Author Topic: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot  (Read 53811 times)

Gabriel1960

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Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« Reply #350 on: May 03, 2017, 07:47:07 AM »
Alcohol - Twenty years
Credit cards - nine years
Social media - five years
Gambling - one year
Sugar - One year
Rage - three months
Porn - two days
YouTube - two weeks
Reddit.com - zero days
PMO - over one year

I've been working my ass off on releasing this porn thing, and I'm getting pretty close.

This week I've come to terms with the reality that I've got an emotional attachment (call it an "addiction" if you will) to self disgust. I've come to learn to enjoy and even find comfort in the self disgust provided by porn. That's a surprise, and not a place where I want to be today. It's good to know this.

Secondly, I've listed many, many reasons to step away from porn, but the only one I can find that is sufficiently compelling for me to end porn use, is the emotional distress I always experience during and after using it. That, for me, is a compelling reason to quit. I might be stressed, or distressed, before choosing to use porn, but I'm *definitely* emotionally distressed during and after using it.

The porn-induced emotional distress is real, tangible, and even measureable. It's worth it for me to give up the emotional distress that porn always gives rise to.

Love to all.

Gabriel1960

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Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« Reply #351 on: May 05, 2017, 07:48:44 AM »
My focus is (what in AA they call) "emotional sobriety."

Porn for me is an emotional relapse, only 100% of the time. PMO, or no PMO.

Today my focus is emotional sobriety, which necessarily means living porn free.

Gabriel1960

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Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« Reply #352 on: May 07, 2017, 02:23:14 PM »
Alcohol - Twenty years
Credit cards - nine years
Social media - five years
Gambling - one year
Sugar - One year
Rage - three months
Porn - a week, since April 30th
YouTube - a day
Reddit.com - zero days
PMO - over one year

I'm kind of free-falling with YouTube and Reddit, but I'm so pleased with being released from porn, that I'm not worrying about it.

workinprogressUK

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Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« Reply #353 on: May 09, 2017, 03:24:58 AM »
This week I've come to terms with the reality that I've got an emotional attachment (call it an "addiction" if you will) to self disgust. I've come to learn to enjoy and even find comfort in the self disgust provided by porn. That's a surprise, and not a place where I want to be today. It's good to know this.

Ditto that attachment, Gabe. Thanks for sharing. My deepest seated addiction is to self-loathing. I've come up with any number of new and creative ways to be disgusted with myself. Some sort of twisted logic that if I'm already disgusted with myself.... then it won't hurt when somebody else says they're disgusted with me. Makes perfect sense to me  ;D :o

Thankfully, I'm slowly managing to drag that anchor. Making some progress away from it. Slow and imperfect progress it is.... but the longer I maintain my own version of "emotional sobriety".... the more balanced a self-view I have.

Wishing you every strength in kicking that porn attachment. Serenity, Courage, Wisdom and all that.

Gabriel1960

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My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« Reply #354 on: May 14, 2017, 11:48:49 AM »
Ditto W-I-P.

Alcohol - Twenty years
Credit cards - nine years
Social media - five years
Gambling - one year
Sugar - One year
Rage - three months
Porn - two weeks
YouTube - zero days
Reddit.com - zero days
PMO - over one year

My next frontier is abstaining from intense emotions and, separately, solo internet use (except for work or health related blogs, like this one). That includes news media sites. Woo-hoo! I'll return to them someday down the road, but for now, it's abstinence from strong emotions, and internet media abstinence, time.

This will *definitely* make my life fuller and more joyful, and less isolated!! Hooray!

Gabriel1960

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Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« Reply #355 on: May 24, 2017, 07:03:19 PM »
Porn - over three weeks
YouTube - week and a half
Reddit.com - week and a half
PMO - over one year

Finding myself reading a lot more. That's awesome.

Gabriel1960

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Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« Reply #356 on: June 05, 2017, 07:24:49 PM »
Porn - over a month.

Remaining off of the media sites. Find myself better at taking care of personal and financial tasks, as a result.

Gabriel1960

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Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« Reply #357 on: June 13, 2017, 08:01:13 AM »
I've used porn in the past to help smooth out my emotions. Now that I'm not using porn, I have to deal with these strong emotional outbursts. That's my new frontier.
My last emotional outburst was on 6/7/17. I'd like to get some abstinence together in that area.

Gabriel1960

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Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« Reply #358 on: July 18, 2017, 09:23:00 PM »
I now have 21 days off PMO.
I visited my 92 year old excuse for a father (Jerry) about 21 days ago, and he was his usual upsetting, annoying self.  I got so upset, that I turned to sugar, and then to PMO, is calm down. It did calm me down. Now I have 21 days off sugar and PMO.
It's been suggested that I exclude Jerry from my life. I'm heading in that direction.
I need to make my mental and emotional health my supreme goal. Need to let them (Jerry and another relative) know that I need to remove myself from the situation to maintain my own sanity......for health reasons.
« Last Edit: July 18, 2017, 09:32:12 PM by Gabriel1960 »

Gabriel1960

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Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« Reply #359 on: August 09, 2017, 07:19:03 PM »
Having some trouble with the counter.

I have 43 days today.  Really pleased with my progress!

Love to all.

zzz

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Re: My Journal: The Neuro-Chemical Autopilot
« Reply #360 on: August 09, 2017, 08:16:51 PM »
That's awesome man !

Regards your prev post .. something about the way you wrote it .. it's like we have this subtle notion that if things get hard enough or we you get upset enough then it's ok to PMO etc ... like above a certain threshold of bad in our personal lives PMO becomes acceptable ... but hey, that's like a wife basher saying 'I know I promised never to do it again but I got terribly upset ...

It's the classic addiction thing .. the secret contracts we make with ourselves where we can transgress under certain conditions ...

But we can do better .. how about 'no matter how upset dad will make me I will never PMO again ever' ...