Author Topic: Momo's  (Read 10935 times)

Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Momo's
« on: December 15, 2015, 02:57:50 AM »
Hi forum. I had a million sentences about this in my head earlier but I'll probably forget a lot of the things I wanna say on this first post but hey, not the end of the world.

Started watching porn pretty much from the beginning, since I was a preteen probably. There've been some month-long or so periods here and there where I stopped, but the big picture is.. I never really stopped. I'm not really sure when I realized I was addicted.. even when I did realize I didn't really see it as a problem because I know the vast majority of guys look at porn.

I'm 21 years old and in college (last year of college). I have no sexual history, never had sex with a woman or really done anything at all with a woman. Feels bad. Feels extremely lonely and I also feel like a loser and a failure when I think about it. I think until this year I was sort of lying to myself, telling myself that yes I do want sex and a girlfriend would be nice, but it's not terribly important to me. I don't know what happened but sometime this summer it just dawned on me how lonely I am and how much I want sex and intimacy with a woman. It feels really horrible especially because of the time period my life I am in (college), and also the time period I will very soon be leaving. It passed by and the only thing sexual I did was watch porn. My future's still pretty uncertain and that will only bring more problems and distractions, this was the perfect time to explore sex and I missed it. I know mentally and emotionally what I really want... it's just that my body doesn't agree and I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about...

Rewind 3 years ago to my first year in college because I suck at flowing my thoughts properly... anyway... this is when I realized I probably had PIED. I went to see some doctors and they didn't find anything physical and I'm otherwise pretty healthy.

So what happened over the 3 years now that I knew that I had a problem, did I stop? Nope. I can't really tell you why, I can only speculate... first, I sort of "forgot," or convinced myself that it wasn't real and it was just my anxiety and depression (I have a lot of both). On top of that I wasn't making an effort to meet girls anyway so it's not like it was directly affecting me. So I continued to watch porn regularly. Every once in a while I would "remember" but then something would happen, like I would open up to a friend about it and they would convince me that it's not real, or I would re-convince myself that it's not real. Despite this I would still occasionally (or even frequently) say that I want to quit porn but I never did.

This year: I reminded myself (again) that I really do have a problem. Incredibly resilient porn addiction that I have tried to beat time and time again and failed time and time again. I don't know how many times I've tried and failed, it seems like hundreds. I put a lot of my focus on thinking about it and how I want to stop this year because I want to be able to be.. well.. hard. PIED has destroyed my confidence, I have no motivation to even try to talk to any girls because I know that if things progress into sex then I probably won't be able to have it. It's not just the obvious symptom.. like everyone else with this problem I want back all of the things porn took from me. My freedom.. confidence.. to not feel guilty anymore and instead to like myself.. to think of sex as how it's supposed to be thought of and not how a decade of porn has conditioned my brain to view it.

I had no idea about this site or that so many people had the same problem as me and there are actual terms for it like "rebooting..." all news to me until a few days ago. I'm hoping that maybe support from here and maybe just knowing that I'm not alone will help me in this because I know it is probably going to suck.. I am dreading the reality that this will not happen overnight because I feel so inexperienced, empty, failureish, etc that I wish it could be fast and simple but I know it's not. I feel like I'm going to be alone forever and before I know it it's going to be "too late."

Tomorrow will be day 3 no PMO. I'm not really sure what quantitative goals to set... I obviously just want to stop P forever but obviously it's easier set than done. Maybe I'll just count the days and see where it goes. Or I guess 30 days no PMO as an initial goal. I think I can do it but I always tend to think I can do it and then fail so we'll see what happens. That's about it, wish me luck I guess.
« Last Edit: December 15, 2015, 03:36:55 AM by Momo »

Goose86

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 41
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #1 on: December 15, 2015, 07:28:54 AM »
Hi man,

I only discovered this forum 3 weeks ago and it's been an eyeopener to me that so many people have similar stories.
Don't worry about being 21 and not having sexual history. You are still young and will have so many more opportunities in your life.

Know you're not the online one with PIED and keep remembering the good part: it can be healed by cutting off porn for good. Keep reading articles on this website and set goals for yourself. Don't beat yourself up if you relapse. The fact that you realize you have a problem and are willing to work on it is already so much better than a month ago.

You already have 2 days without pmo. That's good! Keep looking forward to who you want to be and keep in mind that porn is standing in your way.
Write a journal on this forum and give it your best!

Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #2 on: December 16, 2015, 03:41:33 AM »
Thank you for the kind reply.

Day 3... I had some thoughts of P today but no serious urges.

