Will I ever feel better

Sometimes I just want the hurt to stop. It never does. I hate porn with a vengeance. I hate how it has damaged my relationship. I know that I can never again experience the beauty the lovemaking we used to share. The toxic effects of his porn use have undermined the very core of what our relationship was built upon. He was the one who did it. He chose porn over me. Nothing I said or did made a difference. He left me with no alternative other than to suffer in silence for 15 years until I was a suicidal wreck.

How did I get to be like that? How did I allow it to happen? Why did I believe that I had no choice? I'm still suffering the after effects, the years of neglect, of never being touched, the lies, the deception. I'm left with the hard work of rebuilding my self worth and doing a better job of taking care of me.

Some days it can be such a struggle just trying to feel OK about being myself. I can look in the mirror and say "You're looking good today" and I can wear nice things. But then I think of all that porn shit, and how he disrespected my body and showed no interest in me. And then I feel like shit.

I can remember specific occasions when I was rejected. I can remember donating a beautiful satin nightgown to goodwill because it brought back painful memories of the naive occasion when I planned that a sexy, romantic evening, only for him to behave in a way that was almost hostile. His words killed my spirit that night.

Sometimes I think he doesn't deserve me. Sometimes I think he never did. He dragged me through so much shit and I just took it. I started believing I was too old or too ugly, that I was undesirable. Not just as feelings but as irrefutable facts. From someone who had complete confidence in her attractiveness and body shape to someone who couldn't bear to look in the mirror. He chose porn and that's what it did to me.

I'm through with all the hurt, all the wreckage, all the shit he put me through, all the lies, all the pain, all the rejection. There he was, sitting on his throne, choosing women from a storefront whilst hammering away at himself, oblivious to what was going on in his real world relationship. He even admitted he never even thought about my needs. But he still put enough effort in to hiding his pathetic habit from me.

Some days I wonder, why should I continue to respect him after all the pain his thoughtless self-indulgent behaviour has put me through? Why should I believe anything he says after all his lies? Why should I even let him touch me after he treated my body like a consolation prize?

I've just had enough of feeling this way. I've had enough garbage in my head for too long. I've looked to him for approval, that I'm good enough for him, trying to please him, allowing him to decide whether I'm attractive enough for him or whatever. And it's not doing me any good. Just what do I have to do to feel OK about being me?

Emerald Blue I'm so sorry for your pain. My heart breaks for you and all of us that are living through this torment. Maybe someone who has been going through this longer can offer up some words of wisdom and comfort. I suppose your feeling better depends on the strength of your love for your husband and commitment to the relationship. Self care is so very important as we all know, but it's easier said than done.

All I know is the more my husband and I communicate, the better we both feel. We had a very enlightening discussion last evening. We realized that through the years whenever there was a problem we would argue about it, but never really resolved the issue. Both of us kept all these pent up feelings inside. He used porn/alcohol to numb his pain and make him forget. It's only been about 6 months since D day but after all these years, we are learning to listen and really hear each other. All I asked of him was to be honest. He has to be completely up front, open and honest with me, and know I cannot go back to how we were. His feelings are the same and furthermore, he does not want to return to that type of life. He thought using porn made him feel better when truth in fact, he was miserable. He didn't like who he was or what he was doing, but he didn't know how to stop. He revealed that he was introduced to porn at the tender age of 7. His bastard of a father would leave reel to reel tapes and magazines out in the open for all to see. I am so sad for that little boy. At such a young age, it was ingrained in his brain that it was okay to look at that stuff. On top of the beatings and severe punishments that were dealt, he didn't stand a chance. Frankly, I'm surprised he functions as well as he does. He was always told he would never amount to anything. When you are told that enough, you tend to believe it.

For me, I have to let go of the hate and anger. I can't stay in that place. It just eats me up alive and makes my heart heavy. My husband asked me if it was too late for us. No, it's not. As long as he can continue to grow and learn from his past behavior, it's never too late. One thing I do know about my husband is that he is a very determined man. Once he makes up his mind to do something, he will follow through to the end. I am hoping above all hopes that he will follow through and kick this addiction. I may not trust him, but I do not doubt his love for me. Yes he did stupid, immature and deceitful things, but I have to forgive him in order for both of us to move on. He has to try to forgive himself. Somehow he was able to compartmentalize the behavior of the porn addict from the person he showed to the outside world. We are trying to be more patient and understanding of each other. So talking and then talking some more is what is helping us.

I do hope that one day you will be at peace.

EB as much helpful & advise you have given I feel bad that i have no answers because even all this time that has past with My SO giving it up trash I cant break those feelings you are having.
I think it because i just rejected any professional  help from the start!!
and harped on all the feelings he has brought into our lives- I truly believe when i was told its PTSD, and not just this P trash but  a combo of many other things i have been threw
that this trash has brought what i have forgotten and concurred years ago BACK TO LIFE!

I don't know about your growing years but mine was pure horror and just when you think everything is rainbows & puppies ------------Bammmmmmmmmmmm!

You have to find a way to stop putting this on you.
If its wasn't for the over the top LOVE my SO has for me I would be gone I have even told him recently If getting away from US makes me stop feeling this way i may have to do it.
This just drains you to near suicide.
But according to Him and promises Its never going to happen again, and even though i have had that " promise " that ive had before this time is different.
Why----- because he is for sure now that our future is on the line!!

You need more reassurance and if he isn't willing to give it or wants to hear it, go sit down with someone who will hear you.
I have a counselor waiting for my answer to come back to see her again right now and i haven't answered her yet-----I should but i haven't.
Im in the same situation your are mentally and its going on almost 2 years now- Lucky me you think, Yes & No --- I feel the same feelings as i did way back as i do now and the
more i harp on the times and places he was enjoying his hand over me or where we were ( like vacation.in the shower you know the rest ) if burns me to know end. I cant let it go.

But we have to - If they move on without trash than we have to move on with them. some way some how.

But again as your thread says - Will I ever feel better

I agree with you Steam rolled. Emerald Blue has been so supportive and offered up some really good advice. I wish I had definitive answers for her. It's such a crap shoot. We never really know how our SOs are going to respond. I think our husbands are the same in that they realize their future with us is theirs to lose. We have given them an ultimatum. For me, so far so good. But who knows what tomorrow will bring? He has to learn other ways to cope with stress and anxiety and any disagreements we might have. That's a lot to learn when his only outlet is now no longer useful.

Emerald Blue you cannot carry this burden alone. It's too heavy. Please keep posting and we will help any way possible. I am so grateful for this forum. It has allowed me to express feelings that I was never able to before.

Just wanted to check up on you EB. Hows it been going? I wish i had some advice since all yours has been so helpful. But i do have wine

LOL beautifulbreakdown! There's always room for wine. I got vodka.  ;D

EB please check in you need us and we need to know your O.K!!
You are more special than you feel right now------FACT!

Hey girls, thanks for all your support.

I was triggered last week by flashbacks of one of his hideous porn videos. And how much I hated that one in particular because the date and time he downloaded it was a very special occasion for me. He didn't attend the event with me. He stayed at home tossing himself off to that shit instead. It really hurt me to know that but I guess that's how life is for the partner of a PA when the addiction using full swing.

I didn't handle it as perfectly as I should. We can't all behave impeccably like the personal growth books say.

I have been seeing a counsellor and she has been helpful in understanding the nature of addiction. I've been trying to see the problem from the addict's perspective. It has helped our communication enormously over the past few days. I'm making an effort fto see the issue from various perspectives. The problem is that his addiction to Internet porn continued unabated for over 15 years and before then his vulnerability to 'old fashioned' porn magazines and VHS movies was probably apparent before the internet escalated the problem.

I'm more understanding of the fact that this compulsion to seek out porn IS an addictive behavior and that it does have its downsides. He has spoken about how he is aware of the presence of porn being "nearby" whenever he goes online. He also spoke of his emotionally vulnerable times that still happen and that he has to be vigilant about being online with no purpose when I'm not around.

I admit that I found this depressing.  I thought that now he has quit porn, the problem is over. My counsellor told me that this IS an addiction and  we need to employ various strategies to prevent access to porn as a way of life.  That it doesn't go away, that it isn't in the past, that dealing with addiction is for life  Believe it or not, it really helped me to be told that by a third party and not just to hear it in addiction theory, or a read it in an article about porn addiction. He was so reluctant to even consider the possibility of relapse but now we see that relapse prevention is a big part of what living without porn is about.

I guess it's very easy for us as the partner to get trapped in a victim mindset.  The biggest difference has been his own willingness to talk about porn addiction as an addiction that needs to be managed.  You'd think that would be the depressing part of it, but it has actually helped me to feel better knowing that we both know bit more about the reality we are dealing with.

Thank you for all your support. I'm still here, fighting back against the porn monster.

Xo. So sorry for your hurt. Your story brings tears to my eyes. Praying for your complete restoration

Thank you, objectified1.

I know in many respects getting past the porn problem is going as well as can be expected. It takes such a lot of emotional energy to get through it and TBH our partners seem to find it hard to support us. Sometimes he feels responsible, other times he doesn't have the patience. Sometimes all I want is for him to say he is here for me - and he is really - but at the same time he can't really handle how down I can get. We've all got our lives to get on with, life goes on in the real world and there's always one more thing to deal with. Right now I think my immune system is a bit low and I've been suffering a bit with lack of daylight over the winter months. It doesn't really help the mood either.

Sometimes I just need to know that I'm doing OK, that I'm doing the right things and that I can recover from all the crap I've been through. I had no idea that dealing with the porn problem would throw up such challenges. There has been so much to come to terms with because it's never "just" porn, we find out so much about our partners that we didn't know, and it's not an experience I would wish on anyone. In the meantime life in the real world has to carry on. I'm doing all I can and if I don't get it right, well I'm just a fallible human being. I sometimes feel as if my partner expects me to deal with all my issues in neat little boxes and get over it quickly. It's not like that. I'm not a perfectly perfect person. He certainly isn't.