Author Topic: That's my journey!  (Read 5761 times)

sm

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That's my journey!
« on: January 11, 2016, 07:49:07 AM »
Hi everyone,
I'm a 31 years old woman who's been addicted to porn since... uhm, always, I guess. I started to masturbate at a very young age (really young age, I actually don't remember how and when It started, to give you an idea how early in my life It was). You know when people say "I used to touch myself already at 5, but It was not sexual, It just felt good"? well, I used to touch myself at five, either, but for me It was sexual. I didn't think about penetration or whatsoever, but I had soft-core phantasies I have no idea where coming from. When I grew up that turned to an addiction to porn. How does it affect my life? I'm a nice looking and quite funny girl, I think, I'm sorrounded by a lot of great friends, I have a good social life, and a job that I really like. I don't seem to have any problem, but I'm never so focused and my romantic life sucks. I've been in love, and been loved in return, but everytime I blew It. It's like I'm not able to be sexual attracted by the man I love, but I can only be aroused by gross men, that's the sex I dream of (even if I don't go for it in real life).
This has to stop, I've been PM free for some moments in my life and they have been great.


ps: sorry if my english is not perfect, but I'm italian (a country where apparently no woman even masturbates) and I'v tried the best I can

Johnny Trailer

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2016, 11:18:58 AM »
you conditioned your brain with porn to get aroused by ugly douchebag looking guys and not the one you love. i forgot to say hi to you too but its never too late. hi. you still have an erection or whatever, you have good social life, job you like and so on. its good, you are not the worst case. porn can cause lots of social problems and social is wide area of life. if you stop PMO, porn induced arousal to dinosaurus look alike men will fade away and your romantic relationships will become pleasant... so go for it sm!

my english is not perfect either but i hope i can understand you each other.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2016, 11:20:48 AM by Numez »
My last relapse: 24.Oct.2019 // My total # of relapses in the last 30 days: 2

sm

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2016, 12:25:23 PM »
Thanks for you reply, Numez!  :)

BetterLife

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2016, 06:20:40 AM »
It's interesting that this also affects women.

Good for you that you have decided to join the revolution and take back your life!

Stay strong  :)

Thenewbrucelee

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2016, 10:49:58 AM »
Best thing I ever did was install filters on my internets. Honestly, it really helps bc it's just one more barrier. I think if you're serious about quitting P, it's worth a shot! K-9 is a particularly good internet filter service.
I believe in the power of the human spirit when properly applied to do most anything and I believe you can do this.

so, cheers and good luck!

"Don't count the days, make the days count" - Muhammad Ali. Let's fucking go.

sm

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2016, 12:20:40 PM »
Thanks you all, guys :-)!
Yes, there are also women with this problem, and being that so strange makes this even more shameful.
I'm going to try k-9, I was just looking for a good filter. It's been 13 days so far, I didn't need one yet, but I'm not sure how long I can go on without.
cheers and stay strong you too! ;-)

sm

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #6 on: January 26, 2016, 07:59:46 AM »
Actually, I relapsed on sunday. It's been unexpected, It had been 15 days and I was feeling quite confident. Anyway, It's amazing (in a very bad way) how that can affect our life, during the days without pornography I really felt great and stronger than usual. Also, at the same time, It's true what i read somewhere: after about ten days I started to feel as I wasn't going to feel sexual attraction anymore, and that's been scary.
I'll be better this time, and I'm definitely going to install a filter today.

BetterLife

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2016, 01:43:29 AM »
Keep going! Every relapse is an opportunity to come back even stronger!  :)

sm

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #8 on: January 27, 2016, 09:27:32 AM »
 :)

Poppy

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2016, 08:21:30 PM »
Sm reading your post was so helpful. I'm in the same boat, female in my 30s. And I had the same experience watching the "old men" porn, I was so scared that I was so messed up because that got me off. But then it was confusing because in real life I definitely didn't want to have sex with any nasty old guys but I wasn't getting anywhere in bed with my boyfriend who's my age and I find insanely attractive so I was like wtf? I think the old man thing is just because it's extreme. In fact I'm pretty sure that's the case from everything I read. So just have to have faith.
I'm on my second reboot too. It gets tough for me some days when I start thinking that I'll never be able to have a normal orgasm and if I'm not masturbating that means I'll never orgasm again, that's a scary thought! But then I remember that things DEFINITELY won't change if I don't try. When the urge gets really bad I tell myself, just have to make it the next 30 min, and when that passes I tell myself just the next 30...eventually it subsides. Or I force myself to go out in public.
Just know that you're doing amazing and that you've helped me by writing on here, so thank you!

