My journey to restoration

[pinkerton]

Excellent post Objectified1

[Objectified1]

Thanks Pinkerton

[J]

The problem when I get upset is not that I don't think well, for the most part I don't think at all! I'm just in full blown reaction mode. I want to act, not react. When I am reacting I am not in control, I am allowing negative thoughts/circumstances to control me. I need to train myself to think, really. Not to let emotions take over but instead think, breath. And then ACT or maybe don't act. But don't REACT without first calculating the course of action. My life as a whole, I am just beginning to realize, is a reflection of me and my attitude. I knew my life is what I make it but not fully. Knowing that in word and understanding the concept is two different things as well. The mood of the people surrounding me can be greatly influenced by myself and my actions/ choice reactions. I want to be someone who people enjoy being around. When someone sees me coming I want them to feel relief. I have one friend that does that for me. She is SUCH an inspiration.

Hi Objectified,

It's good to see that you continue to write your thoughts here. Specially during the tough times. There was this section of your post that made me think about some of my behaviors in the past. And respectfully not comparing, your anger in your situation is very much normal and you are trying to come to terms with the whole situation.

Me, on the other hand I would just blow up, and that was on a regular basis, for no reason many times. I would react. Then I started to see my own pattern, and like you realized I had to change my thoughts. But don't beat yourself up either, you know I admire that you acknowledge that in yourself and I think that's encouraging to everyone.

[Objectified1]

Thanks J.

[Objectified1]

So it's been a long time since I wrote in here. I'll be quite honest in this post. Hubby and I have improved dramatically. I see more of a difference in the last month or two then I have in the last 12 months combined. Thank God. My trust is growing. The pain is less although if I allow myself to dwell on it, of course, it still hurts. I don't think there will ever be a time when thinking of my husband getting sexual gratification from other women won't hurt. And rightfully so. He made a promise to me when he married me and I believed him. I trusted my husband and I shouldn't have been made to feel like a fool because of that. When I mention what he did he is remorseful, he is helpful and he is being increasingly more thoughtful towards me. He has apologized many times and does often. He goes out of his way to make it obvious that he is not looking inappropriately at other women. His effort to be thoughtful towards me of as of late has made a huge difference. He has stopped being defensive when the subject of porn and the things he has done come up. That makes a huge difference.
I have stopped writing and visiting the forum as much because I feel it is now holding me back if I am on here surfing, so to speak. I read the stories and etc and it gets me down. I find it depressing.... I find a lot of the men's attitudes depressing and downright nasty., not all but a lot. I don't want porn on the brain all the time. I don't want to constantly think of and be reminded of all the bad he did. I have to move on. So, for the most part I am done on this forum. It definitely was a help at first. It helped for me to vent, to get others opinions and to hear others stories. It helps to write out my story. I may come on from time to time to update if anything significant happens but I think I'll keep it to that.

[Tomte]

I'm glad things are getting better for you and your husband.

All the best!

[Objectified1]

Thanks Tomte

[Gracie]

I get what you are saying Number 1.  I too struggle sometimes.  A lot.  The reading and posting gets me down sometimes as well.  So many men do not want to include their wives in recovery.  But I always come back thinking if I can help one wife or one husband, it is worth it.  But it is tiring to see that the interest seems to be getting an erect penis again.  How do I not look and still get an erection. 

I told my husband after we started working on this, people use the phrase, "If God seems fear away, better see who moved."  I told him, "If your wife seems far away, better see who moved."   

If only the men would see that.

[Objectified1]

I hope that I don't offend anyone on here by this post. I am simply writing this to keep a journal of my moments, as I would put it. I mean no harm, quite the opposite, I hope to be a help. This was a message I wrote someone and I don't have the time to rewrite it all so I just copy and pasted it.

