Author Topic: My Diary  (Read 10953 times)

Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #125 on: November 25, 2018, 03:34:00 PM »
Hi guys,

day 6 clean from P.

Sugar does actually work for me. Things get a bit better with it.

I'm also experimenting with L-Glutamine.

But everything is still hard.

I wonder where the ansiety comes from, I've realised I had it before P.

Job is better than before. I don't have such a crazy boss anymore. She was really screwed.

Now I have a less crazy boss. But things with her are not going well.

Thing is that this time I'm going to find the way of talking things out with the company and arrange things so I don't have to deal with this toxic person anymore.

I must have bad luck or: due to the fact that I'm poor people try to take advantatge of me and abuse me.

But this time is different.

Pressure is big these days at work but I feel I'm dealing with it a bit better than usual.

I believe that the key of my problem is stress and ansiety. If it's true that this was the issue even before my addiction, if I'm able to solve it, my chances of overcoming the addiction will be far bigger.

Maybe this is not a war against addiction, it's a war against stress and ansiety and learning how to cope with it and reduce it.

Peace :)

Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #126 on: December 02, 2018, 02:26:54 PM »
hi guys,

13 days clean of P.

I've had very stressful moments this week, but I managed them correctly.

I had a lot of ansiety but I've managed it away from P.

So I had a bit of practice.

Very rough week at work, but it could be an opportunity to change some things for good.

This last year has been a boost for my faith.

Last weekend I went to a retreat and it was awesome.

Advent is here. Could be a hope for change in my life.

Cheers



Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #127 on: December 04, 2018, 03:20:47 AM »
Peace be with you brother, one day at a time. None of what we do is in vain.

Also, just a reminder that the past 13 days mean a lot because these are days that you could have acted out. Instead, you gave yourself a better chance at a happy life for those days.

There were days when I didn't even see myself being able to recover, days when I didn't even know about recovery. We have come far.
Last PMO - 24 Mar 2019 23h00

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Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #128 on: December 06, 2018, 07:26:05 AM »
Peace be with you brother, one day at a time. None of what we do is in vain.

Also, just a reminder that the past 13 days mean a lot because these are days that you could have acted out. Instead, you gave yourself a better chance at a happy life for those days.

There were days when I didn't even see myself being able to recover, days when I didn't even know about recovery. We have come far.

Thank you very much for your kind words, Fly :)
Peace :)

Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #129 on: December 08, 2018, 06:54:56 PM »
Hi guys,

20 days away from P.

 Today I ate a lot of sugar. At first it was like an ansiety, but then it felt good.

I know sugar is not good for me but I'm so disgusted with P that I'm experimenting with that other substance.

The other day I got to councelling so ansious that even my therapist told me that it was the first time he saw me like that.

Nevertheless the session went well and I could take somethings out of my chest.

I'm trying to solve some things in my work but I'm really not used to face things like this and it's hard. I used to go along with things and I guess my alter ego went straight to the computer to be "someone" in the cyber world.

Now at least I'm trying to do something about my problems instead of hiding under a bunch of pixels.

I feel kind of ashamed cause I'm getting to my 40's and I'm still learning that stuff. But I guess I spent my adolescence, youth and beyond avoiding human interaction in my room and now I have to pay the price and learn.

I've worked a lot to get here, not only for the 20 days, but I'm thinking of all my prayers, reading, exercise, my clean room, my better finances or at least the consciousness and responsability of managing them; my better relationship with my family, the bye to some toxic friends, my better interaction with new people and it's the first time in my life I really know what job I want to work in and I'm actually doing it. Needless to say the million tricks to deal with my addiction and stay away from P even for months.

All of that has taken a lot of hard work and effort. So now I just want to walk towards my goal and set free from P and live a better life.

Lately one of my big goals is to focus in my next half an hour of life. It helps me enjoy and forget all my excesive worries. For instance now I'm talking to you guys, just sharing to whomever wants to listen. I've made something similar to friends here.

The addiction is better managed with your support. I just want to thank you all for listening and sharing your experiences. At the beggining of my arrival here, in the forum, I felt superior from the others because I saw that there were people in a much worse situation than me. Or that I thought. But after 2 years in this forum and not quitting yet, I've realised that although I might be in a better position than some others in some ways, I'm not superior at all and will never be. Cause even if I heal I will always remember this experience as the most important of my life or at least one of them, and I've discovered many dark sides of my life which 2 years ago I didn't see yet.

I was in denial. I knew I had a problem but I didn't realise the extent of it. Even with counceling I'm not clean yet. So the problem is big and has been overwelming. So I'm another regular addict. 

I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to know you all. I've realised the value of being part of a kind group that doesn't judge me and I hope I'm making a contribution to the group too.

Today I gave away a password to my councelor. That means that even if I wanted to, it would be pretty hard for me to find P.

It was the last computer. The one that I used in my last big relapse in summer.

It's been a big step. There's no more P drug in my house. This will help me if I ever go crazy again.

20 days is not bad. I've been here before. It's 3 weeks or so. I'ts usually easer for me to stay away from P 3 weeks than 3 days. The tricks of the brain (the chaser effect).

Now I think that I'll pray or something and I'm going to bed, that I'm already sleepy.

Cheers
« Last Edit: December 09, 2018, 09:23:40 AM by Loving_Mary »
Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #130 on: December 10, 2018, 02:03:50 AM »
I relate to so much of your share..

