Author Topic: Journey Journal  (Read 2140 times)

Hahnsolo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 11
    • View Profile
Journey Journal
« on: March 28, 2016, 03:43:46 AM »
Porn... The biggest thing that stands in the way of the man I want to be.

I am 24 yr old guy who is happily married to a wonderful woman who is the mother of my two amazing children ages 3 and 9 mo. About 5 years ago I turned my life around setting goals of the type of man, husband, and father that I wanted to become. I am generally classified by peers to be successful with many things in life which I can only accredit to my wife's dedication and God who point me in the right direction. Although I have come an extremely long way from being that nervous, shy, nerdy high schooler  without a direction I have alway been held up by one thing. Porn.

I was introduced into the world of porn at the age of 12 or 13 and the introduction of Internet and computers kick started a whole new world of lust and self pleasure that got out of control. This new world took me to a new level deviance and secrecy that sadly I have not been able to get rid of to this day. As things got serious in my relationship with my now wife, porn became an issue and was put to rest... at least in the eyes of my wife. There has only been 1 occasion since I "dropped" it 5 years ago that she believes that I have relapsed back into porn. Needless to say I didn't drop it and still give into porn as many times as twice a day. This is twice a day that I pull myself away from my wife and kids without them knowing what I'm doing and give in to a call that truly shames me. All attempts to quit have been failures and I believe support on my journey may be the key to getting me out of this hole.

After learning what I have over the years about this addiction I realized that my mind and memory seems to be one of my biggest losses. I have the most issues with remembering anything that would count as normal memories since I started down the path of porn and I need to change so I don't forget any more important things. I don't even remember most of the relationship I have had with my wife or almost any specifics of my kids lives!!! I am too smart and talented of an individual to be losing something so important to this battle. I am grateful that I have no issues with ED but I know if I continue without changing my course I will be headed that way soon.

My ultimate goal is to stop completely. Its a simple goal but super difficult and I know that I will need help and support. As much as I would love it to come from my wife, she just doesn't understand the depth and the addiction that is truly involved. In the future I hope that I can be just as much of a support for people dealing with this and change the course of someone's life. It is then that I believe that I will have true appreciation of the life God has given me and the opportunities that have always been in front of me, I just have been too blind to see.

Here is to the journey that is to come and the man that we all hope to be someday.

Hahnsolo
« Last Edit: April 16, 2016, 04:18:35 AM by Hahnsolo »

Hahnsolo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 11
    • View Profile
Re: journel of the journey
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2016, 03:36:52 AM »
ive attempted many times to quit PMO. Up until my wife pulled me out of my structured life I never even accepted PMO as a real issue. It didn't hurt anyone and made me feel good, plus it had become such a regular part of my life. As I mentioned before I have learned deviancy and the ability to convince anyone including myself to make certain decisions. As long as I have sound thought and reasoning behind it I always think "it wont be a bad choice". At that point I'm already over the cliff of failures and I think it is because I have always been alone when rebooting. So here I am starting to make an effort and putting my thoughts out on this thread before I relapse into the secrecy that I've been living with for so many years.
As for today I have felt alright. I have a terrible schedule of rotating shifts so thoughts of PMO have time to attack me multiple times a day on top of being tired. It almost seems harder to reboot this time because I am putting my problems out to the world for others to see. It would be super easy for me to crawl into my hole and relapse but this is best hope. It's accountability that I've never had and it scares me.  :-\
Time to get serious

jsplint01

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 42
    • View Profile
Re: journel of the journey
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2016, 05:00:30 AM »
Hey man,

Many people have been in your shoes and I know how it feels to not really have anyone to talk about this.  But even if you don't think you can tell your wife at this point, she does seem to be supportive of you in general and that's huge.  Maybe once you have made some progress, you can have a conversation with her and primarily highlight your success to that point and maybe then it will be easier for her to support you openly with this.  I am not really one to give relationship advice, since I view this as mainly a personal journey but many people may encourage you to tell her anyways.

The biggest thing for me is having a definite plan.  Know your triggers and when you are weakest, avoid and plan for those times as much as possible.  I have also found that having another goal or two is helpful.  Maybe its working out more, maybe its reading, maybe you want to take up a new hobby or spend time with your family.  Whatever it is, it should be replacing the time you would have spent looking at porn.  I view this as not only stopping porn, but generally improving yourself in other ways which can help you grow.

Also, if you have a really hard time, look into putting restrictions on your computer and phone like k9 or app blockers.  It is easier for me to avoid a temptation when its much harder to access.