I guess I would like to share a bit of why I was going to stop writing on here. The overall mind frame of most of the men bothers me. I feel that this forum has really opened my eyes to what kind of men become or are porn addicts. You have given me a reason to believe that they can change. I  I guess it hits a nerve and maybe In a sense my decision to stay away from here because of it is hiding. I'm not really sure about that though lol. I see, overall, that the men who take part in here have very self entered attitudes. They are mostly immoral And immature and they feel Sorry for themselves so much so that there wouldn't be enough room for their wives to do it if they wanted to. They are turned inward... Even the feeling sorry for themselves constantly, it's a symptom of selfishness. It bothers me so much because I never really ever saw my husband as selfish. Oh I realized he could be selfish here and there... So can I. We all have a tendency to be selfish once in a while. It's not good but it's common. But this, to me, hits the height of selfishness. He took our sex life into his own hands and was lusting after everything else that walked and (in my Opinion) pretending to have sex with everything else that walked to the point that he could no longer be with me. Just to write that hurts, incredibly. I never realized he was that selfish. It makes you 2nd guess everything. How could I miss that he is THAT selfish??!  Another thing this does is makes me feel incredibly STUPID. How didn't I see that he was that selfish? How didn't I see what he was doing to me? Why didn't I pay more attention? I saw some things and stupidly chalked it up to his usual laziness. Now I realize that even his usual laziness was his selfishness. It's like I missed it from day one? What is wrong with me???Now because this happened behind my back for so long and I didn't know I am constantly on guard and almost always fearful that he is deceiving me onsome level still. What was he thinking when that girl with yoga pants walked by? Before it never really bothered me when attractive females were in our presence, but I had no idea how his mind worked then. Now I know. So now, it's always, is he wondering what she looks Like naked? Did he just look a little too long at her? Will he remember what SHE looks like later?? And most of all There's the fear of being "the fool" again. I was the idiot at home missing him while he was out looking and fantasizing at everything else. I actually just realized and continue to realize new ways, that I have not realized yet, that this affects me. I was missing my husband while he was at work yesterday and I was feeling Bad about it. And I thought why is this giving me such a bad feeling? It's because I felt like such an idiot when I found out what he was doing before while I was at home Missing him. So now, it's almost like I'm scared to miss him! I'm here missing him, but what is he doing?? Well that turned long. I think I'll write about that in my journal Today because it is a new discovery. In short.... It makes me think of what he is because of this porn thing, and it really bothers me. I don't like to think that he is even capable of that level of selfishness but he is.

I am thankful that God is changing my husband. He is changing and getting better, but I hate to think that he CAN and is capable of being what he had become. I have to remember I am as well....I don't understand it and maybe I wouldn't do it in the same way, but even if I see my flaws as better they are not. They are all the same stink just a different pile. I have to remember God is my all and all. He alone can give me what I want and need. This is so easy to forget. It is easy to keep going back again and again to depending on people. "Whatever my lot, though has taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul." He draws us in through pain. He draws us closer in our pain and hurting. We connect as people through pain. We deepen and we grow through pain. Pain is necessary to help us see through the superficial things in life. The things we think we want but will only bring us pleasure, selfish pleasure and won't ultimately be good or deeply satisfying. I guess one of those things could be porn. Many things are like that in the world. God help me to keep him ever before me. The Lord Jesus Christ humbled himself and became a man. He came to this earth from heaven. For me. For us. He paid for this sin that I am suffering for now and he paid for all the sins I commit. I owe it to him to leave it to God.I need to leave it to God and to say in my heart, Thank you God for forgiving my husband for what he has done to me and than you for leading me through it. God has forgiven him, who am I to hold it against him? Am I to tell God that he is wrong ? By harbouring a bitter resentful attitude that is ultimately what I am saying to God. I am saying "God, YOU may forgive him, but I disagree. That is not the correct path to take." God's way's are always higher. God grieves for us. When we do things wrong or when we reject him or his ways he grieves. Not because we have hurt him but because he realizes the happiness we forfeit with our actions. He realizes what we could have if we would just trust him without reserve and give it all to him and what we lose by not doing so.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cw3zIA1NJU0  -  This song makes me think of how this has effected me. This storm....God is the only hope.

Song Title - Eye Of The Storm
Artist Name - Ryan Stevenson
Album - Fresh Start

When the solid ground is falling out, from underneath my feet,
Between the black skies and my red eyes, I can barely see
And when I’m feeling like I’ve let down by my friends and my family, I can hear the rain reminding me

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

When my hopes and dreams are far from me, and I’m running out of faith
I see the future I pictured slowly fade away
And when the tears of pain and heartache are pouring down my face
I find my peace in Jesus' name

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

When they let me go and I just don’t know how I’m gonna make ends meet
I did my best now I’d scared to death that we might lose everything
And when a sickness takes my child away, and there’s nothing I can do
My only hope is to trust You, I trust you Lord

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm

You remain in control
In the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me, in the eye of the storm
 

 
Thank God for his unchanging love. I could never express my gratitude and the joy that flows from having a relationship with God my father. It is beyond anything I have ever experienced. Thank You to everyone who has and is continuing to help me on this journey. I will pray for you all.

