Author Topic: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness  (Read 2604 times)

OneYear

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21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« on: February 26, 2016, 09:57:10 AM »
21 years old

14 years of addiction to MO/PMO

Childhood/Teen traumas

"Toxic" family

Broken heart

"Kissless" virgin (proud & NOT worried)

Patently attractive/good looking

Enough clear goals in mind

mike510

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2016, 01:44:42 AM »
Were all in the same boat bro..last year was by far one of the loneliest Years for after I found out I had porn induced ed... U gotta think positive in order to have a successful reboot..there will be many bad days but embrace it.there's a light at the end of the tunnel and u will become a better person because of this struggle

OneYear

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2016, 05:24:44 AM »
I HATE my family. Actually I've always been affraid of them, but now I'm just annoyed. This is what happens when you are humiliated and beaten on a daily basis I guess. It reverbated in my social life too and I'm finally finishing my health struggle alone with some bitterness, and tiredness off course.

But a thing I learn from "Dirty Little Secret part 3" by Terry Crews (he struggled with the same issue) on Facebook is that when I relapsed, when I failed, it set me up for self-pity, justifying and blaming the world. Whereas the real person to blame is me, well it is not good to blame ourselves but there's such a thing called merit, REAL humility (not learned helplessness). And I have to UNDERSTAND why I failed, where I come from. And I understood that. And living as hard as I can for my own health and shape is the best thing I can do for me and every person I like.

Indeed, PMO/MO/Lust/entertainment etc. are SELFISH sins. I'm not particurlarly religious but I do believe in my God and I know there is that pure light at the end of the tunnel. I experienced a tiny bit of that awesome (normal atually) state in May 2013 when I was 2 month clean of M and P and I met the most beautiful and amazing girl I ever met. She was a year older than me, athletic, simply a living dream!!! And plus she was close to me and we were laughing touching and all that stuff. But I lost it because I relapsed in the summer holidays and I became that zombie again, I was like broke inside and dead-living outside. And even if she was still smiling at me and laughing to make me feel "alive" or reacting I was already broken hearted by my own behavior. But I struggled to contact her through FB and SMS but now I know I must mainly heal myself first. It is taking care of myself for my eventual signicant other. That is a life lesson that everybody should apply.

There is another thing called karezza, a concept developed in the book "Cupid's Poison Arrow" by Marnia Robinson where orgasm have to be avoided in order to maintain the energy in the couple, where we have to simply live and feel the present moment and synchronize our movement and breathing. That's it. And I think I've always been made for that form of relationship, true, real, intense, etc.

Oh also, that toxic PMO lead me to be very late on my study work and future, and it piss me off.

OneYear

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2016, 02:00:01 PM »
I am a wanker and a lazybones. And I have to stop the bullsh!ts. It's simple as that. Why always describing justifying sh!ts, OK it is true that addiction is real, now what?? Go and live your life squarely no matter what. Go through the anxiety, discomfort, tears, loneliness but keep your own self-disciplined integrity no matter what. THAT'S IT.

OneYear

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2016, 03:43:06 PM »
I think actually no one respect me. Everybody ignores me. I have so much on my mind between obsession, stress and regrets and I'm getting thin (you'd say "average") but I'm not in the real shape I want damn! I malnurrish myself, I get lazy, immature, fooling like a jerk alone. Internet off course. What would I be without Internet? There is so much on my mind and time just don't give a sh!t it passes at the same old pace slowly fast (time overflow pisses me off!!).

Internet is actually the most controllable emotional trigger, it provides all types of emotions. As a human being I need emotional contact, connexion, joy, positive breakthroughs, laughter and all that. But with Internet all that gets super easy to access, superficial, on a wild range, but real human contact is the only thing Internet can not provide. That is the 10% thing that lack and I profit a looot from these 90% remaining, cutting myself from the real world, from social awkwardness, social situation, social conections, discussion, even though I AM a social person! I AM the type of guy that make everybody laugh or the guy that go talking to the girl laughing and all that stuff, I most like people older than me (and just forget about those who are under my age lol).

Maybe it's my high "social integrity", my own requirements that may be loud. But it is part of me so I can't change that. This is my style. And I do like it. BUT I'm aware I have to make the effort to make social connections with ALL kind people. This is what I did through my last internship. I have to adapt my communication according to the age, the beliefs, the integrity of the persons and it is why it is fun, it is like a game where you gain some sort of skills and I find that pretty rewarding! But at the same time, I have my own emotions to "master". Well not "mastering" but letting flows into the situation naturally. For example there was a time where I discussed about the subject of women with this hilarious guy during my last internship he was 26 marrried and had a daughter. But yet he had a kinda "hot" youth. And so he basically said he had like 3-4 girlfriends at the same time when he was my age (20). And it was totally NOT my perspective. Indeed I fight to be "pure" and I want only one relationship. And after a little silent with tiny tears in the eyes, I said that to him. And he was a bit shocking but cool and he said "you're serious that's good" and he add" but that's not good when you're young, you have to test different things and stick with a person you find great". But even though it made a bit sense, it is not what I'm about. For me the act, the relationship, the feelings, one's virginity is "gifted", it is the most intimate thing you can give to the person you love. So I continued to argue about my OWN integrity about this with a smile and he was cool respecting my choice. And I felt like "responsible" at that time, like I was assuming myself through the pain it may causes and the bitterness. I knew I was in my own struggle to beat this to live the life I always wanted to live. This is what I'm about. Being FINALLY myself.

So now it is the title of my journal, it is loneliness. I'm alone and very alone, with bitter nostalgia, regrets, past dwelling but the past is the past. And my brain is in this past-fog thinking about relapses, missed opportunities, justifications, but damn get over it brainy!! lol. Make me rich, make me in amazing shape, make me extremely wealthy, make me surrounded by positive amazing good people, make me get what I want! There's a thing called autosuggestion. But I just see myself having the things I want already in my possession everynight I guess, I do it naturally without even thinking about it. I have to condition my subconscious by habits, thoughts and real results and over and over till I get what I want. But I've always been doing that naturally since I'm a boy maybe. That is why I met some very beautiful girls through my beginning life. And they become more and more beatiful and multiple as I grow that is so good lol. But I have to get in shape for me, for them, mentally, physically. That's all. And it may look like a "game" or something but it is very risky especially if I have a CRUSH for a super beautiful girl that seems to HAVE A CRUSH TO ON ME damn!!! And then you relapse and you lost her all you got is bittersweet memories and humiliation and tears!!!  :'( But one thing I know is that, if it's the case, I always get more than the biggest thing I lost, especially in the girl subject. Even though now I'm very alone and imagine myself all alone during all my life, but that's bullsh!t! lol.

So to sum up:
_Internet is ultra-accessible and controllable and provide emotions I need as a human being BUT not real human contact and real good connections which is VERY important.
_My social requirements are what they are it is what I am BUT I have to handle loneliness, tears, communication with other persons staying NATURAL. And it is fun! lol.
_Dwelling on the past is the easiest thing I can do and it is hard not doing it BUT I have to act right, be on time and APPLY my own self-disciplined integrity. NO MATTER how tough is the pain, it will may be the best thing for me actually to get through it.

That's it: no Internet bigger than 30 minutes (now that I got all the knowledge I needed in some pdfs mp3s or videos lol), make connections with real people (but don't forget to respect myself obviously) and apply that damn daily integrity on time (I will get through this stronger and better).



Diesel driver

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2016, 06:00:27 PM »
OneYear,

why do you keep making new accounts? I hope you do not do this out of shame because shame is a powerful trigger for relapse. Also it's always a bummer because every support you get from other users is swept under the rug every time you change accounts/ topics so frequently. Giving advice and support is a serious time investment and other users should have the chance to read it, too.

Anyway, stay strong and have a good time.

OneYear

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2016, 03:07:36 AM »
Pretty much stressed and anxious this morning as I literally did nothing guring my 2 weeks vacation for school or my future.

But yet always that motivation and little joy inside of me.


mike510

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2016, 06:02:02 AM »
Yo I have felt like shit a lot my self... I've been free of pmo for 7 months now but it hasn't been easy.. I also lost a beautiful woman that I could actually see my self with..getting married, having kids...basically just having a beautiful life with this person but I myself also felt like a zombie when I first found out I had pied... I didn't know how to react and I never told the woman I wanted to be with what was reay going on with me..I worked a 12 hour shift so it was already hard to see her and I basically just closed myself to everyone from the pain I was experiencing leading to the end of that relationship.. But after 7 months of no pmo I can say I've been in the best shape of my life since I stopped boxing..I feel more motivated..I've been able to get a better job.. I just feel more hungry and ambitious and I just can't wait to make up for all that time I wasted throughout the years on porn...my friend there is hope.. I was able to break my addiction because I despise porn for messing up a beautiful relationship..u should also feel that way and trust me u will be able to break the adduction.I'm still not cured but I'm seeing lots of improvement...good luck on your reboot and keep yo head up..just grab life by its horns an make up for that lost time...much luv and have a good 1

OneYear

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #8 on: February 29, 2016, 10:42:06 AM »
Having an intimate life with the girl I love. When I say to myself that it's possible, I feel humiliated and ridiculous (I see my parents family members degrading me or laughing at me). And when I realised that it is possible, it's a whole new world I discover. A world of respect, recognition and interest and laughter, a joy, a happiness, a warmth, a peace. A happiness that I never accessed in my parents family. This is why I find the girl I like so touching I guess, she's amazing.

OneYear

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #9 on: February 29, 2016, 05:01:19 PM »
I'm about to break that big ice cube where I've been entrapped for so long. Regenerating my health till becoming myself again, letting depression burn in the obliviousness. Feeling the warmth and living happy again, this time forever.

OneYear

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2016, 08:43:41 AM »
Really tired today. One of these mornings, head in the ***, not taken a shower. Not enough rest definately. Loneliness, bitterness, tears, emptiness. I feel weak but I gotta prepare my meal, eat, tidy up my room, getting my things done. I can't help myself dwelling on missed opportunities, on broken heart, this pain is like some mystic knifes in my chest and heart and head. It's from my previews relapses of the last 3 years I guess. I simply have to let that inertia stop from itself, giving up on that addict trait and toxic sh!ts. Focusing and applying my necessary things for me to live my life normally. That bitter brain fog pain is really slowing me down when it comes to taking basic actions for the day. And so I get late, I go to bed late, I even miss the dinner sometimes, without even check a single school stuff, damn this has to stop. Better to get the daily things done with pain than remaining on the bed paralyzed with distractions with pain. I choose the action way.

OneYear

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #11 on: March 01, 2016, 11:42:56 AM »
Why paying the price? Why thinking hard and getting obsessed with some health, finances and psychology stuffs? Why applying as hard as I can my own self disciplined integrity I promised to myself? Why not simply accept being part of the crowd and accept or forgive the evil I may experienced, the same evil rationalized by most people and medias? Tell me why, why are you so crazy, acting like a lone wolf or something even if I know you're awesome?...
I do this for the ability to live my love life. To live my love life forever.
Now I got some studies and workout to do.

OneYear

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #12 on: March 01, 2016, 02:02:05 PM »
I'm literally drunk of tiredness lol.

OneYear

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Re: 21yo - My year of extreme loneliness
« Reply #13 on: March 02, 2016, 11:44:15 AM »
Well I'm doing well enough on the anihilation of lust/sexual sins/MO/P and all that rationalized sh!t from my life. I subscribed here for sharing my story as long as I do one year. I think I'm going to quit this site. there are so many dumb sexual sinners here. Im not belonging to any religion but I feel a terrible stupid ego here regarding men getting women through the porn/lust prism. Ya'll gonna say "if both persons agree it's ok" or "we have to live in the modern time" but bullsh!ts sex outta mariage or significant union is a loud sexual waste a life force drainer and it reverbates on the social surrouding of the 2 sinners, their own future (especially relationship). And pouf we have a good old rationalized debauchery, promoted in the medias and entertainment sh!ts and just a FEW people like me who are determined and stick with purity are going to effectively WIN this sad addictions game. So definately, f**k all yall I'm annoyed with that mediocre mentality, social stupidity and so on lol. Parasites, here's your obliviousness. I'm gone.