Life begins at 40

I look back now and realise how lucky I was to have grown up without porn. Wanking by touch alone was never a problem for my generation of teenagers. Sadly, the internet came along around the same time as my children did (i.e. wife not in the mood ever) and I started looking at all the wrong stuff. I never noticed it was becoming an issue; things carried on (supposedly) fine for ten years.

More recently I decided to give porn up, and somehow managed for a year or more, which seems crazy now I think about it. I can't remember clearly why I decided to give it up; how odd! Probably just guilt. I was amazed I was able to go cold turkey straight away, and last so long, but it felt easier because I was still masturbating three times a week, fantasising in my head about porn, and using a DIY 'fleshlight'.

I got near 40 and thought that reluctant erections were just a sign of ageing. When I'd find a convenient moment to masturbate, my dick just didn't leap up like it used to. My touch was no longer enough. There were no spontaneous erections. So I slipped back into using porn, where the erections were easy. Real sex was so rare that I got very excited and thankfully my dick performed well. But it wasn't right; I definitely had a mild form of ED, given that I couldn't arouse myself with touch alone.

I am so happy I found yourbrainonporn.com whilst randomly Googling about my erection problems; it was the best thing to happen to me. Now I know what my problems are, why they are caused, how to solve them. It all makes sense. I began a reboot. Today is day 17.

I'm hoping that mine is just a mild case, and I won't have to reboot for ages. I find resisting anything is difficult. I eat a whole packet of cake bars every day. Getting into the habit of exercising regularly took me years. Each day it is a mammoth struggle to make myself do work, at work. The house is never clean. But just occasionally I seem to manage things with no effort, and I can't understand why. Like how I gave up porn for a year before I knew about PIED. I even gave up confectionary, with no relapses, without it seeming to take any effort to resist. I wish I knew how I did it.

Of course I curse as I think about the past. If only.... If only... And I would love to dream up a way to educate the world, and have porn somehow disappear forever. But then I guess we'd go back to flicking though catalogues for underwear and shower adverts, like some stupid 11 year olds....

I believe you still have the best years ahead of you friend. Leave porn behind for good and perhaps rethink masterbation, if you want to discuss masterbation message me about it as I wrote down all the reasons I do not want masterbation in my life and will not tolerate it in my handheld journal/diary of habits - perhaps those reasons may help you.

I hope you and your wife become more intimate, I definitely think if you quit masterbation as well (Quitting porn is mandatory obviously)..your libido maybe after any flatline or withdrawal would skyrocket and you could use that extra libido to pursue your wife more. Or atleast try to discuss you wanting more intimacy with her, work on any health problems she may have and improve yourself to be the best you can be. Just some thoughts.

I know you can do it man, and I know I can as well.

Now I have attained a state where I'm completely convinced of the dangers of porn, it is funny how my mind dwells on it, in odd moments. I've started reassessing many of the things that have happened in my life, with the benefit of hindsight, about what porn was doing to me.

In the last 5 years I used to think my marriage was getting a bit crappy. I thought it was mainly two kids that were doing the usual damage; partners have no time to spend alone together like they used to. I thought we were both just tired and bored. We argued more often than we used to. We cared about each other less. I know I did, and it appeared that she did.

I thought my wife was saggy, ugly, and irritating to live with. I hated how hairy she was. What was the point if she never wanted to have sex anyway? And I knew I was never going to get blowjob/doggy style in the future, ever.

I can now reflect on every one of those depressing thoughts...and I think I see the evil hand of porn at work. Sure, porn doesn't account for every single nasty feeling I had, but it definitely made a lot of things a lot worse.

At the 'obvious' end of the spectrum : there's the fact that I would never have cared about my wife's pubes if I had never seen internet porn. I was quite happy with them when we were 20, and I'd only seen a few dodgy 80s magazines in the woods.

At the 'subtle' end of the spectrum : My wife said I was angry and shouty a lot of the time, in the past year, more than ever before. Originally, I thought I was the same as always. I now wonder if I had become a less pleasant human in general, through using porn several times a week.

I know a lot of people had it worse than me - lost jobs, got divorced, wasted masses of money - so I am thankful...but I am also shocked at what I'm learning about myself, looking back with the aid of new knowledge. I used to smugly think I was a lot nicer than the average guy...

Welcome to the forum. I appreciate your candor and you honesty.

I relate to a lot of what you say E45 (have you named yourself after hand cream...?).

I can tell you I felt the same about my wife, it's hard not to compare her unfavourably to the girls I look at on the internet and then also to other women her age I pass by in the street. However I found on my first reboot that only a few weeks in I was watching her get undressed for bed thinking "hey now....".

Yes, maybe I should have called myself WD40 or GT85?

Passing women in the street are an illusion, I realised. Under their clothes they are probably hairy and saggy too, and perhaps complete grumpy cows to live with. But you don't think of that at the time. That's the impractical side of porn!

My wife is an angel in lots of ways, but I get annoyed she hasn't got the same waist as when I met her....I feel such a douche. At least I never told her she needed to lose weight.

Back to the journal entry:
Today I can celebrate making it through one month (31 days) of reboot (hard mode). Hurrah!

There were no slip-ups in that time, though I did put one toe on the slippery slope, twice I think. Luckily, I managed to notice I had Googled something that was beginning to lead to pictures of boobies, and had the presence of mind to shut down and walk away quick, without having a debate with myself first (you know those pretend discussions within your brain, trying to convince yourself that 'art' photos are fine, just for 2 minutes, and then you'll stop).

How do I feel? Hmm, I'm not really leaping around with euphoria. There is an overhanging feeling that a part of me is numb. It is weird and not nice.

One of my recurring thoughts is about how much damn time this is going to take. Looking forward to a better future means several months of time, maybe a year or more, passing. That is difficult for me to accept calmly.

[Just blathering to myself now. No need to reply!]

[Just observations. No need to reply unless you want to.]

When I wake up in the mornings, I'm tired and not thinking straight. I hadn't noticed the lack of 'morning wood' and it may have been absent for two years or more. After 5 weeks of abstaining, the morning boners are back; I'm honestly shocked to notice them! I have to be a bit more careful as I stride to the toilet in my pants, in case the kids are already awake.

Whilst this is a good sign for the future, it indicates a bad sign for the past: yet another 'symptom' of porn addition. I was worse than I thought. And I had no way of knowing.

In fact, if I had noticed, I bet I would have assumed it was just ageing, and blamed it on lessening testosterone as I went past 40. Scary...

Well here myn2 cents on the subject. I am 66, a widower. Of course I have been JO for 50 years. I had a pretty good sex life with my late wife. At the beginning before we were married it was almost every nite. Then as you have kids and all the other things life has to,offer it goes down to a few times a month. I sure JO plenty. After my wife passed away,I waited almost two years and met a few ladies on a dating web site.,imhad sex and everything worked fine. But living alone imhad plenty of time to PMO. I then felt was not able to maintain an erection when having sex on a few occasions. I went for Viagra and it worked ok, just caused  a slight case of DE. I then found out about the idea of Rebooting and it sure works. If you stop MO and viewing porn you will find that your dick will work again. As for your wife gaining weight, the lady imam with is sort of chubby,and I times I feel guilt because I always nagged my late wife to workout and watch her weight and shape. As I have matured I see that we all are different and as you may have seen, plenty of guys are into BBW.
   

The morning wood has returned  but the lethargy and flat zone of feeling like an automotaun is still with me, I am glad to read your experience.  Stay strong

Yes they have returned HAPPY DAY!  but i wonder myself if its a way to measure progress?  I mean, I feel as if Im on the right path, My brain has lots of opinions about this process, many similar to yours, and I want a functional Penis, so thats a plus plus. But I agree about the Lethargy, thats harder than anything else... Keep us up to date on your progress, we all need to look into the mirrors held up by others on this forum!

[Captain's Log...star date.......]

Bleurg. This is pretty bleak. I still have that numb feeling of emptiness whenever I'm not distracted by something else. However, it is not a feeling of depression. I've had that before and that is very different; much worse.  I just feel like a bit of me is missing. What a stupid thing to say. 'Numb' is probably the best word to describe it.

Now I've got through the first one and half months, I've noticed my sexy daydreams have gone through the roof. It doesn't take much to make me start fantasising; just passing a normal not-particularly-hot woman in the street will do it. And then I feel so much yearning and aching deep in my soul when I realise there is nothing I can do with that feeling. It is bursting out of me.

I don't feel strongly tempted to wank, I just feel miserable about knowing I'm never going to feel the excitement any more. It really is very crappy. So empty inside. Part of the pain is me failing to accept I am old, and young women will never again look at me, and part of it is knowing that sex with my wife is dropping to an annual event.

Still, it's only 4 months to my birthday...I might have sex that day. If all the stars and fates align....

[End of blathering]

Celebration time! I've made it through TWO MONTHS of no porn and no wanking.

Today I noticed it was getting a little tougher to resist. It hasn't been too bad up until today. I reckon I can still refuse porn without much effort; it is being alone at home with the hand creeping down into the pants that is going to be the trouble. My eyes are out on stalks no matter what age/type of woman walks past me. It is disgraceful the way my desperation is bursting out.

I must make myself wait another month. Three months was the recommended duration I read about. Of course everybody differs, which makes your mind start saying things like "you aren't as bad as the others, you can stop now, you've done enough".

I've found myself wanting to press 'pause' when half a tit is shown in a movie on TV, and I've even flicked through a clothing catalog for the underwear section. How pathetic. Boredom is still an enemy.

E45

You aren't as bad as the others, you can stop now, you've done enough.

LOL

Gabriel

I had a wet dream!

Wow, to think I'd ever celebrate such a day...