[malando]

Hi Objectified1,

I don't know if I fall into your category of disgraceful men or not, but I thought I'd say a few words if you don't mind?

You are right, P use is a very selfish, even narcissistic endeavour. It doesn't start out that way, it becomes that way - like death by a thousand cuts. It's not always that people are just wired wrong and go for bad stuff. People are drawn into P for many different reasons. I think for me it was partly due to damaged confidence I got as a youngster in a very harsh family environment. The point being that reliance on P can stem from a very basic need - not just because somebody is a lech or a sex-maniac.

I think you are stuck in the anger phase to some degree. People can sit there for a long time - even if they experience moments of warmth toward their significant other. I suspect that even if your husband has admitted his selfishness and committed to lifelong change, you have some way to go for this anger to dissipate. Your brain needs time to recalibrate after an almighty shock. But what you are responding to is a past event that may bear little resemblance to the man your husband currently is. Try to keep a current inventory of how he seems to be. If you hold him to his past behaviour forever, you will not move forward ever. That would be a terrible shame for the both of you.

We P addicts have been guilty of great selfishness, it's true, but we are also capable of great change. I acknowledge what I've done, and it's because I know that, I'm ultra motivated to change it. I want to respect my wife and daughter to be a man they can respect above all others. I want to be a great example of decency and dignity for my little girl, because I know how important fathers are to daughters in terms of shaping what they expect from men. I must succeed and I will always put their needs before my own from now on.

And since I reached my epiphany about 7 weeks ago, I honestly don't desire other women. I don't want to touch them or have them. There is a practiced circuit in my brain that misses the rush of viewing P - it tempts me at times just to feel that old rush, but I don't desire to be with another woman. I now only focus on my partner when we make love. I'm grateful already to this place because I feel it's bringing me back to an authentic place where I really appreciate the women who I share my life with.

Please keep an open mind about the change potential of even the most selfish man. We can change - if we want to. Try to see things as they are, not how there were and how you fear they might be. I hope the peace of mind you seek and deserve will come your way.

Best Wishes.

PS - your posts have helped me to understand what my actions might have been doing to my partner. It's invaluable to get a female perspective here on the forum - so thank you very much for that insight. 

[Objectified1]

Malando, thanks for the response to my post. I really enjoyed what you had to say and I think
You said it well. You are not one I was referring to. I wasn't really referring to anyone in particular.... Just the overall atmosphere/ content of most journals and posts I see. I had to think about what you said a bit. Angry.... Hmmm.... I am not in a general state of anger if that's what you mean. I still have anger that it happened, sure, and I don't see me ever NOT having anger about it. I feel that's normal. As long as my anger isn't harmful or hateful. I think it is perfectly normal and ok to be angry about some things. As far as my anger being a negative thing. I do still have days/moments when I am angry in a not so good way with my husband. They are way fewer then they used to be and my anger is a lot more manageable now. It's not out of control. I can be thankful that my husband stopped viewing porn as soon as I really found out (once he actually admitted it) but he never stopped fantasizing about others. He stopped each thing once I knew about it. I guess me knowing seemed to give him the ability to stop. I am quite angry still I have to say.... I don't even know how to get rid of the anger or like I said, if I ever will. This will always have an effect on me. Always. I think I subconsciously stuff my feelings/ brush them aside. I don't even reqlize I do this. Not till i start to talk/write about it, which in turn forces me to think about it. Once I start thinking deeply or for any time period on the topic, all those feelings start to reappear. I am somewhat better at handling them now. I am surprised that they keep Popping back up with almost as much intensity as at the start. Maybe sometimes I just need a break so I avoid it. I avoid here, I avoid thinking about it as best I can and I avoid talking about it with hubby or anyone, which he seems ever happy about. If he was smart he wouldn't be though. Stuffing feelings just makes them come out elsewhere. Anyway, I hope you stay away from it for good.

[Gracie]

Objectified, I get what you are saying.  Sometimes I have noticed that my anger is at myself.  Why?  Because I let myself be taken in by a liar.  I believed him, I believed in him.  I believed he was going to adhere to his marriage vows.  I felt stupid when I found out.  How could I be deceived that way?  And then sometimes I feel the anger is at him. He disregarded me and my feelings. I was heartbroken.  Torn apart.  What happened to him?  He only had to give up looking at naked women and not touch himself.  Where is his heart broken?  And once we talked at the beginning, he was like, " Okay the past is the past let's move along"  Yes it is the past. But it came damn close to ending our marriage.  I am now hypervigilent.    Any change in his words or actions and I worry that it is coming back.  And I am that way because I missed the signs the first time around.  It hurt so keenly that I know I cannot do it again.  So I am oversensitive.  But it is about preservation of myself. 

[Objectified1]

Gracie, wow, do I hear you!! I could restate your post word for
Word! Thanks for writing. ❤️

[stillme]

Thanks for posting your journey toward restoration. It has been helpful to read. I posted my own ten steps toward my recovery as the wife of a porn addict in the other forum, and reading your journey has really helped.

I think the biggest thing I have learned since finding out about my husband's addiction is that "I" need to get selfish. He has absolutely committed to change and I believe that he will eventually beat this, but my concern cannot be whether or not he beats PA. My concern must be on my own recovery and the damage done to me in finding out that my husband has been consuming and addicted to porn for five years of our marriage.

All the hurt, all the anger, all the pain you described is what I felt. Don't get me wrong - he feels guilty. But, the guilt only came after I found out and he saw the absolute way his addicted devastated me to the absolute core of my being. He didn't realize his inability to have sex with me for years was a result of his porn addiction - he thought he just "lost interest". While he was pleasuring himself to porn for five years, he never thought about me laying in bed alone and confused and wondering why my husband didn't want to be in bed with me. His guilt is deep and real. He is committed to changing, including pursuing counseling and therapy. That is all well a good, but that can't be my concern at this time. The absolute only thing I can concern myself with is fixing me. If after I am fixed, after I am whole - he is recovered and ready to be a real husband and treat me the way a wife should be treated, that will be wonderful. If not, that will be okay as well.

I realized I needed to selfishly focus on myself when my husband entered the normal stage of recovery of the flatline. As I read about it I saw this might last days, weeks, months, or even years. Finding out a part of "recovery" is a loss of interest in not only just sex, but also intimacy was devastating. Heck - a lack of intimacy was how I found out about the porn addiction to begin with! What feels like "progress" to him is just me realizing that I don't get the emotional support or intimacy that I craved whether is is actively using porn or actively trying to recover from his addiction. At this point in his life, there is nothing he can give me but a recovery from his addiction. He is fighting this with everything he has, but that means he has absolutely nothing left over to help to restore me. If I don't get completely selfish in regards to my own recovery - I will simply whither on the vine and die, at least emotionally.

I too have noticed on this forum that very few married people concern themselves with how their spouse is doing. They report whether or not they have morning wood, report whether or not the feel horny or have libido, report whether or not they could get fully hard without fantasy. I have yet to see a daily report on whether their spouse appears to have any joy in her eyes. They don't report if she seemed to smile without force. They don't keep a running tab of whether or not she appears sad or depressed or lonely or ashamed. There is a forum of here of literally hundreds of men supporting each other through the journey. Where is a spouse to turn? There only seem to be a handful of us here. We are guarding our husband's secret and keeping it from family and friends - which means our normal channels of support are gone. While there are a host of communities all over the web there for men trying to reboot - even weekly Skype sessions and emergency apps when they feel a relapse coming on. There is no emergency app when I feel disgusting and repulsive because I am lying naked next to my husband and he has absolutely no interest in my. There is no app when I feel lonely and hurt and ashamed that instead of some supermodel taking my husband away and getting his time, attention, and energy - it was just pixels on a computer screen. There is no built in counter to track the number of days I can go without feeling like a fool for not realizing my husband was masturbating to porn in the office while I was wishing desperately that he would come to bed and hold me in his arms.  There is nothing. So, I have to go against my natural tendency - my tendency to want to love him and support him and help him and be there for him and turn all that attention to myself. Because if I don't help myself I will continue to sit here in a broken heap while he has literally hundreds of other men rooting for him and supporting him. Every time I search this forum and others looking for support - apart from the one or two posts from other spouses, I feel like a failure all over again. I feel once again tossed to the side and feel like nothing.

As much as I hate selfishness, it appears that will be the only thing I can do to save myself. The one thing I absolutely hate and despise in my husband I have to dig down deep and find in myself - I have to think only about me. I have to be concerned only with my well being. It was a hard realization to come to, because I started this journey solely seeking how to help my husband. I did, we found the names of what he was dealing with "porn addiction" "porn induced erectile dysfunction", "delayed ejaculation".  I helped him find what addiction was all about and the changes and I helped get him started on his road to recovery. But, I must jump off of his recovery train and find my own recovery train. If not, I will simply be doing to myself what he did to me for five years - ignoring my needs for love, respect, attachment. I have been wallowing on the edges of despair and I find myself dangling on the cliff of depression. What good is it for our marriage if in a few years, he is a recovered porn addict and I am a depressed, angry, confused, bitter, self-loathing shell of a woman? I must focus on my own recovery while he focuses on his recovery. I hope is that our trains meet up again one day, we both get off our our separate trains renewed and ready to dedicate ourselves to having the marriage we always wanted. I understand there is a risk that I will get off my own train fully restored and there will be no train meeting me with my husband. His train may have derailed or it may have gotten to the station earlier and he decided to move on. There is also the possibility that when I get off my train, he will be sitting there waiting on me. His healing may happen faster than my own, and he may actually patiently wait for my train to arrive. I may get off my train and if I hear his train in the distance, I may in deed decide to wait for him - I don't quite know at this moment. The point is, if I don't get on my own train to recovery, there will be nothing left to save - not just for our marriage, but for me.

It is terrifying going into the unknown. But the reality is, the known (his years of porn addiction, PIED, etc.) is so horribly devastating for both of us - our only chance for this marriage to be saved is to shoot for the unknown. My heart is breaking, but I am looking at this as a remodel. Sometimes you have to do some demolition before you can turn something old, tired, dysfunctional and even dangerous - into something new, and beautiful, and valuable. I am scared out of my mind and shaking to the core, but I know it is our only hope. We have children that we have to think about as well - a loveless, emotionless marriage is not what I want my kids to grow up seeing as normal. I would rather they see a healthy marriage or they realize that sometimes people have to go their separate ways, but we will always love them. My husband is doing his part to save himself, now I must do my part to save myself. And yes, reading the stories of the men on this forum has done a lot to influence my decision. Addiction recovery is a very selfish endeavor, recovery from hurt must be as well.

[Objectified1]

I appreciate where Your at. I understand how you feel. It's quite hurtful, the whole ordeal. I don't agree with your overall strategy though. I hope it works for you, I don't feel it would for me. A selfish mind frame got him and us into this mess a selfish one won't serve us ever, even to get us out of this mess. Yes we do have to focus on our own recovery but not to the neglect of everyone else around us. We all (husbands and wives) need to find balance. Caring for yourself and recovering from this is not selfish. Not being the one to navigate his recovery is not selfish. He is a full grown man and while we will be here for parts of it, we are not responsible for their recovery in any way, shape or Form. I think as women we are natural givers. Especially to our loved ones. When something like porn addiction comes in we are thrown off our centre because we were doing as we should've been, loving and giving to our mans while they were taking and deceiving us at the same time. Making us feel stupid and foolish for giving. Focusing on your recovery is not selfish as long as you are not taking from others unnecessarily to do it.

[Objectified1]

Things were bothering me quite a bit today. So I had a talk to hubby. Now I feel better. I am so thankful for his patience. When he is patient, (which he has been immensely and I fully expect him to be, after all he caused it,) it really helps. I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders when I can once again go to him and talk out how I'm feeling. There are things about being on this forum that bother me..... All the "he's addicted, she should understand" and " she should support him's" really bother me. She should be no part of his recovery whatsoever unless she so chooses to be  and she definitely can't support Him in his recovery, at least not many women could. Not really. In order for her to support him in his recovery she has to once again put herself to the back burner and ignore her hurt and pain. She can't support him in recovering from a self induced addiction that has tore her apart & their relationship apart. It has taken the only thing that made them different from every other two People in the world and ruined it. It has taken their intimacy and made it nothing. I know that couples often have children with more then one person, but I don't believe it was meant to be that way. Creating humans.... It was most definitely meant to be an act that set two people apart. We literally share a part of who we are with our spouse. We open up to them as deeply as we possibly can when we truly make love. Any two people can have sex.... But it wasn't meant to be that way. If there was nothing wrong with porn and watching porn then it wouldn't hurt like this. It wouldn't cause such insecurities and issues in your spouse. If there was nothing wrong with porn and masturbating to people other then your spouse it wouldn't render your manhood useless and make you unable to make love to a real person or even have sex. If there is nothing wrong it doesn't harm... In any way, shape or form. You can make love to your wife every day and you won't suffer any ill side effects. As a matter of fact it will strength the bond and connection between the two of you.
 I feel bad for my husband as this whole thing unfolds. Because I am beginning to truly believe he never realized he was doing anything wrong or out of the ordinary. He was brought up with a father who used to put porn videos on for him and his teenage friends to watch. His mother was there and just laughed about it, so of course he thought, it's just fun. It hasn't hurt my parents. Look it's fine. But we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. His parents didn't communicate. Barely if they did. They're level of intimacy was very low and their relationship seemed one of just being there. Live in's. I say to him now, is that what you want for your relationship? Do you feel that their relationship is an example of what you want? He says no. He never thought of it that way then. Just because there are no obvious problems doesn't mean it's what you want. I don't want a live in for a husband. I want to have joy, passion, a life partner. I want someone to share my highs and lows. I have expectations of him and I want him to have expectations of me. So you may not see the obvious damage from others doing the same thing, but that means nothing. These women that are ok with porn they have no idea what they could have without it. I think of it like this. If all you've ever experienced is a man and relationship stunted by porn, you don't know the difference. If you've never made love you don't realize it when your not. I often think that and say that to hubby. I ask him, how do we know when it's better? How do we know when it's "right?" I personally feel that when we both feel good. When we are both completed and bettered my the things we are doing, then it's right. Not just sexually, but relationship wise.

[TresBienEnsemble]

Stillme...I think the best thing you can do for yourself is find someone to talk to...if you can't talk to a friend or family member at this point then you too should talk to a counselor/therapist. It is a long and winding road with emotions all over the place but you and your husband are off to a good start and it will take a concerted effort from both of you to keep it moving in the right direction.

[Objectified1]

Stillme, trebien says it so much better then me.

[Gracie]

Stillme,

You are absolutely right.  There is not much support for women.  We have a handful here.  This is the best site for help and support that I have found.  As you have observed, the women's stories are pretty much the same.  The feelings we all have are very similar.  And I wish I could say that the uneasiness goes away but it does not.  Once this betrayal has happened, without us knowing, we are forever vigilant for any change of any sort in our men and the relationship.  We look for reasons.  We thought "forsaking all others" meant forever.  We thought it meant forsaking all others in thought, word and deed.  And it shakes us to the core when this happens. 

The men in forums do not talk about noticing their wives much except to note that they are cold fish, sick, not as attractive, pay to much attention to the kids, and when the woman finds out, they act like a crazy woman.  It would be nice if they talk about concern for their wives, noting that their wives are sad, pensive, broken.  But they do not.  If not for the physical effects of porn, almost everyone one of them would not be here.  They do not come here to fix the relationship, they come here to get their penis working.  They do not realize if the emotional connection is not repaired, and their wives become unbroken, the sex ain't gonna happen.  They need to give us time and help us heal.

Continue to come here for support, we will give it.

[Objectified1]

Honesty, you want honesty? I believe that even online a lot of us, including myself at times, try to reflect a certain persona. We don't want to be truly known or heard. We are always hiding. We get criticized for who we really are and how we really feel. I think about that and I figure, your
Going to be criticized no matter what you do, so BE REAL. Stop wasting your time and life pretending and be so real it hurts. SO real, your in unframiliar territory! Then , make that your framiliar. Your use to. Sometimes I see the reboot nation symbol on my history or wherever and I cringe. I hate to see it. Sometimes I don't want to see my husband anymore. I guess the way I feel for  the most part these days, is, sure, we now have a relationship BUT, it's like sand. There's no security there. I was thinking of that today and one thing it had showed me is, I may have no HUMAN I can really trust. But there is one, one waaaaayyyy better then any human could be at their best that I CAN trust. He is never changing. As he was yesterday, he is today and he will be tomorrow. The one who sent his one and only Son to die for me on Calvary's cross.  The God of this universe. He has answered so many of my prayers as of late. It amazes me and I and so thankful and grateful that he lends his ear to me. Of all people. I don't deserve anything from him but yet he gives to me. I know God is my all and all and I know he wants me to accept this. I know he is way more capable then any human but I feel that I am Greving the loss of it in my husband. Did I give him to much? Why was I so naive? Was it wrong? IS IT wrong to have faith in my husband? If he can be my one and only, why can't I be HIS one and only? Is it REALLY true that because men appreciate the female physique they can't control whose physique they're appreciating ?? Is it really true that my husband had to continually struggle to be committed to me?? I feel like he had been contaminated so badly from the time he became a man that it is now ingrained in him forever. I feel that the man I love can never have true love for me because he had learned that women are there for his sexual gratification not to be his soul mate. He has learned to look at a women and evaluate her butt, legs, breasts etc. I feel that if we are anywhere and he sees a women dresses
Provocative or similar that it's automatic that he sees her as a sex object for his pleasure. I know this may not be the case and I pray and am Praying that God will help me to see it how he would have me to see it but I am having such trouble shaking this. Anyhow, this too shall pass. 

