Author Topic: Who knew...?  (Read 25887 times)

harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #100 on: March 18, 2016, 12:18:40 PM »
I had another appointment with my sexological bodyworker yesterday. I continue to be very enthusiastic about this work, and I felt more comfortable on this second visit.

Certainly, this is alternative therapy, and I am, most assuredly, a tad out of my comfort zone. It helps that I am no stranger to alternative medicine as my sister has been an acupuncturist for 30 years and has dragged me to some crazy stuff - Reiki, homeopathy, and hellerwork to name a few (I’m not even going to mention the psychic surgeon). Why am I embracing this work? I’m merely experimenting outside of the box. Plus, the bodyworker is a friend of mine from AA. To put it in perspective, I cannot forget that Western medicine’s only option was to give me pills which really didn’t work. Doctors don’t seem to understand this addiction, but my bodyworker actually received training regarding the ills of pornography.

Once again, this visit included a lot of talking about my problem and about my feelings and the RN forum. Since I was feeling more at ease, I shared more details about my experiences with and without ED.

I received another relaxing massage which eventually led to some indirect and direct contact with my dick. Initially, my member became quite excited and was at about 80% or so. Then, my mind started to worry. Well, this has happened before, hasn’t it? Early initial excitement followed by a dismal lack of interest. Sure as shit, it happened again this time, too. After a while, the bodyworker stopped to discuss it. He really made me talk about what I was feeling - I’m not manly, I’m not virile, I’m a loser, etc. Basically, he told me I had left the rest of my body and was only in my head once I’d lost my erection. How did I expect to feel any pleasure when I wasn’t even present for it? How indeed? The insecure feelings of fear of not being man enough are silly, irrational thoughts which need not be pursued. I can choose not to entertain them, just as I choose not to watch porn or drink alcohol.

When we started again, I focused on being present in my body, not in my mind, while breathing deeply. Relax, breathe deeply, let go. Relax, breathe deeply, let go. I liken it to a kind of meditative state, and though, it took a little time, my buddy, my pal achieved a knock-down-drag-out perfect erection which endured; not retreating after the first blush of excitement. Personally, it was an awesome accomplishment. I can get an erection by myself, but my fear, my performance anxiety issue, is it won’t work when I’m with another man.

What a boost to my confidence. The bodyworker told me that sure, I have some challenges, but I’m going to be just fine. Hearing that made me realize that on a certain level I had not been sure I would recover from this completely. In my mind, PA was always going to be lurking in some corner waiting to strike randomly.   

At my next appointment, he will incorporate some hypnosis into the therapy to help alleviate some blocking thoughts. I’ve done hypnosis numerous times in the past, and most recently with my psychologist a few months ago. I am quite comfortable with it.


harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #101 on: March 19, 2016, 11:14:23 AM »
Well, another weekend is upon me. I’m feeling quite positive about this one as I’ve packed a lot into the next couple of days in order to avoid isolating. For me, isolating has the pesky habit of occasionally leading to MO. 

I’m looking forward to a lunch date I set up with a guy for next Saturday. Usually, I just do coffee dates, but decided to go with the guy’s suggestion.

Cold Shower Update

Yesterday was the 6th week of cold showers. Brrr. I have given up all hope that the initial plunge, head first into the cold water, will ever be easy to do. In fact, it’s those first 10 seconds that are killer. I realize this ‘cold shock’ to my entire system is the key benefit to this exercise as it prompt all sorts of responses - increases in breathing, circulation, and heart rate. I found this great quote describing an added benefit which I hadn’t considered:

By constantly challenging ourselves with something, even if it’s as simple as taking a cold shower, we build our tolerance for discomfort. We develop a mental toughness that enables us to keep calm in times of stress, to adapt to the obstacles that life throws at us, and to fearlessly take on new challenges.

As I’ve said a number of times before, I will continue taking these stupid cold showers, against all my better judgment (who am I kidding? my better judgement sucks), because of the way I feel when I finally get to turn off that damn cold water - completely exhilarated!   


harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #102 on: March 21, 2016, 11:19:43 AM »
Made it through another weekend. In fact, it was a long weekend because I took off Thursday and Friday from work. Back to the grind today.