Best of luck
J

Hahnsolo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 11
    • View Profile
Re: journel of the journey
« Reply #3 on: April 02, 2016, 06:37:59 PM »
I would totally love to make enough progress to be able to bring my wife in on this journey. She really has been a super support for the person I've become ever since i met her. I know that this time one thing must be different, I need to accomplish this on my own. It's a personal fight that started with me and the only way to structure my reboot into something that lasts is if I convince my mind, body, and soul that this battle can and will be won. my wife is a huge part of my life and I know that overcoming this will only bring us closer.
 
As for the plan I'm having trouble putting it in words. I've spent the last several days looking at different forums and gaining as much can knowledge as possible. At this point I'm kinda thinking I should have done more homework before I dove in, but I'm learning quickly. For a long time now I have had a lack of personally fulfilling goals. I've been so stuck on the next car/house project that I've been adding stress to my family and myself which drives me towards pmo.

I've been having a lot of thoughts and that little voice in my head keeps telling me that I can get away for a few minutes to "take care of things," but so far I've held out. I still haven't locked down my triggers and I don't have a definite plan but I'm working hard to get it going. I even saw someone say they have a cooldown method for when things get tough. For now I'm just trucking along, can't believe I've gotten this far with so many times I've been stressed and weak. I know it will be worth it though.

siphus

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 118
    • View Profile
Re: journel of the journey
« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2016, 02:02:17 AM »
I totally get your initial post where you mentioned the feeling that you're being held up by just one thing. But it's  a lingering and nagging one and can be a dramatic drawback. I'm really happy to hear about your good runs. I agree with J, a plan is helpful because events in life sometimes can knock your feet out when you least expect it and you want to be ready. But no matter what, keep working at it, and keep coming here! Welcome to the team,

-siphus

Hahnsolo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 11
    • View Profile
Re: journel of the journey
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2016, 10:38:54 AM »
2 weeks down and it's had its highs and lows. Never relapsed but I've definitely come close. Coming here is a major advantage of this reboot over other reboots and here is what a lot of soul searching has led me to.
First off I realized that I do have some sort of degree of ed. It's nothing crazy and was hard to notice until I read that even needing to fantasize during real sex with my wife was pretty much required to get as aroused as much as I would watching porn. Last night was probably the first night in many years that I enjoyed great sex mostly stimulated from real touch rather than fantasy. It is very hard for me to realize that this addiction has actually caused a result during real sex, but I'm going to accept it and grow from it.
realky the last few days have been going well. It's crazy how one day you feel like the world is coming out of a haze and you start. Noticing more of the little things, and in the same day you come the closest you have come to relapsing in the entire reboot! Even though it's not what I wanted I gave into MO but still stayed away from P.
Triggers are mainly stemming from free time and also pure internet addiction. Rewarding my brain for years with instant knowledge, info, and stimuli (many times sexual) at the click of a button raises my concern for men on this forum as well of all the world. Hopefully Internet and porn addiction as well won't become such a thing to hide as a hurdle to overcome in this technological age.
Time to keep moving forward.

Hahnsolo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 11
    • View Profile
Re: journel of the journey
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2016, 12:58:47 AM »
I'm officially going to eliminate MO. I've been noticing that it seems to be my get out of jail free card since I'm not watching P. But between MO and fantasizing I know it's doing me no good and I might as well be relapsing.
Normally I would put myself down but I'm trying to turn that frustration inside myself and turn it into little learning experiences that I can pick myself up again from. Not near as fun as I want and not easy either. Just pushing forward.
I've been pushing workouts and eating healthier and have full support of my wife in getting healthy. Between getting my health together and having this community I feel like I have set myself up for some degree of success.

Hahnsolo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 11
    • View Profile
Re: Diving deep
« Reply #7 on: April 16, 2016, 12:37:38 AM »
Like I mentioned in my last post eliminating MO as well is an important step. I'm kinda glad I delayed quoting MO bc it difficult as hell! I have never been without a release at arms reach! I keep telling myself that it is just a big mental game that I can and will overcome but my mind is very keen on developing a way slightly around the rules. A way I can deal with an issue without actually while dodging it in some way.
For now I am concentrating on how far I have come and trying to remind myself of why I am commiting to this in the first place, although these rotating 12 hr shifts are weighing on me.

I guess withdrawal means it's working. Bring it on! (Support still required)
« Last Edit: April 16, 2016, 12:58:58 AM by Hahnsolo »

Hahnsolo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 11
    • View Profile
Re: Journey Journal
« Reply #8 on: April 22, 2016, 02:28:48 AM »
Well after what I would call severe withdrawals I relapsed. Almost a month then Anxiety through the roof and a cloudiness that convinced me to reach out to the one place I didn't want to go back to. To make it worse I didn't just stop at MO I went all the way back to PMO. As much as it pains me and how much I want to hide it deep like I have for so many years, but I'm going to do my best to learn from this and move forward. Definitely harder than expected, now I just need to get through this.  >:(
« Last Edit: April 22, 2016, 02:40:42 AM by Hahnsolo »