Author Topic: I know I'm awesome, and I need time, help and action to become actualised  (Read 69269 times)

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
Dude, I'm in exactly the same place, for just about the same reason.

A lot to take in, a lot to accept. I couldn't have said it better.
I remembered your good self when I was writing this, BlueSun. I remembered the essence of your comments regarding M and other topics. We definitely have stuff in common. I agree with 'a lot to accept' too. I think I'm slowly accepting this though. Re: Day-dreaming, it's quite revelatory as on some level, I've known that I've done it for a long time, but right now, I can see that it takes me from the 'now'. This is the same thing as sexual fantasy. Replacing life with something that isn't real. An exciting insight! And, thanks man :)

Therapy is helping me immensely.

Thanks for posting Williams words too, dude... Forgot to thank you yesterday.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
Because our brains are hardwired to dopamine addiction, we need to be brutal (while being compassionate) with ourselves in order to change. Brutality toward the hardwired and habituated brain, and compassionate toward ourselves- who are not an addiction, nor are we our brains.

You can do this.

Thanks, Leon. I guess I do believe it, but I'm being humble :)

And, only this morning, I was thinking about the fact that we'll have to be brutal with this thing. You put it well; brutal towards the habituated brain and compassionate towards ourselves. The only bit I disagreed with here, was that I think we are our brains, though agree that we are not the addiction.

Thanks for the closing boost. Great to hear from you, too ;)
« Last Edit: June 05, 2016, 05:28:13 PM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
I had MW today. I was tired from little sleep (5 hrs), so really didn't want to get out of bed, especially on a Sunday. Staying in bed with MW, which subsided, but nonetheless left urges, was a bit tough, and my first real challenge since MO reset. The urges passed after 1 hour. It's fine, but just to be vigilant for future. And, I'm sure it won't be my last challenge. Hey, but if it was... Who would complain??? :D

Good quality sleep is a must , and so, I'm getting off.

Night all x
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
Man... I've been thinking quite a bit this weekend, but, not in a partic constructive way.

I just read part of a post re: gay guys and the pitfalls they have to negotiate going to the gym and watching weightlifting videos. Yesterday I went onto a health & fitness website to read yet another [insert random number] of things you should/shouldn't eat/do/drink/be etc... to become super-human! lol, and saw a picture of a woman showing her midriff, I got a 'twitch', think it was mental now, but, what does it matter. Mind or body, we have to be vigilant.

I've read that guys who are married/with somebody have it easier, but I know that will bring with it frustrations and provocations. Just as being single or with nobody will bring it's own too.

I know myself that sometimes the wording we use may piss each other off. Or when we abstract a post from even a day or two before, and 'brings it into the now' ie. making it the latest post, this can affect the wave of positivity we're riding.

Just now on social media I was looking at a profile or two, and then realised I was looking at a P-sub or two (literally two). What the hell!

Anyways... Just a quick post on some of the things been thinking about.

This morning, I just having a laugh to myself or all the triggery bullshit that's out in the world. How sexualised it is (pornified actually, to the point of keeping us all frustrated!). I know many of you/us have spoke about this. Anyways... Just light-heartedly (about a tough subject) shooting the breeze.

Peeeeace
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
I was tired last night, but couldn't sleep. Ate too much crap yesterday (not usually me of late) and this messed me up a little. Lying awake. Tempted to engage in sexualised thought. Tempted to 'slightly M'. Didn't do either. Looked at my penis and realised how much of my life I've spent in a solo-relation with it, and no wonder these thoughts creep in at night and mornings.

I'm motivated by everybody's posts and talk of urges subsiding as time goes on. Reading Jon64's post yesterday, I think, about him not knowing that in previous reboots that the urges have/would virtually subside, I related to that. I'm motivated by myself also.

I'm remembering that one has to take care of the body and mind for this.

Here's to moving forward, fine gents.


Peeeeace
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

malando

  • Global Moderator
  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 1069
  • Personal Text
    Something deep should be here, but it isn't...
    • View Profile
Man... I've been thinking quite a bit this weekend, but, not in a partic constructive way.

I just read part of a post re: gay guys and the pitfalls they have to negotiate going to the gym and watching weightlifting videos. Yesterday I went onto a health & fitness website to read yet another [insert random number] of things you should/shouldn't eat/do/drink/be etc... to become super-human! lol, and saw a picture of a woman showing her midriff, I got a 'twitch', think it was mental now, but, what does it matter. Mind or body, we have to be vigilant.

I've read that guys who are married/with somebody have it easier, but I know that will bring with it frustrations and provocations. Just as being single or with nobody will bring it's own too.

I know myself that sometimes the wording we use may piss each other off. Or when we abstract a post from even a day or two before, and 'brings it into the now' ie. making it the latest post, this can affect the wave of positivity we're riding.

Just now on social media I was looking at a profile or two, and then realised I was looking at a P-sub or two (literally two). What the hell!

Anyways... Just a quick post on some of the things been thinking about.

This morning, I just having a laugh to myself or all the triggery bullshit that's out in the world. How sexualised it is (pornified actually, to the point of keeping us all frustrated!). I know many of you/us have spoke about this. Anyways... Just light-heartedly (about a tough subject) shooting the breeze.

Peeeeace
I think it's more or less the same regardless of sexual orientation. We live in a highly sexualised world with images everywhere. You have to practically sequester yourself off from mainstream media or even walking down the street in summer to avoid it. Personally I don't find the real world triggers me that much. I might have a fleeting thought if I see a hot girl, but it's nothing like the easy access full-frontal assault of porn. I doubt the real world would cause me to relapse. If I was going to relapse it would be the internet and getting tempted to go looking for images. I can see how things posted on FB, Instagram etc can act as gateway triggers though.

As far as it being easier to be in a relationship vs being single, I'm not sure about that one. It probably depends on the nature of the problem. I think if you have full blown PIED, then it's easier being single because you don't have a relationship to maintain and you aren't constantly disappointing and upsetting a partner. But if you are relatively functional with a reasonable sex drive, it's probably easier to have a partner because you still have a legitimate sexual outlet - you only have to give up the artificial stuff but you can still have the real stuff.

Just my 2c.
M.

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
Man... I've been thinking quite a bit this weekend, but, not in a partic constructive way.

I just read part of a post re: gay guys and the pitfalls they have to negotiate going to the gym and watching weightlifting videos. Yesterday I went onto a health & fitness website to read yet another [insert random number] of things you should/shouldn't eat/do/drink/be etc... to become super-human! lol, and saw a picture of a woman showing her midriff, I got a 'twitch', think it was mental now, but, what does it matter. Mind or body, we have to be vigilant.

I've read that guys who are married/with somebody have it easier, but I know that will bring with it frustrations and provocations. Just as being single or with nobody will bring it's own too.

I know myself that sometimes the wording we use may piss each other off. Or when we abstract a post from even a day or two before, and 'brings it into the now' ie. making it the latest post, this can affect the wave of positivity we're riding.

Just now on social media I was looking at a profile or two, and then realised I was looking at a P-sub or two (literally two). What the hell!

Anyways... Just a quick post on some of the things been thinking about.

This morning, I just having a laugh to myself or all the triggery bullshit that's out in the world. How sexualised it is (pornified actually, to the point of keeping us all frustrated!). I know many of you/us have spoke about this. Anyways... Just light-heartedly (about a tough subject) shooting the breeze.

Peeeeace
I think it's more or less the same regardless of sexual orientation. We live in a highly sexualised world with images everywhere. You have to practically sequester yourself off from mainstream media or even walking down the street in summer to avoid it. Personally I don't find the real world triggers me that much. I might have a fleeting thought if I see a hot girl, but it's nothing like the easy access full-frontal assault of porn. I doubt the real world would cause me to relapse. If I was going to relapse it would be the internet and getting tempted to go looking for images. I can see how things posted on FB, Instagram etc can act as gateway triggers though.

As far as it being easier to be in a relationship vs being single, I'm not sure about that one. It probably depends on the nature of the problem. I think if you have full blown PIED, then it's easier being single because you don't have a relationship to maintain and you aren't constantly disappointing and upsetting a partner. But if you are relatively functional with a reasonable sex drive, it's probably easier to have a partner because you still have a legitimate sexual outlet - you only have to give up the artificial stuff but you can still have the real stuff.

Just my 2c.
M.

Hi Malando,

Please, I like the 2c.

I don' think I explained myself properly. I don't think it's any different regarding sexual orientation either and, yep, the 'frustrations and provocations' I mentioned were exactly what you mention about disappointments in relationships (on both sides, I reckon). I was trying to say, that I don't think either single or relationship status comes without it's own challenges. Also, without sounding sycophantic... I agree too that with a partner and things being 'relatively functional', to use your words, it would probably be easier. I like your use of probablys etc... as for me, I know these situations all come with many nuances. I'm presuming that's why you use the unfixed language.

That's too cool that the real world isn't triggering you. Happy to say, that's where I'm at at the moment, unless there is some chemistry and flirting, then it does affect me, again gladly, in a biological way :D (even that isn't totally true, as last week I was stressed, surrounded by women with some flirting, and... nothing. Anyways, I digress).

I hear you on the mainstream media and searching for images... let us not go looking for those, ay buddy? :D That's my plan, anyway.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Chip

  • Guest
Sounds like your making positive strides, recognizing triggers before its an issue.  That's Cool!  That's growth Bro!  Keep it up, be vigilant to sneaky thoughts trying to tip-toe in the back of your mind.  It tough sometimes since they try to sell everything these days with sex... :o

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
Sounds like your making positive strides, recognizing triggers before its an issue.  That's Cool!  That's growth Bro!  Keep it up, be vigilant to sneaky thoughts trying to tip-toe in the back of your mind.  It tough sometimes since they try to sell everything these days with sex... :o

Thanks bro! :)
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
Hypersexuality:

"Sexual addiction or hypersexuality is defined as a dysfunctional preoccupation with sexual fantasy, often in combination with the obsessive pursuit of casual or non-intimate sex; pornography; compulsive masturbation; romantic intensity and objectified partner sex for a period of at least six months."



Maaaan, Things are becoming clearer by the day.

Insight, sharing, experience, history, reflection... not partic in that order!

Real glad to be here and be participating with the healing process with the many people who give so freely.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

BlueSun

  • Guest
Wow.  Copying this into mine.

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
Wow! Did it resonate? No 'must' to answer that, I just wanted to put the opportunity there :)

H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

BlueSun

  • Guest
Well fyg, MW is a blessing and a curse isn't it.  And where else in the world can we talk about it so damn openly ?!?  And in a way that isn't triggery, yet respectful.  Mine is starting to come back.  And so I'm starting to look into the cold shower business.  Not a whole lot excited about the prospect of putting ice cold water on my body, but i aint stokin the fires any more. 
 
The urges pass.  The urges pass.  The urges pass. 

Quote
I just read part of a post re: gay guys and the pitfalls they have to negotiate going to the gym and watching weightlifting videos.

The Gym.  I am discovering I'm terrified.  For so many reasons.  Cuz i'm a 40-something with a modest yet real spare tire around my waist.  Cuz i've realized I've got a warped brain, and i sexualize everyone I see.  Because the gym is full of reasons to stare and reasons to fantasize.  Because I don't feel like I have control over my junk, and the shower part... what if I get wood, what if I stare... quite frankly I'm thinking about avoiding it all and just wearing extra deodorant. That's not very healthy either.  This is all garbage I was afraid of in high school.  In junior high.  Before that.  It makes me feel that much more broken.  At the same time, avoiding the gym is not an option.  Fitness is fundamental. 

You are right.  "Mind or body, we have to be vigilant."

Quote
all the triggery bullshit that's out in the world. How sexualised it is (pornified actually, to the point of keeping us all frustrated!).

Yes.

Quote
Maaaan, Things are becoming clearer by the day.

And YES.

Finally, about the definition of hypersexuality.  OMG.  I sent another member a (probably tooo) long  email about just that yesterday.  I'm probably going to edit some of it and post it on my journal.  I spent the weekend at comicon.  Many beautiful people.  And I spent the weekend trying not to sexualize everyone.  And by the end of the weekend I was sooooo tired.  Because it required every bit of focus I had.  Because I did it to everyone.  Positively everyone.

Each time I perseverated on 'bikini areas' i would try to bring my attention to hair style, or teeth and smile, or shoes, or -- god forbid -- their costume after all it was comicon.  But generally I saw sexualized body objects first and had to force myself to see people.  It made me sick.  I have never felt more broken.  This is certainly a 'bottom' of this addiction.  I have become the thing I try not to be: an objectifying sexualizing pig.  It makes the need to heal that much more real. 

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
Hey good buddy.

I just deleted a load that related to your post, but from my own experience. It was too much about me, and not a response to you.

I hear you, BlueSun. A lot of your words resonate with me, and I sympathise. I won't undermine your words, as I know this stuff we're looking at can be emotive.

Yes, there can't be many other places where we can talk of these things so openly. MW, yes, a blessing and a curse, but I'm glad yours are coming back. If it helps, cold showers are okay, once you start to get used to them. I've been ill lately, as well as having withdrawals, so I've knocked them on the head a little. But try them. Start warm and go colder... Introduce yourself to the lower temps ;) But sure, our body doesn't naturally crave ice cold showers :) They really wake you up, and make you feel really good and positive. Colder though, does take your breath away, so be prepped. I remember these last words from an article I read on the net!

For the rest of your words, again, I hear them, buddy! I think you did some real good work at the weekend. I too have started to concentrate on peoples other features to detract from 'bikini areas'. You may be working harder than me in this dept. We're all different. You may have read about my uncontrollable junk too, in previous posts. For me, it's when I think there is some reciprocal interest and proximity to the person.

Apologies if I sound preachy... I hope that's helped and I wanted to reciprocate a little. Let's keep going, brother!!!!

Respect!!

PS. I'm changing my footnote from urges subside to urges pass! A little joke, but nonetheless, important! And like that, all I remember now, are the words "Urges pass!".
« Last Edit: June 06, 2016, 12:36:30 PM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

BlueSun

  • Guest
Don't hesitate to share stuff about you.  That's the stuff that helps :)

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
Thanks :)
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
I went to a show this evening, with a new friend. We got talking to two sisters during the show, even though my friend did most of the talking... I instigated the chat after he failed to get their attention. We carried on talking afterwards. It was cool.

I've grown in confidence over the last year or so, but over the last few weeks, I've definitely noticed a change in myself even further.

I'm starting conversations and reciprocating with people I meet on say the train or bus. I've chatted with shop-staff in a way that is new (I'm realising people just talk to you if you're confident enough to chat - people naturally want to talk). I feel more alert and definitely more motivated.

I've been working to beat old patterns of procrastination regarding study and life, and I am doing therapy to look at my wider self. Though for me, this process here is more than just about porn. I can't find the words right now, and that's okay. Ah, okay, so, it's definitely about being in the moment and about being REAL. Not escaping reality, and one of those escapes has been porn and fantasy.

My new found confidence and increasing sense of agency over self is from the work I've just mentioned, but, it can be no coincidence, as I've read other brothers sharing the same thoughts, it's also HAS to be from this process.

That's all I wanna write. Writing something positive like that, and owning and having faith that this process is working feels like a real thing. It feels like opening up a vulnerability. But in a good way. But still, I am cautious. And that's okay too.

Peace RN. It's way past my bedtime. Sleep's important if we're gonna wup this sucka'!

Night x

edit: maaan, that could really read better, but, I won't change it. I think I've managed to say this process is changing me for the better in a clear enough way, if not. Just said it again :)
« Last Edit: June 06, 2016, 07:17:03 PM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Branch

  • Guest
You're getting stronger, fyg.  Bravo!  Keep it going!

Chip

  • Guest
I went to a show this evening, with a new friend. We got talking to two sisters during the show, even though my friend did most of the talking... I instigated the chat after he failed to get their attention. We carried on talking afterwards. It was cool.

I've grown in confidence over the last year or so, but over the last few weeks, I've definitely noticed a change in myself even further.

I'm starting conversations and reciprocating with people I meet on say the train or bus. I've chatted with shop-staff in a way that is new (I'm realising people just talk to you if you're confident enough to chat - people naturally want to talk). I feel more alert and definitely more motivated.

I've been working to beat old patterns of procrastination regarding study and life, and I am doing therapy to look at my wider self. Though for me, this process here is more than just about porn. I can't find the words right now, and that's okay. Ah, okay, so, it's definitely about being in the moment and about being REAL. Not escaping reality, and one of those escapes has been porn and fantasy.

My new found confidence and increasing sense of agency over self is from the work I've just mentioned, but, it can be no coincidence, as I've read other brothers sharing the same thoughts, it's also HAS to be from this process.

That's all I wanna write. Writing something positive like that, and owning and having faith that this process is working feels like a real thing. It feels like opening up a vulnerability. But in a good way. But still, I am cautious. And that's okay too.

Peace RN. It's way past my bedtime. Sleep's important if we're gonna wup this sucka'!

Night x

edit: maaan, that could really read better, but, I won't change it. I think I've managed to say this process is changing me for the better in a clear enough way, if not. Just said it again :)
I am so proud of you.  The changes I see in you everyday just astound me and fill me with hope.

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
Thank you very much, guys. That is so great for me to hear, and I, and we need it. Let's do this.

Peace.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Boo

  • Guest
fyg,

Your latest thoughts are sounding less scattered and more coherent. Your newly realized confidence should start to influence each day in a more positive way. You're moving in a good direction.

RecoveryJunkie

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 111
    • View Profile
Good job bro. I noticed that in myself that the conversations with people started to flow with ease after about a month. You got this! Stay on the path, we got your back!
RJ

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
Boo, I'll take the 'less scattered and more coherent' as the compliment, I know it's mean to be :D, but really, thank you. It is influencing each day. It's still ups and downs, but I'm 'taking the victories' along the way. Something I've done less so in the past. And RJ, I've been reading your posts and saw the same things happening for you! Thank you, man.


Here's to staying on the path! Onwaaaaaards x
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Leon

  • Guest
That's all I wanna write. Writing something positive like that, and owning and having faith that this process is working feels like a real thing. It feels like opening up a vulnerability. But in a good way. But still, I am cautious. And that's okay too.

Good observations about yourself in this process, fyg. And it's so true that what's linked to our self-control is male virility and assertiveness. When we're struggling, and peeking at this and that, allowing our male force to seep out, it's something that undermines and weakens our confidence and creativity.

Women certainly notice this, they sense our uneasiness, our lack of confidence, our shame. Our work suffers, too, as we lack a certain edge, a sharpness that would otherwise be there when we're in control of ourselves.

As you continue forward, you can expect that inner strength to be noticeable, and available to you in your other endeavors. A crisp and sharp mind, and a new found confidence around others.

Encouraged by the changes you're making.   

fyg

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *****

  • 574
  • Personal Text
    C R E A T E Y O U R L I F E
    • View Profile
I came back from college last night, and I started to doubt as to whether I am or have been addicted to Porn. A couple of hours later, I started looking up for the checklist to see if I am addicted to porn, or if I am hypersexual: addicted to sex.

The fact that I have dealt with the majority of my adult life with M, fantasy and porn should indicate to me that my sex life/life has been dysfunctional should be enough of a cue. But it's not enough to stop doubts coming in!

Yesterday I celebrated a 'small victory' (that I referred to as a victory - not arrogantly) in that things are turning around, and a few of you guys acknowledged this, and the better direction, I'm going in. I wrote that I haven't celebrated my victories during journeys in the past, and that's true. So it was needed.

But, I hadn't anticipated the doubting question that came up in my mind last night of "are you addicted to porn?". This caused me to doubt myself. Looking at my history from last night, I searched for hypersexuality checklists for one hour. I was looking for confirmation. I wanted proof, but what-ever-the-fuck-I-was-doing was robbing me of relaxation - I'm aware that this process will be a sacrifice of relaxation, but nonetheless. Last night was the first time I touched myself in a masturbatory way in a week (since last MO), not to fantasy, but just for some enjoyment, or some feeling, or anything! It wasn't for long at all, but my resolve was weakened. It made me think of Boo's WHY?, which I'll mention in the next paragraph; but it made me think of this as the question "am I addicted to porn?", very obviously showed a chink or gaping hole, whatever you wanna call it, in my armour.


I've thought about Boo's WHY? for giving up last night... I quote from last night, right now I would be too frustrated to write this... "...and lately the improvements I've seen, better state-of-mind and happiness (that have had before too) are moving themselves into the place of 'a reason' that was hitherto, empty. “

Though this morning, what genuinely felt like a real biological urge from my crotch, like my body wanted to O. I stroked it just a few times… No problem. But then stopped. Then I fantasised a little… Started to feel the “ah, fuck it” mentality…

I could carry on a write about how I was undecided on how to deal with this reboot re: M to sensation to relieve pressure and anger and to engage with a biological need in a healthy way… but I will later.

Right now I need to post.

Peace
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex