 'hard mode', maybe cuz I'm unable to, or cuz I like to continue to M, but at least I'm not PMO-ing. I am however open to the concept of trying to go to 'hard mode' because I recognize the value in conserving my energy for other productive life things.

And yes, it is super important to remember that we have both already made it +100 days with no PMO, and know that we CAN DO IT AGAIN! And yes, let's try our darnedest to be those good examples to strive for! I know we can do it, especially with the help of this community :) let's continue to stick together :)

It's interesting Achilles that you relapse when hungover, cuz I'm most likely to relapse when I'm drunk, or at least buzzed. But then if I gave in the night before, I'm definitely more likely to give in the next morning when I'm hungover (hungover both from alcohol and also from P).




Faptain!! Good to hear from you again too! All my buds :)

That's very impressive that you can have P as a 'treat' and still manage to not let it get out of control! For me I can't really 'dance with the devil' like that. I pretty much have to cut it out of my life as much as possible. I still do fantasize and do M regularly, but I know that I have to use P as little as I possibly can :) that's just what works best for me to give me a more balanced life where I can be more confident and function and interact with people in a way that feels good and normal for me :) But yes I also agree with you (as I made mention of earlier in this post), that my philosophy towards this thing is of weaning myself off of P, basically slowing down my usage as much as possible, and strengthening other parts of my life so as to make relapses less and less likely.

Thank you all again so much for posting and commenting. I'll try be in touch more often, but unfortunately life seems to get in the way, and I get distracted and then don't end up writing in my journal, but have faith that I am still here and that I'm still struggling with this addiction and that I'm doing my best to minimize its presence in my life.

All the best to all of you. I love you all! And keep up the good (albeit difficult) work!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #154 on: September 07, 2017, 01:05:19 PM »
Hey everyone! I had a big relapse last night- PMO-ed twice over a period of about an hour. I had been drinking a bit last night and then I just gave in to it, basically out of loneliness and boredom. I know this is true. I had basically had a really good day up until that point and as I wrote in an earlier post, I hadn't PMO-ed in like 3-4 weeks.

Yesterday in the morning I ran into this woman that I have a crush on, who I kinda think doesn't like me back (but fingers crossed *might ), but we still had a nice interaction and left me with a good feeling to start my day, then today I have off, so I had a little celebration (I guess) after work - I went to a restaurant and had a nice bit to eat while I read a book, then hung out with friends afterwards (and had a couple of drinks and a couple of cigarettes), and then retired to my room - had another drink and then watched some funny youtube videos and had a midnight snack so I wouldn't wake up too hungover. I was doing well! And then ............I PMO-ed! Looking back on it, I realize why it happened - basically because I was pretty happy and excited to have a good time, I had this excited energy (to want to hang out with people), but because everyone else had to work the next day, they went to bed early, and I didn't have anybody to party with, so it's almost like that happy fun excited energy didn't have n outlet in the form of real human interaction so I turned to P. Oh well, that'd what happened. I know what happened. I hope it doesn't happen again soon (like with "the chaser"effect, ya know?). Like I mentioned in earlier posts, I liken it to building avalanche fences: I know relapses will still happen, but I hope that they will happen less and less often and that they won't entirely ruin my life......until one day I relapse less and less............and less. Another analogy I was thinking of (this one might seem a bit more strange, but for me it works well): the image of conquering an opponent in a fight. I have them down on the ground, and I almost have them completely subdued, but every now and again they give a weak defiant punch (a relapse), but then I have to keep wrestling them to the ground (recovery).

On the good side, I'm not feeling THAT bad today, I mean I'm feeling a little hungover (from P and alcohol AND cigarettes), but I'm not feeling a lot of shame, which is REALLY REALLY great. I'm just gonna be kind to myself, slow down and get through my day off without rushing.

Love you all! Peace is gonna keep going.

