Author Topic: I know I'm awesome, and I need time, help and action to become actualised  (Read 65828 times)

fyg

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Hello all,

It’s good to be here on this forum. I’m posting as about three weeks ago I fell-off-the-horse around 85 days heading for 90 days PMO free.

I’ve been dabbling with these forums and looking at the science intermittently since 2011, which is around when I found YBOP. I’d been thinking of giving up porn a couple of years before that. I’m writing from a point in time, now. I’m 40 years old.

My use of porn nowadays is limited, but in the past, I used to browse for hours-on-end, with multiple tabs open; searching for my ideal ‘woman’, or scene. Like many of us, I know from reading on forums like this, I’ve wasted, and still waste, not so much on porn, but on other pointlessly shit things, LOTS of time. The last week or so has seen me PMO a few times, maybe the chaser effect* on the back of a ONS I had the other week (a first for me – I only mention this here as it’s part of a positive change in my sex-life – will touch on this later/another time  :) ).

I’ve been on a journey, I would say for just over ten years now. From when I did some intensive group therapy after recreational and self-medicating drug and alcohol use, a somewhat dysfunctional family history, and some other, not insignificant, Life and trauma stuff had brought me to a place and position that allowed me to start again - the therapy taught me to love people/again. Right now, I'm a mature student at university. If you’d asked me, would I be here, ten years ago, I’m pretty sure I’d have laughed in your face. I guess I had the potential, but never followed through. My journey continues; at the moment, I’m not in a great place, but not a wholly terrible one either. I'm procrastinating on becoming truly Awesome (something I think we can all do). Some of my anger, frustration and unhappiness has returned. I can be terribly/f***ing apathetic at times. It can be draining for me, and I'm sure for people around me. Though! this is countered with feeling fantastic on the odd day. An undulating feeling that gives me hope, as in the past, I’ve experienced this when going through change.

My history of actively trying to give up porn is like this; over the last 8 months, I’ve tried to give up twice, and then maybe two or three serious times before that, going back to 2011 - having reached around the 90 day mark on three or four occasions. I’ve seen, like some of you guys, that a real interest in women pools-up/returns (it could be coincidence, but I think maybe not) around this point. My problem, is sticking with that, and staying away from PMO past this point, or before it!

This last attempt (or maybe, continuation ;) ) started with the 30 day PMO challenge, mainly because it was an existing framework that I could use. To be honest, it's a bit too subscriptive for me… like doing kegel exercises and press-ups etc.. That isn’t for me (though fitness, gym and yoga can be and are a thing for me). The day I PMO’d, I was hung-over, a trigger for me. At the time, I enjoyed the release (hopefully that isn’t a trigger for others me mentioning that), but just after, I didn’t beat myself up, I wasn’t really disappointed – it was just that it wasn’t in-line with what I want, and that is to become an actualised guy with a healthy sex life that is part of a bigger picture ;) edit: I’m a bit disappointed right now though, as continuing to PMO this last week or so, as mentioned already, isn’t where I want to be and is probably undoing some of my good work.

Anyway, I've been procrastinating on posting for a week now, rewriting etc... so I'll press the review and then post button; more can follow. I'll hope to be interacting on here and looking forward to joining in, getting help and helping. Historically, I've tended to do (or not do!!) everything myself, but I know this won't get me to where I need to be, anymore! Because of that, I can also be selfish with my time... But I'm working on it.(edit: that's both true and not true! - I can be selfish with my headspace/time, but give masses of my time away too, not accomplishing what I need)... Anyways...

Take care and Best Wishes

fyg

edit: I also gave up sugar around the same time as giving up P, so motivation to eat healthy and experiment (via recipes), eat new foods + go for runs with a reward-blend afterwards helped I'm quite sure!
« Last Edit: March 27, 2017, 07:17:58 AM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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5 days into a no PMO. No libido. Been for a run this morning. Showered, fed and watered, and bored. I'm not gonna PMO but I have no enthusiasm to do anything. This day will pass though, I know.

