Author Topic: I know I'm awesome, and I need time, help and action to become actualised  (Read 67651 times)

Chip

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I don't think it counts against you as far as PMO/Porn, but for me personally, I think engaging in MO is risky during a reboot because it does provide dopamine.  On my failed attempts I eventually ran off the rails following an MO session.  Be careful is all I'll say.

fyg

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I don't think it counts against you as far as PMO/Porn, but for me personally, I think engaging in MO is risky during a reboot because it does provide dopamine.  On my failed attempts I eventually ran off the rails following an MO session.  Be careful is all I'll say.

I hear you buddy, and thanks. I was watching the news earlier and there was one female politician who caught my eye. That made me think of P.

I've reset my MO counter again since my previous post; this was not intended. Last night wasn't completely intended either. I've been thinking of how to explain things in a post. Working on it now, and researching this process.

Thanks man.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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I was chatting to housemates earlier, and I felt that I was trying to escape them. I must have had this for a long time, as I've always been in a rush to get somewhere. To get something done. But! When I do escape, to 'get things done', often I have procrastinated. So, I hung around and chatted, and asked questions, had some laughs.

I'm not a total non-social. Actually people who know me out in the world say that I'm really friendly and gregarious (well sort of say that); I remember some years ago now I used to love chatting with friends. Time would pass forever. I wonder if digital addictions of all kinds have taken us away from reality. I wonder if re-wiring to real people as Gabe says, isn't just women, but guys and friends too.

This eve, when I was gonna disappear from my housemates, I sat down, I remembered having this realisation a couple of weeks ago now, maybe three. That this is the work, or part of it. Being with people. But, I forgot. Man, I'm making myself  sound "socially autistic" as Julie Walters said in the 2006 movie, Driving Lessons. Ha ha

Peace
« Last Edit: July 14, 2016, 04:46:24 PM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Chip

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Congrats on the break through and 60 Days.  Bravo!  I bet you'll find as you continue to reconnect with REAL people that your desire, your urge, your need, to act out will diminish too. Sadly it's also why at some point we'll have to withdraw from RN. We'll be Trading the digital life for an authentic one.

RecoveryJunkie

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Hey fyg!

Great job on 60 days! I find the social aspect extremely important to me as well. In the beginning of my reboot I wanted nothing more than to rewire with women so that I could recover from PIED but now that things didn't work out with my lady friend, I have realized I was not even close to starting a new relationship/ partnership. I'm fortunate that I belong to a 12 step program that encourages healthy interpersonal relationships prior to getting involved romantically. I'm not going to date anyone for the soul purpose of trying to have sex for awhile. I really need to practice setting boundaries and learn to take care of myself first. The best way to do that is to be social with many people. Many different people one on one and also in groups. If I need to go against the grain to accomplish this, so be it. In the end it will have a significant positive effects to any intimate partnership I develop. My mind is so focussed on sec that it comes before anything else but in reality, everything else should come first. I truly believe if I keep doing this The right things will happen for me when I am ready, not when I decide. Again, I'm very happy that you made it to 60. Here's to another 60 X 60. God bless my friend.
RJ

Gabriel1960

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Yo.

fyg

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Thanks chaps. This is a milestone that means something. As, in the past, 60 days/2 months is when I have started to notice a natural interest in women return. Now, this reboot has been quite different as have had some real improved confidence at times with women and just chatting to guys in conversation.

But still, entering 60 days has made things more real; there is more at stake this time, as I want this to be the last time I quit. Hell, f**k that, I HAVE QUIT. I have to affirm that. Doubling this to 120 will be the longest I've gone without porn. That needs to include fantasy too. That requires staying in the moment.

This is the first milestone that has really meant something for me this reboot. Scary, but good.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Chip

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Congrats on 60 FYG, I can see measured difference in your posts, your becoming the man you should be and its wonderful.  Do you remember when you posts would ramble all over the place, 8-10 a day.  Now your much more subdued, in control, its really cool.  I'm proud of you. ;D

fyg

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Congrats on 60 FYG, I can see measured difference in your posts, your becoming the man you should be and its wonderful.  Do you remember when you posts would ramble all over the place, 8-10 a day.  Now your much more subdued, in control, its really cool.  I'm proud of you. ;D

Thanks Bro ;) Well, there may be some rambling in the future, I can't guarantee anything. Ha ha. But... Thank you,  buddy. I do feel more grounded of late... Even though things are challenging. Onwaaaaaards!!
« Last Edit: July 15, 2016, 01:42:21 PM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Chip

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Congrats on 60 FYG, I can see measured difference in your posts, your becoming the man you should be and its wonderful.  Do you remember when you posts would ramble all over the place, 8-10 a day.  Now your much more subdued, in control, its really cool.  I'm proud of you. ;D

Thanks Bro ;) Well, there may be some rambling in the future, I can't guarantee anything. Ha ha. But... Thank you,  buddy. I do feel more grounded of late... Even though things are challenging. Onwaaaaaards!!
Cool, see you in a week.

fyg

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Okay, cool mate :D
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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Hey fyg!

Great job on 60 days! I find the social aspect extremely important to me as well. In the beginning of my reboot I wanted nothing more than to rewire with women so that I could recover from PIED but now that things didn't work out with my lady friend, I have realized I was not even close to starting a new relationship/ partnership. I'm fortunate that I belong to a 12 step program that encourages healthy interpersonal relationships prior to getting involved romantically. I'm not going to date anyone for the soul purpose of trying to have sex for awhile. I really need to practice setting boundaries and learn to take care of myself first. The best way to do that is to be social with many people. Many different people one on one and also in groups. If I need to go against the grain to accomplish this, so be it. In the end it will have a significant positive effects to any intimate partnership I develop. My mind is so focussed on sec that it comes before anything else but in reality, everything else should come first. I truly believe if I keep doing this The right things will happen for me when I am ready, not when I decide. Again, I'm very happy that you made it to 60. Here's to another 60 X 60. God bless my friend.

Thank you, RJ. You know, I'm thinking of going a similar route. When I think of sex first; I'm totally out-of-sync with my approach. I think there is a place for two consenting adults to have fun. But for that to be successful, I think you need to have transcended that part of yourself that only wants 'one thing'. Anyways, bro. The social aspect, and that it will bear fruit - I think we have the same mission :D I agree that everything else should come first; and from that I think other things come!

Peace
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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I went for my second competitive run today with a friend. I beat my time from previous by 2.5 minutes (3.1 miles/5km). I was pleased.

That said, I've been bloody depressed this afternoon. It just doesn't figure. A run usually cheers me up some. Just one of them days!

No urges today (thank fuck!) though women seem more interesting and generally attractive (maybe as I'm around 2 months No P/PMO - something I've noticed before).

Reminded myself of ogling this afternoon as went to a local festival (much much smaller than a large one with 1000's attending last week). Realised at points I was still looking at women with a desire for them to look back at me (so I can create some sort of story in my head, ie. they like me, thus I am validated etc...). So stopped that. That obviously makes life more 'boring'... ie, less preoccupied with bullshit, which unfortunately leaves a vacuum, But! That is fine as the stories/fantasies are not real. Re-wiring to real people is where it's at. Real interactions. So, if I'm gonna go up and talk to these people, cool! If not. Glance and leave it at that ;)

Just reading some of the science on our addiction and reminded of the basics that looking at P only reinforces our neural pathways that support this addiction. By stopping looking at P, we can create new pathways. Thus we/I have to re-orientate our lives completely away from P and towards real people and real life. Beautiful (and maybe challenging  ;) ). What was it somebody once said, "One rule, be cool"  8)

Peace
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

BlueSun

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Just starting over again.  The ogling is a little crazy today. How do you handle it?

fyg

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"Fortunately, brain plasticity also works the other way. I see many young guys quit porn and, months later, realise that the fetishes they thought were indelible had faded away. Eventually, they can't believe they once got off to X (and perhaps only to X)." - YBOP (book) > Sexual Conditioning
« Last Edit: July 17, 2016, 05:00:51 AM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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Just starting over again.  The ogling is a little crazy today. How do you handle it?

Hey BlueSun,

Thanks for asking! I'm still working this out myself too.

I think by ogling we are just using people as replacements for porn. As we know, the brain doesn't distinguish between an image of an attractive woman/guy and a real one. We have created neural pathways in our brain by overconsumption of HSIP and other hypersexual stimuli, thus, surely, if we ogle, we are reinforcing this behavioural pattern.

What I have tried to do recently is look at the face of the person rather than the body. Listening to what they are saying. Even yesterday at a small local festival, two women walked past, and I looked at one's face, and listened to the conversation. And, surprise, they were talking about stuff; they were real people with real lives. Often in the past, I have checked women out, obviously got a dopamine hit, and left it at that. I don't see how that is any different to my history of looking at porn; even in the days of mags and jpeg's. What needs to happen for me now, is that, unless I intend to do something about it, not to ogle. (I'll look for one guy who wrote about this on-line ie. won't look if no proactive action is intended).

Again, yesterday, there was one attractive woman I saw at the festival. I looked at her 3 or 4 times, she didn't look my way at all. There was no interest coming from her. I looked, saw that she very likely was with her boyfriend; therefore, why am I looking? Forget morality for now; it's just a no-goer! Unless, of course, I'm gonna engage with the couple in friendly conversation! :)

What I should be doing, and did at points, is look for single women, or groups of women. That, from a pragmatic point of view is where I should be looking. And again, I don't mean for ogling. I mean looking for people, if I am going to stir up attraction in myself, who are going to be much more likely to reciprocate! I saw one or two potentially single people look in the direction of me and my housemates yesterday; these are the people who need to be engaged with. For me, THIS is where reality, risk, rejection or reward lie. Hell, before one even gets there; this is where conversation will happen.

Last night I went out with the same friends/housemates. I remember a few women looked at me last night (and no doubt they looked at many other people). Two women spoke with me and my one friend, and we reciprocated with some laughs as we were playing Bar Billiards, I think it was. None of us knew all the rules, and we shared this for laughs. Two other women I looked at me/me at them too last night, and I acknowledged both of them, one with a nod (not too sexy ;) ha ha) and another with a "Hi". This is progress!!!! As it's REAL. Ie. I'm not just looking and wondering what they are thinking, and simply getting a dopamine hit.

Another woman in one bar last night was absolutely amazingly. She was very hot. I did look at her a few times, and she returned my look, but she was crowded by three other people. And hell, maybe I wouldn't have gone over anyway. But hopefully, soon, I will. At the moment, I'm allowing a little leeway with situations like this, as checking this woman out for me, was a prelude to my intention to do something. I wouldn't ogle her on the street, as this would fall into the category of simply ogling as I hope I explained earlier. Anyway, after a while, I knew I wasn't going to make a move and I stopped looking.

Tie into this what Chip said to me the other week. Along the lines of us not, by rights, having to work this hard against our natural instincts. But because our bodies have been hijacked by porn, we have to repay the debt to our bodies. Therefore, I'm saying, we have to rebalance.

I've been struggling with ogling too, bro. But we can do this!

PS. I seem to remember you doing some sterling work at an exhibition not that long ago, along the lines of not objectifying ;)

I hope this helps; it's certainly helped me process and clarify some thoughts on this. Thanks for asking the Q, bro.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2016, 07:19:50 AM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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Fyg,



I go through the same thing with alcohol all the time. I get hungover and then wham. To feel better I would PMO. I have cut back considerably on drinking and it makes a huge difference for me. Also working out and working hard on my business helps. I have also completely cut off any TV for the next 90 days. I am in the process of doing the HARD 90. Stay the course. Your words and posts help a lot of people.


Tony

Hi Tony,

Sorry for the delay. I meant to post last week, but I wasn't much feeling posting. Thank you for your encouragement and insight. I've struggled this last three weeks with drinking on the weekend, but last night I had three drinks only, and bookended them with a pint of soft drink. Felt better today. I could do with reducing it right right down (or stopping for a while) - that was my promise recently, actually.

Tony, we're in a similar boat, as I'm working out again, need to knuckle down to my studies and TV has been challenging (I had to stop watching female Wimbledon) - so apart from news and specific movies, I'm not doing TV. Have considered a total ban after your words, but will see.

Thank you for the motivation buddy.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2016, 04:58:32 PM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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*2nd paragraph involves possible triggers as describes how I get off lately - Please avoid if you are not in strong place*

1 MO this early AM. Another Bro advised me to watch this behaviour lately. Therefore, to stop me spinning out of control, I'm going for 30 days No MO. I've MO'd 3 times in the last 5 days. Last night was born out of frustration at events that are out of my control. Jealousy. Cloaking myself in a feeling of humiliation; which (I think) is born out of low self-esteem and a belief deep down that I'm not good enough.

MO'd to some quick body part flashes in the mind and the thought of a woman I know, and some old-school vigorous pressure. Started by moving and thrusting pelvis forwards and backwards to stimulate penis by touching and whacking it against my body. Why am I sharing this? As the other week, edging (a couple of times) became my new adversary. Now this 'method' has superseded that one. I don't use fantasy during, but then probably don't need to as it's novel and feels good and exciting. How sad. And as William said, I'm not thinking of doing the laundry during this process, so dopamine will be present.

Need to return to my manifesto/rules for getting free. Ie. No touch, no look etc... to keep me on track. But lately, not touching myself has been very tough. I'm also spending too much time indoors, but also, I don't want to go out so much. Having no structure from college (summer break) is making things tougher.

A lot of negativity... but, I'm working it through.
« Last Edit: July 18, 2016, 10:43:45 AM by fyg »
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TFbv757kup4

TEDx talk on becoming Mentally Strong.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

fyg

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Was feeling a bit embarrassed earlier re: my earlier post and descriptive nature. Have been feeling some real emotion this past week or so. Feelings of dread even, at times. This time last year, almost exactly, I had some similar feelings and was also doing a reboot then, and at a similar point of 2 months No P/PMO. Interestingly, I also had deadlines for university looming, as I have this year.

Gonna have an earlyish night. Cheers RN.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

Chip

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I know I said I was gonna stay away for a week but something told me I needed to check in. Sounds like your having a tough go. Sometimes I have methods that I've adopted I don't consciously think about and I thought you might could use it. It does us more harm than good to look at ourselves as failures or any negative connotations. What I do when a thought presents, like "I'd like to look at ________" or "I'd like to _________" is imagine myself NOT acting out, and respond to the thought out loud with, "I'm NOT gonna do that."  It's important to see yourself in your mind walking away, saying NO.  Visualize.  This whole battle goes on in the mind, see yourself winning.

fyg

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I know I said I was gonna stay away for a week but something told me I needed to check in. Sounds like your having a tough go. Sometimes I have methods that I've adopted I don't consciously think about and I thought you might could use it. It does us more harm than good to look at ourselves as failures or any negative connotations. What I do when a thought presents, like "I'd like to look at ________" or "I'd like to _________" is imagine myself NOT acting out, and respond to the thought out loud with, "I'm NOT gonna do that."  It's important to see yourself in your mind walking away, saying NO.  Visualize.  This whole battle goes on in the mind, see yourself winning.

Thank you, Bro.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

BlueSun

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So you know, I've done the thrust, varieties of combinations of pillows and blankets to emulate copulation, toys, grinding against just about anything, and positions which I thought I was finished with as a teen ager. And many of them even before I began rebooting. These are scenes which would make it in the top ten Teenage-Boy-Gets-Caught-M-In-An-Awkward-Position hall of fame.

You are not alone.  And I for one find nothing embarrassing about it at all. Funny, yeah.  Embarrassing, screw that!  Our bodies and our relationship to our sexuality is overdue for a PR overhaul.  Who hasn't done some mirror admiration, or other genital acrobatics. If we can't have fun with our sexuality then why bother?

I say this only because embarrassment is another one of those dopamine producing strong emotions in the neighborhood of shame.  And there is nothing to be ashamed about.

fyg

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I've had some unsettling thoughts coming up this last week or so (last three weeks to a lesser degree, if I think back). Some habitual ways of thinking are causing me discomfort and challenging me.

I remember one thought the other week after I saw an attractive woman on the street, just-in-passing. A horrible thought came up. One of ultimate frustration. "You'll never have her." I mean, this is just what my mind was saying. So, I had to think about it: In the past, we've had access to all sorts of women, of our exact predilection and tastes by the click of a button. Total unreality. Total fantasy. The woman I saw in passing; unless I turned my bicycle around and went after her (not in a cat-calling way) to try and strike up some sort of conversation; was of course off-limits and I wouldn't have any chance of getting to know her. Anyway, there is almost definitely some fantastical hue to this this example, as there are far better and socially easier/acceptable opportunities to strike up conversation with somebody! (Though, still, I reserve the right to try and talk, in a respectful way, to a woman 'you see out in the world' - this is a joy of life, no?).

Yesterday, I was queuing to go outdoor swimming with a mate; gorgeous day. I decided to strike up conversation with a girl in the queue. Turned out she was from near to my home town. I asked her what she did for a living to keep the conversation going (took a risk on this one) and saw a flash across her eyes that it was a little pushy of me to ask that, but she told me, and I reciprocated. The conversation petered out a bit; but that was okay. It was nice to talk to somebody, and she was attractive. Just not my type, from a couple of things she said. Also, though, I was feeling a bit out-of-sorts from the turbulence I've had over last weekish. So, it's cool. Next time though, I'll ask a question in a less interrogatory way... Maybe... "So what line of work are you in, or what sort of thing do you do?".

Re: today. I thought I was flatlining until I popped to the supermarket. An attractive older woman in a blue dress looked at me. She was very nice, and no ogling. When I went to pay, she was in front of me, paying for her items. Man, I wanted to say something. But I didn't, but also she was gone quick. My body told me that I wasn't flatlining.

Still lots of work to do. And I'm committed to honouring my counters as they stand. Fasting today (planning on reintroducing the 5:2 diet). Went for a run earlier. Ate a good meal. Watched our new Prime Minister with something like borderline hatred running through me. Did I mention my anger has been up lately? #Withdrawals.

Finally, and thanks if you're still reading  ::) Last night I couldn't sleep. One housemate is proving problematic with his 'nocturnal inconsiderations'... But anyway... Went out into the garden. It was a beautiful night. The full moon illuminating the sky and showing varying degrees of luminescence in the clouds. It was bloody amazing. I had a steaming cup of tea in hand (sod the midnight caffeine hit) and a round of toast with cashew-nut butter on. Niiice. I turned round after sitting perched on the garden table to go in and saw a cricket doing the tightrope on our washing line. Inching his way across! Ha ha. True f***ing story, I kid you not. :)

Love it. Peeeace.
H.A.L.T - Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
Wherever water flows it creates ruts. Where is your mental water flowing?
PMO increases DeltaFosB in your brain, which in turn makes you crave the next PMO even more. DON'T DO IT! Your future self will thank you :)
PMO & excessive MO fux up your Prefrontal Cortex

BlueSun

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What a world of difference from page one of your journal.
You are doing it my man. You are living proof!