My upcoming date next Saturday has morphed into something pleasant. I was introduced to the guy by my sexological bodyworker who thought we might have some things in common. Well, I've had a couple of conversations with with the guy, and it turns out he has had a little experience with porn and its related issues (No, he’s not a member of our forum). It appears I’ve found another rewiring partner! I’m very excited and hopeful to have found a kindred spirit, as it were. We’ve set some ground rules and have aligned our expectations nicely. We’ve decided that Saturday’s encounter will be non-orgasm goal oriented, thereby alleviating any performance pressures. 

Life is funny. The minute I stopped obsessing about finding a rewiring partner, one lands on my doorstep. Were I a religious man, I might think God has some kind of plan for me. I’m happy to write I’ve been given the green light by my recovery team. 


thewhitewindow

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #103 on: March 21, 2016, 11:39:48 AM »
Harry, I'm so happy for you!  Sounds like a great opportunity that you'll take in stride, and it's nice to read you're making healthy decisions about it before hand.  Setting boundaries I feel is important.

It is very strange how the moment we stop trying hard to make it happen/over trying - that's when it the universe gives us what we need.  This happened to me regarding my current job.  I stopped trying and a wonderful opportunity opened up.

I do think that when you're not using and stay on a good path, things happen.  I'm not religious at all, but I do feel the universe gives you want you need. 


lyon03

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #104 on: March 22, 2016, 12:33:04 AM »
Well done Harry. You're certainly taking a very methodical approach to your reboot. And belated congratulations on breaking 100+ days my friend. I look forward to reading about your date Saturday.

harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #105 on: March 22, 2016, 05:32:48 PM »
I came to this forum believing that PMO was my issue. As it turns out, porn has been really quite easy to quit. I think about it rarely, and only as something I used to do; I don’t miss it.

MO is my true addiction. Porn was just a vehicle I used in pursuit of my dopamine rush.

Initially, this was not apparent to me. During my first 30 days, I quit PMO, but I continued to MO with some occasional difficulty while making the transition away from porn. I learned about the hard mode (no PMO or MO) and decided to give it a shot. In reality, I thought I had simply substituted one addiction for another. I have a long history with addiction, and this type of behavior is pretty common for me.

I made it 62 without MO before I lapsed. Making those 2 months was not easy, and since then, I've relapsed again. My lapses were all MO. I never even considered watching porn. I continue to be plagued with strong desires to masturbate.

Why am I writing all this? I guess I want to point out that while I was very convinced my problem was porn, upon closer observation, it turns out it was not. This new knowledge has allowed me to concentrate and narrow the focus of my recovery.


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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #106 on: March 22, 2016, 10:07:50 PM »
Hi Harry,

First, thank you for your response to my last post. I am so glad that you were moved by it and hope it will somehow reach others and let them know that there is more to rebooting than elimination ED and PIED. At 100+ days I respect you for your accomplishments and find it insightful of you to realize that PMO is not the only thing we are battling. This addiction has many faces and to limit our focus to one or two aspects is limiting our success in the long term. I applaud your success to date and know that you will continue to learn, grow and achieve your long term goal. Thank you for sharing with us, your input is an inspiration to all of us.

We can do this!

harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #107 on: March 23, 2016, 04:39:24 PM »
After my recent MO lapses, which were roughly a week apart, I have observed some irritating patterns.

I’ve read about hormonal changes in men after ejaculation, but hadn’t really studied it. It turns out, dopamine levels plummet while prolactin levels rise, and androgen receptors also decrease, meaning our testosterone levels decrease. Oxytocin tends to decrease, unless one stays bonded with a mate.

The net effect of all these interactions are feelings of depression, anxiety, desires to act out on addictions, mood changes, aggression, arousal, stress, headaches, and etc. Wow, this really helps explain the funk I’ve experienced for many days after each of my MO lapses. These hormonal disturbances can last a week or two. Here’s the site for more info - http://therawman.se/orgasm-give-hangover/

This is just another nail in the coffin for masturbation.

Funny, since I’ve scored a rewiring partner for this Saturday, it has been pretty easy to ignore the MO urges which have plagued me recently. 


harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #108 on: March 24, 2016, 03:49:05 PM »
I am happy to report that the negative side effects of MO (namely, the hormonal imbalance associated with ejaculation) have subsided. I feel a lot less anxious, less stressed, and less moody.

