Author Topic: Reset again and again and again....  (Read 4383 times)

dharma108

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Reset again and again and again....
« on: January 24, 2016, 05:10:07 PM »
Resetting the counter again. Trying not to be discouraged and that's a hard one.  Part of me feels like at least I can make it 4-5 days and then again, I have been struggling to make it past 7 w/o PMO which feels like no progress and internally I feel stuck.

I mentioned in a previous post that I have been ignoring my issues and they have been getting worse it seems over the last year.  I am trying to re-commit to 1. Awareness and 2. Disciplined action.

These cycles seem to repeat.  My partner has been on the edge once again of giving up on our relationship due to the way I am engaging/not engaging.   I can see how much my addictions play out and effect the rest of my life and cause pain to those around me as well as myself.     I am making the commitment to try to stop.  I am making the commitment to re engaging in therapy.   I am making the commitment to engage in my meditation practice and to meet with my teachers around this.  Feels like I need anything and everything to step toward a more lasting recovery.

I am feeling exhausted with this and tired of the repeat cycles and hearing myself say the same shit over and over again.   What is it going to take to act in a way that will feel like consistent action?

To starting over again.       


akpal2

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2016, 05:23:30 PM »
Have you educated yourself properly on what issue you are up against dharma? I suggest you go through some of this material. It is important.  It is not just about porn. It is about your dopamine addiction. Go through the whole of the thread posted below and then let me know what you think.

http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.0

Btw progress in this cause is not linear. If you relapse you haven't lost ALL of your progress. You have been set back somewhat (varying from person to person) but not all is lost. So chin up and get going.



dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2016, 08:21:24 PM »
Thanks akpal2  I appreciate the link.  I have read and seen of videos on the subject.  But this was a great reminder of physiological changes and hurdles surrounding addiction.   I found a few other links and talks on the subject as well http://dharmapunxnyc.podbean.com/e/ways-to-change-bad-habits/.   Super helpful and for me this reminder that addiction creates these neuropathways that trigger chemical reactions and physical feedback loops, takes the edge off of the self criticism, guilt and blame.  It hits this common sense chord of "oh yeah of course, the dopamine rush feels better"  after years of habit forming it seems natural that this continually triggers bad choices.   I have been putting 100% of the blame and questioning on my ability.  I am not expressing this as an excuse, but rather a recognition that I can acknowledge for myself that this is also physical/bodily reaction as well as mental and mind based.

Thanks again for this educational reminder, so important.
 


dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #3 on: January 28, 2016, 10:35:31 PM »
Feeling a lot of gratitude for this forum right now.  I can relate to a lot of what people are expressing and feel inspired by some of the guys who are going a long time without PMO.  I am on day 5 feeling ok.   My partner and I have agreed to take some space right now while I gather myself together and she needs the same too.  Her father is a heroin addict and a real scumbag and she has expressed that my addiction has been really triggering for her which I understand and feel torn up about.   At the same time the two of us have been doing this back and forth thing for a while where we break up take space get back together.  We have a tremendously deep connection but I just don't know right now. 

I am feeling more determined to really lean into this thing and try to stop.  I re activated my K9 block on all my devices and I have an appointment to see my therapist again. 

I haven't really had a lot of craving for P the last few days.  Just one random P thought.   I saw someone on the train today (I am a daily commuter) and this creeper of a thought came in like "oh that reminds me of a scene in one P that went like this that and the other thing".    I have always been attracted to women and have had a strong sex drive so there are a few women I work with that I have crushes on and I notice how I get ramped up a little around them.    I am not sure if this is an addict behavior for me or not.  I am not saying inappropriate things or blatantly staring etc. But  I do feel like I need to reign in the vibe a little as I want to respect my colleagues' space.  A big part of my intention to quit P is that I want to be an ally to women in not perpetuating patriarchy/male privilege/rape culture.    I feel hypocritical that I watch P and feel that way about women.  It's a hard thing to navigate, in some ways I feel more comfortable around women and relate better, and then I can also see how P has effected my confidence around communicating with women and the obvious objectification that comes up.  Its hard to find that line of what is acceptable playful flirtation, what is inappropriate, and is this just human relation or am I perpetuating another potential addictive behavior?   Connecting with people is good.   I have this future fear that if I get over P that I might replace it with compulsive sex.    I think I am struggling too with whether space with my partner is an opportunity to meet other women, and is that something I am interested in? Oh well, feeling relatively alright so far and glad to have a space to air out my thoughts.

« Last Edit: January 28, 2016, 10:38:55 PM by dharma108 »


dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #4 on: February 01, 2016, 02:21:38 PM »
Really struggling today.  I have passed the one week threshold and freaking out a little bit. 

On the positive side:  I started going to the gym again which feels really good.  I have been everyday since Friday and looking to continue.  I find it really helps in so many ways.  Going to continue.  I definitely feel more energy and at times experience some mental clarity.

Negative side:  I have been getting headaches on and off.   The weekends are hard as I have a lot of time on my hands and mainly alone in my apartment.  Trying to find ways of getting out.  I slipped a little bit this weekend with watching some softcore/edging but no O.  I am not going to reset for that.   Sometimes I start off with softcore, then it escalates to PMO.  The no hardcore P to O for me feels like some progress.(I don't know maybe I am justifying) 

Today I decided to work from home, my sleep cycle is way off going to bed late and waking up late.  Luckily my boss and management are so flexible also my commute is long.    Feeling really anxious today and having trouble focusing.   Very ADD like.  There is this tension of resistance.  There are so many thoughts swirling around too.  I am working from home tomorrow too and have an appointment with my therapist.  I feel like I am just going to unload on her. I am coming to terms with the fact that I have honestly been an addict for most of my life.  Last year I admitted that I have an addiction to P. I acknowledged that I need to stop but I realize the last year I didn't fully own that.   1.  I didn't fully admit the range and scale of my addiction 2. I don't think I fully wanted to stop nor did I feel like I could.    Currently I am realizing all of this and I have to stop for so many reasons personally, spiritually and relationship wise.  My addictions just permeate everything not all of the time 100% but definitely throughout.   

I started M when I was around 11.  For me it started with imagination, or Victorias Secret catalogs,the squiggly blurred lines on the cinemax channel or anything I could get my hands on.  Eventually that continued through college and into the hight speed internet era which for me started post college.   The other piece for me is that I started smoking cigarettes at 12-13, was drinking at that age and then from 14-18 or 19 I was smoking pot almost everyday.  I started using psychedelics acid and mushrooms and there were a few years in there where I was always high on something.  I smoked weed daily but if that wasn't around it was snorting ridalin, or smoking hash/opium or taking painkillers.   I pretty much used anything but coke and heroin.   Throughout all of this P/M/O was always there.    So for me I realize from reading articles about dopamine and how I am chasing the rush physically, I noticed that I have always been an addict.   I gave up Pot/cigarettes and other drugs and replaced them with semi-regular drinking and P.    It's a real eye opener for me to see how long this has been going on and that it shifts.   P is always there but it can shift to drinking or shopping or over eating.  I also feel the pain of admitting that I have been caught up for so long and I have caused a lot of pain in my life and with my relationships especially my current relationship that is on hold.

Sigh!  Just trying to get through this day.  Feel like I am on the verge of breakdown.
     


pinkerton

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2016, 08:39:04 AM »
Hang in there dharma108. I started about the age you did with MO using imagination or anything i could find. I only realized this past year how my Pmo addiction has permeated my life for so long. I sometimes wonder how much different/better i would have been without it.
 Oh well, just trying to see how much better i can be without it in the present.
 Good luck to you

dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2016, 09:43:01 AM »
I caved in last night.  I think that determines for me no cheating with softcore, youtube, pics etc.    All in all I still feel good.   I am trying not to hang on to guilt and shame.  Acknowledging, letting go and moving forward.  Of course I feel a little bummed but honestly 8 days was the longest in a while for me.   Going to try to keep stretching it. 


akpal2

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #7 on: February 02, 2016, 08:13:45 PM »
yep, no need to linger on it. Just move on. 8 days is a start. You will get better at it. Just make sure to avoid the kind of mistakes that I did. Once I PMO'd once then I binged and then it was downhill for 1.5 months. I am happy to note that you are not binging.

As someone who has had a LOT of problems with porn, fantasy, edging, traumatic masturbation syndrome, etc (read my thread for some idea of what I lead my penis through) I can attest to the fact that staying away from all sorts of P whether hardcore, softcore, imagination (in my case my biggest enemy is fantasy I believe) has helped me to increase the quality of my erection. Besides other benefits. It's another matter that my boner doesn't last long and I still have a LONG way to go before I can say that I have recovered fully :p



dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #8 on: February 04, 2016, 07:57:11 PM »
akpal2 I hear you about the binging, I went two sessions in a row the other day almost back to back.  When it happens its like welll eff it I already went over the edge.   I loose hours over this stuff.  Not sure if anyone relates to this specifically but I get caught in the search for the perfect scene  or the perfect V shot.

Anyway doing better so far.  Struggling with some loneliness and reflection on my relationship that is currently on hold for the moment.    But trying to keep myself busy with working out and been doing some creative art projects.

I don't know if anyone else out there struggles with close friends or family on this one?   But I had this tough moment today with my sister who I am really close with.   She reached out asking if I was okay, sensing distance and things of that sort.   I found myself struggling to respond.   We talk about everything and have been very close.   But I felt like I had to respond with vagueness and the "yes I am struggling personally but don't feel like it is something I want to share."    Right now my partner knows, my therapist knows and one of my male friends knows.  I really don't feel comfortable sharing with the world that I am a P addict other than that and meetings/forums.  Its challenging though because people pick up on the vibe and the struggle and then I have to be like yup but but nope.  I am pretty open with most things but this is like way too personal.   

     


akpal2

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2016, 10:01:25 AM »
I also think its probably not a great idea to share the P addiction with everybody. I would only do that if I am comfortable sharing this with someone and I haven't shared it with anyone at all.



thewhitewindow

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2016, 10:11:53 AM »
Hey dharma108, 

I have to agree with akpal2 on this, event though family might love you and want the best for you. They may not understand P addiction to the same degree you do, or RN does.

Even very close friends may not understand this, during early stages of a reboot I would suggest being open and honest here for healthy guidance.

Hope that helps.

dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2016, 01:19:38 PM »
Yeah thanks for your support.  It's such an intimate thing.  I am pretty clear I don't feel like sharing with anyone other than the three people who know.  It's that awkward thing of someone picking up on the fact that something is up.  I am not going to cross the boundary for myself but it's awkward to be like yes something is up but I can't share it with you.


dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #12 on: February 16, 2016, 11:12:45 AM »
Day 12 this is the longest I have gone in a while.  I did have a moment or two of watching P/softcore but no PMO not counting it as a defeat.    I had a really rough day yesterday.   Just a lot of little things agitating me.  I notice I get more tripped up by the little things than the major things.  Like I was running late for work and then got to train station to realize they are on holiday schedule so was really late for work, then rushed to get stuff prepared for boss, then needed to leave due to snow storm, train delays going home and in the course of this I didn't get a chance to really eat anything.   Plus had some stirring correspondence with my partner (taking a break for a month).   Just seems silly but I was so torqued up by all these little things.   I realize I have been experiencing the withdrawal too.  I just feel this restlessness and agitation.   Interesting I am not feeling urges with it but rather seems like just random figityness and agitation. 

On a positive note it feels like I have been on track with making more healthy choices for myself in a consistent way.  I spoke to therapist and she recommended routine.   I have been on a good streak of going to the gym, eating better connecting more with community/friends.   I have also decided that I don't want alcohol in my life either.   I went to superbowl gathering at my sisters and drank root beer.  It felt really good though awkward at first.   It is amazing to me how hard it is to not drink in social settings.  Not for me but just it seems so acceptable and it is like weird if you don't.       


cap

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #13 on: February 16, 2016, 12:55:08 PM »
Routine is good.  I can relate to the little things, that the dopamine seeking brain uses as wedges to get its fix.  It may be a good idea to meditate or find another healthy alternative that you can have ready to turn to.

dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2016, 01:34:14 PM »
Thanks Cap,

I am a practicing Buddhist, meditation is definitely part of my "daily" life.  As in I commit to daily practice but sometimes it ends up being once or a few time a week. I find the more I practice the more beneficial it is.  I have been finding lately that I have had a lot of trouble just sitting with the agitation and I have been avoiding and resisting practice lately.   I can do it I have sat in stillness for long periods of time but seems like I am in a phase of resistance and agitation, fidgeting.  Yeah for me I notice if something major happens there is no choice but to deal with it and experience it.  I really struggle with the subtle day to day annoyances, probably due to the obvious lately that I am having that dopa mine withdrawal.


dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #15 on: February 18, 2016, 02:43:59 PM »
Two weeks this is good so far.  Had a rough day yesterday into this morning feeling really depressed.  I just left work yesterday feeling a tremendous sadness that felt like it was out of the blue.   Then just couldn't get out of bed today.    I mentioned before that during this two weeks I have a had a few moments of watching P but no MO.   I am curious how other people experience that?   For me personally I am not counting that as a mark off the counter.  I feel like there is a demonstration of restraint and mindfulness with the step of not following through. The P.M.O. are all connected and breaking a part of that chain for me feels like a success though there is a recognition of the gray area and the fact of wasting time watching P for a moment.   Trying to stick it out through the ups and downs here.


dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #16 on: February 23, 2016, 11:10:05 PM »
Ok just added the M and edging counter on board.  Trying to get real clear with myself  here.   I had a day that started today with edging  to fantasy and escalated to edging to softcore and then to edging to P.  But no O.   I took a look right over to the website for info about M and edging.   http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/what-if-i-use-porn-without-orgasm

I am trying not to beat myself up or be discouraged.  There needs to be a moment of accountability that this won't ultimately help in my recovery process and that in complete disclosure it feels like another subtle level of denial to get through a slight cheating of the process.  With that being said, I can also celebrate the fact that I am 19 days without PMO, and I have built up a strength to resist and stop in these moments of edging or watching.   From here on out I will set the goal of no PMO and no M or edging to P or P substitutes. 

Carry on.


dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #17 on: March 17, 2016, 09:51:53 AM »
I haven't posted in a while, I have been very busy which on some level is good on another level can be stressful.  Overall I have been doing better I guess.   I went 35 days the longest I have gone ever which feels good.  I am feeling like I am getting some distance.  I had a really rough week last week.   One of my neighbors hung himself and I got to my apartment as the emergency responders were wheeling him out on stretcher trying to revive him. They wheeled him right passed me and I could see his face with no life in it  His girlfriend found him probably 30-45 mins before I got to the scene and she was in apartment hysterical and I was outside consoling one of my neighbors who got there as she was screaming.  .   Was a really intense experience.  I saw him everyday just about and said hello but I only learned his name that day.  I can't count how many times I have said to myself that I should introduce myself and just never did.  My apartment complex has felt very eerie since.    Last week I was struggling to get to sleep and had a relapse moment.  My first one was ok.  I acknowledged it and tried to let it go and move on.   I had another relapse moment last night too.  Just snuck up on me.  Feeling really upset with myself today.   I have been on this good streak lately.  I have been doing strength training really early on weekdays so I have been training and waking up early, meditating and practicing some discipline.    I slipped up last night and woke up late this am decided to work from home and skip my commute.  But just feeling really upset with myself and down.  Going to try to be more gentle with myself today if possible.
 
   


dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #18 on: April 19, 2016, 11:18:50 AM »
 Haven't posted or been on site for a little while.  Had a good run for almost a month and I have been back in relapse mode again.  I keep repeating the same patterns.   Off for a few days to a week and then back on.  Trying to make a sustained effort.  I have K9 software but I know the password.    I am wondering if there are other temporary solutions to web blocking where I could block and not have the option to unblock.  My thought is to do this for a month or a few months just to give myself some sustained time away from P.  I understand that eventually I have to build the strength to make the choice myself and that I cannot block myself off from the world.  Just thinking it would be helpful to get a head start and lay the ground for myself to not even have the option to view if I wanted to.


 


virtueorvice

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #19 on: April 19, 2016, 12:38:00 PM »
Haven't posted or been on site for a little while.  Had a good run for almost a month and I have been back in relapse mode again.  I keep repeating the same patterns.   Off for a few days to a week and then back on.  Trying to make a sustained effort.  I have K9 software but I know the password.    I am wondering if there are other temporary solutions to web blocking where I could block and not have the option to unblock.  My thought is to do this for a month or a few months just to give myself some sustained time away from P.  I understand that eventually I have to build the strength to make the choice myself and that I cannot block myself off from the world.  Just thinking it would be helpful to get a head start and lay the ground for myself to not even have the option to view if I wanted to.

You can choose a long password and then forget it. Just some random characters and that's it! But be careful not to block anything that you need. I am also using K9 and have blocked some sites through Hosts file.

nekkhamma

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #20 on: April 20, 2016, 10:01:37 AM »
Another thing that may help is to go online only when it is necessary. One of my porn trigger is aimless browsing. After some time of aimless web surfing, I would feel bored and go for porn. Or maybe I'll come across an unrelated web site with NSFW content. That would eventually make me go for porn.

dharma108

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #21 on: April 26, 2016, 01:36:52 PM »
Thanks nekkhamma.   I have been thinking about what you mentioned that part of the problem is  being online or constantly connected on phone.   My job requires email and computer and I work from home 1 day a week so I cannot totally not use a computer.  My partner lives about an hour away and we stay connected via gchat. The thing that I have been contemplating is maybe having a no screen time like after 8 or 9 pm.  That also tends to be my vulnerable time before bed etc. or on weekend with nothing to do.  I am also considering going to meetings.  The other challenging thing with P addiction is the tendency to isolate.  Today I changed my password to K9 and then threw it out so I couldn't turn the settings off.   Now I just need to find something for the phone.   

Going to start fresh.   I feel like I have made progress on depression.  I have been doing this new strength training program that feels great and has given me a boost in confidence and energy.  This takes the edge off of the shame and depression I feel from relapse.  Got to get back to recovery for long term.     


cap

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #22 on: April 26, 2016, 02:37:35 PM »
Hang in there Dharma.  Persistence is the name of the game.

nekkhamma

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Re: Reset again and again and again....
« Reply #23 on: April 27, 2016, 07:55:31 AM »
Great to hear about your progress and the K9 plan that you took. Yes, I think strength training or any other form of exercise would help. If I'm not mistaken, exercise can trigger the release of dopamine.

Like you, I also suffer from depression and ponder about suicide from time to time. The depression always subsides after so time. So, I can relate to what you go through, well maybe my case of depression isn't very serious that I don't need medication. But you have to be careful about depression because I used to watch porn to cheer up myself. When life seems so low, we always want to find some form of escape.

Don't feel dishearten if you relapse. A journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step, you'll get there.