[Objectified1]

I am starting to feel like I need to set guidelines/rules for myself. I need to sit down and write things out for myself. For example; If I am having a bad day and something happens, I MAY NOT allow it to take me back to his porn use days. I MAY NOT allow it to suck me into the thinking, "well, he's not changed. He's obviously the same old guy. How selfish was that? Is he into PMO again? Maybe he's back to fantasizing! He's never going to get past himself enough to be a thoughtful husband. He is never ending, no fixing him, flawed." Which is what I did two days ago. My husband chose to be very thoughtless and do some very selfish things and I chose to allow it to take me in that direction of thinking. Correct action could have been. Once I had calmed down, maybe the next day, with no kids in sight, sit him down and have a talk. Express how I am feeling. Ask him, why did you decide to do that?. When you chose to do that it made me feel like this. What is wrong? what is going on in your head? DISCUSS IT. I find that the last few weeks I have been regressed I guess. I'm not exactly sure why. I have to figure it out. I think it is me reacting to him and the way he has been. Lately he seems to be short and selfish more then he had been. He seemed to be getting better in that regard and this past week or two it almost seems in a lot of ways that he is not. I then start to think of the things that he did and I feel negative towards him. When he is extra thoughtful it almost cancels out what he did and helps me replace the negative feelings with good ones. I remember why I fell in love with him. It seems like (overall) its such a chore for him to go out of his way to be thoughtful towards me and for me. I wonder why is it so hard? How come, for the most part, he only does those thoughtful things that are easy to do? That take no real effort on his part? I mean, if you really love someone, and you really realize that the things you have done has tore them down and apart, shouldn't you put some considerable effort into trying to regain them? In showing them your worth their time? Sometimes I wonder, am I being too hard on him? Am I expecting way to much out of him? Then I think...Nope, no way. He is not going to get away with doing the bare necessities here ever again. I am worth more then that. We are worth more then that. If you want to be lazy and barely put effort in then you should be single. We got here, I got deceived for many years, because I passed off his laziness as OK. I don't want to pass it off as ok and allow things to go down the tubes anymore. 

[hoopvol]

Hi Objectified1,

I can so relate to you post!! I think we depend too much on our partners for our happiness. If he would only do this or say that.... When he doesn't do the right thing (or does the wrong things) we go down that same cliff again. I hope, that eventually I will be able to trust him enough again to believe he won't do anything that will make me unhappy. Until that time I must take care of myself.
Try to see the positive in little things that happen to us each day as well. We're sometimes too caught up in all the negative thoughts, that we don't see them anymore. I had to teach myself to go through my day overnight and search for those positive things. Not just in your relationship, but it can be anything. It helps you to get your feet back on the ground. There is still light in this darkness.
It makes you stronger and maybe it makes it easier to do the right things (communicating....). Remember, we have a lot of healing to do and it takes time.
I really hope you'll feel better soon!!!

[Objectified1]

Thanks for the message hoopval. There's definitely is a lot of positive as well. I think that's a fantastic idea to try and dwell more on and look for the positive.

[Objectified1]

Things have been up and down. Some things have been better and some things haven't. The other night me and my husband were together and it was wonderful. Our sex has been better and better for the most part. There's barely any sign of his Ed. When it does happen it is always obvious that it is performance anxiety. And it usually only lasts a short time. We take a break , get a drink of water, concentrate on other aspects of love making other then penetration or his penis, and get back at it and then he's usually better. He told me the other day that he now realuZes him freely checking out and thinking sexually about other women kept him from being as close to me as he can be. He doesn't know how or why he just knows it did. I asked him why he thought that and he said because the way we make love now is amazing. I don't think it's been that good in the 14 years we've been together. I can tell and he confirms that his physical feeling Is also much better then it's ever been. He says he feels connected to me in a way he never had. I was happy to hear it. I try hard but I can't help but also feel so sad about it all. I feel like he robbed me of so much over the years . To be fair he was only being the way he always was. The way he was brought up. Neither one of us realized  how much we were losing. I followed suit and allowed it because it is accepted in our society. Any women who raises a concern or gets upset over her husband lusting over others is considered to be insecure. I should've listened to my intuition while we were dating. I actually refused to date him for over a year because I didn't like how he checked out other women. In the end I chalked it up to me being ridiculous, insecure etc. Now I realize I was right. Look at where we're at now. I was right and my intuition was correct. At the moment I am struggling. I find it hard no matter what he says or does to believe anything. He seems to be doing well.... At surface level anyway. I haven't really noticed him checking out any women as of late. Our Sex life seems great but I'm still Leary. At the moment I guess my thoughts are, he doesn't love me and never did. Oh yes, he had a love for me. But there are many different forms of love I feel. I red an article the other day that talked about love and the kind of love that lasts. It said how love that lasts and keeps marriages together is not A feeling but a choice. It's a choice to put our SO first. To chose them even when we don't feel like it. As we put them first we actually can recreate the "love feeling" as they call it. When were young especially as women we get fed this fairy tale. Mr Prince Charming is going to come sweep us off our feet. We will make a life with them. Children, a little house with a white picket fence. We are his one and only and he has eyes for only Me.... Etc etc. While men are at the same time taught, sex is about me. Women are to be wanted and desired for their physical. It is manly to be with many women and they're just insecure if they don't like me looking etc etc. Two total opposite stories. No wonder there's conflict. We as women are taught to expect the lovey dovey. What a wake up call real marriage is. The lovey dovey quickly fades when he's comparing you to every women who walks the earth still. When he still has the menu in front of him, drewlling over it because he hasn't truly made his choice yet. I can see why the choice you've already made is no longer inviting when the other choices are always being entertained. I have no idea how we are still married to tell the truth. If it was me and I was living our life like that, I would've been long ago gone. Why would I want to be with him when I busy looking out there as if Im still single?? Anyway, I have to pray about it and pray that God will help me work it out. He says he loves me but in my definition of love, what he did doesn't for in there. To me that's not love nor is it possible if you truly love me. Do i have to redefine what love means? Have I always been wrong? Has my experience with love been wrong? When I fell in love, I stopped looking. Sure, I noticed and still do notice attractive Guys. But I don't think sexually about them. They barely stand out if they even do from the non attractive ones. Why would I need to think sexually about him because he's attractive? Anyhow... Can't wrap my head around it.... Just can't.

[Gracie]

That is difficult to deal with.  My husband frequently says he "drank the Kool-Aid".  I still have trouble wrapping my head around the fact that for years in our marriage he choose someone else "to have mental sex with"  whenever he wanted.  He made a choice about our sex life without talking to me.  He had sex 4 or 5 times a week without me.  I had sex 1 time a week with him.  So there he was 6 times a week and I had only 1.  I had a surgery that occurred about a year to year and half before D-day.  He was so into it (his was Cinemax late night) that I literally was alone during my recovery.  He used my physical condition as he rationalization.  I would come home from work and go to bed.  It was because that was all I had energy to do.  I was too tired for makeup and was just happy to bathe and get clothes on and go to work.  I was like a pet.  He brought me food.  He tucked me in.  And then went and watched.  At one point he watched while he was in bed with me.  I wasn't quite asleep.  So he said he did this to "spare" me from sex.  So the choosing went on and on and I was not a choice.  I have told him that the thing I remember most was the extreme loneliness during my recovery.  I felt so alone.

I still have to talk about my pain to him.  If I don't talk, I cannot function.  He listens and holds me but still sometimes I just want to yell at him and say What the hell!  etc. etc.  And I know it pains him to see how this has changed me.  I am not the same and will never be the same.  I am on guard.  I pay attention to everything.  This creeped into my life and it damn sure won't happen again.  I know he doesn't watch, but I am forever vigilent.  I cannot take that pain ever again.  Who knew the slutty women he made fun of in our life were what he drooled over and ogled?  Who knew he said I should wear tailored clothes because they looked good and he wanted skin tight and boobs galore?  I will never wear tailored clothes again.  I do not dress slutty but plain will never be there again.  In my eyes, he lied when he said he didn't like "slut" but I should dress the way I was.  I try to stay secure, I try to trust because I love him.  Some days I just am able to do those things better than others.

I have a surgery coming up soon and am very nervous.  It is not as extensive as the previous one, but it is brining back memories of the loneliness and the lack of support from the last time.  He is reassuring me that it will not happen again (the lonely).  I know the porn is not an issue.  But the memory of knowing everything he was doing is just yuck!