Author Topic: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice  (Read 3790 times)

b2nforme

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I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« on: February 02, 2016, 11:04:59 AM »
Hi everyone and thanks in advance for your opinions and advice.   I don't know all of the acronyms so please bear with me.    Okay so here's my story & situation.

I'm in my early 50's and started looking at porn magazines when I was around 13-14 years old.  I masturbated to naked hot girls pics in Penthouse, playboy, Cheri etc.  magazines.   I stayed in this mode for several years until I moved out of my parents house and then I would rent Porn video tapes from time to time.   I got married pretty young at 23 and my wife would watch some porn videos with me every so often but she really didn't enjoy it and after a few times said that she prefer that I didn't watch porn either while we were having sex as she felt that I was more into the girl on the screen than into her which wasn't true in many cases.   From them on my porn watching would be in my private alone time when she wasn't around.  I would rent movies when she was out of town for work or other things.  I eventually bought some of my own porn videos and would watch them when she wasn't around but I was also still masturbating to porn mags as well, mostly to de=stress and sleep good at night.  If I had a headache I found that if I masturbated it would usually help get rid of my headache in most cases but it really did help me to relax and tire me out enough to get a good nights sleep!   I wasn't doing this on a daily basis more like a couple to few times per week.  I had no ED issues at this time and this went into my early 40s. 

Well then internet porn comes along and I found YouPorn, holy crap I couldn't believe all of the porn that was on there for free!   I would watch internet porn a few times a week for about  30 mins. at a time and masturbate to it, a lot of times I would watch it before bed so that I could distress and get a good nights sleep!  My wife and I had 2 sons when I was in my mid to late 30's, I had a vasectomy done when I was around 40.  I started having some ED issues in my mid 40's where I could get an erection but I had a hard time maintaining it if it was vaginal sex and when I got an erection I would need to get inside of her pretty quickly so that I could get some action going so that I wouldn't lose it.  I went to the Dr. and he prescribed some ED pills (none of my Drs. have ever asked me about watching porn or how often that I masturbated) which have somewhat helped with the issue but not fully plus I wasn't having the full hard of erections as I used to have.  When I had a job that I was able to work from home I would find my self looking at internet porn on a daily basis during the work week maybe 3 times a day for 20 minutes at a time.   I never got into any really weird porn but my porn selections definitely were different than when I first started watching internet porn.   Up until about a week ago I have been watching internet porn about 4 times a week for about 20 minutes per session and masturbating to it without any issues.   I came across some information and this website about a week ago as I still am having trouble maintaining an erection but I can get an erection and keep it if my wife and I just have oral sex without any pills!   We usually start with oral and then work into vaginal but while doing that I need to get inside of her as quickly as possible to maintain my erection and change positions a couple of times as well.   

My main question is this do you think that my issues are related to my age and are true ED in nature or do you think that watching the porn has a lot to do with my erection issue as well?   I would like to have a happy healthy sex life again and get off of these damn ED pills as I don't like the side effects of them.   I'm willing to give this an honest try and not watch any porn for awhile and see what happens.  How long do you think that it might take in my case to get back to a normal sex life?    As I said I'm not watching really strange weird bondage stuff or anything like that on you porn just pretty much straight single girl and guy or threesome porn, some girl anal porn here and there and I do find that I really like watching younger college age girls porn.   I'm open to any opinions and suggestions. 
« Last Edit: February 03, 2016, 08:57:24 AM by b2nforme »

Brooklyn Jerry

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #1 on: February 02, 2016, 04:17:15 PM »
I would say it is related to age and PMO.  I am 66 and when I was younger I could MO or view porn and JO and still have sex with no problem. A few years ago I began having some ED issues. I did take some Viagra and it worked. The dr never asked about my masturbation habits. I found that as we get older it takes longer  to get your mojo back. Since I stopped MO I find I can get good erections when having sex, although I usually go a week between sessions.  I do take 2000mg of aginine daily and get wood during the night.
PS my wife was the same as yours,we watched porn together when we were younger but she felt as she got older it sort of intimidated her.  No one stays 25 forever.
 I have watched porn  myself a few times since finding this site, if I don't cum, it is not too much of a problem, but I think it is best to leave my hands off myself.  I slipped up a few times and paid the price when attempting to get laid.