My thing is I meet quite a few women due to being at uni, but don't do anything about it. I worry that they will find out that I am talking to multiple women, and then I will have no chance (too paranoid). I think this is partly based in that I don't know how to be a friend to a woman (this is not totally true, as if there is no spark or potential spark, hot or not, then I'm cool with it. Though! If they're hot, there is usually a spark from my end).

So with women, when I start to build a relationship, I back off - as, I think it scares me on some level(s). I also think that there will be expectation from them to get into a relationship... Which! Is compounded, by the fact that I play into this by doing the 'right thing' aka what I think they want - when I don't actually know what they want! Historically, If I like a girl a lot, I generally lose my shit and become desperate. Incorporate that I also lose interest in women when other 'opportunities' aka other women come along, as I think I see them as pixels personified and present, rather than human beings, maybe!?! Or maybe I just want to be intimate with somebody.

I know nobody asked me to answer this 'question', but I'm splurging; as is my thing, at times. Like a normal conversation where people reciprocate in a relaxed manner, imagine that.

Anyways, this post is bit angsty. Just one of them days, I guess.

Flatlining, I reckon, day 5 of PMO.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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Did I use porn today? No
What were my triggers? Alcohol (hangover), anxiety from hangover and neural pathways/habit of hangover historically = PMO
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Went for run, and chilled in my room for a while (live in house-share)
What am I grateful for today? A comfortable bed
Day counter! 6
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Jailbird

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Hi FYG.
It may be that your post just saved me from a relapse. I'm hung over right now and was seriously thinking of opening up my fave vids from 'that' site. But reading about your situation put things in context. I won't go for a run though - I'm going to just let it go.
Thanks dude.

fyg

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Hi Jailbird,

I'm glad my post may have helped you! That's great to hear that my/our posts can do that for you and others, right?!

I'll just say, Great!

Like you said about 'letting it go', I want to let it go too, so that when I'm in a position, excuse the pun (a bit of humour to make the journey easier isn't too bad, surely ;) ), to be with somebody, I'll be in a healthier place.

Thanks for posting man.

Best :)
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Gabriel1960

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I grew up in a household where we would celebrate weight loss by having an ice cream sundae.   No joke.

Why not celebrate one month of freedom from PMO by engaging in PMO?  That's my sick mind for you.   I've actually been on hard mode this past week because my spouse has been in Florida this week visiting relatives.  It goes back to the old Airplane! movie joke: "I guess I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!"

I'll be OK today.  One day, one hour, sometimes one minute at a time. 

Gabriel

fyg

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Did I use porn today? No
What were my triggers? N/A
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress? Going to the gym and went for walk (fresh air!) - this is/was not reactionary soothing but proactive stuff for my wellbeing - P is only part of the story, it's not my whole life.
What am I grateful for today? It's a lovely day out
Day counter! 1

Love to all on this fine day :) - I'm not apposed to terms like bro-love etc (they're pretty cool)... but I reserve the right to be non-normative; even though we have come on leaps and bounds, and guys show love and friendship to one-another more-so nowadays, I think archetypal ways of 'being a man' are still heavily present. Anyways... I'm off.

Ta ta for now
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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You know what... Fuck it... this is the place to post!

The gym... I wanna go there... but, I hate the masculinist impulse that permeates the place... men, being 'real' men... aka... ignorant grunting mother fuckers... forget it!

The media... full of shit! The BBC employs how many 1000's of people? And all they cart out is banal mediocre horseshit, that's about as informative as a McDonald's meal... 0% nutrition... 80% bullshit

The dating game... TOTALLY FUCKED UP!!! BE A REAL MAN!!! IE. A MANIPULATIVE MOTHER_FUCKER - WITH GAME!!! - actually, even though that's what 80% of the stupid pricks out there believe - AND, unfortunately IS SO VERY TRUE- WOMEN LOVE A GUY WHO HAS DIRECTION ( aka... a façade of direction, rather than a real one - please check the suages of horseshit on youtube!!!) - I actually hate the fact that women prefer an asshole who is willing to bullshit them, than a guy who just wants to have a good time - It's biology, right????