Pretty much flatlined, no sexual desire whatsoever

I feel horribly alienated because nobody in real life understands or would understand because nobody ever talks about this. I feel incredibly depressed about this situation, and other things going on aren't helping either. My anxiety's through the roof, I feel incredibly insecure, overall horrible. Often when I feel horrible I want to relapse but not always, sometimes I don't even want to do that. So I'm "safe" for now I'm just having a horrible time right now. I have a bad habit of irrelevant rambling in journal-type things so I'm sorry, and also sorry in advance for when I inevitably do it again. But I'll try to stay on topic the best I can.
« Last Edit: December 16, 2015, 03:51:29 AM by Momo »

Goose86

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 41
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #3 on: December 16, 2015, 04:11:27 AM »
Keep writing your journals, what you're writing isn't irrelevant at all. What your writing has so much in common with any kind of addiction and is what many of us are going through.
Hoping to see more positive ramblings in the nearby future :)

Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #4 on: December 17, 2015, 12:38:59 AM »
thank you again for the reassurance!

I felt like crap for most of today. I had several thoughts of porn but not really enough to make me want to relapse. The fact that I have approximately 0 libido right now is probably "helping." I feel dead, though. I wish I could feel alive and motivated. I feel like part of it is me psyching myself out too, like maybe some of the things I'm experiencing I'm only experiencing them because I read about them (i.e. placebo). I'm like the king of letting my thoughts affect me so I wouldn't be surprised. I thought I was "psyching myself out" when it came to my problem, too until I found info on it. I still have thoughts and doubts, like maybe if I was mentally stronger then I wouldn't have this problem or I would be able to get out of it because plenty of people watch porn and this doesn't happen to them, probably even most people. I don't know what to believe. Well that's all I feel like writing today, til next time..
« Last Edit: December 17, 2015, 02:09:43 AM by Momo »

Goose86

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 41
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #5 on: December 17, 2015, 05:58:29 PM »
Before I quit 3 weeks ago I watched porn at least on a daily basis and thought even 3 days without it would kill me. Don't doubt the fact that you want this and you made it though 5 days already. You are getting stronger!
And is 30 days still the goal? By the way, do you exercise or play an instrument for example? It would probably help you with feeling more alive and motivated.


Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #6 on: December 19, 2015, 09:45:24 PM »
Several times in the past week I've had dreams of porn, I think dreams of me watching porn and then I get really disappointed and mad because I think that I've relapsed, and then I wake up and realize it was just a dream. It's strange and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Anyone ever experienced this?

To respond to you I do try to work out 3 times a week (mostly stemming from body image issues but hey whatever works right lol..)

I also play piano and sax but I seldom feel motivated to play either of them on my own. Having "passion" for something is something that I just really haven't had for a very very long time. I usually just pass time with watching stuff or video games to be honest. But I definitely hear you that exercise can be a helper in making one feel more alive and motivated. I should probably make an effort to use my time somewhat more acceptable too.
 
Anyway, this past week was finals week so it's actually been really easy to not relapse... I attribute this partly to the fact that I really haven't had time. Now I am home on break and in general I'll have a big increase in free time so I should probably be on guard...

Another thing that's helping me is having the counter because .. well if I relapse then that shiny progress bar is back to zero. Goals help.

And the fact that I feel like I have really nothing to lose from not watching porn even if I'm not really convinced that cutting it out will change me... whereas if I keep watching porn I will just stay the same for sure.

1 week without PMO woo (I'm actually quite surprised that I don't even feel a strong urge to M... guess it's the flatline whatever that means. It just feels a bit strange because I'm so used to feeling to "need" to M like once every 4 days or something but it hasn't even hit me or anything).

CrazyGopher

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 185
    • View Profile
    • Read the Reboot Nation FAQs
Re: Momo's
« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2015, 03:29:01 PM »
Hi Momo, congrats on making a week man ;D

Several times in the past week I've had dreams of porn, I think dreams of me watching porn and then I get really disappointed and mad because I think that I've relapsed, and then I wake up and realize it was just a dream. It's strange and I'm not sure how I feel about it. Anyone ever experienced this?

Oh, yes... many times. Had one about a week ago, actually.

I found the dreams themselves aren't bad, actually sometimes they are interesting. But also a bit risky, because they can remind you about P and cause cravings to come during the day. :-\

Blu88

  • Member

  • Offline
  • ***

  • 153
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2015, 05:58:16 PM »
Hi Momo,

reading your story I found so many common points with mine!
I would like to reply and clarify all your doubts, but there is so much to tell you!

First of all, don't feel frustrated by beign vergin at 21! Feel lucky that you found out about this addiction now, rather than at the age of 24, like it happened to me. You have plenty of time to reboot and feel good!

