Author Topic: Haven't posted in a while  (Read 1170 times)

dharma108

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Haven't posted in a while
« on: January 06, 2016, 11:05:08 PM »
Haven't logged in for 8 months, My tracker is not accurate.  Its been 7 days and honestly been struggling to get passed 7-10 days for over a year now.  My partner is an Al Anon family member.  Her family members have struggled with addiction for years.   We have been talking a lot about addictive behavior and how it manifests.  I have been noticing how my tendencies fluctuate from over eating and sweets, to drinking, to over working and even obsessive device tinkering (that check your smartphone itch).  It always comes back to porn for me though and I keep admitting to myself that I do not have control over my desires.

As a Buddhist practitioner, attachment to desire is a major root cause of suffering and that certainly rings true for myself.  I have been avoiding my practice because of the uncomfortable fact that I need to face myself and deal with this.  I recognize that I will not progress spiritually if I cannot work in a healthy way with my desires and cravings.  I notice how my major obstacle is discipline and consistent sustained effort with many things in my life from porn addiction to Dharma practice and meditation, to exercise and also applying myself to the things that bring me joy.   I have been questioning "what is it that holds me back from making effort?", "what is keeping me from doing the things that I enjoy?", "what is it exactly that triggers my addictive habitual patterns?"  I feel like I experienced a break through moment recently acknowledging that most often I am triggered by the fear and rawness of feeling vulnerable.  The acknowledgement that maybe I feel sad or uncomfortable or unsure, or that I don't quite have it together or under control.  I run from that feeling, engage in addictive behavior and then start the spin cycle of shame and unworthiness.   This cripples me from making future effort as "I will surely fail".  What really gets me is that I have a framework for working with all of this.  My practice teaches me to lean into the uncomfortable, look honestly at these cycles that vulnerability is what leads to compassion  and I am still not practicing.  Conceptual understanding doesn't mean anything without the application and discipline of practicing.  So I am trying to work one day at a time working mindfully and trying to attempt to give myself space with the struggle.

 

   
« Last Edit: January 06, 2016, 11:08:45 PM by dharma108 »


AoMSentMe

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Re: Haven't posted in a while
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2016, 10:30:32 PM »
Good luck dharma! Habits are tough, and this is one of the toughest. I too have given much thought to what triggers it, and try to keep some of the triggers out of my life, the best I can. Good luck in finding what works for you and giving up porn!

Numezz

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Re: Haven't posted in a while
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2016, 09:49:04 AM »
yo you on some buddha, thats good stuff. attachment to desire is major root cause of suffering i totally agree on this one and i guess that is how i managed to break free. im not into religion but that simply makes sense and my experience is backing that up.

lookout for hidden positive things that PMO gives you. see if they are really positive, are they even real. do you really end cravings after relapse? or whatever you think you getting out of it. check it out for yourself. if you investigate you will see that relapse and PMO have no positivity in it and therefore you will lose desire to feed your cravings. thats much easier than fighting with urges. since you are into buddhism, listen to buddha mann

dharma108

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Re: Haven't posted in a while
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2016, 10:34:12 PM »
Thanks y'all,  I appreciate the feedback, i figured a lot of people might not resonate with "religious" (I prefer the term "spiritual") perspective.   To me Buddhism isn't necessarily as much religion, but rather more of a science of the mind. It is not something to be believed or indoctrinated by but rather a living practice based on personal experience. 

I slipped up today.  Numez good points about the "positives".  I notice the positive tends to be so temporary then slips right into deeper suffering, shame and loss of energy/drain.  At times I see the whole thing happen with awareness and it is like, "I am making that choice again".    I appreciate your comment about the end game, working through the urge and seeing through the fact that there is no positive outcome.

Here's to another fress start. 


AoMSentMe

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Re: Haven't posted in a while
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2016, 10:50:15 PM »
Good luck with your new start! I agree with focusing on the positive, it's helped me greatly in giving up porn. When I get negative, I just want to turn to my addition that much more.

Most of the discussion here is fairly secular, looking at the science and why of porn addiction, which is very important. But for those of us who are religious, it's certainly an important part of our recovery. I'm a Christian, and it's very important to me, as I feel this is something God wants me to conquer, and that it has created a divide between me and him. I wish that had been enough, but I can tell you that learning the symptoms of porn addiction, how it affects the brain and dopamine, and all the other "secular" aspects of it has been incredibly helpful in giving me the push I need to quit. It sounds like your Buddhist believes will also help you to tear yourself away from your addiction which is wonderful. Combine that with this forum and the resources it links to and you can beat this!