The entire world is chilled with the status quo as long as it's getting it's cock sucked... aka... who gives a fuck what's going in the world as long as I can exist - no matter how limited that existence is!!!

I'm drunk... this probably sounds like a load of bollocks... but... I'm tired, man. I'm tired of the fact that life is so fucking hard, at times! I'm tired of the fact that the whole world tries to fuck the other over, and that the one doing the fucking is seen as the ALPHA MALE!!! HE BRINGS HOME THE BACON!!! FUCK IT!!!
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Jailbird

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Mate.

Im not going to put my arm around you and tell you its all going to be O-K. But remember that you arent alone in your anger. I too used to go to the gym, but one day I arrived in the changing rooms and the honk of men, the sound of them, their over ripped biceps and machista attitude, and I turned around and walked the hell out of there. Never went back. Got on my bike instead and ramped around the local forest - just like we did when we were nippers.

The dating game? Shit, I have been out of that for a while, actually never really part of it. I an friends with a several women (London) who have been actively looking for partners, some of them for years, without success. They often complain to me about the smoke and mirrors involved in dating .... you are not alone amigo!

Nothing wrong with getting drunk fyg, and you are making sense, not talking bollocks.

JB

Dominator76

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I feel your pain brother. I also have that kind of thoughts about the world REALLY often but you know...nothing is black or white and I think we should kick the beta/alpha labels out since nothing  is static and things vary from day to day. No one is alpha all the time...or beta.

Let´s do this! Get up and fight with us!

fyg

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Guys, I really appreciate your posts! I'll be back. Hungover a little again today and will post when my heads a bit clearer ;)

Looked at P earlier, so have set up K9 web protector and gonna start with a 30 day no PMO... Anyways... I'll post again and answer posts.

Thanks!!
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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Thanks JB - I appreciated your post mate. Some of the stuff I wrote were old memories coming up, whilst (while, I would say to people in spoken conversation!! ha ha) I was angry... with the gym, I sort of accept that I can't change the way things are and just ignore the male stuff... I won't say I've transcended that shit, but I try to live with it. But I've been thinking of alternative to some of the ways I keep fit - like you with the cycling round the woods. Gymnastics or something like that has come to mind a few times. We'll see.

But anyways... Oh yep, dating and the smoke and mirrors with it... I hear you and your female friends there. I'm not sure how that gets resolved, as I think both sides play into it. I've been dating on-and-off for about 9 months now (I'm also London atm), and I would say that it's the first time in my life that I've been on successive dates, like I'm doing dating. I've just deleted a load of disclosure re: me and dating, as I tend to overwhelm and provide unsolicited info sometimes. A friend of mine (aka, a therapist) suggested not-so-long-back, that I try to go from 0 to 100 hundred with people in no-time. And, I think that was an astute thing, erm, observation of his. That said, disclosures are surely all good, here so I'm sure, in good time (if I can wait that long, hahaha :)) I'll share. Anyways... Thanks again JB :)

Dominator76 - your point about the changing day-to-day is so true! But, I hadn't thought that through about nobody being alpha or beta all the time, especially combined with your point about labels and their static, I'd say even, binary, nature... It's difficult to drop out of that black & white thinking though, eh? But also, thanks very much,man (aka brother) :)

*written P.S


**********
So today, I was clearing out some old papers and notebooks, and I happened across a random old A6 notebook, thin and day-to-day one, opened it had a note of an 'actress' that I'd liked in the past, so looked for her, overriding my K9 password managed to stave it off, but ended up PMO'ing on another browsing session later. What really got me today was that I actually believed STILL that I was really going to enjoy the experience for a prolonged time, and that it would lead to some sort of O based euphoria. Shit. How does that even happen?