I will continue with my commitment to cease MO altogether. I will be paying close attention to how I feel in the days after my next ejaculation with a rewiring partner.


harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #109 on: March 26, 2016, 09:08:57 AM »
I  had another great session with my sexological bodyworker on Thursday. 

We did some hypnosis, which is not generally part of sexological bodywork, but my friend is a licensed hypnotherapist. I have been hypnotized many times over the years, so I am very comfortable with the process. In reality, I was simply in a state of complete relaxation. No, the hypnotist cannot make you doing anything you wouldn’t do normally. They do offer suggestions and help buttress your own internal desires for change or improvement. At a certain point in the hypnosis, he did have me (solo) interact with my dick. At first, this was awkward, like I had to put on some kind of performance for an audience of one, but since my eyes were closed, I just decided WTF. I was able to get and stay aroused and erect for the duration of the hypnosis.

As I’ve said before, this is alternative therapy. I’m doing this because I’m curious about it, and because Western medicine’s only suggestion for me was to take dick pills, which didn’t work for me. This was my third visit, and I am healing as a result. Once again, this work is not prostitution - the bodyworker remains fully clothed the entire time. I have a gay male bodyworker, but there are straight female and male sexological bodyworkers, too.

Later this morning, I will be meeting with a new rewiring partner, who has also had some porn related issues, for some non-orgasm goal oriented sex.


thewhitewindow

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #110 on: March 26, 2016, 11:08:11 AM »
Hey Harry, wow.  This is interesting. I've been reading a lot about Alternative Therapy in general and have been curious about it for other things. 

May I ask are you seeing the the bodyworker strictly for ED?  Also, do you O when you see him? 

I have to thank you for that article you sent me.  It makes so much sense as to why I struggle for three days after an O. 

Keep going my friend. 

harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #111 on: March 27, 2016, 01:28:27 PM »
All went well with my new rewiring partner yesterday, and I will be seeing him again. I’m happy to have found a man with whom I can practice rewiring as it seems to be the next logical step in my recovery. It was a safe, non-performance anxiety environment, and my dick performed admirably well.

It wasn’t perfect, but at 54 years old, I’m not sure what perfect is anymore. I mean, I don’t think it’s realistic to expect to have an erection during the entire encounter. My dick responded well when there was contact, but otherwise, it was just kind of chubby or partially excited. This was only the second sexual experience I’ve had since joining RN a few months ago, and I consider both encounters a success.

On the other hand, part of me is just not sure what to think, and my stupid ego keeps telling me my dick should be responding as though I were 30 or 40 years old. I do know I am doing significantly better than I was prior to the reboot, and for this, I am quite relieved. Also, I do know the work I’ve done with my sexological bodyworkers has helped me become more relaxed and more focused on enjoying the experience in my whole body as opposed to worrying about what my dick is or isn’t doing.

My reasoning mind knows I shouldn't draw any overarching conclusions from these first two encounters and that I should be happy with the results. So, I am. I look forward to more practice sessions. Practice makes perfects, right? I'll gladly settle for something close.


harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #112 on: March 30, 2016, 12:59:10 PM »
I am happy to report I will be seeing my rewiring partner again on Friday night.

While I’ve been tempted to MO this week, the knowledge that I’ll be with a human at week’s end makes it easy to resist.

Besides, after my recent MO lapses, I have made a firm decision to avoid MO (again!). I don’t want to struggle with the negative side effects - namely, the hormonal imbalance associated with too much ejaculation. You see, I cannot limit my MO to just once or twice. Here’s a link to an article that describes what happens with too much ejaculation -  http://therawman.se/orgasm-give-hangover/


Robert2.0

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #113 on: March 31, 2016, 12:47:05 AM »
Harry,
I have great respect for your attitude toward recovery and your willingness to share your experiences so we all may benefit. On November 30th 2035 I want to met and shake your hand for reaching your goal of 7300 days PMO free. I will be 85 and you may have to remind me who you are, but still, for now I am looking forward to it.

We can do this!

hans32

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #114 on: March 31, 2016, 02:17:46 AM »
Deceleration what a concept!

harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #115 on: April 02, 2016, 03:07:26 PM »
I had another enjoyable time with my new rewiring partner. Some action last night and this morning, and I will be seeing him again in a couple of weeks. He and I face similar ED issues, and it is great to have a partner with whom I feel comfortable, somewhat confident, and safe. I have to remind myself that I am very fortunate to have this.