evinced

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2016, 05:10:20 PM »
As Brooklyn Jerry said it is probably a combination of ago and PMO and too hard to tell how much of each.  Your description of your experience when trying to have sex with your wife sounds pretty similar to my own and many others on this site.  Before starting my reboot I was lucky to stay hard long enough to achieve penetration and then it took constant stimulation to prevent the loss of my erection (assuming it was a good day and I could even get an erection with her).   Since starting my reboot I have had sex with my wife once and actually maintained an erection the whole time, although I didn't last long since I wasn't masturbating to porn.   If you try the reboot the worse you will discover is that some or all of your ED issues were not related to your porn use but there are so many commonalities that I would be surprised that it wasn't at least a partial cause for your ED issues while with your wife.  Good luck and if you decide to reboot use the resources on this site and yourbrainonporn.com they will help shed some light on the issue. 

notme2

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2016, 07:57:50 PM »
I'm around your age with similar issues, so I started doing research and at first thought I might be suffering from PIED. But after giving up porn easily (I didn't watch tons, but...) and reading about the difficulties others have gone through on this site, I started having doubts.

I've done more reading and found an article (info below) about what the author calls Erection Dissatisfaction. It's about what happens to guys over 50. It sounds a lot like me and I've come to the conclusion that's what I'm suffering from, but porn doesn't help matters any. You might be in a similar situation.

I don't know if I'm allowed to post links in here so google an article called "Erection Changes After 50: The Facts" in Psychology Today. The author is Michael Castleman.

b2nforme

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2016, 09:17:52 PM »
Thanks for the replies.  So where do you find the counter for the # of days of no porn meter thing at?   

evinced

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2016, 10:03:49 PM »
Just click anyone's meter to create your own.

Brooklyn Jerry

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #6 on: February 03, 2016, 07:51:14 AM »
 Notme2, that article sure was enlightening, it hit the nail right on the head.  It was sure easier to get an erection as a teen, just watching Ginger on Gilligans Island would be cause enough to JO.  I know for sure this ED thing is big business, the Dr I went to has a clinic that just deal with ED, and the office is always packed. I am sure porn has caused many problems when it makes you think you should be able to stay hard forever and cum in quarts.  I think the article should be posted in the 40 and up section for all to,read.Thanks.

b2nforme

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #7 on: February 03, 2016, 09:04:03 AM »
Hi so just an update I'm on Day 6 without any PMO, and so far it hasn't been that bad, I do realize now how much time that I was spending on the porn site trying to figure out which video to get off to next. I really haven't had any major urges to watch porn so I'm happy about that and a bit surprised as well because I watched it pretty often! I do know that this would be much more difficult if I was working from home everyday so I know it helps that I now work in an office the majority of the time and am not home alone for most of the day!  I also know that it's still very early in the recovery process.  I have MO'd over the past 6 days to visual images in my mind nothing in print or on video.  I don't think that I could go full on cold turkey without MOing at least every couple of days as it really does relieve stress and relaxes me.  I'm going to do my best to reduce the frequency of MO but I really don't think that I can cut that out completely at least not at this point as it relieves stress and helps me to sleep better.  I have noticed having a little more wood or more stiffness (not a full blown hard on) in the morning the past couple of days so I'm encouraged about that!   
« Last Edit: February 03, 2016, 09:40:07 AM by b2nforme »

Phase2

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #8 on: February 03, 2016, 10:06:01 AM »
I don't think that I could go full on cold turkey without MOing at least every couple of days as it really does relieve stress and relaxes me.     


Sooooo, my friend. This sentence is a big red flag. If you think you need to masturbate to relieve stress and relax, keep learning--This is your dopamine hungry brain charming you into another dose of the drug. An orgasm is for sex, it's shouldn't be a way to relieve boredom/stress/anxiety/go to sleep/escape, etc. This is how we ended up with PIED. I am rooting for you but I got to say, I don't think you quite have a full grasp on the power PMO and MO has on you yet. You have to break this cycle, and yeah, it's not easy. Keep learning buddy. And stop jerking off. Go hard mode for a while to break that dopamine addiction. Go here and keep learning: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/porn-induced-ed-start-here

Cheers.



b2nforme

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2016, 10:46:56 AM »
Wow and I thought that I was doing pretty good so far.  I don't know I think that for me I'm going to have to do this as a 2 step approach, the first step is to eliminate all print and video porn from my life, with limited MO of visual images and scenarios only in my mind.  Then to slowly ween myself off MOing making the frequency less and less each week until I'm no longer doing that.  I have been in this mode for sooo many years that I think that it will be too extreme on my mind and body.  Unfortunately my wife doesn't like to have sex as often as I do (kind of how I got started on this whole path of internet porn), maybe she will want to do it more often if I can get rid of or reduce my ED issues?  I have never delt with any other addiction issues as I don't have any and I want to be successful with beating this addiction!  I think this is the only way that I can be successful in beating this by taking this 2 step approach!    Thanks for the replies and keep them coming.   
« Last Edit: February 03, 2016, 11:26:45 AM by b2nforme »

Brooklyn Jerry

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #10 on: February 03, 2016, 02:31:28 PM »
I found for me, the problem was more the mastubation then watching porn. Years ago at my job, the guys would watch porn in our break room during lunchtime. Watching porn like that would get me horny, sometime I would go MO. Other times I would  stop in my way home and get a quick BJ from a hooker. And sometimes try and get with my wife that nite. I am sure sorry I behaved like this but that's what happened . I  think if you don't MO it may help you act different toward your wife and she may respond to you in a sexual way. I know how hard it is to,want sex and not get it. My wife passed away 6 years ago, for the last 2 years of her life we only had sex a few times,so,I did JO quite  a bit. I have met a lady and we do have sex on the weekend as we live apart. It is hard for me to not watch porn, but if I do, I try not to cum. I know that even this is not what I should be doing.
Last weekend after having sex on FRI nite I had the urge to PMO on Saturday and actually did so twice. Reading here it seems it is called the rebound effect. I,am having a hard time today myself, but came to this site to,try and hey my mind of PMO.

unchained

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #11 on: February 03, 2016, 06:11:26 PM »
Learn from my mistakes...as they have been plenty.  Unfortunately, I'm stubborn and trip over the same obstacles over and over.

It is dang near impossible to maintain long term sobriety if one continues frequent MO...that's just the way it is.  You may be able to only focus on sensations sometimes, but let's be honest.  Who really wants to jerk off every day or two staring out into outer space while meditating on nothing?  It won't be successful.  Eventually the fantasies and porn thoughts creep back in.  Do that enough and your brain will find a way to rationalize that it's ok just to peek and then the next thing you know you're dusting yourself off again from another bad fall.

Believe me, when I started I was focused on quitting PMO but more or less thought no MO was an unobtainable pipe dream.  I rationalized the occasional (or all too many times frequent) MO as a way to "calm my nerves".  This way I wouldn't be on edge all the time.  I convinced myself it was necessary to MO to keep away from PMO.  But what was happening inside my addict brain was quite the opposite.  What WAS happening in reality was that I was feeding the beast that I was otherwise trying to starve.  Little images of pornstars or porn related scenarios would race through my brain.  It was keeping the appetite alive.  Was it as bad as a 4 hour PMO session?  Surely not.  But it did manage to slow my progress and always eventually led back to a relapse.  You want to starve the beast...that means you don't sneak it small bites...it gets nothing.

There are some rebooters that manage to tell porn to hit the highway and never look back...those are the poster children for successful rebooting.  I'm not one of those guys.  I've had long streaks, short streaks, long binges and small stumbles.  I've tried to do this with and without MO.  The successes I am now having come from learning the hard way.  I wish that wasn't true, but it is.  If you want to heal...heal fast, get back on track and not be in an ever lasting wrestling match with intrusive porn thoughts and imagery then leave your dick alone.

Weening yourself off of MO may work.  I hope it does, but I used to tell myself the same thing.  For most any addiction the only way is cold turkey.  Your brain will lie.  It will say it is impossible.  It will say that pressure is building up (bullshit) and that you will explode.  It is all bullshit.  You will not explode.  Don't waste the next year of your recovery learning the hard way like I did.  In order to make significant progress in your walk away from porn, the MO has to go as well...it just does.

In the end, I actually found that quitting MO to be easier than PMO.  You never would have convinced me of that two years ago but it's true.  It is the porn that is so hard to let go of.  I spent about 30 years constructing the perfect harem in my brain that I could visit anytime I wanted and they were there for nothing other than to fulfill my selfish desires.  That is one tough thing to give up.  Taking control of and choosing to abstain from MO is empowering and will serve you well in resisting the sirens when they beckon.

Remember this...at no point in our lives are we ever stationary.  We are always moving in one direction or another.  There is no "I'm sitting still on this road".  You are either moving toward or away from porn...it's that simple.

Lastly, what BrooklynJerry was referring is known as the chaser effect.  In the early days the chaser is very real...so be on the look out for it.  The chaser has tripped up many a guy...including me.  I don't know why it is, but for some reason the day or so after sex it is very easy to get triggered.  Also, what I found for myself was that I was actually more apt to believe the lies my brain was telling me after having successful sex.  It would usually go something like this "See, your dick worked just fine last night.  You know she probably won't want sex for another few days...why don't you just have a peek.  You're fine now...all healed up.  Why wouldn't you want to check out what new girls are at all of your favorite sites?"...yeah right.

Leave you dang dick alone and don't look at or read anything that is even remotely stimulating and you will be fine.  Don't worry about if it constitutes someone else's definition of what is or what is not porn.  If it gets you going, avoid it like the plague.

Harry Molaski

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #12 on: February 03, 2016, 06:47:42 PM »
Hi Unchained,

Thanks for reaffirming what is still only theory for me, but experience for you. What you advocate is exactly the approach I'm taking. It's worked for me so far. We don't negotiate with the hijacker, addiction.

Harry

harry

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #13 on: February 03, 2016, 07:02:34 PM »
I couldn't agree with unchained more. The beast will never die until you starve it to death.

Initially, I quit PMO, but continued to MO because I had not done enough research to realize this was not good for me. I did not know that MOing was prolonging the whole process. I also thought stopping both (hard mode) was too extreme. I remember thinking, "why don't I just cut off my dick?"

For the next 30 days, I MOd, but I tried to control how often I did it. First, it was just on the weekends and only once per day. That morphed into multiple times per weekend day. By the third week, I was MOing during the week. It's a viscous cycle.

By the end of my first 30 days without PMO, I realized this thing had beaten me, and I surrendered. I put up a 30 day goal of no MO.

Today, I achieved that 30 day no MO goal (I extended it another 30 days), and it is all I can do to keep my hands out of my damn pants. Don't get me wrong, no PMO for 60 days and no MO for 30 days has done wonders for me and my dick, but now, the beast is telling me it's time for a reward. The urge to MO is much, much stronger than my desire for porn.

I will resist because I know where this will lead (see above). I am not strong enough, and I'm not sure I ever will be. This may be irritating to read, but we're just trying to save you some time and heartache.

This isn't easy, but it does get better.

Stay strong!


Phase2

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #14 on: February 03, 2016, 09:54:34 PM »

The idea that you can wean yourself or whittle yourself down or cheat just a little ain't gonna work. "Limited MO to visuals??" That's called PMO. Sorry. I'm telling you this to spare you the MONTHS you will waste trying to do that. The easiest way to break your porn habit is to kill it fast and ruthlessly and completely. Hard Mode. No cheating. All in!

I have a feeling you aren't going to listen to this advice, but in six months, I bet you'll change your mind and do it right. Honestly, you need to read more and learn more about this process. Do that at youbrainonporn.com Good luck buddy! I want you to succeed. That's why I'm telling you this. Cheers.



b2nforme

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #15 on: February 04, 2016, 09:22:23 AM »
I don't think that you read what I wrote correctly about only MOing to scenarios or images that ARE ONLY IN MY MIND , I didn't say anything about images in a magazine or on the internet or anything else outside of my mind.  Thanks for the replies yes it's tough to hear what you are saying about not MOing at all but I'm still a rookie at this rebooting stuff and I'll give that my best shot as well.  I still haven't watched any type of porn for a week now and so far I really don't have any strong urges, I have thought about it a couple of times when I was bored or home alone but I resisted the urge as I'm very serious about beating this thing! 

lyon03

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #16 on: February 04, 2016, 09:28:40 AM »
Hi b2nforme. Welcome to the forum and good luck with your reboot. I applaud you brother for admitting you have a problem, sharing it here, and being open/honest to the different suggestions/opinions of other rebooters. That took a lot of courage and you're on the right path my friend. With regards to taking a two-step approach, you can certainly try it, but recovery while masturbating has too often failed. Here is a thread that may be helpful: http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.0. If you have an addiction, to alcohol, drugs, or pornography/masturbation, I think you first need to understand how that addiction works. For this, I'd get a copy of "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson. Wilson's book explains that our true addiction is to the neurochemical dopamine. So let's be clear that you're addicted to dopamine and get it through porn/masturbation/orgasm (or PMO as we call it). I think you need to first define what reboot or recovery mean to you. Given your first post, it appears that you want to once again have healthy strong erections to enjoy sex with your wife. If overcoming erectile dysfunction is your main goal, then you need to stop both porn and masturbation, as both have resulted in your ED. Think of your dopamine addiction like an alcohol addiction. In order to get drunk, an alcoholic can drink beer, wine, whiskey, vodka...it doesn't really matter when, where, or how often. An alcoholic simply cannot control the addiction. The addiction controls her. Moreover, the alcoholic will drink anything to get the same feeling of intoxication. Similarly, like all of us you use porn and masturbation (or both) to get your dopamine high. What you're advocating in your two-step approach is something I call 'lite beer syndrome.' It's like an alcoholic trying to overcome her booze addiction by just drinking lite beer. So what's my point? My point is you're trying to rationalize a very serious addiction to both porn and masturbation that has resulted in erectile dysfunction. So here is my suggestion: try go without both porn and masturbation for 90 days. No one ever died because they didn't jerk off. First tell your wife what you're doing so she's onboard/aware. After going cold turkey for a few weeks or perhaps a month, you'll start to feel the spark of a connection with your wife. Then after about 40-60 days, you'll be so turned on by your wife that you'll be aching to have sex with her. Your first few attempts probably won't result in the rock-hard erections you had in your 20s, because you're not 20 anymore. But you'll start to feel a connection to someone you love again which is so much more important than the mechanics of boners and orgasms. If you make it to 90 days without porn, masturbation, orgasm (PMO), I guarantee you'll get your mojo back which means both strong erections and an incredible bond with your wife. Isn't all that worth keeping your hand off your d*ck for three months? Your choice brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.     
« Last Edit: February 04, 2016, 09:30:50 AM by lyon03 »

b2nforme

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #17 on: February 04, 2016, 02:29:43 PM »
Thanks for the reply and your support, not doing any MOing (even to just scenarios in my mind) along with totally cutting out all porn is really going to make this difficult.  So can someone tell me if there are rules and regulations as far as having sex with my wife.  Should I wait a certain time period for that and only do it every so often (how often?) or can I have as much sex with my wife as she can handle?  Where can I find this type of information for rebooting?  I guess my train of thought analogy for doing the 2 step approach is instead of drinking a 1/5 of whiskey every day (cutting out all porn) that If I had 1-2 beers every couple of days (MOing once every couple days) and eventually reduce that down to no beers or any alcohol that it would be much more achievable and still would be helping out my mind and body as compared to what I have been doing than cutting out all alcohol right from the start cold turkey.     

unchained

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Re: I just found this site and would like some opinions /advice
« Reply #18 on: February 04, 2016, 03:07:43 PM »
It's not that a taper down method can't work in addictions, it's just that it almost always backfires.  It's like your trying to control something that you know you can't control.

If your goal is to be free of the addiction, then make a clean break.  I speak from personal experience and personal failures when I say to you that it is best to save your dick for your wife.  If good healthy sex with her is your true desire then don't let anything other than her be your desire.  Don't even fantasize about her and MO, just use it with her.  Train your body that if it wants sexual contact then there is just one place it is going to get it.  Just like I know from experience what doesn't work, I can tell you that this does.

People will tell you differing things about when it is ok to have sex.  I suppose if you have bad PIED, then it's best give it some time.  If you are functioning ok, then have sex whenever you feel ready.  Again, very very cautious of the chaser effect...it is no joke.  I've found that if I'm horny the day after sex I just have more sex.  Isn't having an active, healthy and frequent sexlife kind of the goal anyway?  Just be aware of your thoughts.  Having lots of sex can get you thinking that everything is ok and overconfidence can cause stumbles.