Peace is out :)

(I wrote a some responses to peeps in a post above this :)
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 634
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #155 on: September 18, 2017, 09:20:10 AM »
Thanks a lot for your constant support and kind words, Peace! Did you get back on your feet yet? I hope you managed to use your inner "avalanche fence" to avoid further relapses, let's keep working on a success story, it's about time!

Focus on your half relapse two days before the full relapse, every time you notice such a half relapse or how you are tempted more than usual, make a plan how to stay away from your computer if it's not totally neccessary for the following days. It doesn't always work, but blocking software or leaving the house / meeting people for the following days might help avoiding the chaser effect. For me it works out well as long as I stay away from alcohol, drinking basically is the main problem and you kind of confirmed this for yourself too. When I drink I try to set up something for the next morning, might be sports or just meeting people, so I make sure I don't wake up hungover, bored and lonely.

I hope you're doing well!

Nope

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 80
  • Personal Text
    So Imma no fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-ap till a di-i-i-i-i-ie
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #156 on: September 19, 2017, 03:46:44 AM »
Hey Peace!

I came back to the forum! hahaha I'm glad to see you still in the right path ;) I think we started the reboot at the same time more or less and it's been always encouraging to read your journal.

I've been in the same situation you went through the other night. Now I try to drink only if I have a night plan, something to keep my self entertained and socializing.

Well, see you around ;)
You're welcome to visit my journal here: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=9431.0

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #157 on: September 20, 2017, 02:04:30 PM »
Hey everyone!

Just checking in for my regular checkup to tell you all how I'm doing. Well, I haven't (fingers crossed) relapsed since my last post, so that’s totally awesome! I’m pretty psyched about that, but ya know, it really has to be one day at a time. I just gotta keep getting better and better at recognizing my own triggers and taking steps to prevent them.

You're welcome Achilles for the kind words, and thank you as well!! And yes, my "inner avalanche fence" worked, at least up until this point and I DID get back on feet!! ;) I mean, I have faith in myself, but I also am a realist, and know that I've relapsed in the past, so that's why I'm just taking it one day at a time. Fucking good advice about observing the mini relapse before the big one, haha, I didn't really notice that that's the way it had happened, but I looked back on it, and indeed you were right! First I had the mini, and then 2 days later I had a major one. Yep, totally good advice about observing myself and taking steps to avoid it in future, I think that's really what gets me is the slow, subtle slippery slope of shame and depression that creeps in that I don't notice, and that eventually leads to a relapse. It’s all about doing small maintenance things to ensure it doesn't happen in the future, basically this whole process is about getting to know myself better and observing myself and being very present and honest about what’s happening inside me. Also, totally correct about staying away from alchohol. As I mention later in this post, I'm moving in by myself soon, and I hope that this change will lead me to drink a little bit less, cuz right now I often drink when I'm around other people and also when I'm kind of pissed off at one of my roommates and just want to distract myself from the frustration annoyance and pain. So I'm hoping that when I'm living alone, I will be able to reinforce more positive habits and also hopefully drink less often, and also drink more "purposefully" like more for social occasions as opposed to just because I'm bored etc.

Hey Nope! Good to see you too! Glad you're back! How was your time away? Were you able to stay away from PMO? As I just wrote above, I also share your experience with alcohol - as in - it leads to possible relapse, (for me it used to be only smoking weed that always lead directly to relapse, but more in the last year or two I've also fallen into PMO after drinking alcohol, so I may have to try abstain more from that too). And also, as I've mentioned earlier, I'm hoping that once I move in by myself, I'll be able to maybe drink a bit less, get to bed more consistently and get more consistent sleep and do more projects that I love and find fun! :) Which will all hopefully lead to stronger "avalanche fences" :)

Thank you both so much for writing in my journal and giving me support!! :) :) :)

On a good note: last night I was having a few drinks and some cigarettes and chatting and have good times with my roomies (pretty much the same set of circumstances that led to my relapse two weeks ago), and then I made a bite to eat and made moves towards bed - butttttt, this time I didn't chose to watch YouTube videos while I ate, and instead chose to read a book. I think this very simple choice is what made it that I DIDN'T relapse last night!! It did cross my mind a tiny bit, but I think that just the memory of knowing what happened last time I was in these circumstances, and also having had a deep and meaningful conversation with one of my roomies beforehand kind of sobered up my mind you know? And therefore put me in a more 'realistic' mind set, that allowed me to be like "ok, no I'm not going to PMO, because I've been down this road a million times and I know where this fuckin' road leads, and I know that honestly I can't PMO, because I know that tomorrow I'm going to feel miserable and ashamed of myself. So - I didn't PMO last night!! Heck ya!!

In other news in my life: right now I'm living in a house with a bunch of roommates, but pretty soon I'm going to be moving  into an apartment all by myself!! I'm feeling a mixture of emotions, but I think that overall It's going to be a good thing. I'm super excited to have to opportunity to arrange the place to way I want, and to be able to do any sort of project that I want to do (right now it's a bit cramped quarters and so I find that I often don't have the freedom to do the things that I want to do, the way I want to do them). So I'm super excited about that part, but I'm also sad about leaving the situation that I've been living in for a little more than a year, and leaving behind the friends I've made in that space, but I also know that I'll remain friends with them, it's just that I won't be living there full time anymore and so won't be so intimately connected to everything and everyone in that house anymore. But that's cool, because I know that in life I need to move forward and make choices that I feel are healthy, and I know that if I stayed where I'm at, I wouldn't feel healthy.

I also hope that living by myself will allow me to have more consistently better sleep, cuz right now I'm often tempted to stay up a little later and hang out with my roomies (I must admit - we do have a lot of fun), and also there's often more noise later at night than I would like when I'm trying to go to bed.


One more thing I'm super aware of is the risk of PMO-ing and falling back into relapse. So, I have faith in myself, but being realistic I know that I'll probably relapse a couple times after I've moved in by myself. However, I am also hopeful that once I'm living by myself I'll be able to construct and arrange my life the way I want so that I'll to able to avoid PMO more (that's the hope anyway). I think the trick for me is that I just gotta keep doing the things that I want, and having fun and try to invite people over for hangouts to keep me from going too much into myself, and spiraling into the darker parts of myself. I haven't lived by myself for almost 10 years, and when I did last time was kind of the first time that I spiraled badly into uncontrolled PMO. So I do see the risk of living alone in that, but I also hope that now that I'm older, and have more awareness of this addiction, and more resources to draw on, I'll have more of those avalanche fences to keep me stronger and safer :)

But, yeah when I think about it, I'm super excited to be able to live by myself!! Ya know? Like right now I often feel like I can't fully be myself or arrange my space the way I want to, but when I'm living by myself I really feel and hope that I'll be able to feel free in that space and create a supportive space for myself.

That's all for now folks! Still sticking with it, still visiting this site, and still posting in my journal :)

Love you all! I wish you all the best!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #158 on: September 25, 2017, 01:18:38 PM »
Hey folks!

I had another friggin relapse last night (PMO'ed twice) and then this morning I PMO-ed again. It looks like I'm in that stupid "three week rut" or something like it: but I'm going to try my best to not get frustrated and discouraged about acknowledging that pattern, and just keep on truckin' towards recovery. Any advice for getting past the "three week rut"?

I think I'm going to have to lay off the booze for a little while in situations where I'm just going to be alone afterwards because that's what happened last night :( I mean a lot of the time me PMO-ing comes from the often uncomfortable feelings of being with people/ having a great time, and then the "letdown" of being alone afterwards. So in the long term I know that that's a pattern that I'm going to have to deal with in my psyche :/

Love you all! Wish me luck!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

Jack Can

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 241
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #159 on: September 26, 2017, 02:29:04 AM »
why not just give up booze forever?

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #160 on: November 12, 2017, 03:39:17 PM »
Hey everyone!

It's been awhile since I last posted, and I apologize for not being more on top of keeping my account active. However I have some good excuses! Lol. I want to say right off the bat though that I have NOT relapsed since the last time I wrote that I relapsed like a little more than a month ago, so that's fuckin' awesome, and I'm super proud of that! I've certainly been tempted on more than one occasion (probably about 5 times since I last relapsed, right before I went to bed I was pretty close to just saying 'fuck it' and giving in to watching P. Anyway I didn't give in, and I'm super proud of myself for that.

So, now to the excuses! Haha.

Well a big change that happened in my life recently was that I moved into a new apartment at the beginning of October! I had been living with roommates for the last year and a half up until I moved out and now I'm living all by myself!! I can't believe it! It's a beautiful thing! I absolutely love living by myself! It's great! I can set the pace at which I do things, I can play music late,  I can masturbate and make noise when I do it without fear that anyone will hear me! Lol, or I can just talk to myself out loud completely honestly without limitation, thinking that people will think I'm weird. So, yeah, I'm pretty psyched to have my own place! :)

So that's basically my one big excuse for not writing: moving in kept me busy for the first few weeks, and plus I was sick while moving, so that made it difficult to do anything except move and make sure I was resting up to be able to make it to work and give a good effort at work. And then the last month has been just busy with continuing to work and also move in fully to my new place.

So…… overall I've been good! I've been MO-Ing fairly regularly, maybe 2-4 times a week. And I've been getting fairly consistent erections! I've also been waking up in the morning with morning wood probably about 4 times in the last month. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with a pretty big erection and just kind of humped the bed a little bit cuz it felt good! lol. I've actually never had a wet dream, ever! I feel that that's possibly because I started MO-ing and PMO-ing at such an early age, and that my body/mind were so accustomed to P that it wasn't sensitive enough to need to have a wet dream. But I'm thinking that maybe as I reboot my brain, and as I get more and more morning woods / wake up in the night with a boner, that maybe some day I might have a wet dream. Fingers crossed! :)

Another big piece of news is that I actually HAD SEX about a month ago!! It had been like a year since the last time I did, so that's friggin amazing! It was after a party. I started making out with this girl at a party, and then we went back to her place, and made out more, and I went down on her, and then we had intercourse. I have to say: I definitely had some trouble getting it up, but I feel that that's not only from PIED. I was also drunk, and I had to concentrate on putting on a condom, which often makes it difficult for me to keep an erection, because I have to focus on this task, and also I feel like the other person is waiting and expecting you to get it right. Lol. Anyway slight performance anxiety, as well as being drunk, which I find sometimes definitely makes it more difficult to get it up. However, having said that, I was able to get it up enough to be able to have intercourse. It was really nice! Even if we didn't have intercourse for a long time, and even if I didn't have the hardest erection, it was really nice just to be making out and being intimate with a naked woman! It had been awhile, but I hope it won't be awhile until the next time. But I kind of don't have the greatest 'game' with women all the time. Like I feel that if all you want to do is have sex, then they can pick up on that, and it probably makes it less likely that you will have sex! It's almost like you have to just focus on other things, and not really care if you get to have sex or not, and then it's probably more likely that you will have sex! Lol. A funny little paradox :)

Anyway, that's what's been happening in my world. I'm still on the no PMO track!

Oh, and in answer to your question, Jack Can, that's a good question about why I don't just completely quit alcohol outright. I dunno, that would probably be a good thing to try at some point, but I have to say, I do enjoy it - I love the taste, I like the effect it has on me, and for the most part, I don't do things that I regret while under its influence, that just happens on occasion. I dunno, that might change in the future (like it might become more of a problem), but for now I enjoy it, so I'm going to focus all of my "getting rid of an addiction power" on staying away from and keeping P out of my life :)

Hope you're all well!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

Jack Can

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 241
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #161 on: November 12, 2017, 06:23:55 PM »
Dude! that sounds freakin awesome! And I can't wait to live by myself, I can't stand being judged by my roommates so it's gonna be sick when I'm in your position.

Also, you're not missing out on anything by having not had a wet dream. I woke up at like 4 in the morning literally O'ing last night. And since I hadn't had an orgasm in about a month a lot of semen was coming out. Plus I was at my mom's house when it happened and she does all the laundry, so I had to hide my sperm filled underwear in my closet and hope she doesn't find it until next time I come back to visit...

Yeah... there were probably better ways to handle that situation, but oh well. Anyways, congratulations on the sex with a condom!

Nope

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 80
  • Personal Text
    So Imma no fa-a-a-a-a-a-a-ap till a di-i-i-i-i-ie
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #162 on: November 21, 2017, 05:04:36 AM »
Hey Peace!

Congratulations on your new achievements!

I can completely relate to what you say about having your own place. I live with a couple of close friends now, so it doesn't bother me as much sharing the house. Nevertheless they spend a lot of time out, and some times it feels really good to be just by myself, almost like a luxury.

Keep on the good path and pass by whenerver you feel like! ;)
You're welcome to visit my journal here: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=9431.0

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #163 on: March 15, 2018, 01:21:21 PM »
Hello fapstronauts!

It's been approximately a million years since I've last posted, but I thought I'd check in and let you all know how I'm doing!

Well, I haven't been entirely clean since I've last posted, but I'm hanging in there and continuing on the journey to someday be P free!

Right now I'm living without Internet, and all I have is cellular data, so I've definitely been watching less videos, and instead, I find myself definitely looking at more images (like just pictures). It's funny- I thought that not having internet would make it harder for me to go on massive binges (because otherwise I'd have to pay a bunch of money for more data), which is true- I haven't had any like multi-hour binges, but at the same time I come back to this old realization that ultimately the desire to quit has to come from inside myself, and I can't totally rely on any mechanism or technology to stop me from PMO-ing. Because the fact is, I'm still able to access images, and once I'm totally in the thrall of P, I can switch to videos even though I know it's going to cost me a bunch of money.

So now it's been about 4 days since I last looked at anything P related, and I'm feeling better again. Honestly, I'm coming to realize my triggers. And oddly enough, one of my big triggers is when I have to clean up the house! Lol. For some bloody reason, cleaning up my place is not really in my DNA, and so when it comes time to do a massive clean of the place, I'll sometimes have a drink to bribe myself to do it, and then often I'll watch P because I'm drunk and I have less inhibitions. Also other triggers are like when I get rejected by a lady, or even by a platonic male friend (both of which have kind of happened in some way shape or form in the last little while).

Anyway, I've been off of P since Sunday evening, and once again I've re-remembered the lesson I've already learned a million times - that P is addictive, destructive, and that even though there is a part of my brain that wants it, the part of my brain that I feel is more "me" most of the time, knows that I have to live a P free life to move forward and be my happiest/best self.

And even though it was a million years ago, thank you Nope, and Jackcan for commenting on my post! Means a lot to me :)

Hope you're all well friends!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #164 on: May 05, 2018, 09:02:59 PM »
Hey everyone!

It's been awhile since I posted but I'm still hanging in there. In that I mean that I'm still struggling and haven't totally gotten this addiction beat (maybe I never will). Last week I had a few relapses mostly with P pictures and a couple of P videos. Now I'm coming out of it and hoping that I'll be able to stay away from it for the next few days.

Whenever I write these posts I feel like such a hypocrite, and as if I have exactly zero credibility. Like anything I say can't be taken seriously. But I do know that after a string of days of PMO-ing I feel horrible, and really antisocial, and not like myself at all, and kind of like I've lost my enthusiasm for life (which as you all know feels horrible, and can hopefully be a good motivator for continuing to move toward recovery). So at least I know in this moment that I must stay away from the stuff because it's not good for me.

For me it's often some little thing that sets me off, back down the road of PMO-ing. And I guess it's good to just recognize that, so that maybe in the future I'll be able to resist a little bit more and stop this thing from snowballing into a full blown multi day relapse :/ This time what set me off was just simply seeing a girl that I have a crush on, and that I felt she wasn't as in to me as I was into her. Haha, it sounds silly to type out like that, but that was basically it. That combined with being tired I think, and also a couple other of life's small disappointments that happen ALL THE TIME. But sometimes they just hook me in the wrong way, and I'll slowly but surely start back down the path towards PMO :/

I just figured I should login and write a little post to help strengthen my recovery :)

I hope everyone's doing well on their path, and keeping strong!

That's all for now!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #165 on: May 06, 2018, 11:55:49 AM »
Hey folks, today is literally day 2 of not watching P. It's so weird how this addiction creeps up on you and tricks you. Like I'll be going good for awhile and then all of a sudden BOOM, I'm back in it over just a small thing. Anyway, I didn't use yesterday, and hopefully I won't use today. It's a beautiful day today, I'm not working so I'm just going to enjoy the day. Honestly I feel that one of the things that sets me off (other than feeling a slight rejection from a crush), is feeling like I have too much on my plate. I just get stressed and then PMO. Instead of just doing the things I need to do one at a time, I feel overloaded and I just don't deal with it. Yesterday I was thinking that one of the things I really need to do is take away some of the stuff that is stressing me out, and like stop adding things to my plate. Often times I'll just add things without thinking about it, thinking that this thing will make me happier, but often times it just adds to all the other things that I already have, and leaves me with no free time. So that's what I want to start doing: really doing things I want, and dropping things I don't feel passionate about.

Have a great day everyone!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #166 on: October 25, 2018, 03:15:39 PM »
Hello everybody!

It's been a long time since I posted, and I apologize for that. The good news is that I'm actually doing alright (fingers crossed). I haven't PMO-ed since June 18th, and I have a girlfriend, and we've been having sex together since mid August!! It's really nice - I've been having real sex again and not PMO-ing.

It's funny- if I hadn't stumbled upon Gabe Deems videos and reboot nation, I probably would still be in that same cycle of PMO-ing and sometimes having real sex, but slowly and gradually moving more and more away from real sex, and more and more towards PMO, and an unhealthy lifestyle. But since learning about Gabes story and then educating myself more and more, I've come to realize how unhealthy PMO is, and how it can come to dominate my life, and distract me from doing things in the real world, and enjoying my life.

So yeah, I guess now, even though on some days I don't feel like it, I'm always thinking about how if I'm not careful I could just slide back into it pretty easily. And I've also added into my personal philosophy the notion that just living in the real world is so so so important. Like these days when I'm having a bad day, or something shitty happens (and let's face it, those kind of things happen on a fairly regular basis - that's just life), I just try to remind myself, tell myself, and remember that "at least you're not watching porn!! No matter how bad it gets, or how bad you're doing, you can at least reflect on and be proud of the fact that you're not PMO-ing, and that you haven't looked at porn for 4 months!!!"

And I know I am going to slip up again, someday. I accept that. But more and more, little by little, I'm moving away from it, and I'm trying to build a life where more and more, I'm constructing support systems where turning to PMO becomes less and less likely.

It's not fuckin' easy! This is honestly one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's taken me two and a half years, since I first came upon Gabe's videos and reboot nation, to internalize these lessons and values, and truly to my best to actually live by them.

And like I said, this stuff is cunning, and sly, and will in some way shape or form just always be there in my life, but I want to do my best to build and keep building these support systems to keep me away from porn, keep me in the real world, and keep me growing into the man I was born to be :)




Now, to the technical details:

I've been able to get and keep erections on a regular basis, although the erections aren't always super hard (although sometimes they are super hard!!) - sometimes after I get hard, my penis will sort of lose it's absolute hardness and go I little bit softer, and maybe only once or twice have I lost my erection completely during sex. I've been able to keep erections during sex!! Woohoo!!

I've also continued to masturbate since June 18th when I last PMO-ed. During sex I've been able to keep erections, but I do notice that my brain is also sometimes still a little bored or distracted. I feel that this is due to my brain still rewiring, and also because I'm still masturbating in between  having real sex, so maybe my sex drive is not as strong as it would be if I was abstaining from masturbation, and only having real intercourse. I could try to not masturbate at all and just have real sex, and maybe I'll try that at some point, but I still enjoy masturbation as like a little treat to myself. But I am aware of the risks. And I realize that if I wasn't to be having real sex, and was idle for a long period of time, I could fall into lots of masturbation.

I feel that as more and more time passes and if I continue to have real sex, my brains will slowly but surely rewire to being super attracted to real women, but I think it'll just take time and work. I AM definitely interested and engaged during real sex when I'm having sex these days, but sometimes my brain is a little bit bored. And I attribute that to many many years of exposure to porn. It'll just take time to heal and fix.


Alright, that's all for now friends! I just wanted to check in, write a post and let you all know how I'm doing :)

I hope my story gives hope and inspiration to people reading! And I just wanted to continue to give back and contribute to the community, because this website/forum has helped me so much :)

Much love to you all!!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 634
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #167 on: November 11, 2018, 06:02:05 AM »
Very happy to read you are doing well, Peace!  :)

I try to adapt your calm and patient mindset, it's really inspiring. Just keep it that way and you will succeed!

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #168 on: April 08, 2019, 12:55:35 PM »
 Hey everyone! Sorry it's been a while since I posted! I just wanted to drop in and say hi and that I'm still here :-) I'll post more soon!
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #169 on: August 19, 2019, 09:14:23 PM »
Hello Fellow Fapstronauts!

Again I must say it's been a long time since I posted (my apologies). It's just a combination of my laziness and life taking it's course, and also that I'm doing relatively OK with my recovery (although not perfect).

I'm able to go about a month now without PMO. I know it's not perfect but I'm pretty proud of it! Even though I definitely slip up every now and again. More and more I'm coming to see PMO as a symptom of negative things in my life (that I need to correct) as opposed to the main issue. For example I know that I suffer from loneliness, and also if I haven't slept well, or I'm not getting enough exercise, all these things lead to PMO! But in particular, the loneliness is definitely something that eats away at my good mental health! So because of this I really want to try to interact with friends and family more, and perhaps moving to a shared living situation with roommates that I truly get along with!

And other than that, just the stresses of normal living can get me down some times. You know - like when you have to do something that's difficult and it causes you stress! This is another realization that I've had: that when I'm stressed out I'm way more likely to PMO! So I'm trying my best to find natural healthy ways to mitigate stress, such as exercising, better diet, more socializing, just having fun, laughing and/or crying when I need to!

I've definitely said this in a past post, but one thing that I really wish wasn't there (in my mind and in the world) is all the negative views and mentalities towards women that porn has put into my head over many many many years of watching it! For example: the other night I was edging and I just really wanted to see some naked women! But then when you go deeper and deeper down the porn trap and you watch a bunch of videos, the way that the men treat the women in the videos is often with very bad values: degrading them (or often basically sexually assaulting them) etc., and whether I like it or not those values go into my mind when I watch it, and then they're there in some way shape or form when I interact with real women in the real world! When the truth is what I really want is to be with a real person to relate to and have real sexual relations that are mutually beneficial and rewarding! But the reality is I'm alone and I'm lonely and so I turn to porn. I see these things in my mind, and I wish they weren't there, and these days one of my biggest challenges is to work with these mentalities that aren't totally me, but are definitely there whether I like them or not. I feel that when I'm with an actual flesh and blood woman and both people consent to it, it's alright to talk dirty or do kind of risqué things, but in a porn video it's totally cut off from any context of a consensual relationship so you don't know if that person really is consenting to what's being done to them while you're watching it, and so it helps to perpetuate really sexist, demeaning mentalities in our minds! This is one of the biggest negative side effects (in my mind) of watching porn.