I also accepted that I am addicted to some degree, whatever that degree may be nowadays, as I have work to do and I'm not doing it. Even as I type that, I'm saying to myself... I'm not addicted!! 1 hour ago, I knew I was addicted, now I don't. This is messed up! Anyways... I want to stay away from looking at P. So will add a counter to my profile (even though I want to get away from counting, it still seems important - if anybody can comment on that contradiction, please do, it would help :)

Also. I'd just like to say that I don't always respond in a timely manner, on-line or in-life. I think this is a mixture of both my procrastination towards relationships and old habit (that will hopefully change to some degree, completely would be awesome!).


My addictions:
Sugar
Porn (I think) + social media (looking for validation + other things) + browsing (intellectual) on twitter
Drinking excess alcohol (comes and goes)
Negative thoughts
Procrastinating
Buying books that I don't read

NB. If anything that I write is triggery, please let me know guys (and gals, if there are any about).


Best, fyg
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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PS. What HAS surprised me, actually, is that I've gone from nearly 3 months of abstinence to, not binging, but using quite a few frickin times over the last say three weeks. I keep forgetting how easy it is to fall back into old habits!!!! And, how We/I take for granted the progress we are making whilst NOPMO'ing. It's only in periods like this... WHICH IS ENDING TODAY... NOW!!!! That I realise that NO-PMO is a really good thing!! And it has successively led to an increase in confidence and opportunity with real, live, women! Imagine!! Anyway... Peace from this relative newby to here, but not to this process. Cheers x
« Last Edit: April 03, 2016, 02:57:20 PM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Jailbird

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After three months of nofap you fell back?
Care to share how that happened? I'm only 20 days into mine and I have hit a very, very hard patch... I feel that i am on the edge of doing something stupid.
If you could share how you relapsed it might help others avoid. If its too painful then I get that a d accept it.

JB

fyg

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Sorry for my delayed response. I've been staying with friends for a few days and for some other reasons I won't go into right now, have been unable to post.

I don't mind sharing JB. I think the reason I fell off was that I had a one night stand a few weeks ago. It's something I hadn't anticipated at all... as in, I was flatlining at the time, I seem to remember, so my enthusiasm to pursue women wasn't very strong.

The last entry in my journal was on day 56, so 30 days before the end of my streak, and at that point I was struggling with the desire to PMO. To get over that I wrote an entry saying that I knew once I had O'd I would feel deflated and would realise that it as just old habit that had tricked me again. I also commented that I wasn't horny, so again, I reckoned it was just habit. Plus, I was coming to the two month mark, and I knew from experience that it is from around this point into a reboot that I have felt benefits. PLUS, I also wrote that these porn scenario's are total bullshit and unrealistic, for the most part (as we all know). That must have helped, as I went another month past here. But... The cravings around this point were intense at times... But... They passed, of course.

So, after my ONS, maybe it was the chaser effect??? Please help me out here if you know guys, I mean I have to read myself, but I don't know whether the chaser effect after sex still counts if you have been M'ing as I did at points throughout my reboot? Like is it only chaser if you have been strictly nofap (or I think we also say 'hard mode')? etc... anyway... So, I've had a ONS, actually met the girl again for drinks but just for drinks (though I wanted more that night!)... and then maybe, as I was still texting this girl, but getting a drip-feed reply... I may have been frustrated... and so I think that is why I fell off  :-\ as in I want a real woman, not getting it, so I eventually P'd.

But it's a learning curve for me, as I've not failed that way before.

Another thing that keeps me going is that I believe, like many, that PMO had given me ED when I might not have got it during an encounter. Like I have PMO'd just a few days before meeting somebody! Argh! And, also, one for me is M'ing to fantasy during a reboot, has maybe reduced my desire to pursue somebody, again when the opportunity has come on the same day, day after! So, that can be a big motivator.

I hope that helps peeps, and please let me know if my posts are triggery. I won't say that again, as I've said it a couple of times, but I just don't wanna trigger the fine gents on here.

Peace x
« Last Edit: April 07, 2016, 04:38:42 PM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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Today for the first time this reboot, I'm feeling a strong desire for P - not flashbacks per se, but can see a recently viewed 'clip' in my mind. Shit, man.

