Author Topic: how do i help him quit?  (Read 2612 times)

hipanemagirl

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how do i help him quit?
« on: March 23, 2016, 01:58:40 AM »
Hello everyone! I'm new here and desperate for help :'(, my BF told me 2 months ago (when we first went on a relationship) that he was trying to quit porn, and I thought it was great! But i never knew how to help him. So I thought he already had began the journey (had definitely quit porn masturbatiom).but today he told me he lied to me cause he kept chatting with porno girls all around the world on some sex /chat this whole time where pictures and sex messages are interchanged. He absolutely wants to quit it, and on some level he started quitting the porn videos but it is just too hard for him to let go of this chat..he already tried sometimes but at the end he gave up almost every day. How can i help him quit it? I'm trying not to feel like he doesn't love me or like he is in some kind of way cheating on me, but it is horribly hard for me. Yesterday he asked me if I could send him some fotos of myself and I did so, but after that he confessed me that he looked at them the same way he looked at nasty porn fotos and that fact scared him..that made me so sad and insecure and I don't want to lose him, but it have to admit that I'm feeling overwhelmed and hurt.. Please could you guys give me some advice in how to proceed? :'(
« Last Edit: March 23, 2016, 10:59:38 AM by hipanemagirl »

Loleekins

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Re: how do i help him quit? The
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2016, 10:56:49 AM »
You can't really help him quit. He has to do this himself. All you can really do is offer to support him. Listen to him when he's feeling stressed. Talk with him about it if he wants to converse. Other than support, there's not much you can do.
Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities --- Voltaire

lilred

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Re: how do i help him quit?
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2016, 03:31:41 PM »
Get rid of everything he uses to do that with.  Take the internet off of his phone.  Make life hell!  you cant make someone stop.  But you can control what is used in your house.  Watch your bank account too for any withdraws.  And if he dont stop, and i dont mean quit or try to stop or quit. 

Objectified1

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Re: how do i help him quit?
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2016, 08:08:19 PM »
I agree with loleekins, there's not much you can do to make him stop. You can't. He has to want to. Put boundaries down and let him know there will be consequences for his behaviour and then wait. If he continues using I would eventually leave but that's always up to you.

punctual doer

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Re: how do i help him quit?
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2016, 11:44:54 PM »
Hello I'm a 21 yo (soon) male and I 'm pretty touched by the fact you're here.
I'm going to give you some advices that can help your BF or you as well.

I suggest you a stupid simple stuff called karezza that could drastically improve your relationship: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6jOp7XmjGY
And also do the "Sexual Transmutation" by Napoleon Hill: thinking about your goals and use the sexual energy to reach excellence. Actually, semen has really important nutrients for the body and its "retention" will definately improve it (I experienced it after 2months clean from M/P in May 2013 where I met my biggest crush).



Here's my personnal tips:
1_Buy a big beautiful copybook.
2_Buy pens.
3_Entitle your copybook's cover "TOMORROW".
4_Take 10 minutes to write down your daily tomorrow plan between 5AM and 9PM.
5_I suggest you to include at least 5 hours of workout per week.
6_When your to do list is 70 or 100% complete at the end of the day, write in red the things that didn't work or that need to be improved next time.
7_Do this every single day.
8_Also if you can, cross a calendar to know the progress you've made.
Keeping a streak like this will improve your good-dopamine pathways (and will destroys the junk-dopamine ones).

WARNING: It is very simple to do. But you have to choose constant commitment over constant novelty. You'll may be irritated or frustrated at first, but then it will be good trust me. ACT RIGHT ON TIME is your mission now. It is so simple to do and ironically very tough. So get ready for that daily tomorrow plan.


AND ALSO, set your goals with a deadline to reach them (5-10-20 years from now for example). Precise your wildest dreams as much as possible, set gradual goals (or "ideal points") in order to feed the gap between your current situation and where you want to be. Step by step.

Get educated with tons of books and videos and audios and pictures on the Internet. Don't forget to GO OUTSIDE and feel that crowd pressure and social anxiety,  it is another good-dopamine pathways remedy. You'll find yourself weird first, but you'll laugh after a while.


I suggest you to follow hollywood star Terry Crews on Facebook or youtube because he dealt with PMO addiction too and now sober for more than 6 years with his wife and kids  he managed to get back, he revealed his learning in his "Dirty Little Secret" video series on Youtube also. I'm reading his book "Manhood" also, powerfull and inspirational.

God bless you.
« Last Edit: March 27, 2016, 11:51:49 PM by punctual doer »

J

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Re: how do i help him quit?
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2016, 04:10:29 AM »
Hello everyone! I'm new here and desperate for help :'(, my BF told me 2 months ago (when we first went on a relationship) that he was trying to quit porn, and I thought it was great! But i never knew how to help him. So I thought he already had began the journey (had definitely quit porn masturbatiom).but today he told me he lied to me cause he kept chatting with porno girls all around the world on some sex /chat this whole time where pictures and sex messages are interchanged. He absolutely wants to quit it, and on some level he started quitting the porn videos but it is just too hard for him to let go of this chat..he already tried sometimes but at the end he gave up almost every day. How can i help him quit it? I'm trying not to feel like he doesn't love me or like he is in some kind of way cheating on me, but it is horribly hard for me. Yesterday he asked me if I could send him some fotos of myself and I did so, but after that he confessed me that he looked at them the same way he looked at nasty porn fotos and that fact scared him..that made me so sad and insecure and I don't want to lose him, but it have to admit that I'm feeling overwhelmed and hurt.. Please could you guys give me some advice in how to proceed? :'(


The fact that he told he was using is good and the fact that he told you he had been trying to quit for some time is huge. For the addict, admitting is the first step. But to be honest with you it will be a roller coaster  the first few months. There are landmarks that are harder than others. 30 days without it is great, but the real challenge is the first 3 months. But on top of that it depends on how long he has been using and what he is viewing. The more time passes the worse it gets. Him telling you sounds like a cry for help. He is going to get depressed, specially if he went on a period of time without it and then gave into it. If feels like a failure when that happens.

He will also need to commit to some lifestyle changes, and one of the most important things that is suggested for addicts is abstinence. Even from normal sex with their partner for a length of time. The point is that even if he stops, the porn is still in his "system". The images take time to go away, but they do fade with time. The reason I say that the first 3 months are rough is because one of the most common things is irritability, mood swings and sometimes insomnia. If he really wants to stop and has been struggling back and forth then I would suggest he gets therapy. It's really hard to kick it off by yourself because of the lack of accountability, which is why it is important to tell someone.

Now, I understand that you are not married to him. That might change the playing field and also you really need to think about how involved you want to be. You sending him photos of yourself is not going to help him get over the images. That's why abstinence is recommended. If you love this guy and he loves you then it's a necessary decision. But if you don't see yourself with him for the rest of your life then I honestly think that you two being together might be a bad idea in the long run.

You can help your BF as a supporter, but he needs to make a serious decision if he wants to get over this. He will need to create new positive habits to replace the rush he is getting from porn use.

I am sure there are other people here that will have more advice to offer. Best of luck and hope this forum is able to help.



RecoveryJunkie

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Re: how do i help him quit?
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2016, 09:59:11 PM »
Hi Hipanemagirl!

This PMO is a real problem and I have unwittingly hurt many good women because of this addiction. I was engaged to be married a couple years ago and she left me because she thought I wasn't attracted to her. We did love each other very much but I was not honest about the extent of my porn use and it got to a point where we were not even having sex barely anymore. That was a year ago.

I really started admitting to myself and a therapist (after she left me) that this was a serious issue but was unable to stay away from PMO until I met a wonderful strong and caring woman. This is what she did for me...

When I told her about 3 weeks into dating that I had PIED and was a PMO addict, she told me she would sleep on it. I fully expected her to call off the new relationship. The next day, she told me she thought it was very impressive that I had been honest with her about my problem (hardest thing I've ever had to do, no joke because I really liked her)... Then she told me that she would support me but that she would not accept relapse of any kind. 

The result is that I haven't watched P or Med in about 45 days and we have been 100% honest with each other. She is out of the country right now and our relationship is at a point where we are falling in love with each other. No intercourse and one O for me after 30 days. It's extreamly hard but worth it. Had she not been stern with me about her boundaries with respect to relapse I may have fallen but as it stands I just miss her like crazy and don't even think about PMO. Or any combination thereof in whole or in part lol.

Tell him you will not stick around for any bs and back it up with your actions. If he deos not believe you. Leave. That is my advice to you from someone who has benefited from it.

Good luck!

RJ

offaxis

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Re: how do i help him quit?
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2016, 11:34:26 AM »
The best thing you can do is leave. Take a break from the relationship for six months until he cleans up his act.

You can do that in a loving and supportive way. It doesn't mean ending the relationship, instead just putting boundaries around what you can and cannot accept. It doesn't mean going off with anyone else. But until he has to face up to the consequences and take responsibility, he won't.

He has to find the motivation in himself to change. And while he has you and the porn, he has everything he wants. But that isn't fair on you. Still see each other but cool it off. If you live together, move out if you can. Don't have sex. This will make him realise how serious this is to you. Otherwise he does not have to face the consequence he'll lose you. This may sound harsh, and it is, but it is the way to shock him into cleaning himself up. He needs to decide what is more important, you or the porn.

Please don't send him anymore compromising photos of yourself. That really isn't helping him. Would you give crack to a crack addict? No. Why does he want pictures when he can have the real thing? Because he's an addict and needs to straighten himself out. Personally, I would ask him too to delete the pictures he has of you. If he loves and respects you, he will.

I can appreciate you love him and your heart won't want to do these things and will feel it's hurtful to him. And it is. But it's also hurtful to stay. Unfortunately, this is the reality of where you are. It's horrible and there's no easy way out. This isn't a problem you can solve for him. He has to solve it. And you certainly can't solve it with your heart by being nice, giving to him and so on. If you go down that path, you'll end up in a codependent relationship, which you really don't want.

I am telling you all this from the perspective of an addict. It really is a case of being cruel to be kind.

It's positive that he disclosed to you. That's a good first step towards being honest and open. When I disclosed to my wife after our marriage broke down, I wanted her to take me back there and then. For everything to be alright. But I was not facing up to things and just wanted it all to go away really. So I am glad and grateful to her that she didn't take me back then - even though I was very angry and hurt at the time. Only later can I see positive change on me wouldn't have been possible otherwise.