Author Topic: Rude Awakening  (Read 1118 times)

Renfield

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Rude Awakening
« on: April 11, 2017, 02:28:14 PM »
Hi guys! This is long lol!

Where to start?!?

I'm 54, divorced for 9 years, 2 kids 15 and 18. Recovering alcoholic (8 years sober), totally straight edge, professional and generally happy, healthy guy. PMO and edging for 1+ hours, pretty much everyday for at least 10 years.

How did I get here? Great question. I've looked at porn in some form or another since I was a teenager but 
  • I never had a "problem" or addiction (that I knew of).
  • I never knew it could be a problem or addiction.
I like to think of myself as reasonably intelligent but the numerous signs went by, completely unnoticed.

During my marriage, I never experienced ED, although the last 5 years were completely sexless so in addition to PMO, I resorted to (if I could afford a live body) massage parlous, prostitutes and one very sexual affair with no issues, save for a couple of times in the "affair" which I attributed to fear of being caught and/or hangovers/alcohol. It might also bear mentioning that in my 20s I became aware that I had/have a real active interest in exhibitionism which led to some very risky behavior.

I did as much PMO during my marriage as I could get away with. She knew, but tolerated it as we weren't sleeping together but I did my best to not be overt. You know, the whole "staying together for the kids" thing. I don't even REMOTELY recommend that!!

SO after the divorce, I spiraled into a life of drinking, porn and isolation. Other than meeting one (as drunk as I) girl in a bar, with whom I had periodic, alcohol fueled, gross, animal sex, for a few months, I worked, drank and masturbated. There were a few times that I had some ED with her but I attributed it to alcohol, not being very attracted to her and/or blood pressure medication, due to alcohol that I no longer need. Other than that, no social life. No dating and no life other than the time I spent with my kids. I did manage to still be a reasonably functional father, thank God. Fast forward to 2009. Due to "a series of unfortunate events", which in hindsight, were actually quite fortunate, I got sober and am SO thankful for that, every single day! Getting used to sobriety, mentally and physically took some time so I was still, for the most part, a shut in and didn't really try to meet women.

I slowly but surely reentered society but I must have had the stink of death on me, because I had NO success with women. I have gone in cycles where I would date, get discouraged and resign myself to being alone. Rinse and repeat, lol. Over all though, the journey has been great and  I have since become very active, social and life is and has been really wonderful for the last 6 years or more.

Last fall I reconnected on social media with a girl that I knew 30 years ago who lived out of state and it escalated from innuendo to pictures to live, online masturbation video chat and short video clips. It was quite exciting. I loved her watching me and liked watching her to a degree and I had some great orgasms but there were a few times that I needed to switch screens to some of my porn of choice to reach orgasm. Anyway, she was FULL of drama and I knew I didn't want any kind of relationship with her but she came to my state anyway and we met up at a hotel. I had a VERY hard time getting erect enough for penetration but finally managed and also managed to cum. Again, I attributed it to not being attracted to her. It also bears mentioning here, that I've never been one to turn down sex even with unattractive women. I know, I'm a dog!! :)

Dateline: This year. I started to actively look for women again and started having quite a bit of success. After going out with a few girls and having a false start of a "relationship" that hadn't consummated, about a month ago, I finally met a girl that I really like and she likes me. We dated, hung out and generally got to know each other to the point that she came to my house for the weekend. It was really nice and comfortable. So we go to bed and are really feeling it. A lot of kissing, touching and foreplay but when it came time to close the deal, my erection literally vanished! We continued to touch, etc. and I got somewhat hard again but when I tried to enter her again, poof! gone!! Super frustrating. I gave her oral which she totally enjoyed and we went to sleep but I was completely horny and frustrated. When we woke up, we gave it another go but again, RIGHT at the point of entry, my dick completely abandoned me  :-[  I was still super horny so she gave me a hand job but I had to take over to cum. I told her it was probably due to performance anxiety and not being with someone in a long time. She was very nice and reasonably understanding but I felt totally inadequate.

After she left I remembered seeing blurbs here and there about porn making guys impotent but I didn't think it applied to me as I was just using it for a substitute when I couldn't get a real woman so I got online and started reading up on it and it became crystal clear that this is my problem. I called her before she even made it home and explained this whole thing to her and that I would have to "reboot" but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. She was really great about but was pretty clear that I'll need to close the deal in the not too distant future lol. I don't know how long it's gonna take so we tried again the next weekend with more frustration but we did enjoy our time together. We talked again and she has been reading up on it too. We came to the agreement that it has to be relaxed with no expectations and that cuddling, touching, etc., needs to pretty much be the order of business. She came up again last weekend and we had a lot of quality time together which was great. After watching movies, I gave her a long, full body massage, ending in (much enjoyed) oral for her during which she rubbed me through my sweats. I got quite hard but we didn't try intercourse. We ended up falling asleep in each other's arms. Really nice weekend.

So that was my rude awakening to the fact that I have a problem. I'm totally committed to beating it and have assured her of as much. I haven't looked at porn or even been remotely interested in doing so, actually since I met her. I do feel that I've been using it as a substitute and now that I have a girl, I don't feel compelled to look at it at all. There have been two instances that I have masturbated to orgasm after she left, because of good ol' blue balls but I didn't use porn or fantasize at all. Just concentrated on the sensation and came VERY quickly which really surprised me!!

My mood has been great, I'm very hopeful and optimistic. Finding all this information has been wonderfully illuminating and I'm already feeling a lot better about myself!

Thanks and good luck to all of us here!!
« Last Edit: April 12, 2017, 04:45:50 PM by Renfield »

Renfield

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Re: Rude Awakening
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2017, 01:35:42 PM »
Good afternoon, RN.

I'm not real sure of the last time I PMO'd so I'm going to guess conservatively that my last PMO was March 19th, so 24 days. No desire at all and no withdrawal like a lot of people seem to suffer. I feel generally great. If there's anything that could possibly be different, I seem to feel a little aggressive. Prone to call people on their shit. It doesn't feel bad. To be honest, I kinda like it :)

I had to do a sleep study last night and got home around 6am. Decided to go to bed till 7:30 and as I was laying there thinking of pretty much nothing, I got a raging boner. Made me very happy. I just hope it happens when I'm with my girl, soon. I didn't masturbate and I felt fine not doing so.
« Last Edit: April 12, 2017, 04:46:48 PM by Renfield »

40New30

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Re: Rude Awakening
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2017, 04:35:19 PM »
Keep at it, man.  Getting off porn will be as important to you life as getting clean from the booze, I guarantee it!

Renfield

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Re: Rude Awakening
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2017, 10:51:34 AM »
Thank you! Definitely my top priority  8)

Renfield

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Re: Rude Awakening
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2017, 01:12:35 PM »
Good morning, RN!

25 days, no PMO and absolutely no desire to look at porn. 4 days no MO with no porn or fantasy.

I have been fondling myself to full erection, here and there just to make sure "everything works" (silly, I know) but not even getting close to orgasm. Is this bad?

I'm unsure about stopping MO. I miss my orgasms but I want to recover. I was actually "training" myself during PMO, to hold my orgasms as long as possible so I could impress the ladies by being a big "shooter". Ironically, I was training myself to have ED  :'(

Word of this CURSE needs to get out big time! If I had a son, I'd definitely have that discussion!

40New30

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Re: Rude Awakening
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2017, 01:24:48 PM »
No MO, no touching...that is the arousal addiction that wants a dopamine hit.  Been at this for 4 to 5 years so I know all the ways your addiction tries to bargain with you.

Renfield

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Re: Rude Awakening
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2017, 09:57:14 AM »
I month in. No PMO and still no desire whatsoever to look at porn. Last weekend, my girlfriend and I got into it pretty hot and heavy but no attempt at intercourse. Came close to orgasm during some delightful 69 but I stopped so I could "finish her off" :) I did masturbate that evening because the pressure had built up as it tends to do after a week or so but no porn and no fantasy. Purely sensation. No chaser either. I'm starting to think my issue is more performance anxiety and excessive, long term masturbation habits as now that I have a girl, I'm not interested in porn whatsoever.

I'm not coming on here too much because I think that dwelling on this so much might exacerbate the anxiety issue. I don't know. I'm just trying to relax and really feel our connection.

I also am having tests to check hormones and received a Viagra sample. We'll see.

Renfield

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Re: Rude Awakening
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2017, 01:26:31 PM »
Well, last night was awesome! Surprise visit by my girl. All I could think about was whether I could do it or not but my worries were for naught! Totally successful, ten-hut erection, intercourse and a mind bending orgasm!! I didn't even use my Viagra sample. It started out on the couch while watching a movie, slowly with no pressure (I think this is key!) her very lightly fondling me. I got plenty hard and then she gave me the best BJ I've ever had (seriously). Slow, luxurious and un-hurried. No fantasy, just enjoying the incredible sensations and thoroughly enjoying touching her. I could have come from that but I stopped to go down on her. Her excitement and wetness was a total turn on! When I went to enter her, I could have been harder but I was hard enough. Once I was inside, I got fully hard and it was fantastic but I was on my knees on the hardwood floor, with her at the edge of the couch which was starting to be uncomfortable. We relocated to the bed and I brought her off with my mouth which was excellent. We relaxed and watched our movie for a while then she started stroking me again, this time with lube and again, I could have come but she got on top of me and I was plenty hard this time. Switched to missionary and I felt reborn! Came like a fire hose!! Not taking anything for granted but I feel SO much better!

My take away: Relax, relax, relax. Enjoy and concentrate on your partners satisfaction. If it happens great. If not, that's ok too. Next time :)