sm

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2016, 08:45:14 AM »
Hi Poppy! I'm so glad my story helped you :). It's been 3 weeks now since my last relapse and I'm really starting to feel that things are changing. I'm sure you're gonna do it to! be strong! Yeii to your new life!

sm

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2016, 12:04:50 PM »
I had a relapse on Sunday, after one month. uff. It's been very awkward, after 32 days I had forgotten how depressing masturbation on porn was for me; I thought "wow, It's been a long time, I can do this, It's not going to be bad". Actually It was, on Monday I was crashed, and tired. I guess for me masturbation on porn is really connected to anxiety. That day, I had lunch with a guy who I'm hanging out sometimes, I can see he likes me, but I've never been interested, but on Sunday something kind of changed, I could actually like him back. I came home and the possibility to start right now a relationship, and not in my future dreams, freaked me out.
I'm so pissed, last month, as "sober", has been kind of great. Yes, the lack of sexual desire without pornography worried me, but I read here that It's normal, so It didn't too much. I had very good time with my friends, I started to change the ones I didn't like, I did a lot of thing I love (going to concerts, cinema, theatre, more then the usual happy hour) and I also found a new better place to move to. Well, the counting started again, and It's been three days.

sm

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #12 on: April 22, 2016, 06:00:39 PM »
I did great for almost another month, but It's a couple of weeks that I am in a bad mood and I keep relapsing. uff  :-\

Johnny Trailer

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #13 on: April 23, 2016, 05:25:37 AM »
you are very special around here SM  :) what SM stands for?

here are some quick links for some general help around porn addiction:
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change
http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/solo-tools



My last relapse: 24.Oct.2019 // My total # of relapses in the last 30 days: 2

J

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #14 on: May 02, 2016, 05:42:47 PM »
Hi Poppy! I'm so glad my story helped you :). It's been 3 weeks now since my last relapse and I'm really starting to feel that things are changing. I'm sure you're gonna do it to! be strong! Yeii to your new life!

Hey SM, we hear ya! It's always frustrating at the beginning and then constant relapsing is just infuriating. What I try to remind people is that your brain will revert back to old habits when something bad happens, or you get in a bad mood, or stressed, all because it looks for comfort.

I know you may have heard it time and time again to create good habits, which is important but what I encourage is to create new good habits that you know will stick and what really helps is having something to look forward. I don't think there is one solid factor that makes a person relapse. Sure you have to know your triggers and practice healthier habits but sometimes it really feels like a job and it can get frustrating.

One thing that worked for me that maybe will work for you is finding that quiet place inside. The thing that will relax you enough to get your mind off. It's not enough to create a good habit as much as it is to create good thinking habits. It's also how you look at it. You can see it as "crap, I relapsed only after a month" or as "wow, I made it for a month, that means 30 days, that means, I really can do this!"

Perception and perspective is everything. Take this time as a board game. You have thrown down on the pieces of you on the board and now slowly you are getting it. The first time you play the game, you did okay or better than expected or maybe not as well at all, but the second round you play, you starts to understand the rules better. If you can face your process as you would a new board game, you will come to understand yourself a little better overtime. From there you can make better decisions of how you move forward.

Don't stop, just get back in the game.



sm

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2016, 04:02:48 PM »
Hi everyone, thanks for your responses; these days I'm actually avoiding to open the forum, I'm trying to not think about porn at all, doing like my addiction doesn't exist. Anyway, even if I blame myself for relapsing sometimes, I can see that my life during these months is really improved: I moved to a nicest house, I quit my old job to one that I love, with new people and new environment, and I'm even starting to be interested in people again. J, you are right, I guess the most important days are the ones I'm able to remain strong.  :)
knowing about this community is really helpful, I think having a space to write about all of this is great.

offaxis

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #16 on: May 20, 2016, 10:54:40 AM »
Please keep posting. I can connect a lot with your struggle and trying to turn things around.

Honestly, acting like your addiction doesn't exist I think is a dangerous thing to do. It's kind of a form of denial and I worry can set you up for a relapse later. It's harder but more truthful to recognise we are all addicts here. Then you can focus on learning and applying the tools to better yourself. And part of that is certainly living life more and fully. Being fulfilled.

It's really good to hear you have made a lot of positive changes around your work and where you live. I hope these are real genuine things that fulfil you and are moving towards you life dream and vision. That is the most important thing. I am wary of making similar leaps in my life in case I am swapping one set of problems for another, or just trying to escape from life. Which is what this is all about really. There are good suggestions from J below too.