Obviously, a real woman, would be better, right?? - That's what came to mind just now... no Pmo = a better future!!
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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1 hr later (or very close to this) from initial urge and desire has subsided... been watching a TED video and had cup of tea + put lavendar in oil burner
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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Three things have hit me this morning, and last night;

1. Giving up addictions and/or unhelpful-learned-behaviours (behavioural addictions??) is really difficult.

I just listened to an archived podcast <http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-cybersex-jungle-radio-show> and one of the guys interviewed (Whirlwind Tobias) talked about how accepting the difficulty of the task is important. Sort of, being realistic, as well as positive, I would say. He mentioned being humble, which really resonated with me, as I'm not quite sure I have really understood the importance of being humble in the past. I don't know about you guys, but I've often seen tasks as things that I'm either doing or failing at, rather than being in a process of engagement with. Hmmm... food-for-thought, there.


2. Being happy, could be a choice?!

I have essays to write, with deadlines. I'm a 'champion' procrastinator, and these things tend to not go so well. But! The weather is fantastic here today, and I'm 'on a break' at the moment from uni. Things could be a lot worse if not for the perspective I'm seeing things today. The point I'm making is that I can enjoy the next two weeks (be happy - helped by eating well, exercising, gym and yoga, hopefully!), as well as understand that I have work to do. I won't elaborate on the opposite mindset, as that will undermine my positive vibe  8)


3. Shit... I have forgot the third, it'll come back, I'm sure. Will post!! Ah, okay. So yeah, sometimes, I can be paranoid. I think admitting that to myself/oneself (friends and increase-wellbeing-buddies have told me in the past) is important. In a similar way that admitting that I sometimes lack humility (humbleness) with myself, and therefore others, is important, as it gives one a clearer picture as to what you are dealing with...
Quote
Overcome pessimism.[1] One of the reasons you may be paranoid is that you tend to assume the worst in any situation instead of being realistic about possible outcomes. - WikiHow:How to Stop Being Paranoid
- just googled that. So, being realistic, as well as positive. Not setting yourself up for a fall! - basically, admitting your limitations, either temporary ones or longer term ones.

Okay, I was starting to over-edit point 3. Time to go for an unscheduled run with a mate (perks of living with others ;))
« Last Edit: April 12, 2016, 07:45:25 AM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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Reality check: after I posted that this afternoon... or 6.26 am US time... I lost quite a bit of motivation... I'd already gone for a run, and eaten healthily, but not done much more today. Basically... It didn't go totally as planned. Tonight, I''ve had a few beers. I lost a friend close to me this past week. Maybe that was why a few drinks were in order??!! Anyways... I wanted to post to 'keep it real'. It's all ups and downs, man. That's life!! ;) x
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Boo

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Sorry for the loss of your friend. Here's a friendly warning: Please watch the drinking patterns you engage in. I'm someone who's used drinking to kill a lot of pain in my life. I also believe my drinking has helped fuel my ongoing porn use. Why? Because drinking really does weaken resolve in a lot of areas. I'm combining scaling back on alcohol consumption with my attempt to quit porn. As Jim Rohn said, "one discipline affects all your disciplines".

Anyway, no judging here. I love to drink. I just wanted to give you something to think about. Again, sorry for the loss of your friend. I'm in my mid 50's and I lost 2 of my best childhood friends before they reached 30. They both were married with kids. It's tough.

fyg

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Thank you for the kind words on my friend, and for posting. Re: drinking patterns, I hear you on the resolve. Being hungover is definitely a trigger for me. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on the weakening of resolve vis-a-vis alcohol. I've definitely drank to cope and block things out in the past, and these last few months I've noticed that I drink down quickly, so I'm definitely using it as a balm of some kind, at least for now.

I enjoy a drink too, but alcohol is funny. It doesn't exactly go hand-in-hand with ironing out bad habits. Like today, mildly hungover, and things are harder to start or complete as not feeling 100%.

Sorry to hear of your friends passing too, even though it may have been some time ago now.

fyg

« Last Edit: April 13, 2016, 10:59:11 AM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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Report from today. Cravings to look at P, been strong again, like day-before-yesterday. Went to look at P, but thankfully K9 web-protector kicked in, and then looked at my counter, realised v.close to 10 days. M'd to sensation with odd fantasy thoughts creeping in, though bit vigourous too, so from a point of anxiety to O, I'd say - strangely sometimes like during sex.

edit: actually, I went to look at P after M to O. But still, didn't do it.

« Last Edit: April 13, 2016, 10:58:23 AM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Boo

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I really think you'd do well to rethink the whole M&O practice, at least for a while. I think you have to get your mind off of the idea of self-pleasure. I believe masturbating to fantasy is going to lead you to masturbating to porn. Think about it. What are you fantasizing about? Most likely it's porn images/memories. You're "dancing with the devil" buddy.

To answer your question, yes, drinking will weaken your resolve in many areas. I've known a few people who could be productive while drinking, but they were workaholics to begin with. They were also unhealthy as fuck. Alcohol is a depressant, plain and simple. It lowers inhibitions and numbs pain and that's why we love it. It also dampens motivation and ambition in a lot of people. Alcohol makes us comfortable. It's like putting salt on food. We think it enhances life and in some ways it seems to. If you have any doubts about your own drinking, then it's time to challenge your preconceived notions about it. I do this regularly nowadays.

fyg

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I agree with the M to fantasy, I'm actually trying to not do that for this reboot, as M'ing to sensation alone felt like the way to go on a couple of previous reboots - though! I didn't stick to it, obviously. Last reboot, that finished about a month ago now, I M'd throughout - as after about 10 days I was too pent-up (maybe the testosterone peak).

In answer to your question: to be honest, I usually fantasize about some woman I fancy (fuck, I've been doing that since early teens!), or have slept with, or think I/have some chemistry going with. I do evoke some porn-type-imagery though when trying to visualise/imagine the body... maybe doing that is like watching/evoking porn? So, yep, M & O - I def wanna rethink, but staying away from M has been tough!!

Wise words on alcohol. Thanks. Alcohol has always messed me up the next day at work, and for studying (I'm at uni) forget it! "It also dampens motivation and ambition in a lot of people" - I find after a period of abstinence, say a week +, I'm much more buoyant (told this to more enlightened friends too)... but! still get depressed days, and then it's easier to cave-in and have a drink. Vicious circle. So powering through those days has gotta be the key. My friend who we spoke about, who recently passed, said before, that I should try and go out sometimes and just not drink. Funny, a few months ago, went to a friends birthday, and was broke! So started the evening with NO drink, then one pint a friend brought me, and some water, + a sip of a friend's cocktail... I had a great conversation with a female friend, who even commented that I hadn't drank that much that night, and she seemed impressed - like it elevated my status in her eyes... Interesting man.

I really want to address my relationship with alcohol (to a more nuanced level), and have started to in the past - I've been fumbling with it for around 8 years*. Genuinely though, thanks. I do think about these things but talking it through with others is actually really great ;)

PS

*talk about another time
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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Counters reset for PMO. I knew what I was doing... felt good at the time... just after still felt okay... surfed for another hour and a half... felt average. Had some comfort food. Now resolve to no PMO, again. >>>>>>> this >>>>>>> that >>>>>>> this >>>>>>> that...

Had an increasing interest in nature and trees that has been brewing for last few weeks / months though... so maybe not all is lost.

But... tell me... how do we/I fall for it everytime (the pull is so strong) - I mean, I looked at the science some time ago... but FUCKING HELL man... just, Porn... FUCK OFF out of my life!!!! I mean, I partly get it... ejaculation feels okay... but one forgets that it's a hollow-reward EVERY TIME!!!!! Perpetual amnesia!!!!!

Maybe 90 days total abstain in the next try???? Cold showers, meditation etc...
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex