Author Topic: How do I re learn sex?  (Read 2850 times)

Poppy

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How do I re learn sex?
« on: February 12, 2016, 08:05:21 PM »
Hi there, I'm a female in my mid-30s and only just recently learned about porn addiction. My story:
I first was exposed to porn around 9-10yrs old. An older relative of mine started giving me porn magazines to read. I didn't really understand but the pictures and stories got me aroused and I learned that if I stimulated myself I'd orgasm. He then step it up to showing me porn, which then evolved into him abusing me. It continued until I was 13, at which time I moved away. I never told anyone about the abuse until recently when I sought therapy for it. There was a lot of confusion, shame and guilt from that time. I couldn't reconcile liking porn, getting aroused, and what was done to me. But the bottom line was, the only way I knew how to get off was porn. I sought it out anyway I could, this was during the early stages of Internet so it was news groups, magazines, I even stole a porn video from a boyfriend and watched it in secret! The only way I knew how to get off is to watch and masturbate. When I became sexually active with my boyfriend I felt dead from the neck down. Like nothing. I was with the same guy for 15yrs and just resolved myself to faking it in bed and then masturbating in private to get myself off, like I seriously thought that'll be the rest of my life. When that relationship ended I started seeing someone else, sex was a little different, I think because I was older now, with him I would actually get aroused, would get wet, but the moment we started having sex (no matter what kind, intercourse or oral) there was nothing, again switch flips off.

I spent most of my life believing it was because of the abuse. I was pretty disconnect from my body and assumed it was that. I get hit on a lot, but the truth is that I'm afraid of men and so I disassociated from my body because I didn't know how else to deal with it. But then I started therapy and was able to resolve a lot of that abuse trauma but not the physical part. Which is when I thought that maybe porn is the issue, something that was confirmed for me when I started reading other womans' accounts on here. I believe I have an addiction because:

-I can only get aroused or orgasm by "observing." So watching porn, reading porn, even when I fantasize while masturbating it's never me, it's always like watching porn in my head.

-My "tolerance" escalated pretty quickly, by the time I was 12, regular one on one male female porn bored me. I was already seeking girl on girl porn (for a while I though I might be a lesbian but I'm pretty sure that's not the case). Before I started the reboot the type of porn I was watching was pretty out there, not going to call out any specifics as to not trigger anyone but it was very extreme. I honestly was terrified that I'm a horribly twisted and perverted person which was so tough because in reality I'm kind and caring and easy going.

-I'd masturbate as a distraction or stress relief, I remember one time in college where I did it 15 times in one day because I was procrastinating studying, even when I was raw and didn't want to do it anymore I still kept going.

So here we are, and if you're still with me, thank you . I've been porn/masturbation free for almost three months. I attempted a reboot before but relapsed around three month mark. I'm trying to avoid that happening again and hope that having this community will help. I find that the toughest time for me is around when I ovulate, I think it's the hormone spike, I feel like I'm crawling in my skin. Also at this point I'm also having what I guess I would call "wet dreams." Which is kind of upsetting because the images of the dreams are extreme, at least it's me having sex but the type of sex is extreme, and it feels like cheating but I'm not sure how to not have that happen.

At the end of the day I'm here because I'm so terrified, I have never had an orgasm with another person, and I'm so scared that I'll never will. Having done therapy and no longer being numb I realize just how badly I want to be able to share that with another person. I know that sex is a huge component of a healthy relationship and if I can't fix this how can I be in a fulfilling relationship? Ever?

If there's any ladies on here that might have similar experience, is there anything that has worked for you? And gentlemen as well, I guess, I'm not sure if the gender difference matters. I just want to know if there's any hope of this getting better? Will I ever be ok? How do I unlearn 25 years of this?

Thank you
« Last Edit: February 21, 2016, 05:24:31 PM by Poppy »

sm

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Re: How do I re learn sex?
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2016, 08:59:39 AM »
Hi Poppy (again :), I just answered you back at my post, before reading this)! If That can give you hope I had a porn-free interval in my early twenties and in those months my sex life really improved. Unfortunately It's been the only period I experienced that, so I can't say this time It will be the same, but I'm quite positive about that. Three months is a big interval, my first time I resisted only two weeks. I post here two youtube videos who really helped me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=psN1DORYYV0 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o. I think I found them here in the forum, but I' don't remember who posted them. Even if porn is my secret for now, and nobody knows about that, listening about the importance of vulnerability had been healing for me.
good luck!

Poppy

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Re: How do I re learn sex?
« Reply #2 on: February 15, 2016, 10:18:55 AM »
Sm thank you so much! The videos were great. My significant other doesn't know about this issue and I've been terrified to tell him but at the same time knowing that I need his help in this. I loved when she said "vulnerability is the birth of change", I know it's true.
And your experience in your 20s gives me hope that things will work out. The first two weeks of the reboot were tough but then all my sexual drive completely went away so it wasn't as difficult to abstain. Now it's back times 100. Ugh I'm just taking it one day at a time. Thank you again for your feedback!! Best of luck with your reboot as well!!

arahant

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Re: How do I re learn sex?
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2016, 09:35:37 AM »
Hello Poppy and welcome to this forum :)
I'm really feeling your pain, abuse is a terrible beast, but you did great in facing it with your therapist, congratulations for that!
Also, as sm said, 3 months are a really long period, so you're really doing great here.
Now, what I would suggest you is to tell your significant other everything, that's a huge step in recovery.
I don't know about the physical part of your issue, but I'm sure that with therapy and the support of your SO you can really be reborn and experience a healthy and fulfilling sexuality.
I guess the problem is that you get "outside of your body" while having sex, right?
Are you still doing therapy? I would suggest to find an expert on sexual abuse and to take your time while working on this deep issues.
You need to be patient and appreciate any improvement (like the fact that you're not numb anymore).
I'm sure that if you keep your determination and focus, you can win back the healthy sexual life that has been taken from you.
I send you all my love and support.
« Last Edit: February 21, 2016, 03:00:02 AM by arahant »

Poppy

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Re: How do I re learn sex?
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2016, 08:34:35 PM »
Arahant thank you so much for the kind words and support. It's a lot of ups and downs but every day feels like a step forward. I'd love to find a really qualified therapist that deals with the sexual issues in particular because I feel that I've outgrown my current therapy (I don't even think she's ever watched porn herself). Surprisingly there's not as many references online as I'd think there would be even though I'm in a major metropolitan area.
As far as the significant other goes, I hear you, it's just so hard. I've spent a long time hiding this and am worried that the truth will forever alter our relationship. I know if he were to end things with me because of the truth then we shouldn't be together anyways but I'm still so afraid of telling him. I tried to broach the subject of porn addiction with him, because I see certain characteristics of it in him too. But he's convinced he's fine. Maybe I'm projecting. But it's also hard because the type of sex we've been having recently is pushing boundaries. It's the more extrem stuff I once though I wanted but now I realized I don't. He's into it and when I mention just more simple intimate sex, he's not into it at all, as in we will not have any sex at all. So now I avoid it because I don't want the more extreme sex because I know it'll be just more of me spacing out and faking it which has become more difficult because of the work I've done. Ugh this is so complicated, I just want to be normal lol. But your words and support give me hope, thank you again. And sorry, I'm sort of venting.

arahant

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Re: How do I re learn sex?
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2016, 03:24:39 AM »
Hello Poppy,
I think finding a qualified therapist is a great idea, especially if you feel you've outgrown your current therapy.
I will let you know if I find good resources on this issue.
I really do understand that you find it difficult to talk openly to your SO, but trust me, that's the only way.
If he just wants the extreme sex and you are not comfortable with it any more, you shouldn't force yourself at all. You must love yourself first of all and do things you feel are good and healthy and nurturing for yourself.
Maybe you fear to be left alone if you tell him, but you should think about whether he's still the person you want with you, now that you're changing.
I will always support you, you're doing a great job!
You can PM me if you want :)
Be strong and focused, and carry on!

Poppy

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Re: How do I re learn sex?
« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2016, 11:53:03 AM »
Thank you arahant. You are right on all points. I'm taking time to focus on myself and would really love to find a qualified therapist to help me with this. I'm again at the point where my resolve is faltering, I'm so, for a lack of a better word horny. Sex with my SO is off the table so there's only masturbation left. But I know that even if I don't watch porn my mind will go to it right away anyways. It's this frustrating catch 22. But this community helps, feeling accountable to someone beyond just me helps. I'm officially 64 days masturbation free and 161 days porn free (although the last time I masturbated I went on a bender and I fantasized about porn so I'm not sure if that resets the clock). I'm just so worried it's never going to be ok, currently it's hard to see the end. I started meditating and I think that helps some. I just really don't want to slip back to my old behaviors but right now it's a little hard to see the end. Thank you for listening.

arahant

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Re: How do I re learn sex?
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2016, 12:05:22 PM »
Hello dear Poppy,
you are well ahead of me in terms of rebooting time, and I'm sure you know there are easy and hard moments. This must be a hard moment for you. Just know that it won't last forever, but it will fade, you just have to endure it. Also, I think that masturbation and sex would not be healthy, because of fantasizing, as you say, but I would really suggest, if at all possible, to spend some quality time with your SO doing non-sexual things. Something romantic and fun, which can involve tender cuddling and kissing, but focused on you two as human beings and not at all as sexual "players". Do you think this is possible? If your partner wouldn't understand this, then I really suggest you to leave him, you really don't need an egocentric and selfish partner now.
I really want to congratulate you for the extremely long time you went into this, 161 days are really a very long time! You should be proud of yourself!
You did a really great thing starting meditation, I think it's something incredibly powerful and life-transforming if carried out on a daily basis.
I want to help you if I can, I feel very close to your fight and you have all of my support.
If you think it could be helpful at all, we could even exchange phone numbers to communicate, maybe via whatsapp, during hard times.
I am sure everything WILL be ok, don't lose your faith in yourself and carry on!