Author Topic: My journey to restoration  (Read 21545 times)

Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #75 on: July 15, 2016, 02:11:43 PM »
Gracie, I feel your pain. I am sorry to hear that you had to go through that. This is so tough. I as well feel i will never go back to being the way I was. This does forever change you. I sadly feel it's a hurt that won't ever go away. For the longest time, more so at first, and still subconsciously at times, I  will find myself trying to make excuses or figure out a rational explanation. For the longest time, months, that's what I was doing without even realizing it. I was constantly looking, racking my brain trying explain it to myself in a way that hurt just a little bit less. I would ask him the same questions over and over looking for a different answer even and I think in the beginning I subconsciously wanted a lie! Anything to hurt less. It took me almost till now to accept what it was. That he was actively wanting others, actually mentally and physically going trough the actions, the only
Missing piece being the actual people he was fantasizing about. It still hurts so badly and I can't even write it without crying. It took me a while to figure out that's what I was doing. I just couldn't accept at first that's what he was doing. I knew it but I think it hurt too much to accept. It was as if accepting it or not accepting it changed whether or not he was really doing it. Now I think I often feel such sadness and depression to a degree as I am starting to finally see, it is what it is. There's no way to minimize it or explain it away. I can't change it. I can't make it hurt less. I can't make it something better or less offensive then it looks. I have to see it for what it is and accept it. I am trying to also see that this is a time in his life that he made poor choices. This is not him. This does not define him. Like everyone else we make mistakes. He can change and he is changing and I have to take the risk to trust him again. I also realize that no matter where we are, even when we are fully recovered, looking back to what he did will always hurt.
I also have to accept this. I see why your upcoming surgery would cause anxiety for you. I never thought about it much but when a lot Of the stuff went on I was pregnant. So the next time I am
Pregnant I'm sure it will be hard. And I will be quite insecure. I hope not. I found that there was lots that brought back negative memories already that I didn't even expect. Things we used to do together before the fact .... They even make me upset because the good memories now are overshadowed with, what was he REALLY doing THEN? That time in our life that I enjoyed so much, was he fantasizing about others? How many times was I here with him blissfully unaware, all wrapped up in him while he was all wrapped up in fantasizes about another??
God help us Gracie. And he will if we go to him with our hurts and pain. He has endured so much more then us and he was even less deserving of it them we were. He is framiliar with our hurts. Prayers for you and the other women that go through this awful hurt.

He isn't "less" deserving of it.
He never deserves it at all.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2016, 09:09:03 AM by Objectified1 »

Gracie

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #76 on: July 21, 2016, 08:15:28 AM »
Just thought I would let you know I had the surgery.  Lots of triggers but he is taking care of me this time,  I keep letting him know when I feel bad.  I am home off work.  Been very tired.  This morning though he used a phrase he used when I had to ask for sex.  He asked, "Did I miss a signal?"  I, in a very cold voice said, "Do not ever use that phrase again!"  He was getting ready for work so we will talk about that this evening.  But oh the pain that shot through me.  I will probably hear him say that it was an accident and not on purpose but it just brings the memories back. 


Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #77 on: July 22, 2016, 10:11:40 PM »
Glad to hear he is taking care of you this time Gracie! I hope you guys can talk about it later and get
It cleared up. I know I have at times had him do things that reminded me of "then" and I know what you mean about it hurting. They don't quite understand either I don't feel. Some of the things he does shows me he doesn't yet and probably never will understand the pain he has caused and that I am still in. However with God all things are possible. Thanks for updating me Gracie. May God be with you as you heal from your surgery and this PA. Remember God is always with you.

Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #78 on: July 25, 2016, 09:01:35 AM »
What a journey. I have been very paranoid as of late. I have heard other wives of PA's say the same
Thing. We're always on guard for the smallest change now. If he's quiet, I wonder. If he
Looks at me funny, if he's distant. The slightest mood change I notice. I hate it really. I have to admit that this is the hardest thing I have done to date. I have to leave him and his recovery with God. Why do I struggle So hard with that? I can leave my bills with God. Why not my husband? I need to spend much time in prayer asking for Gods grace. I truly feel, no matter what any PA, book, website etc says that he doesn't love me. I am endearing to him, after all I have his children, but he didn't truly love me when we got married, which ultimately brought us here. Call me stubborn. I realize that many, many people have tried hard to convince me otherwise but I can't buy that. Wouldn't that be the comforting thing to believe? "Oh yes, he loves me. This was not about you, sex or other women". I'm sorry but I don't believe it. Maybe I should but I don't . Yes, I realize it BECAME an addiction. He weaves himself a web out of his deceit and lies. However it never started that way. It started as his wife not being enough. I ask him WHY?, his answer is always "I was selfish". Even hearing that hurts. I say to him, so selfishness is doing something That serves us and only us that we enjoy. What your saying when you say u was selfish is, "I really enjoy the thoughts of other women and getting off to them, so I did it even though it was hurtful to you".  I realize all that. I realize that he did this with no care or regard to me. What bothers me is the "I like the thoughts of other women and getting off to them".  He told Me when this first came out that he used to feel like he missed out. You know, didn't have enough pegs on his bedpost. But he assured me that was when we were first together and he hasn't felt like that in years. Your kidding me, right sweetheart?! Obviously that's not the case, or you wouldn't have been PMOing and MOing to my sisters and random girls in the bathroom. So when it comes down to it, I feel That yes, indeed,  the problem started long before we were together. In the sense that he never truly loved me. I was just another object he was lusting after, which is why he never felt satisfied or complete. If you have everything you've ever wanted, if you bought your dream car, house, or married the love of your life, do you feel like your missing out? NO! You certainly don't. So that brings us to here. Here we are recovering from his excessive lust to the point that he couldn't even be with me. I believe that it's many things. He doesn't know why or what he was doing because of his immaturity. In all ways he is very immature. Emotionally especially. I love him. However, I wish I had of listened to myself when I refused to date him for a year. I knew I wasn't his everything. I could tell. If I'm
Your everything, why does the rest of the world catch your eye so easily? But here we are. I feel like I grieve for what I THOUGHT I had. I feel so sad when I think if it. But then I think to myself why am I feeling sorry for myself. Life isn't fair, it just isn't. Sin enters the world and corrupts everything and we all suffer as a result. Jesus died for our sins, mine and his. He has forgiven him, I must too. There are better women out there then me who have been dealt worse hands and they didn't deserve it. What makes me think I should have ended up with better? There are no guarantees in life and love is in that list. We can't make other people do or Feel how we want, and we also can't assume That because we are sure about something, such as if we really love our spouse when we get married that they are as well. May God help me to accept my lot. My choices got me here.

Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #79 on: July 25, 2016, 05:27:15 PM »
I asked him for the millionth time today, how do You KNOW you love me? He said "I need you. You give me reason to become a better person. I couldn't imagine spending any part of my life without you. "  I don't even know why I keep asking. Will ANY answer make me feel better? Would anything convince me? I doubt it. I am hoping in time I can feel it again when he says it. I am praying that God will help me with that.

malando

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #80 on: July 25, 2016, 06:26:20 PM »
How do you know he doesn't love you? It seems like  you are hitching your entire wagon to his porn use being indicative of his level of love. But what if you're wrong? I can tell you that the two are not directly related to each other. I'm willing to chat to you about this via PM if you like, but I can tell you that there are very strong reasons why his porn use could be entirely not to do with you, nor his love for you. If he does in fact love you and you do want to get past this, you need to start considering the idea that this direct line you are drawing between love and no porn might be a fallacy. There's no denying the pain and hurt you've experienced from this. It's humiliating, disappointing, infuriating, hurtful and a dozen other adjectives, but it's not necessarily indicative of the things you believe right now. Only the fullness of time and an open mind will reveal the true state of affairs here. I'm not here to make excuses for men with P addictions, far from it. But I see you potentially making a prison for yourself with false equivalencies about what P means about love. That would be a crying shame. Try to break free of that and listen to what he's telling you. And learn as much as you can about what can cause P addiction.

Best wishes, M

Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #81 on: July 25, 2016, 11:42:15 PM »
If you read back in my journal, it's most definitely not all about his porn use. It's about so many more things. It's about his porn use and porn addiction, it's about his feeling he was "missing out" when we were first together. It's about his inability to keep his eyes and fantasies within our marriage ..... Thanks for the response to my post. I am trying quite hard to have an open mind and see this any possible way. However, I'm not about to accept any excuses or cover up (This sounds so much better then what really happened) stories. There are many "world views" that are completely ludicrous and wrong and that I refuse to even entertain. I am a Christian and my views and etc are aligned with what God teaches in the bible. It does not say if he loves me
Or not of course but it does say he has committed adultry.

Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #82 on: August 01, 2016, 11:50:52 AM »
The journey thus far;
 Well, first I was so taken off guard. I was crushed. It blew me right off my feet. It was like my life was a mirage and it was all coming down. When he would tell me things at the beginning of his staggered lying disclosure, initially I wouldn't feel anything. Then later it would hit me like a brick. It came in waves I have to say. I was so hurt, I can't even describe the pain I felt.
 Regret, oh I regretted the day I said I do, or even before that. I saw this in him and refused to date him for a year because of it. But then I just allowed my heart to get in the way and brushed it off as nothing. Me being ridiculous. All guys look, right? Whats my problem? Looks like I Was wrong. Now I see it was a symptom of a deeper problem and my gut was right. ALWAYS trust your instincts.
Then it was depression....Of course this is not really an accurate list or description, its just some of what I remember.
Depression, deep depression from the realization that I have really been alone my entire marriage. My husband is with me but was never committed to me. Our entire relationship he's been lusting after others and "missing out", while I was feeling completed in him. Makes you feel like the last one in line at gym class that no-one wanted. The last person left to chose got you because there was no-one else left. Like I'm the one he's with, the one he settled for, but if he had the guts or confidence and he was to go after what he REALLY wanted, it wouldn't be me. Its all "those" women he lusts after out there. Im just all that was available to him at the time.
Then the loneliness. Have you ever felt alone while your with someone? Extreme loneliness. I felt so invisible. It was like I felt how he made me invisible for years, when I didnt even know it, all at once, NOW. I felt SO lonely. Theres really no other way to describe it.
Ugly - Wow, did I feel ugly. I still do to a large degree and I don't know why my head can't get out of that space now. I really wish it would. I know its so silly to feel that way. He can't change how I look by how he feels or what he does. If I wasnt ugly before I am not now because he never saw my beauty.
Part of what really hit me so hard, man did it hurt, was when he told me the reason he chose to masturbate to my little sister, who is more then 10 years younger then me. I asked him why, what was so much better about her? Why? He said that she hadn't ruined her body having children. He now says that I put him on the spot and was forcing him to give an answer NOW and so he just said what came to his head, what I always said. I believe him about as much as I believe anything he says....not at all. I said, what makes her body better? He said that he thought her body would be firmer....lovely.
I feel so ugly around any young girls now....especially small girls, which I always was. I am not large now but I definitely could be smaller.
And there were countless other feelings along the way, devalued, humiliated, hateful...Boy I hated him so much, so often. Stupid. I felt so stupid that he did all that behind my back and I had no idea. Did I ever feel stupid.
Angry, that was a big one and one that has lasted the longest thus far. I mean, I still feel all the others to a degree and more so at some times then others. But angry, so angry. I feel like he cheated me. He cheated me so much. If I wasn't his all, why would he say I do? Because he never thought of me. His whole life has evolved around him, everything is about him.
Sad, I am sad. Right now, my feelings are a mix between everything I described but mainly, sad, angry and frustrated. I am sad that this has been our life to date. I am sad for what I never had. I need to move on and concentrate on now, I realize this, but I don't know what I have NOW. What do we have?
I am confused as well. What is love? What should we expect as love? The lovey dovey feeling that everyone thinks is love, I know this is childish and doesn't last a lifetime, nor will it ever keep a relationship. A relationship needs more real lasting things other then wishy washy feelings. But is it really a fairy tale to expect to have a husband that is committed to me and me only? If he loves me while he is lusting after others and masturbating to the thoughts of others, what should I expect when someone DOESN'T love me??  How can I gauge what is or isn't love? I am not expecting wishy washy lovey dovey all over each other love, but WHAT should I expect?? I really can't wrap my head around this. What should I expect when I get married? What does marriage and his love give me? What DO I get from him?
So I feel frustrated over that. I feel angry, but I am starting to just feel sad more then angry...which I think is good. Its easier to think when I am sad and I can talk to him when I am sad. I can talk and just accept that things are as they are. Maybe I am starting to accept it as it is. This is just what I now have as a relationship. Love, what is love?
« Last Edit: August 01, 2016, 12:42:51 PM by Objectified1 »

Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #83 on: August 02, 2016, 06:27:42 PM »
Yesterday was the worst day I had in forever. Note - if feeling bad about all this junk, DO NOT listen to love songs. That's how it started. Really just feeling sorry for myself. My poor husband. I was hateful to him I have to say. However once I got up this am I decided enough to that. Wallowing in the past and in what happened and in what I DONT have and etc is childish and won't get me anywhere. As I have stated before, there have been better that has gotten a worse hand in life. Not to mention the fact that I am where I'm at because of the Choices I've made. I chose my husband. That's why I have him. I'm not saying I regret that, at this moment I don't, but at times I do. And even though at times I don't admit it, I saw the signs that there was a problem. Something wasn't just right. I stayed away for a year. Kept a safe distance, but i kept playing at it till I couldn't use my head anymore and then it was my heart making the choices. All logic is lost then. Some messages I sent hubby today :
Just so you know. I'm done with all that stuff. Worrying about what your doing and when and why. Im done with fretting over the PAST. It's past and I want to move on. So I'm not having anything to do with any of it. If your here I'll assume that you know what I expect out of our relationship. Commitment, to be your ONLY one & effort for our relationship. I expect you to put God first. With that of course comes that I  expect you to stay away from bad influences and guard your heart and mind. I DONT expect to have to do it for you at all and I won't anymore. I will assume that you are always honest with me and I'll take your word at face value. Please be careful to not change or alter the truth in anyway because it will
Come across the same as a full out lie and destroy everything faster then we can ever build it. That means excluding information as well. ANY information. I love you. I'll bring my concerns to God and trust that you are putting sufficient value on our relationship.

malando

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #84 on: August 02, 2016, 11:30:10 PM »
Sounds great, O1! I wish you all the luck in the world with the next phase of your life. You deserve a new beginning.

M.

Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #85 on: August 05, 2016, 08:50:09 PM »
I've been praying a lot about all this and I think things are really starting to click. At times I feel resistant to any "why" because I am afraid to accept anything as an excuse. But understanding doesn't mean I am excusing. I just couldn't for the life of me, for this entire year UNDERSTAND, what, or why. And I can't move past or heal until I know why. I'm just that Kindof person. It happened for a reason and in my mind it's looming there always ever ready to happen again unless I know WHY. Today, just today I red an article that opened my eyes. It's not the women per say that he wants, it's not even really about the sex. It's about how fantasizing and pretending to have Sex with these people makes him feel. It's still hurtful yes, he made the wrong choices yes. But I can see now that even though what he did was devalue me and treat me like I was undesirable and unwanted that's now what it was. It really wasn't about me. He was feeling like he had failed me and like I also felt like he failed me. He was 1) hiding from it in make believe ( I can never understand how full grown men do this but whatever), 2) trying to get intimacy and acceptance from others. Trying to fill the void that was there from him avoiding me more or less because he felt like he failed me. He had never failed me. I never thought he had failed me. Because he chose to PMO and etc he then did ultimately fail me. He should have just talked to me. This would've all been avoided. I would've told him that my world evolves around him. I would've told him that he means everything to me. I would've told him that the only way he could ever fail me is to not want me, not love me, or want others instead of me. I think I can start to get past this now. Thank God. I feel
I'll still have angry moments but fewer hopefully. Here's the article that really helped me today. http://www.covenanteyes.com/2016/05/17/the-growl-of-an-empty-stomach/ 

offaxis

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #86 on: August 12, 2016, 04:28:31 PM »
Hello Objectified1,

I hope you're doing well and thank you for posting your thoughts and feelings here. It's always good to read your reflections to understand the partner's side better. The article you linked also resonated a lot with me and gave me something personally to reflect upon.

I still can feel a lot of your hurt and anger coming through along with the frustration and unfairness of this all.

Ultimately, only your husband I think can answer why from deep inside himself after a lot of soul-searching and perhaps professional help. This has been really necessary for me personally but it's something I still need to work a lot on. For me personally, it came down to shame, stigma and (hidden) excitement around sex from childhood. I had (have) a warped understanding of what sex really is about. I just didn't think of it in quite the same way as you "normal" people do. I strongly agree with you about the whole re-learning process.

Your husband has hurt himself in the same ways he has hurt you. He has failed himself first and foremost. I think when he can see and accept you two need to be one and same in that understanding of the hurt and damage then perhaps some forgiveness will start to form in both your hearts. I wish and hope that for you because I can see you both love each other. I think as much as you need to understand, your husband does too. And when he does, he can then share that with you from a place of abundance. It is a fine line between understanding "why" and accepting explanations alongside genuine change compared to swallowing excuses or rationalisations where the root behaviour still goes on. If you worry these things are still going on, that is not easy. And neither is processing the lessons from the past either.

I hope you can keep towards the path of acceptance although it is a difficult and twisting path at times. Please keep posting, I do very much appreciate your thoughts and feelings.

Peace.


Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #87 on: August 12, 2016, 05:40:35 PM »
Thanks for your post offaxis. :)

Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #88 on: February 06, 2017, 07:21:24 PM »
Wow, it's been a while since I posted. I have bought and read more books and we have started counselling. I'll tell you, any women who is enduring this torture. Get counselling. Even though it seems like things are blowing over, it's always there and we need to heal, we need to heal. A good counsellor, not just any. Please do your research first! Most counsellors don't understand porn addiction or sexual addictions at all and the women gets the crapy end of the stick. Getting bad advice such as, "you might as well stop trying because you won't understand anyway", " men are visual", "men have higher sex drives", "porn is not cheating" etc etc. Go to someone who has "been there, done that". Right now we are receiving counselling through redemptive living - Shelly and Jason Martinkus. He himself was A sex addict and she got past it. They survived, are still
Together and it's 13 years later. I am still struggling my day to day. I believe hubby is clean and has been for a year or more but the problem is our lack of trust now. He lied so much through his staggered disclosure and etc that I can't believe him. We still struggle With being around "those ones" (provocatively dressed women etc). He acts all uncomfortable whenever one of them exists. Drives me mad and makes me think he wants to look at them. He claims he doesn't that the problem is just that he's afraid I will think he's looking.... hmmmm. Anyway, just a quick update.

aquarius25

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #89 on: February 06, 2017, 09:10:58 PM »
Great to hear you guys are still communicating and working on things!

Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #90 on: February 07, 2017, 01:08:49 PM »
Thanks Aquarius. He really has come a long way and I am very happy for that.

Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #91 on: February 17, 2017, 12:18:23 PM »
I copied and pasted this response that I put in the partners forum. I want to keep it here for my reference and so others can benefit from it. If we mean enough to our husbands then they will put the necessary work into recovery. Which really means getting outside of their comfort zone and dealing with emotions instead of stuffing them. I have learned that one of the reasons for escape into sexual things is the complete distraction sexual arousal causes. It blocks out all other thoughts/emotions and it is multifaceted. It is emotional, visual and physical. When with a real partner it is also Scent and taste. I have learned that men who become addicted to this stuff actually have replaced their "trigger" for arousal. So in a perfect world a man is "triggered" to sexual arousal by intimacy - real emotional intimacy, with his wife/significant other. In our over sexualized world most people have replaced this trigger with "naked". So men who watch porn and ogle etc, like pavilions dog, hear the bell, (see naked women) and are triggered to sexual arousal. A man who is addicted to porn is past this even. Instead of naked women - arousal, it goes, negative emotion - arousal. Then starts the chain of him looking for things to aid towards orgasm. Orgasm for men is associated with feeling or euphoria and relief..... the ahhhhhhh feeling. When a man orgasms it actually shuts down the anxiety/fear centers in his brain. So a man addicted to porn or the like gets triggered to sexual arousal from nonsexual things like negative emotions .... he has trained his brain to actually respond to these negative emotions with a sexual response. This is how it's not even about sex for them. Once he's triggered mentally.... say he goes to work and had a bad day.... his brain automatically clicks due
To the stress and negative emotions (think your mouth watering when you think about sour candy), without him even realizing it his brain and body is preparing. It's saying stress/ anxiety = reward, in this case orgasm. It's an automatic response that he has created in his body. Once this Reaction is subconsciously triggered, chemicals and the like have already started surging through his body, although at this point not in huge quantities. He is then in a hyper-alert state. Usually men still don't realize anything is going on at this point. He starts to notice the women around him (his brain is looking for MORE of the drugs that have started to release). Each inappropriate glance at a women increases it. Then men go through a ritual at this point.... the "ritual" can take anywhere from hours to months (with our men it was probably down to hours). The ritual leads to their acting out of course. . I'm sure many of you already know this stuff but it helped me understand how it wasn't about sex. I couldn't understand why he used "sex" as his drug either till it was explained. I would agree I suppose that sexual arousal can be quite distracting.  Hubby explained it as , he would feel stress/anxiety etc (never realized this stuff then) & then he would feel the need for a release. So it wasn't , look - girl, she turns me on, I want her, I better go masturbate to the thoughts of her. It was "I'm frustrated. In pops a random thought. It would be nice to have an orgasm." Then starts the subconscious chain of events to achieve one. He totally separated sex from  an intimate act. Sex wasn't sex, nor was it about anything sex should be about, such as loving another individual and being physical intimate as a result of personal, close, emotional intimacy.  It was a release from pressure or anxiety. It was turned into his brains subconscious "stress release". It still hurts. I don't think it ever won't, but understanding why helps a bit. So our Counsellor has him doing things like, randomly stopping through his day, thinking about how he feels, what's going on around him and writing it down. If he has the thought, " I need a release/orgasm" pop  into his head, he ha to immediately stop, evaluate what's going on, how he's feeling etc and replace tjatbthoight with a loving comforting memory surrounding someone he loves. Amongst other things. I have seen more progress with our counselling through redemptive living in the last month then I have seen in the last year and a half. Just yesterday we went to Costco. Usually this results in me leaving quite upset as I encounter many triggers. However he sent me texts the wellie way through whenever he saw me looking uncomfortable, he told me in detail how much he loved me and how much i mean to him and how he has absolutely no desire to look at anyone else BEFORE we went in and he asked how I was and & volunteered  loving things as soon as we left. I was moved to tears. He has never done that and I felt SO loved afterwards. I am feeling so hopeful. I am beyond thankful I decided to take the step and et Counselling from someone who has been there. We tried two other counsellors with no results because really, they had no idea what they were doing. I wish the best of luck to You all .

bob

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #92 on: May 14, 2017, 12:51:37 PM »
Wonderful post Objectified1,

It helped me better understand my struggles during this whole process.

Peace



Objectified1

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Re: My journey to restoration
« Reply #93 on: May 25, 2017, 09:57:12 AM »
Glad to hear it!