Author Topic: My story  (Read 3760 times)

mtnman6288

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My story
« on: February 24, 2016, 08:07:48 AM »
I'm 40. I first saw Playboy when I was 5 years old. At 12, my 16 year old neighbor got his hands on some porn videos, which he showed to the other kids in the neighborhood. He and I also had a co-masturbation experience, though I was too young to climax. I never thought much of that until I was older, eventually concluding that this experience MUST be what led me to my porn addiction.

By the time I hit my mid 30s, the cycle became routine: once in the am before work with my phone; once at home at lunch, and sometimes one more at night while my wife slept upstairs.

It all seems so stupid. I've been married 16+ years, have two great kids, am an upstanding member of the church and community, yet I've lived with this secret addiction for years.

Now I'm realizing it is the high speed internet porn that got me going. This goes back to about 1997. Internet porn, all the time, for 19 years.

I also run a business, and it's very stressful. Internet porn has been a stress reducer in that I take that quick hit of dopamine in the am which helps me kick the day into gear.

I've wanted to stop for a long long time.

I googled Internet porn addiction after my last session and my eyes were finally opened to the brain science part of this. I'm on day 2 of sobriety. I know it's going to be a battle. Work is extremely stressful right now, and I can already tell that stress is my #1 trigger.
So I'm a bit nervous about how that will go.

I also have a 14 year old son who I need to have a talk with ASAP so I can warn him of the dangers. Also nervous about that.

I've distracted myself from my morning porn routine by writing this journal entry.

Looking forward to this journey.

FreedSoul

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Re: My story
« Reply #1 on: February 24, 2016, 08:35:32 AM »
Hi,

you have taken the first steps. Good job.   I would highly recommend reading unchained diary from the beginning.

He has excellent words of wisdom.

Good luck and stay strong.

Brooklyn Jerry

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Re: My story
« Reply #2 on: February 24, 2016, 10:04:07 AM »
This sure can become a nasty habit and a time waster.  A few years ago I got in the habit of watching porn almost every evening before I left work. I would lock up the shop doors and spend at least a half hour on the net and jerk off.

mtnman6288

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Re: My story
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2016, 11:28:00 AM »
Yeah, there have been plenty of times I've done that too--stay later than needed so I could look at porn.  Come home late to dinner with my lovely wife and kids waiting for me...

Ugh.

mtnman6288

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Temptations
« Reply #4 on: February 24, 2016, 01:07:53 PM »
This morning laying in bed, I woke up to my first full day of PMO free during a regular weekday in a long time. (I often go while weekends without PMO because my schedule doesn't allow it.) it seems that my addiction keeps scheduled control over my life!

Here I am, home for lunch. I am feeling extremely tempted, but I know I will resist, because I'm still buzzing from the excitement starting this journey.

But wow my brain wants its hit of dopamine right now. 

Brooklyn Jerry

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Re: My story
« Reply #5 on: February 24, 2016, 01:40:53 PM »
Don't give in to it. I sure know it isn't easy. I live alone so I can do what I want, but even though it's raining and I don't have anything that needs to get done I made up my mind to be porn and mo free since I know that doing so cured the ED problem, even at age 66.

mtnman6288

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Re: My story
« Reply #6 on: February 24, 2016, 02:19:34 PM »
Thanks Jerry.

I was able to beat it.  It seems like the urge comes on strong, but once my brain moves past it I'm good. For a while at least

harry

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Re: My story
« Reply #7 on: February 24, 2016, 04:07:36 PM »
Hey mtnman6288,

Welcome to the forum. It's a great place for support and recovery.

Coming to the site and posting often, especially when you have triggers or when your addiction has a pre-existing scheduled event planned for you, is an excellent use of the forum and a great way to distract your mind.

I still check in with the forum throughout the day to help keep me focused on my goals.

Stay strong!


mtnman6288

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Day three
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2016, 07:51:44 AM »
And day three begins.

One struggle I have is the lack of intimacy with my wife. Sometimes I have nowhere to turn to satisfy my cravings other than MO or more likely PMO.

In a rut. But at least I know I'm there.

mtnman6288

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Re: My story
« Reply #9 on: February 26, 2016, 07:49:31 AM »
Day four. The urge is there but not as bad. If I can make it through today I'll be almost certain to get through to 7 days (my first goal). I'll be away this weekend at a kids camp. Completely safe from temptation.

Happy Friday.

mtnman6288

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Re: My story
« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2016, 03:59:59 PM »
Amazing. I made it through the kids camp easily, as expected. I'm back home now and I'm alone. The temptation started immediately!

I'm strong, but shocked at how serious the urges are coming at me.

mtnman6288

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Re: My story
« Reply #11 on: February 28, 2016, 11:53:23 PM »
Well, the weekend went great. I'm feeling better in many ways. But my marriage is still a bummer right now. I had a nice long talk with my wife. She has no idea about my PMO problem. I was hopeful to just beat it and move on.

We were headed to bed, and I asked her for some "help." It's been 6 days since my last O, which is a long time for me. She said she didn't want to.

That hurt me. I was hoping for a nice return home perhaps ending in sex. Due to her cycle that couldn't happen, but I still held on to hope that I could o in s healthier way.

That "no" was crushing. Suddenly I'm worried about what tomorrow will bring.

thewhitewindow

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Re: My story
« Reply #12 on: February 29, 2016, 12:56:19 AM »
Hey, I'm a 20 year PMO addict.  Congratulations on your journey.  Many don't even get here.  It's awesome that you've come to realize and finally take your life back.

When you're 6 days without your normal dopamine hits from porn, you're vulnerable.  Of course you feel slighted from her rejection, you don't have a soother/baby blanket (porn) anymore to cope. 

Everything comes to the surface.  The 'reality' of situations and life without PMO'ing.  I wrote about in The Darkness, where I cried everyday for a week in the shower.   It's exactly like a heroin addict...seriously.  You actually start becoming who you're supposed to be, and that's scary for us.  I'm 18 days hardmode for the first time in 20 years. 

It's a metamorphosis.  Everything changes - but you want it to..  Even if you relapse, that's a GOOD thing because your brain hinted at 'potential' and you learn from them.  Next time you want to work harder.  You're on your way buddy.

Be good, and be KIND to yourself.  You're on the right path.
« Last Edit: February 29, 2016, 01:00:57 AM by Window »

notgivinup

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Re: My story
« Reply #13 on: March 01, 2016, 02:42:15 PM »
Hey Mtnman....really glad you are here.

I can identify with you in MANY ways here.

i know about the intimacy thing as well....tough to process.

I'm married, kids, church, the whole deal.....and learning to walk away from pmo.

Here's the deal...even if i went home today and my wife totally was haywire emotionally....I would still have to NOT choose pmo....because I have to learn to be strong and real regardless of what she and the world around me does. This has been a huge thing for me to see. It's not easy...but it is often triggering for me when others in my life display emotions that are not fun for me, or directed at me, and when they BLAME me. Not fun at all...and my FIRST impulse is to turn to pmo.

But, that doesn't solve anything, and certainly doesn't help any of my relationships.

I'll be praying for you today. I'm really, really glad you are here, and glad to see you making your way through these days.

The withdrawal completely sucks. I hardly ever use that word...but it is appropriate here. It's not easy.
This is a brain problem....and it can only be overcome by turning away from the stimuli that lead us back to the dopamine rushes.

Thanks for all you have shared here, and thank you for choosing to walk away from pmo.

pmo is NOT an option.
NGU

mtnman6288

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Day 15
« Reply #14 on: March 08, 2016, 11:52:57 AM »
Well, a variety of family travel time/ youth group time over the past couple weeks have really helped me out. I'm at Day 15 without PMO.

Temptation came to me this morning, but I've been able to make it through.

Also trying to really solidify my spiritual life better, which I feel will help me.

Gabriel1960

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Re: My story
« Reply #15 on: March 08, 2016, 04:38:34 PM »
Congratulations on finding this place.  We're with you 100%.

Gabriel

mtnman6288

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Approaching 20 days
« Reply #16 on: March 11, 2016, 05:41:22 PM »
I'm going into a very busy weekend (which typically keeps me safe from P), with the chance to hit 20 days PMO free! 

Fingers crossed... :)

Robert2.0

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Re: My story
« Reply #17 on: March 11, 2016, 09:58:53 PM »
Mtnman,
Congrats on your current success, I am grateful that you are here and that we share a similar time line. Today is 20 for me. This weekend will be a walk in the park and day 20 will come and go with ease.

We can do this!

Trader22

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Re: My story
« Reply #18 on: March 16, 2016, 03:25:20 PM »
Mtnman,
Congrats on your success and welcome to RN.  Since your a christian I'd recommend memerizing some scripture to help in those weak times. 
My favorite is 1 Corinthians 10:13 NKJV

13 No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond
what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

Don't forget to put on your armor daily too.  Ephesians 6:10-18 NKJV

The Whole Armor of God

10 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. 11 Put on the whole armor
of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood,
but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,[c] against spiritual hosts of
wickedness in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in
the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and having shod
your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; 16 above all, taking the shield of faith with which you will be able to quench
all the fiery darts of the wicked one. 17 And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God;
18 praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, being watchful to this end with all perseverance and supplication
for all the saints

Chip

Gabriel1960

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Re: My story
« Reply #19 on: March 18, 2016, 09:42:20 PM »
Dharmaman said today:

"So often, my desire for arousal (fantasy, porn) has little to do with my libido and so much more to do with wanting to hide from my feelings.  I feel fear, anxiety, or boredom and rather than sit with that honestly, I go into what i call my own personal "man cave", which is my mind, where I pull up some mental image of a former kinky situation or one I wished would happen.  But i don't really want those to happen.  I want an intimate, authentic relationship with my wife, and every time I let fantasy take over, I tell myself I'm powerless over my thoughts and decisions, but that's just not so. 

I've started using my meditation training to follow my breath when I start to get triggered, and I find that helps me snap out of my mental check-out and come back to the present moment.  The breathing also helps me settle down my anxieties and realize they are not yet realities...and may never be.  "

I guess this rings true for me also.

Gabriel