Author Topic: It's been 11 years  (Read 3681 times)

re1908

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It's been 11 years
« on: December 28, 2015, 07:16:14 PM »
Day 11

It has been 11 years since the first time I get in touch with porn. It is day 11 of my no PMO streak. This is my story

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I started to get in touch with porn in my junior high school. I somehow managed to get a book full of erotica stories. It makes my heart beating up and make me very curious. Then my curiosity led to another form of porn: hentai comic books, x-rated films, and a porn video. However at that time, high speed internet is very rare in my area and we need to have a CD to watch porn video, which is quite hard to get.

My situation worsen since I felt a lot of sexual innuendos even in daily normal things like newspaper with rape stories, normal movies with hot scenes, etc. It was hard to put away your mind from porn things. And then, I started to masturbate. The orgasm, it felt so nice so I wanted more and more.

Since that moment, I am a slave of porn.

When I go to college, it is in the city and I was from a remote village. Internet access is faster than ever and a lot more private space since I rented my own room and I am far away from my family. It made my addiction worse and worse.

Then I started to watch a ton of porn videos. I have my favorite genre, but it widen every time I watch. I need something new. New story, new porn star, new genre. I spent hours to get the right video worth of my orgasm.

I watch porn and masturbate often. In some days, it is even several times in a day. Man, sometime piss get achy after I fapped that much.

But the misery of me is, I am a religious man and this addiction makes me very very guilty. I feel ashamed of my self. I want to stop. But I just can't control my self. It sucks, really sucks.

I am not aware of other negative consequences of porn, until I find Your Brain on Porn book. I watched TED videos on 'The Great Porn Experiment', buy the book, and start to understand how it really works in science point of view. I feel the same negative consequences mentioned in the books like
- self hate, guilty
- depression
- porn over wife
- lose control
- many hours spent in meaningless thing = watch porn
- can't focus, like a zombie
- bad memory, easy to forget

The one that is mentioned less is primary ejaculation. I am quite sure it is because of porn, I learned my ability to satisfy myself very fast. Not sure whether it will be fixed by stop PMO, but It is a worth-to-try.

Now I've graduated and work. I married early, have a hope that love and natural sex can fix my addiction. But I have married for months and it has not stopped. I think the main problem is my commitment to stop.

In the near time, I will have a newborn. I decided this time to by my turning point. It is the time for me to make the commitment. Bring out the most of my will power to free from porn slavery.

No more excuses. It has to stop, NOW.

--

It has been 11 years since the first time I get in touch with porn. It is day 11 of my no PMO streak. This is my story

re1908

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2016, 09:52:28 AM »
Now it has been almost 1 year since last time I posted here.

I do survive for several weeks but after that, man, it is very hard to resist. First weeks is quite easy since I have a momentum, big events in my life. But after all that passed, I relapsed.

It takes me months to set my mind straight and commit to try to REBOOT again.

IT IS NOT EASY TO STOP. You have to stay focus, stay on target, always fight.

Never put off your guard. Just never. Lesson Learned.

re1908

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2016, 02:10:16 AM »
Yesterday I was alone in a room, with a computer on. I turn on my computer to learn something online.

And during that time, porn-related memories come.

Luckily, I could resist, I opened "Emergency" button in NoFap reddit page.

It says = "It is supposed to be hard." Simple fact that help me to realize that it IS hard, and I HAVE to put my effort to resist

re1908

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2016, 10:46:47 AM »
Day 3

Craving on watching porn is coming when I am working overtime alone in my room.

For know I still could resist not to open any porn or its subtitute!!!

re1908

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2016, 11:08:33 AM »
Day 4

I am alone in my office, everyone has left, I opened facebook, and see an article with beautiful girl picture.

I think I've falled into some kind of porn subtitute, opening article with cute girls and hoping she wear sexy wardrobe, something that I could "see".

I should have not done that, I should have resist.

This could not happen again, I will not give up!

ojuelegba

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2016, 01:24:43 PM »
Brother you are no slave to porn. It is how our brains are hard wired. not hardwired to porn but, hardwired to the most stimulating things. In this case porn. You need to forget about the guilt of being religious and just understand this consequence is a result to our science not our moral ability. This is easy. Think of it as a workout for the mind. I am going to recommend one thing. It is called meditation. A good place to start is headspace. I have been meditating for 8 hours so far and I have realized I am not addicted to porn I have a brain that likes highly stimulating things. Which is normal because that is what makes our lives exciting. Some practical tips are read books. Spend time away from the computer. Workout. And sleep early.Oh and one last benefit from meditating is that self shame and guilt virtually disappeared.
OJUELEGBA

re1908

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2016, 03:53:43 AM »
Thank you brother, it is very comforting. Will definitely try out your suggestion to meditate. 8 hours? That seems so long for me.

re1908

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2016, 03:56:15 AM »
Day 5

Just relapsed. :(
I am doing online course alone in a room, and it just happen. It is very hard since most of my time HAVE to be in front of computer, even to study.

I think for the next I'll have to do online course in more public place.

sci90

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2016, 06:25:05 AM »
It's great that you still go on, even if you relapse. We are all making small, sometimes invisible, steps day after day. But at the end
it will be worth the effort.
That's a good idea! I realized that, for me, porn-related memories don't come while working in public place. It only happens while
being alone at home or in my room. Try it the next time and tell us whether it's better or not :)
I also take notes after relapsing to find out why it happened. Then, the next time I try to eliminate the cues. I have a small exercise book
only for that reason.

re1908

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2016, 09:30:48 AM »
I also take notes after relapsing to find out why it happened. Then, the next time I try to eliminate the cues. I have a small exercise book
only for that reason.

Wow that is also a very good idea! I'll start keep track on it as well.

re1908

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2016, 09:32:30 AM »
Day 6

My brain triggered me to look for porn several times today. Luckily it is not strong enough to make me relapse again.

However I could not remember what was the cue of those triggers. Next time, I should aware of this.

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #11 on: August 18, 2016, 09:40:02 AM »
I always have my smart phone with me unlocked, so I could look at porn any time I wanted to but. I tried to block my phone and it never stopped me because I could always fantasize anyways.

re1908

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #12 on: August 22, 2016, 06:01:31 PM »
Yes, I started to think inhibit access to porn is just half (or maybe less) of the game, some changes of my mindset, a really fundamental one, need to be changed.

Just relapsed again yesterday. I think I have to be more dilligent on reading YBOP to change my mindset!

re1908

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #13 on: August 23, 2016, 06:20:41 PM »
Day 2 again
Last two days, I start to do 7minutes workout every morning
ref: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/05/09/the-scientific-7-minute-workout/?_r=0

I've never do sport before, it make my body aches.
in the positive side, I do not remember fantasize porn for the last 2 days somehow (not sure it is related or not).

re1908

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Re: It's been 11 years
« Reply #14 on: September 28, 2016, 06:11:45 PM »
It really is a continuous fight. It is not a one time effort, you promise to yourself, and read books, you get informed, and done.

It isn't.

It is a 24/7 fight. You have to always aware that urge might come anytime, and you got to have a very clear technique to overcome that f**king thing.

No, it is not a one time fight as I thought before. Keep relapsing and having no preparation to fight makes me lose a lot of battle.

I won't give up.