My equipment worked OK, but I am quickly realizing that this is going to take some time and patience. It took me years to get to this stupid fkin place in my life (this does sound harsh, judgmental, and bitter, doesn’t it?), and it is going to require some real recovery time to get through it. Hell, when I got sober, it took a couple of years before I even felt like continuing to live. I don’t expect this will take nearly that long. I must ground my expectations in reality, and let nature take its course.

Living life on life’s terms fits here aptly. I cannot change what I’ve done to myself, but I am not powerless, nor am I hopeless or helpless. I can change, and I can recover from this addiction. I will get through this by accepting it, and dealing with it.

Today, I have gratitude for the big accomplishments I’ve made in these last few months. With the help of this forum and my recovery team, I have much more insight into my addiction, and I have hope for a better future as long as I stay on my new path.


harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #116 on: April 04, 2016, 08:19:13 PM »
I just passed a nice milestone of 120 days without porn. As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t miss it, and I hardly ever think about it. Now, if only the same were true for masturbation, I would be home free.

I’ve learned a whole lot in these last few months. Namely, my real addiction is MO, and this is going to take time and patience to resolve. When I first arrived, I thought it would take a month or two, and I’d be back to normal - whatever the hell that is. This has been anything but a linear process.

Who knew I’d still be counting days in April? Well, it is what it is. I do have hope today, and I have seen and experienced real recovery. I will keep plugging away...NO MO!

Another milestone - 2 months of cold showers! I have a love/hate relationship with my shower nowadays. I cringe at the initial plunge, but revel in the experience once I’m done. I will continue because I feel that if I can do this each morning, I can do anything. A big shout out to unchained for beating the drums about the benefits of cold showers, and another big shout out to now-man for picking up the mantle to push them with all his fervor.     


Phase2

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #117 on: April 05, 2016, 08:11:23 AM »
Congrats on 120. That's great!  :D



now-man

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #118 on: April 05, 2016, 10:12:06 AM »
Wow Harry, 120 days - that's amazing! Look at you go  :)

My cold shower this morning was more than usually daunting: I had to get up at 3 am my time on less sleep than I prefer, and I was in Calgary where the water is COOOLD!!  :o

I almost wimped out. But I thought of you and cranked that faucet the other direction and plunged in. Yahooo! ;D

bob

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #119 on: April 06, 2016, 09:46:37 PM »
Great milestone Harry, Know what you are talking about with the MO. I have been 7 (I think) days and need more behind me to get past this thing.

Keep up the good work.

thewhitewindow

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #120 on: April 06, 2016, 10:53:03 PM »
Congratulations Harry, you should be very proud.

harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #121 on: April 09, 2016, 12:08:29 PM »
Thanks for the comments, guys!

So, I had sex the last two weekends, and I’m rather disappointed that I’m not going to be with my rewiring partner this weekend. Could two weekends have spoiled me that quickly? Or, is it really that I feel oh so fkin entitled at this point in my recovery that I expect sex on demand? Or, is it the hunt, the expectation of sex, that really gets me going, and gets my goat when it isn’t available? Perhaps, it’s an amalgam of all of them. I’m irritated again. Got a case of the fuck its again. 

I was hell bent on MOing yesterday. I had to resort to some trickery by telling myself I would do it after my Friday night meeting. After the meeting, I told myself that we would MO for sure first thing on Saturday morning. I did play with myself for a few (awesome) moments this morning, but stopped well short of anything dangerous.

Deep breathing and a little meditation have helped me see clearly. I don’t really want to MO because once I start, I’ll do it 3 or 4 more times today, and who the hell knows how many times tomorrow. I will not suffer through the crummy post mass ejaculation hangover again where my hormones are out of whack for the next 4 or 5 days. I don’t want that anxiety.