Lucky you! I didn't MO for 62 days, and I still didn't get to have one.

[In reply to the above]
Well, I gotta get excited about the wet dream, as I can't wank and it has been 10 months since I last had sex (an annual event). Don't envy me!

[For the journal]
I've decided to cut back my fantasising/daydreams about sex. They never passed the moral filter, but I've been enjoying them for years, and have now I've realised they are part of my porn problem. I've tried to view this as an 'easy win'; if I've already decided not to masturbate, then fantasising is pretty pointless because it leads to a desire to masturbate.

So I just need to spot when I'm beginning one of my daydreams, and decide to think about my life plans instead (what do I want to achieve, and why I haven't started yet). This choice came about because I felt like my life was in limbo, or on hold, and I wan't to feel like I am progressing onwards.

I still feel that horrid numbness when I happen to think about my body having a sexual purpose....but I guess it is not worrying me when I'm not thinking about it. I only feel sad about it once or twice a week nowadays. But to keep realising that the same feeling has returned, makes it seem worse overall. So at present I am looking forward to a future that includes careful (no fantasy) masturbation, but not too often (my old habit of three times a week was too often).

[More journal ramblings]

OH SHIT! I have just had a flashback to one of times I had sex with my wife in the past year or two. Funny I hadn't thought about it before. But it just hit me out of nowhere:

"Gosh, this doesn't feel very good on my dick. Wife must have a saggy vagina, how crap of her."

That was what was going through my mind as I was nearing orgasm and finding it difficult. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that this was PIED and my wanking habits making my dick feel 'dead'. OH SHIT! And to think I silently blamed her at that moment. I am a turd.

I've now reached a new understanding about my porn problem. Two months ago I realised it had caused me to struggle to get an erection when I wanted to masturbate. I thought real sex had always been OK. Now I can see that porn has affected the sensitivity of my dick during real sex as well.

I've had a few erections because of daydreams/fantasies in the past few days. Now this is nothing new; I had those in the year before I started reboot. But I am thinking they might be a bit firmer/quicker these days. Doesn't matter I suppose, as I am supposed to be giving up sexy daydreams (a bad habit of mine I am starting to get out of). However, it is quite interesting to note that more recently I was able to have some of these fantasies about vanilla sex with my wife, rather than some porn scene. Progress? Maybe.

In other news, I am despondent about my lack of superpowers. Things like eye contact and starting a conversation seem to be just as difficult as before reboot. It is day 76 so maybe too early to hope for anything. I thought three months would be enough, as I wasn't a particularly 'bad case'. Maybe I misjudged my addiction.

This week I also noticed that resisting masturbation is getting more difficult. I haven't yet struggled with a desire to watch porn, but I have felt myself thinking about a definite choice to masturbate. This didn't happen in the first two months. I wonder if it is my imagination, or whether there is a different trigger hitting me now. It feels like my dick is aching to be touched; a physical sensation. Whereas I used to wank because my brain chose too, without my dick being ready at all. My previous habit was: alone in the house on a weekday = wank. The urge didn't stem from my groin at all. But today I definitely felt a sensation downstairs.

A minimum of 15 days misery is ahead of me. Then I hit the magic 3 months, and have to decide if it is time to risk a (no porn) wank.

The journal continues...

I started reboot on 21 Jan 2016. Today is 21 April 2016. HOO-fucking-RAY!
So that is three months done. Not 90 days, I suppose, because February is a short month.
I can't decide if I feel like celebrating, not celebrating, ending reboot, or continuing. I still feel a little bit dead inside (though not depressed, for which I am thankful).

Obviously I'd like to wank; it would be pleasurable. But maybe it is too soon? After all, 'testing' yourself is a bad thing. (There's no point hoping for sex with my wife in the next few months.)

I've been addicted 10 years (with milder use in the preceeding 5). That typically indicates a long reboot is needed.
However, my teenage years were spent free of porn. My early 20s too. I had sex often back then. That typically indicates a short reboot.

I'd confess I still would like to use my fleshlight (clone) as I felt my hand alone did not feel pleasurable enough...But I only 'discovered' this fact in the last 4 years, and I wonder if the porn was the cause of that. Another reason to reboot for an extra month.

Whilst I do get morning wood now, I haven't had any other natural erections since I stopped deliberate daydreams (fantasies). This leads me to ponder which part of my body is telling me it wants to wank. As a teenager, no doubt it was my dick that was crying out to me (technically it was chemicals flooding my brain, as part of puberty, but you know what I mean). In my late 30s I started to feel that it was my brain that was suggesting wanking, and not my dick. I mean that it was more of a habit. I would remember that it was pleasurable in the  past, and thus I would want to do it again. So it was less of a physical need.

So what do I feel today? I don't think I feel a true physical need. I think it is habit. Whilst I would verbalise it with "my balls are crying out to me!" I am still not convinced that it true. I guess that means there is no solid reason to end my reboot.