Secondly, don't have any doubt about how pmo is harmful. You can find a lot of informations about how it affects our brains and all the report in the many forums about it should confirm what researchers are beginning to claim about this topic.
You say that not everybody who watch porn have the issues you apre experiencing? Well, you don't know how they feel and how much they pmo. But more importantly, take any other drug/addiction: gambling, weed, alcohol and even cocaine... not everybody become addicted to one of them. Even most of my friends watch porn and don't seem to be addicted, nor they undderstand when I try to introduce the topic... Probably I have the attitude of getting addicted to pmo and they don't! And unluckly I can't deny I am addicted...

Let me know how your reboot is going.
Good luck

Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #9 on: December 22, 2015, 09:34:25 PM »
Still held on so far.

Working out often makes me feel horny after which can be kind of dangerous. I felt the strongest urges so far today.

I'm still struggling to feel good in general... trying to keep my head up as best I can though... it's hard cause I'm home for a month and I often don't know what to do or what I really want to do (whether I'm home or just have free time for whatever reason it is always a struggle). My mind is always trying to think about too many things at once for me to focus on anything or answer simple questions like what do I want to do this week, or day, etc. Meditation would help but it's hard to get back into it when you already feel this way. Or hard to believe that you will benefit from it when you are already foggy.

What am I grateful for today?

loving parents
loving dog
it rained today and it was somewhat pleasant to walk in it
that I at least have the motivation to work out unlike a few years ago
My sister who I never get to see is coming tomorrow
My bed's pretty comfy and I'm looking forward to sleeping tonight cause I'm pretty tired right now, lol
That I have managed to hold on for 10 days, the most time in a while.

I am hoping making this list becomes to feel more natural than it does now.
« Last Edit: December 22, 2015, 09:46:42 PM by Momo »

Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #10 on: December 23, 2015, 01:01:46 PM »
Hi everyone, this is day 12 for me.

This morning/afternoon I've had so many sexual thoughts. This doesn't come as too much of a surprise because it's been 11/12 days since I've Od. A lot of these thoughts are porn-related or porn inspired so they feel really sinister. I was really close to just Ming to O but I figured I'd make this post in case someone wants to weigh in cause I don't want to screw this up and there's no way this can't be a common dilema while rebooting right... anyway I'm really not liking myself listening to these thoughts...

I have 2 options... I could either keep going and just try and block these thoughts out as best I can. Or I could just M to O (without P of course) and they would go away at least for a while... The argument for the latter is that maybe not doing anything about these thoughts would be counter-productive, as I'm trying to get AWAY from all forms of P... the argument for the former is that I don't wanna do anything wrong that might set myself back like accidentally fantasize about P while I'm Ming even if I'm not looking at it cause that would probably be bad too.. does anyone know what the best thing to do is? Or maybe it's just for me to decide... or maybe I am just thinking about this way too much and need to take a chill pill regardless, lol.

(although strangely enough after writing this post I don't really feel like Ming right now anyway... i hypothesize that this is because I am experiencing some guilt now! :(..)

(edit) well I think I'm gonna try and abstain from M some more for now cause I think I've got it in me for the time being.
« Last Edit: December 23, 2015, 01:29:17 PM by Momo »

Goose86

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 41
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #11 on: December 23, 2015, 03:39:32 PM »
Try to not M for as long as possible, it's a step closer back to P.
Cold showers, excersie or anything else to take your mind off sex would help.

If you can't hold it anymore just make it quick, don't think about porn and get it over with, but I'd recommend the 1st.

Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #12 on: December 23, 2015, 09:56:24 PM »
alright, gotcha, thanks for the reply.

Did I use porn today?

No but I was on social media and I accidentally saw a gif of it for a second...

What were my triggers?

was listening to music with my laptop and I needed to go to the bathroom but didn't want to stop listening to music so I brought my laptop with me to the bathroom and that reminded me of the times I went to random bathrooms just so I could watch P...

How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?

I cleaned my room. My shelves were unbelievably dusty and had so much useless stuff on them and my mood felt amazingly improved after realizing the difference.

What am I grateful for today?

the relatively peaceful day I had
the heavy rain outside my window (again lol cause it won't stop raining)
the power of a clean(er) room and the peace of mind it can bring
the existence of star wars!
« Last Edit: December 23, 2015, 10:10:28 PM by Momo »

Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #13 on: December 24, 2015, 11:54:05 PM »
Hello, not a whole lot of developments to report today... I had no strong urges to M or look at P. I guess today was another "flatline" day. Typically I haven't been getting any strong MW, which has been typical but I hope that can change.

This morning I meditated cause I'm trying to do that as many days as possible... The first half of today wasn't too bad, had a decent workout at the gym... didn't feel too anxious about anything... then at night we had an extended family/friend gathering. I got basically forced into introducing myself in front of 2 girls and I was not confident at all, extremely nervous the whole time when talking to them (and i didn't have much to say either) so I can't really say my confidence is better in the slightest (that's not only cause of shame from P of course it's also because of plenty of  other things like having very little in terms of career aspirations or interesting things about myself etc..).. but I guess with the help of mindfulness (maybe?) (don't really think it's related to stopping P I think it's just things I've learned recently) I tend to worry slightly less about social things... but less worrying does not equal confidence.... I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't feel too great tonight.

hope you are all having a wonderful night though, happy holidays!

Goose86

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 41
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #14 on: December 26, 2015, 04:37:09 PM »
Congrats on making 2 weeks man. 2016 will be your year!

Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #15 on: December 27, 2015, 01:28:04 AM »
thanks goose!

it seems to be becoming more and more difficult.. mornings where I wake up horny are more frequent. intrusive thoughts that often feel kind of creepy are also becoming more frequent. I appreciate the decent MW I had today though.

i was thinking about pmo while trying to sleep last night but just sort of waited it out and eventually didnt wanna anymore.....

I am upset and depressed tonight because while I thought I was making progress in the social anxiety department I think it may have just been my imagination or the fact that I've hardly had to deal with new people... I'm just so terrible at connecting with people and it makes me depressed.

sorry to be such a downer, i hope that can change eventually......
« Last Edit: December 27, 2015, 01:29:56 AM by Momo »

Goose86

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 41
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #16 on: December 27, 2015, 05:35:42 AM »
You seem way too hard on yourself. How about connecting with guys? You could start by getting to make new friends with shared interests (like music, or maybe even video games)

mtaha2015

  • Guest
Re: Momo's
« Reply #17 on: December 27, 2015, 10:38:45 AM »
I understand Goose.
I am also very anti social and I am also terrible in making friends and meeting with new people.

I mean, its not something to worry about a lot. every one is different.
so don't let yourself feel down.

spend more time on social media and forums.
at least you can connect with new people on cyber world.

Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #18 on: December 27, 2015, 12:50:31 PM »
@goose, you are right, from basically all the people I have opened up to they have said the same thing... I don't know what it is about me, I just really struggle with being way too critical of myself :/. Also, I was actually sad last night because I felt like I wasn't getting along with my sister's bf who I've just met very recently, it wasn't about the girls a few days ago. I am definitely keeping in mind that I should not take for granted any times where I am able to connect well with a guy, or just anyone on a regular friendship level.

@mtaha, thank you for the support and reply. However I've actually decided that I am going to make an effort to go the other way and try to lessen my social media use, as it often just makes me feel worse (not to mention that they are literally P-sub minefields... not to get into the mentality that seeing any sort of minor P-sub accidentally once in a while is a huge deal or anything cause it shouldn't be, but still, the less the better). In my opinion connecting with people in real life and connecting with people on the internet are sort of apples and oranges, to be honest I'm not all that interested in spending time to making online friends cause I personally just don't see it as worth it for me.

Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #19 on: December 27, 2015, 08:10:50 PM »
Well I MO'd.............

I tried to make it quick and didn't really think about much other than what I was doing... problem was the trigger was sort of a P-sub (girl on social media) which is probably bad...

Guess I will see how I feel these next few days...

I updated my counters/goals too... right now I think 90 days no PMO is very much attainable for me... during these past 15 days I have had thoughts of it but I haven't really gotten dangerously close to PMOing or anything... as for the MO one I kind of have no idea if I will be able to not MO for 90 days because by day 10 or 11 I was constantly thinking about how I needed release... but who knows maybe I can learn to be more disciplined...
« Last Edit: December 28, 2015, 01:35:28 AM by Momo »

Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #20 on: December 28, 2015, 11:24:25 PM »
This is really really rough. I could not stop thinking about a particular porn star so I peeked at a google image search of her for around 30 seconds... Saw some gifs there too and I could just feel a huge rush just looking at those couple of gifs which is probably really bad for progress... for some reason I just felt like I really really needed to see her and my mind would not shut up about it until I did...

I'm pretty disappointed.... my counter is for PMO/MO so there's nothing there to reset except for the mental note in my mind that I saw gifs that I don't want to be seeing... but it's still disappointing... I even have a headache after that (maybe I did before though kinda but it's worse now...)

This is really rough  :( I know what I have to do and ultimately it's only me who can stop it... but despite this i would appreciate any sort of support (or advice even though I'm sure I've heard most of the usual advice) cause I could use it right now :/

I hate this addiction, and I am scared that that 1 peek will turn into another longer peek and then into a full on PMO relapse because I have read about that and I can absolutely see it happening to me...

Also this is an edit at 1:30 am like an hour after the last edit and it's quickly gotten to the point where full on relapse is really near. My thinking right is that it is inevidible, the thoughts of P are so, so strong and I feel like they will not go away until I relapse... even if I hold on for tonight they will still be there tomorrow... I want to see P (well, one particular P video) so, so bad and right now I cant imagine my desire to see this particular video going away unless I see it... I have read countless times that "once you peek its already over" and I think I will learn that the hard way soon as I think that there is a decent chance of relapse because I cannot stop thinking about it...

Will update as needed but for now I will (try to) go back to sleep...
« Last Edit: December 29, 2015, 02:14:21 AM by Momo »

Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #21 on: December 29, 2015, 07:06:37 PM »
Well I made it through the night without PMOing... was a really rough night.... was thinking about it for like 2-3 hours straight .. something that helped was this personal panic button someone posted on reddit...

Anyway I still really want to relapse because my emotional state is absolutely terrible right now, I have like nothing to look forward to, no new years plans, I feel dead and depressed, I need space because I'm an introvert but right now I feel like I am not being given any, I feel completely exhausted and like I can't do anything. I realize that's not a good reason to relapse I'm just reporting where I'm at right now I don't think I've felt this bad in a while. I don't think it's due to the peeking though I think it's mostly other stuff. I was going to make a relatively long progressive sounding post in response to another post I read last night that suggested some things but I feel like shit now so that will probably be for another day I guess.
« Last Edit: December 29, 2015, 07:08:38 PM by Momo »

maddscottm

  • Guest
Re: Momo's
« Reply #22 on: December 29, 2015, 07:17:20 PM »
Hi Momo
I am new here and just catching up on some posts.  I saw yours and wanted to say I admire you for the fight you're in.  I can tell how hard this is for you, but even more, how much fight you have in you to win.  You will win this man, I believe that you can and will.  It will be bumpy, but you aren't giving yourself any option other than winning.

Maybe it will help to think about this:  You want intimacy with a woman.  Porn will make that almost impossible.  So as you fight the battle against porn, you make room in your brain and your heart for real intimacy, so that when she comes along (and she will!), she will find a guy who can be intimate and genuine with her, not a secret porn addict thinking about some online bitch the whole time you're with her.

I'm in this way u man!


Momo

  • Member

  • Offline
  • **

  • 55
    • View Profile
Re: Momo's
« Reply #23 on: December 30, 2015, 07:48:42 PM »
hey maddscottm, thank you so much for the support, I appreciate it.

I think that I have gotten off track in a bad way. I have been using tinder a lot and fantasizing about a couple of my matches. I don't know how long the fantasizing has been going on, probably around since my last MO. I've been having an extremely tough time distracting myself from them. I feel quite a bit like my old guilty, dead self again. I haven't PMO'd but I've done things to seriously hurt my progress like the tinder stuff. I attribute some of my actions to my no-experience-anxiety that I have an awfully hard time ignoring. I took P away, and I started to think about real girls more. Which is what I wanted. But it feels like my desire is still just lust-driven even though deep down I know I want more.

I wrote another paragraph but it made me feel really awful so I decided to edit it out! I want to distract myself from all of this, I feel like I am obsessing over it too much which is also hurting my progress. And also making my head hurt.

My desire to watch P is currently not strong at all. My tendency to fantasize, though, is getting a bit out of control to be honest and I need to find a way to cool it.
« Last Edit: December 30, 2015, 08:06:55 PM by Momo »

maddscottm

  • Guest
Re: Momo's
« Reply #24 on: December 30, 2015, 09:52:41 PM »
hey Momo
hang in there buddy.  don't beat yourself up so much.
That said, I really wanna challenge u on the tinder thing.  if it becomes a substitute for porn, and it sounds like thats happened, it's gotta go.
at some level it seems better to fantasize about real women versus the women in porn, but that's only a justification in yr brain needing a reboot.
You don't "swipe" real women in the real world.  Why don't u try to meet some women where there's no screen involved: laptop or phone I mean.
Join a yoga class (high ratio of  women to men and they're fit too  ;)), join a youth group, something, where you meet women in person.  Then think about what it would be like to spend time with one of those women, as opposed to just fantasizing about sex with them.
give it a try, OK man?
Scott
« Last Edit: December 30, 2015, 09:56:07 PM by maddscottm »