At times like this, when I’m feeling and acting like a petulant child, I need to turn to gratitude - how lucky am I to have been able to have had successful sex these last two weekends? The future's looking bright because I am on the right track in my recovery. I’m doing the right thing, and I must stay true to my goal of no MO ever. I abused the privilege just like I did with drugs and alcohol. There is no going back to it. It is not an option. Did I really just type that? Yes, I did, and there was no gun pointed at my head. I’m an addict who is completely incapable of anything remotely resembling moderation. NO MO EVER. Eek - please send help now! This is truly living life on life’s terms. Reality blows sometimes.



bob

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #122 on: April 09, 2016, 12:20:51 PM »
Harry, you are doing amazingly well on this process. My hat goes off to you.

I’m an addict who is completely incapable of anything remotely resembling moderation. NO MO EVER. Eek - please send help now! This is truly living life on life’s terms. Reality blows sometimes.

I am at this point as well. It is so DAMN hard to realize what is going on, the required response, and the intended outcomes. Well; maybe its not hard to realize, just hard to accomplish.

I too wanted to MO so bad yesterday. I am, however, only sitting on 10 days. Your at 24!

Keep it up.

harry

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #123 on: April 16, 2016, 12:31:00 PM »
Last Thursday, I had my 4th appointment with my sexological bodyworker. Sexological bodywork is an alternative medical approach for treating issues like PIED, ED, and PE. The sexological bodyworker is a friend of mine who is accuring treatment hours in order to attain his certification from the State of California. I've tried Western medicine's remedy of pills, but they never worked well for me.

This work has been quite interesting. While I’ve made some great progress in my recovery - I’ve had 3 sexual encounters in the last month with 2 rewiring partners with adequate performances by my dick each time - I still have this nagging issue with performance anxiety, and the sexological work I’m doing is offering me a number of solutions. Remembering to breathe relatively deeply from the diaphragm, and remembering to get out of my head and into my body in order to feel the pleasure that is occurring are two of the biggies for me. The second I start worrying about my dick, is the moment at which I disengage from the entire experience. The preoccupation with having an erection leads directly to stupid fears ranging from my self worth to my manhood. How the hell do I expect to have an erection when I am not even present for the event? Some of this stuff is just so simple, it eludes me as I have a tendency to overcomplicate things.

In my recovery process (almost 7 years clean and sober), I’ve found it very helpful to practice these new, appropriate behaviors over and over again until they become a habit. Forming new habits can take some time (18 - 245 days per the excellent post by Leon on 4/10/2016), but once they become a habit, I no longer have to remember to do them; they become automatic. Repeating these behaviors strengthens my prefrontal cortex and helps cure hypofrontality.

At the suggestion of my bodyworker, tonight, I will be going to a workshop for men who seek deeper levels of conscious erotic intimacy. This is so far out of my comfort zone that I said no initially, but upon reflection, I decided WTF do I have to lose? Sink or swim. Besides, it’s only two hours; it’s not going to kill me. From my years in AA, I’ve learned that taking contrary action plays a keen role in early recovery. I’m rather nervous about this event tonight, but hell, I get to practice the things I’ve been learning, and I may even find a new rewiring partner. As a single man, it's tough finding new partners without using Psubs like Scruff.

Leon's post also included an interesting benefit to meditation - a bump in dopamine levels, and as a result, I’ve started meditating finally. I’ve tried it over the years, but have never really given it a chance. A friend of mine told me about an app called ‘Insight Timer’ which has guided meditations. Well, I’ve been doing it daily since Monday, and it has been quite a helpful way to start my day. I’ve listened to a number of 10 - 15 minute introduction meditations and recommend it highly. Oddly, my prior contempt for meditation seems to have disappeared.

On the cold shower front, I just past 75 days yesterday. Every damn morning, I cringe for the first 5 or 10 seconds as the cold water flows over me. Brrr. I wonder why I continue to do it, but I know it is a huge accomplishment for me. It puts me in this mindset - if I can do this, I can do anything.  At 75 days, it is nowhere near to becoming a habit, yet.


Phase2

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Re: Who knew...?
« Reply #124 on: April 16, 2016, 02:43:45 PM »
Looking forward to your report from tonight. Let all the doubt and fear about tonight go and just have fun. You are rewiring. There are no rules. Just enjoy the experience and be open to what happens. You are not going to be attracted to everyone--you know that going in so don't stress. Rewiring is about touch, closeness, scent, experience--just reacclimating yourself to humans again vs pixels so just go with that. Enjoy. Wish I had the opportunity too!