My journey to restoration

[pinkerton]

Hey, hoping you Are having a better week. Take care

[Objectified1]

Thanks Pinkerton.

[Objectified1]

Today was better to a degree. Must have to do with last night. We talked a bit about everything and me feeling like there is something up for the last week or two. He was nice and actually seemed to be listening and concerned about how I feel. Whenever we talk he tells me how much he loves me and he says that I mean everything to him. How confusing. He says he has no desire to go back to PMO or M. Occasionally he gets a temptation To M but that is a weekly habit he had since he was a young teenager, so it is understandable. The dangerous part is he uses it to alter moods though. He is always tempted in the am, if we fight and don't resolve it that night. It's not normal to use sex to cover up other things or mask uncomfortable feelings. Sex is meant to be a loving act between two people. The masturbation never bothered me either. Me being the naive wife I am, never suspected That he would be doing it to porn or fantasies of other people. That is the part that hurt so much, although in the end he was taking from us and Chosing it over us as well. How sad when pretend fantasies and pixels on a screen are better then the real thing. After we talked I felt way better. If I am feeling so bad and he actually sits down and has a discussion with me I feel so much better. He said he felt much better after we talked as well. He finds it emotionally exhausting when I'm stressed I guess. Try being me honey, try being me. I don't mean to stress him, but he is the cause of all this. His actions got us here. I noticed a difference in him this am. He got up, made breakfast and talked with me too. Unusual for him in the am. I was happy. He seemed a lot happier this morning. He said he didn't realize he wasn't talking as much lately he has just been exhausted this last week
Or two he's not sure why. He has sleep apnea so I think that plays into it. Plus lung issues, bb's getting up through the night etc. I don't blame him for being tired. I told him, talk. Just talk and things will be much better much quicker. Communication is key. So, I am still somewhat suspicious and don't 100 percent believe he's been up to nothing but time will tell.

[hoopvol]

Hi Objectified1,

You are so right: communication is the key. When we both were on this forum, it helped us talk about certain things. It fed our conversations, so to speak. He stopped posting after a while and now I think, it's because he was already slipping. It fits the timeline. That's the moment my posts turn a bit sour, so unconsciously I sensed what was going on. But when do you share your doubts with him? To me, that's always a difficult question. When you're wrong, it sounds like an accusation. Or he may take it the wrong way: I'm doing the best I can and still it's not good enough. And you don't want to put more pressure on him, which might set him back. I chose to ignore my gut-feeling and it turned out I was right. But I waited till I was absolutely sure. That was the moment P found its way into our bed: in stead of making love to me, he was having sex. And still it was hard to bring it up.. it's like fearing you are very ill, but you don't want to see a doctor, cause you're afraid of what he will tell you.
I don't know you or your husband, so I can't give you any answers to wether he is up to something or not, but as you say: time will tell. My husband reached the point of no return: he knew he wouldn't be able to stop without help. He knew, that soon, he wouldn't be able to hide it anymore/he started to realize, I already saw the signs.
I wish you all the strength you'll need (and wisdom)

[Objectified1]

Thanks Hoopval. <3

[Trustandnewbeginnings]

Thanks for directing me to your journal, Objectified1. I see plenty of similarities in our stories, and as much as I hate that any of us are going through this, it is comforting to read your thoughts and feel that I am not alone. Their porn addiction makes us so lonely, having the one who is sworn to be your partner in life turn their back on you and leave you on your own without saying a word, for you to figure out on your own in the dark. It's good to have found others that share this path, it is terrifying stumbling through the dark on your own but as soon as you know there are others in the same predicament it certainly makes the pain and fear a bit less.

At one point in your journal you can to the same conclusion I did, that God will continue to show you the problem and to put faith in that. Years ago I would have thought that a foolish idea, but now I have opened my eyes and realized I wasn't discovering things on my own. If anything, I was getting in my own way by looking the other way and suppressing those suspicions into the "back closet of my mind" and to a certain extent, enabling the behavior. I'm becoming more and more convinced that the times I have caught him have been by God's will and not simply dumb luck.

I hope your husband is simply tired and that is the cause of his behavior and your suspicions. If not then I hope he comes to you with honesty or you are shown the issues soon so your time worrying is reduced and you can start moving forward once again. In the meantime, keep your head up and find peace to go about your day.

[Objectified1]

Thanks trustandnewbeginnings.

[Objectified1]

Yesterday was not a good sunday, at all. Probably one of the worst I have had in a long time. The same old same old, and he didn't do anything wrong. Just being with him around people who are dressed in less then a tent makes me so insecure and makes me think of what he did. I realize he can't help that. I need to get over being bitter that he caused the issue. I need to move on. How do I move on? How do I push back all these feelings or hurt, rejection, insecurity and move on? I get caught up in it. That's the biggest problem. Life is way to short to be stuck in this and to let this run our lives. If I am to be honest and not let my anger speak, I truly believe he is repentant and that he wants us. I truly believe that he wants me...I wrote and loves me, but then I deleted the "and loves me" part, because I REALLY don't know that he does or ever did. I guess I want to think he does, I think he does but I don't truly believe it.
 Satan will try to get us down. He wants one of two things, one being our soul, and if he cant have that, if we accept the Lord Jesus Christ as our saviour and take our place as his child and accept our spot in heaven, he then wants to take my happiness. The devil is always happy if sinners are happy on the way to hell so as not to think of where they are headed or saved individuals are miserable on their way to heaven so to not influence others of God's goodness and joy. Also he doesn't want the christian to enjoy anything.
To answer my own question, how do I get over it? When I really sit and contemplate it, there is only one way and that is through God.
Psalm 28:7
 The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him.
It also says in the bible that the joy of the Lord is my strength.

I am weak and failing because I am looking at the problem and not to him (God). I am looking at the problem and at self. And at hubby. It is our natural tendency to look to self, but God wants me to look to him.
The verse that I got saved through says it all
 Matthew 11:28-29

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

Oh do I need rest. This was needed for salvation and it is also needed to be a conqueror in this life.

Romans 8:37

37 Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.
 
Isaiah 40:31

31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

This is the missing link. I need to bring it to him in prayer and leave it there. EVERY TIME I feel insecure, EVERY TIME I think he is doing something that will hurt me, I need to leave it to God. Not to mention prayer and reading my bible. I will admit I have been slacking and I have not been putting sufficient time into it. I feel it. I am weak minded, so to speak, I let these things get me down, I forget to keep God and eternity in perspective when I dont renew my mind with the word of God.

God wants us to have happy prosperous lives. He wants us to be successful. He wants us to be good influences to others. He wants us to show the Glory of God on earth. He would have us do that by leading happy successful lives. We would lead happy successful lives by sticking close to him.
I want to bring Glory to God with my life. I dont want to sit in this stink pile and wallow. I am sad that I did that yesterday. Each day I waste is a day I can't get back. God help me make use of my days. HELP me live like TODAY is all I have. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Help me lead others to be strong and bring God glory. DON'T allow me to lead others into despondency and despair. I have a God bigger then any problem I can fathom. The God of this universe is on my side.
Romans 8:31
31 What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?
Psalm 27
27 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

I will not let the devil take this day and I will not be part of his schemes.
1 Peter 5:8

8 Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:

Psalm 51:12-14
12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.

[Objectified1]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zvdf9CxIcNE

All the tears of all of His children
Just like the ocean our Father holds
He sees the burdens
He sees the struggles and every fear
Even my own
So many things I don't understand
But He is God
And He knows all of it

[Chorus]
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He is reaching out
Let us run to Him
He's got the whole world in His hands

[Verse 2]
From the borders where the nations war
To the battles inside our homes
From the streets where the orphans cry
To the loneliness inside our hearts
In the place where I am
Shore to shore
Every land

[Chorus]
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He is reaching out
Let us run to Him
He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world in His hands

[Verse 3]
From the moment when my mother died
To the first breath of my baby boy
I felt God
He was with me then
Through the heartache and in the joy
Yes, every tear that we cry
God is with us by our side


[Chorus]
He's got the whole world in His hands
He's got the whole world in His hands
He is reaching out
I'm gonna run to Him
He's got the whole world in His hands

He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world, whole world
He's got the whole world in His hands

My whole post just suddenly deleted. Shoot me.

Anyway, In short I was writing about how I was thinking yesterday that there will never come a time that I will be able to think of what he did and it wont hurt.
I am hoping that in time I will be able to think of it and not feel extreme hate for him. I am sure it is not good for our relationship or us that I intermittently feel hate for him. It is hard to know that this will always hurt. I feel like there is damage done to us that can never be repaired. We are damaged goods now.
I was thinking of how horrible it is going to be the first time we go home to see my family instead of joyous like it should be. I can imagine that everything I have felt to date will be magnified by 50 or more. I have avoided my sisters for months (calls, texting) because they are living reminders of what he has done. I feel like he has put a huge wedge between me and the people closest to me. My relationship with the people closest to me is damaged because of him.  I will feel hurt and humiliated so much more to be in their presence. How will I hide how I am feeling? Can you imagine if they knew!? How embarrassing! Makes me want to leave him on the spot. If I wasn't a christian, I wouldn't be here. It feels like I am degrading myself and devaluing myself by just staying with someone who has done these things to me. But I know God feels I should forgive and if he is repentant that I should stay. If he is willing that I should work it out. It is SO hard at times. A lot of the time I feel like he isn't doing near enough to gain back my trust or make me feel loved again. I also feel like hes still doing stuff behind my back. I cant trust him. I hate that. It makes me so angry. I cant get over feeling cheated and I hate it.

[Objectified1]

So I have decided to really work on myself. It really is the only thing I can focus on and guarantee results. I have been listening to audios while driving.... As a man thinketh, the power of positive thinking, Andy Andrew and the 7 decisions etc. Today after listening to as a man thinketh I had a ah ha moment. When I decide that my value lies in other people's actions and opinions I am giving up my power as the person who controls myself . so I wrote hubby a few texts, and I feel better. The thing is our thinking becomes habitual. We don't even realize, for the most part the automatic dialogue going on in our heads. When I allowing someone else to determine my worth I have to snap out of it and remind myself. That's not true. You are a child of God and regardless of what others say or do your are valuable.

So here are the texts I sent hubby :
Just thinking about things that happened and my reaction to them. Although my reaction is natural for someone in my position I'm really going to work at fixing it. It doesn't matter what you do. My value doesn't change. My value doesn't change by your perception or anyone else's of me. I am valuable today and when you value me and I am also valuable when you don't. I am attractive whether you think so or not. I am as attractive today as I was before you insinuated I was no longer attractive by the way you acted and treated me. What you do or don't think can't and never will change what I am or am not. I am valuable no matter who see it or chooses to acknowledge it. I need to treat myself that way and realize that my value doesn't change by your actions.

He says : That is very true. I want to show you how much I value you.

Me: My value also doesn't sit in my looks. I am a person that holds value as an individual. I have something to offer the world. I am not my body. I don't gain or decrease value as my physical appearance changes. I can't believe you made me feel that way or that I allowed you to. It's your loss that you dont see that

He replies: I don't want it to be a loss. You mean everything to me. I want you to see that. I love you.


I need to keep this in mind. I have to be the master of my mind. This can be super hard and I can have a negative self image because of it OR I can decide I am who I am regardless of what he decides to do. I can only control me and I can control how I allow the things he does to affect me. If I lust after other men and see them as more attractive as my husband. If I decide he is no longer valuable to me, does that actually make him less valuable now that I have decided he is less valuable?! Of course not! So why on this earth would I take that on myself? Why would I allow him to decide my value by his actions. Foolishness. God and God alone determines my value.

[pinkerton]

Thank you! I try to get that through to my wife sometimes. No luck yet.

[Trustandnewbeginnings]

"I need to keep this in mind. I have to be the master of my mind. This can be super hard and I can have a negative self image because of it OR I can decide I am who I am regardless of what he decides to do. I can only control me and I can control how I allow the things he does to affect me. If I lust after other men and see them as more attractive as my husband. If I decide he is no longer valuable to me, does that actually make him less valuable now that I have decided he is less valuable?! Of course not! So why on this earth would I take that on myself? Why would I allow him to decide my value by his actions. Foolishness. God and God alone determines my value."

Wow, thank you. I really needed to read this. You really hit the nail on the head, I need to accept this truth for myself. I feel like this is a huge step in the healing process. Thank you for sharing, this is honestly one of the best posts I've read on the subject of the partner's recovery!

[Objectified1]

Trustandnewbeginnings, those are very kind words. It is 11 months in for me in this process and has taken a lot for me to get to this point. It is also a matter of correcting the automatic thinking that happens in my brain. I write that, which is the easy part, but now I have to go back and remind myself of it OVER AND OVER, day after day. If I am not conscious of the dialogue going on in my head, before I am even aware of it, I am once again back at letting his actions determine my value. At first I didn't even realize I was doing this.

Pinkerton, it is extremely hard to actually accept that. I think we all natural allow others to contribute to our value subconciously if we are not careful. The consequence of this is of course that they can then subtract from our value as well. Your wife does we'll to just accept that you did it and continue with you. of course that is not meant in a mean way towards you.

[Objectified1]

So, tonight the topic of my sisters came up. Yep, not good. I realize from time to time that I avoid topics for weeks or longer because they are quite painful. This is one of them. We can graze the topic but get into a full fledge discussion about it and it's never good. I want to know why. Why would he fantasize about ALL my sisters. How could he do that to me? How could he get up in the morning (for over a year too), go have an orgasm to the thoughts of doing/having sex with my sisters and then come turn me down because you just screwed my sisters instead in the bathroom. Give me a kiss goodbye and say I love you. What love! Why? I wish I didn't know!! I feel such intense hate for him whenever we discuss it. It's not even just that he did it but he did It for over a year! Behind my back. How can I EVER trust a man that could do that??? What kind of guy can do that and look me in the eye everyday and say i love you? I have never felt so much anger, hurt, humiliation, hatred like I do when we breech this topic. I start to think im over it to.. Well not over it, but getting better. Then I realize it's simply that we haven't discussed it in any detail. I am so sick of all this!! So sick of it. I am tired. Tired of hurting, doubting. Being angry. Hurt yes. I want to leave it all behind and walk away. How much easier would that be?? Over trying to trust him again and get past this. There are times that I wish he wasn't repentant . Then I could leave. Yes I do believe that I am not my own, therefore the choice is not mine . It is Gods. I am bought with a price and even thought at times I feel like this is killing me, I have to do what God would have me to do. The blood of Jesus cleanses us from all sin. Even cleanse him from this sin. How do I forgive him like God would have me to do??

[Warthog]

Not knowing how strong the family resemblance is between you and your sisters, but it is not unlikely that the same things that attracted him to you also attract him to them.   That was certainly the case with my wife (and yes, I did fantasize about her sisters).

[Gracie]

I think the issue is that our issue is our men have not chosen us.  They have hijacked our intimate life for a make believe life.  And when it is a relative that is part of that it makes us really feel we were not good enough.  In the beginning my husband said very mean things.  It was like he was possessed.  Those were the hardest to get past, and they still affect how I do things and view myself.  We have to believe it will get better.  But sometimes it feels we are doing ALL the work on the emotions of the relationship.  It is as if their physical recovery is more important.  It feels we are not enough or they view us as not enough.  For me it was like that saying, If God seems far away, better see who moved.  I wanted to say, everyday, if your wife seems far away, better see who moved.

[Objectified1]

Wathog, I'm  almost dumbfounded by your comment. And don't take this to be rude. But really? So that would make it better? Well at least it's different things he's attracted to in my sisters??? What?! How low is it to be fantasizing about yout wife's sisters for over a year while sleeping beside her etc. There are how many people in the world and he couldn't have at least respected that ?? And he didn't just whoops, Shouldnt have gone there, move on, kindof thing. Nope. He purposely continued it for over a year. What does that say?! And I do realized that porn and addiction can make us do things (make them) that they normally wouldn't or have change in Tastes etc... But when your fantasizing about something for over a year there must be something there that really does it for you. Makes me sick. It shows me that there's no limits for him. There's nothing he wouldn't do. He is obviously the kind of person who, if no one knows about it, it's game. His lack of concionse is downright scary. It's one thing to be fantasizing about people other then your wife but her sisters?! And for over a year?! Unreal. It really doesn't matter why he was attracted to them. To see someone as attractive is ok. Nothing wrong with it. But it's obviously crossing the line plus some to be then turning that into fuel for your orgasms. Full blown lust for, of all people, my sisters. I'm
Confused at how you feel that the thought that he likes other things about them then he does about me makes it any better Anyway, my night was ruined. Of course, couldn't sleep. My day is already ruined today because it was there in my head when I got up. I need to read and pray. DONT play into the Devils game, but how do I do otherwise ??

[Objectified1]

It is well with my soul,
Here's my heart make it whole,
For you I live,
In you I dwell,
Oh my soul,
It is well with my soul

This is the only way to heal such hurt and pain. It is for my Lord and Saviour. I need to look to him for my recognition, significance, meaning, love etc. I cannot expect that my husband can give me what only God can give. I have to realize that any man on earth will not be able to give me pure, unconditional love as God can. God knows I am hurting and he doesn't condemn me for that. He sees my tears and he knows my pain. He is here to help and I need to constantly turn to him. He is teaching me. Through this pain he is teaching and leading. He is saying, come to me. Your husband, the world, no one can heal your pain. Noone but me. The battle is real. God give me strength to forgive him and not be hateful and bitter.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Refrain:
It is well with my soul,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL80hXwyAac&index=15&list=LL0gtlvtafuxrOfzz8vglK1Q

[Warthog]

Wathog, I'm  almost dumbfounded by your comment. And don't take this to be rude. But really? So that would make it better? Well at least it's different things he's attracted to in my sisters??? What?! I'm
Confused at how you feel that the thought that he likes other things about them then he does about me makes it any better

Whoa....complete misunderstanding on your part.  What I am saying is that he is possibly attracted to the SAME things in them that he was attracted to in you.  That was the case in MY "problem". 

[Objectified1]

All 4 of my sisters? I highly doubt it. There are worlds of differences in the way we look. Sorry for the misunderstanding and thanks for clearing that up. That actually made me laugh....lol. Of course I would think the other way....haha.

[Objectified1]

These songs give me comfort. The only thing that gives me comfort is God. Thankful that I have a relationship with him.

I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”

Refrain:
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

For nothing good have I
Whereby Thy grace to claim;
I’ll wash my garments white
In the blood of Calv’ry’s Lamb.

And now complete in Him,
My robe, His righteousness,
Close sheltered ’neath His side,
I am divinely blest.

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
Can change the *leper’s spots [*leopard’s]
And melt the heart of stone.

When from my dying bed
My ransomed soul shall rise,
“Jesus died my soul to save,”
Shall rend the vaulted skies.

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus’ feet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38EVco7eba0&list=LL0gtlvtafuxrOfzz8vglK1Q&index=29&nohtml5=False

[Objectified1]

And yes, Gracie is so right. It hurts that he didn't chose me. It's most definitely much worse that it's my sisters. It feels like such a betrayal. I should be able to trust him with and around the people I love. I was telling him personal stuff about my sisters personal lives and I feel as if he took it and used it against me. You can bet I'll think twice before I share anything with him ever again. I used to share everything with my husband. Not anymore.

[Objectified1]

Haven't wrote in a while. There are some things I would like to make note of. First of all, because I have been subjected to my husbands issues and, in my opinion, mental illness, I have more or less become mentally ill. I have realized in the last few weeks that I actually have become an objectifier myself. Of course I am not Looking at women sexually  to get turned on or use in my fantasies but I rate all the women I see. I look at their bodies and not their faces. Some of The women, I don't even know what their faces look like. I am always looking to see what their butt, breasts etc look like. I am always on the look out to see where the objects he looks for are. I guess it's like always scanning for the threats. He claims he doesn't look and doesn't want to. He also claims that he isn't tempted anymore to look. We're taking about a compulsion he has had since he hit puberty and it's been a year since he supposedly started trying to stop and he is now all better? No, I don't believe it at all. I have to now heal myself. I have to leave him to God and I have to look for healing for myself. I need to pay attention to my internal dialogue. I need to be the master of my mind. I need To control my life and that starts by controlling my mind. He has already taken so much from me with this and I am allowing it by letting it set my moods and etc. I want to enjoy my life, I want to enjoy my children and I even want to enjoy my marriage. To do that I have to control my mind. I can and will chose to have the life I want. To enjoy the life I have. How much control will I give porn and my husbands poor choices? I will put in a full effort to not allow it to control me anymore. I need to make a full effort to love the life I have because it's the only life I have and it's a gift.

[Objectified1]

It's a great day to be alive and as Zig Ziglar says, "if you don't believe that just try missing one of them." Today I will make use of this day. I will bring glory to my God and creator. God did not create us to live low, deflated, defeated lives. No, he created us to thrive and be successful and that's just what I'm gonnea do!

[Objectified1]

I had a bad few days, maybe more.... Allowing myself to entertain negative thoughts and emotions. Sometimes I find it starts and before you even realize it your deep into some negative mind pattern. I want to be positive. My life is what I make it, I truly believe that. I am the only person I can control. I truly believe that. My experiences will be felt differently depending on how I percieve them and react to them. I tend to be verbally abusive when I am upset. I logically know this isn't the way to go, and I don't like making my husband feel crappy and as a result feeling crappy about myself. I love my husband I want to show him that. What will abusing him do to better the situation? The problem when I get upset is not that I don't think well, for the most part I don't think at all! I'm just in full blown reaction mode. I want to act, not react. When I am reacting I am not in control, I am allowing negative thoughts/circumstances to control me. I need to train myself to think, really. Not to let emotions take over but instead think, breath. And then ACT or maybe don't act. But don't REACT without first calculating the course of action. My life as a whole, I am just beginning to realize, is a reflection of me and my attitude. I knew my life is what I make it but not fully. Knowing that in word and understanding the concept is two different things as well. The mood of the people surrounding me can be greatly influenced by myself and my actions/ choice reactions. I want to be someone who people enjoy being around. When someone sees me coming I want them to feel relief. I have one friend that does that for me. She is SUCH an inspiration. She is positive, giving, loving, interesting, smart, outgoing, determined and when I see her coming the thoughts are always...... Yes! It's her! Oh I needed this! Some fun... Some enjoyment..... Etc. She just puts me in relax mode and brings a smile to my face always. She's never negative. Life is always la de dah in her world. I will work at trying to be that to others. My husband seems to be getting better and better for the most part. I feel bad for him at times, he takes my abuse well. Later when I say to him, because I always do, even though I know it doesn't "fix" it", I'm so sorry for bringing you down like that. I tell him, I know the Things I said are not true. When I'm angry it's so easy to paint you in the worst light and I'm sorry. He says it's ok, I know your hurting. And I say, it's no excuse. Two wrongs don't make a right. I want my husband to honestly feel like by choosing to marry me he made the best choice in the world. I want him to feel like I give him everything he could ask for. Even in the face of all of This. He took so much from us with his porn and fantasizing.... I doubt it will ever not hurt. But he says that he wants to give me the same. Why didn't he before? I know what it is. He turned inward, and when we turn inward all we are doing is thinking of us. Nothing positive ever comes out of selfishness . He became number one to him. He put himself above everyone and everything and indulged his selfish desires. When we think of others and put them first. Not only does it make them happy but it deeply satisfies us as well.