Creating good habits is really important and equally so is learning from your relapses, how and why things went wrong so you can do something different the next time and hopefully break out of the cycle. Getting over the guilt and blame can be incredibly hard. It is far from easy and takes time.

I admire your courage and strength for coming on here and opening up about everything as well as your determination to change your life for the better. I wish you every success.

Peace

sm

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #17 on: May 28, 2016, 03:53:44 AM »
Hi offaxis! Yes, You are probably right, pretending the addiction doesn't exist is not working. I had several relapses last week, even if they have been "softer" (no actual pornography, but just erotic stories I found online). Anyway, today is Saturday, and usually the weekend is the hardest moment, these days most of my friends are out of town, while I'm here working, so It's gonna be even worse than usual.
Thank you again for all your messages, every time I open this board It is really moving. I'm not into forums at all, and this is the very first time I write on one. It's great to connect and share with people who are in the same boat I am.

offaxis

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #18 on: June 25, 2016, 03:50:31 PM »
How have you been lately? It's been a couple of weeks.

I think staying off porn is great, so well done for that. Do you feel like erotic stories are a substitute for that? In which case, maybe you are just moving the problem around a bit. Only you can really judge if that's true or not. It depends what sexual behaviour you feel personally comfortable with. Defining that very specifically and clearly may help. Where there's gaps or "not sure" behaviours then those are places addiction can creep back in.

Identifying triggers like your friends being out of town and you at work is also a good way of looking at it. Are you not happy with your work? Do you feel lonely when your friends are not around? These things may be triggers.

I can connect strongly with loneliness being a personal trigger for me and I have underestimated quite how much contact I need with people to help meet my needs. So making more friends, ensuring I meet people most evenings, regular phone conversations, going out to dance classes etc. Are all good ways of meeting that need for me and keep me away from a computer and porn. So, whatever the trigger, once identified you can work out ways of meeting it.

Take care.

sm

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #19 on: June 29, 2016, 12:54:19 PM »
Hi offaxis! I'm doing fine, thanks for asking :-).
It's been about 30 days since the last time I watched pornography, and I'm quite happy about it. Yes, erotic stories are definitely a substitute for that, and I'm trying to avoid them as well. About one week ago I started to read one, but I've been able to stop after a few lines. During these days I'm actually into a flat line, I feel quite indifferent, I hope It's just a time span.
Loneliness is a trigger for me, I know that for sure, but It is not because I don't like to spend time alone, I love spending time alone, I love reading, movies, music, but the problem is that I like porn too. The worst thing is that if I watch porn first, then I don't want to do the things I like anymore, maybe It is because I feel guilty, but I don't know. Anyway, like you, I try to spend outside with people more time I can. It's summer, now, so It's easier.
thanks for your words
take care!


stillme

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #20 on: July 03, 2016, 06:53:18 AM »
You mentioned something in your first post that was interesting. You stated that even at a very young age - masturbation was sexual for you. You said you could not even remember when it wasn't sexual and there weren't sexual fantasies. Do you have any recollection of sexual abuse? Young children that are sexually abused, especially those that are used for child pornography are often required to do sexual play and fantasy type of activities on camera. Some of theses victims are extremely young - one, two, and three years old even. It might be a good idea to work with a licensed professional to ensure there are not some past traumatic experiences from your very early youth that aren't driving part of this addiction as well.

That would be advice for men, too. If self pleasuring involved sexual fantasy and fetish even before the age of seven - there may be some additional issues as well. Many children repress sexual abuse, especially if the abuser was a loved one like a parent or sibling. Unfortunately, there are a lot of victims of child sexual abuse - with statistics saying as many as 1 in 5 children will be sexually abused before the age of 18. If you honestly cannot remember when it became sexual and not simply children exploring their own body, but you know it was sexual at an extremely young age (i.e. five or earlier) - it might be a good idea to have at least one session with a licensed psychologist that works with victims of abuse. I am not expert, that comment just really jumped out to me.

sm

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Re: That's my journey!
« Reply #21 on: July 09, 2016, 03:53:15 AM »
Hi stillme, thanks for your message.
Yes, I actually have been thinking about it, a lot, but I can't remember any abuse during my childhood. I started to see a psychologist a while ago, and I can't recollect anything like that. Maybe It is because I'm not a great talker and I find very hard to open up with someone, but no story of abuse ever came up. Anyway, that's one of the reasons I went to therapy at first place, because I wanted to find out. There are also some other aspects of my life that make me think something happened, but for now I can honestly recollect nothing.
take care!
have a nice day