OK, I don't want this post to be too long, so that you get bored of it! I just wanted to sign in and let you know I'm still here and let you know that I'm still struggling with it! Although usually not struggling on a day-to-day basis thankfully! The way that I view it has really changed and that helps. So basically I just tell myself I'm in recovery, and I don't really care if I slip up every now and again as long as it doesn't turn into a full-blown relapse of day after day after day after day. As long as the majority of my time is spent not PMO-ing then I'm happy! I know I'm going to slip up sometimes! But my hope is that someday I'll be able to be with a partner who can support me and who I can talk to about these issues and in that way find a bit more lasting abstinence from watching pornography. I hope that some of you can relate to what I'm saying! All the best to everyone and much support and much love! I'm sorry I don't post more often :-)

All the best!

-Peace
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here

achilles heel

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 634
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #170 on: August 20, 2019, 10:47:29 AM »
Good to hear from you! :)

If you can go one month, you can also leave this behind completely. The view on women is a strong point against porn and if you don't want to be influenced by those acts seen in the movies, you should leave those memories behind. I know you can do it!  :)

PeaceOfMind062012

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 197
    • View Profile
Re: Finally moving towards recovery!
« Reply #171 on: September 25, 2019, 07:53:02 AM »
Thanks Achilles! That's extremely helpful :-) I'm beginning to develop the belief that I can indeed leave porn behind me forever! Although there's a little doubt in the back of my mind that says "be very careful!" - my confidence is building more and more that I can go without it forever.

So I'm just going one day at a time. Not stressing too much and just not thinking about it too much either. I find that's part of the key to my recovery - just not focusing on it too much (I mean keeping in the back of my mind that it's bad for me and that I can't fap for any reason whatsoever -  in case the urge does come up). Because if I focus on it in either way, (either actually watching it or just really striving not to) either way I'm thinking about it a lot and that just increases my thoughts about it. So now that I'm at a point where I know I can stay away from it (if I take certain steps) I just try to focus on other things in my life! I know it's easier said than done sometimes but right now I'm at least able to do that :-)

I'm just continuing to plug away at it, and continuing to maintain my good mental health. Which includes for me, getting a good sleep, trying to exercise often, and socializing often also! Another fine point which some people don't talk about with mental health all the time is that I think it's really important to listen to your heart and follow your true wants and desires on the inside, kind of like "follow your own inner compass" or something you know? Because I feel that if we don't actually listen to her own inner voices in terms of what we want to do in life then we're going to continuously do all the "right steps" but never be fully who we want to be! Does that make any sense? It's like we're doing all the right stuff on the periphery but neglecting the core of.

So anyway, all that to say that I think a big part of maintaining my good mental health in the long term is to follow my heart (as well as doing all the other things like exercising, getting adequate sleep and socializing). Otherwise all those other forms of maintenance will turn out to be  flimsy and meaningless (without a deep love for myself, and that trust in following my own heart to anchor all those other tools).

Well that's all for now! Nothing major to report I just wanted to check in with y'all!  I just wanted to let you that I'm doing OK. The last time I PMO'ed was probably a month ago - maybe two? Part of not focusing on it is that I don't keep track of the last time I PMO'ed. I find it causes me too much stress to have this date hanging over my head. I just tell myself that I'm in recovery and if I mess up then I don't beat myself up too much about it. Because that causes me more stress, which causes me to go back to PMO! It's that stupid vicious cycle! So anyway I just don't focus on it too much and try my darndest to stay away from the damn stuff.

Have a great day everybody! And stay on the right path! It is totally possible to stay away from porn!! I can't believe I just said that! Four years ago I definitely had my doubts! But now I know for a fact that quitting porn is the one of the best things that's ever happened in my life!

Stay strong and much love to you all :-)

-Peace
« Last Edit: September 25, 2019, 08:03:28 AM by PeaceOfMind062012 »
Never stop healing!

Take a look at my PMO Spreadsheet: Click Here