Author Topic: 5 days in.  (Read 889 times)

boltthrower82

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5 days in.
« on: January 02, 2016, 07:16:52 PM »
I told myself I wasn't going to even bother posting anything here until I was five days in.

33 years old. Discovered MO at about 12, though I could have been 11. Finding P a year or two later for the first time, dad's stash. Internet became available in the home at age 15... perfect timing. Dial-up, began with photos. Then short clips. By the time I had access to high speed I was about 20 or 21, and downhill from there.

I've been in two long term relationships since then, and, I realize now, both were destroyed by PMO addiction. You couldn't have made me see that at the time, but slowly I've realized that was the root of the problem, and likely many others.

I quit five days ago and it hasn't been that terrible yet. I already work out so I have that going (actually, yesterday I seemed to have some sort of extra reserve of strength going on, not sure if that has to do with abstaining). Have signed up for Headspace and have been doing meditation through that. My social anxiety problems haven't really been tested yet, we'll see when I go back to work on Monday.

Have not had an erection in the past five days, though I suppose that is to be expected. I'm finding it hard to go to sleep, may have to do with dopamine being off from usual levels, not really sure.

I think my whole life has been extremely fucked over by internet P, honestly. I'm trying to focus my energies into more productive things that are important to me, clear out selfishness and ego-driven nonsense, etc. The more I think about the more pissed I am that this thing really took over and shaped my life that much, it's fucking ridiculous. Kids should be taught about it, but I'm sure that won't be happening.

Anyway, I don't have all that much of interest right now. I'll talk about things as they occur. Dealing with the stress of work and not having that sort of automatic coping mechanism anymore will be interesting.

harpoon

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Re: 5 days in.
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2016, 10:55:22 AM »
Alright Boltthrower 82,

Congrats on five-days clean, believe me it's tough to get that first week on the board. Keep going, and don't let your guard down.


AoMSentMe

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Re: 5 days in.
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2016, 04:11:48 PM »
Welcome and congrats on 5 days! I too have have seen how my porn addiction has destroyed at least one long-term relationship, not to mention other parts of my life. It's unfortunate but I know if I succeed that a future LTR will be all the more fulfilling without this in my life. Good luck in beating this addiction!

leftfootforward

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Re: 5 days in.
« Reply #3 on: January 04, 2016, 01:59:10 PM »
I'm 34 and this is so similar to my experience. Same escalation, same couple of failed relationships. Mine also had an escalation to viewing content I now find troubling and I'm seeing a therapist about that. Not sure if I can get through it.

You're right about teaching it though. I work with a lot of teenage lads and I've suddenly become aware that many of them are probably in the secret grip of an addiction. And with today's high speed internet, I worry where their fascination might lead them and what that might mean for their mental health when they inevitably face up to it one day.