..especially the part about feeling like I'm approaching my 40s and only now making a bit of progress. But I want to remind us that we are in a much better position that we would be had we not tried to fight this thing. There are men in their 50s and 60s going off to (a third world country where they can act out with all sorts of people) because they are convinced that that is where their future is, they have given up their fight against the addiction and want to be able to freely immerse themselves in it. I know, because I wanted to do the same, away from people who know me. I am grateful that my life is steadily going in a different direction.

I am not as wealthy as I would like, but I am grateful.

I also relate to what you say about feeling superior to others on the forum and in my real-life meeting. As a result of repeated slips and relapses that threaten my life, I am humbled. I am tempted even without looking at stuff online, which is scary.

But I try to remember why I am recovering and what is at stake, then I find the motivation to work my recovery.
Last PMO - 24 Mar 2019 23h00

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Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #131 on: December 22, 2018, 05:56:51 PM »
Hi guys

33 days away from P

I feel pretty well.

I've had a very stressful month but things are getting back to normal.

My faith has helped me a ton and my little tricks against stress and ansiety have worked.

I believe I'm still not normal in terms of my tendency to ansiety but the good news is that I haven't used P as a narcotic.

I've trained less but managed to train a bit.

My room is a bit untidy right now. I've started trading a little on crypto currencies as an amusement. I'm pretty excited about it. It's a nice hobbie.

Been pretty alone in general but sometimes I've got a call. Attending Toast Masters meetings regularly, going to some dinners. Well it's Christmas.

Managed to design a professional plan for 2019 that keeps the good things and discards the things that haven't worked out.

I need some rest from work. I will work 8 hours next week in total so that's nice.

Cheers
Peace :)

Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #132 on: January 13, 2019, 07:05:06 PM »
Hi guys,

55 days free from P

today a girl friend sent me a message that she was in the city.

It was a nice surprise. We actually even made out a little.

It was nice to share some good company.

In general I've had days where I've been sad because of my personal and professional situation.

It's hard for me to focus on the rehab, which is going well since I blocked everything I've got.

But when the pain of the addiction starts to fade away, there's no joy left, not even emptyness. There's virtually nothing. Only a deep sense of fail.

It's like winning a battle while you watch all the dead bodies, all the blood, the pain, the defeat within the victory.

So it's hard to feel victorius.

Cause victory yeah is overcoming the adiction. But when I raise my eyes and see what's left... it's sad and scary.

My hope is that if I feel better my life will eventually get better.

I'm trying to start from my inner self. My soul, my soul full of scars. How many times have I damaged it? Maybe 10.000 times. But those wounds are gone.

My poor brain: I've damaged it so much that it's not even funny.

Last 2 weeks I've felt slightly better. Kind of more calm, more present.

I've managed not to touch myself so the healing is deeper.

My body. Healthy in general. But it hurts sometimes, my back.

Today I've done some exercise it was good.

My room looks pretty tidy.

My finances are not good. It's one of things that worries me the most.

Oh God I'd love to have a decent income. I'm poor.

The relationship with my family is not bad.

Lately I've had the desire to found a family. It's just a fantasy right now, cause I don't have the woman or the money to do that.

My friends, I really would like to have better quality friends but I guess first I will have to improve myself.

My "job". I'm sick of working plenty of hours for not even a salary. And if I get it everything is problems and pressure. I get it: it's me. Something is wrong with me. I'm not functional. But step by step.

Oh God please help me. Maybe now that I sin less everything will be easer.

Cheers   
Peace :)

Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #133 on: January 27, 2019, 11:02:55 AM »
Hi guys,

68 days away from P

In general I feel that my brain is getting definetely better, especially if I stay away from M for several days.

Sometimes when I feel weak I start my usual shower with cold water, that wakes me up and helps gettting rid of too much confort wich leads me to M.

Right now P is pretty under control since I blocked everything in my house. But  still miss it sometimes.

I think I'm connecting more to other things in my life and other people.

Money issues worry me but my illness is loosing up.

Cheers

Peace :)

Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #134 on: February 16, 2019, 08:59:05 AM »
84 days away from P

of all the times I've quit, this one feels the best.

The differences between this time and previous  ones:

I feel better, I've blocked all my house and I do far less M

One of the reasons of the improvement could be the hardmode switch.

I'm happy I could finally give it a serious try.

I feel strangely more connected to reality and more adapted to it.

I also feel more connection with other people.

Cheers

« Last Edit: February 17, 2019, 11:28:11 AM by Loving_Mary »
Peace :)

Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #135 on: March 02, 2019, 04:09:38 PM »
Hi guys,

104 days away from P.

In terms of my mind and ansiety I feel pretty good.

My worries are now for my life in general.

I feel my life is devastated after an earthquake.

Just seems my life is a farm.

I finally got off my computer and saw how is everything after 24 years of not taking care of it. 

The house is wrecked, the garden and the fields are a jungle, the animals are dead or gone, I don't know anyone in the village.

One thing I do have now: my mind, which was kidnapped by P.

On the one hand I feel devastated. On the other I feel kind of excited, as well as scared.

It reminds me to that movie, Australia, where Nicole Kidman plays a widow who has to take care of a ranch.

If at least I knew what to do, I'd do it for sure.

I would start by throwing away stuff, cleaning and tiding up. I would learn how to grow up cereals and the cattle, I would put everything to work.

But I just don't know where to start in my life, especially my job.

Anyway thanks for reading, understanding and sharing. You guys are awesome, you've been a great support.

Cheers

 
Peace :)

DGF_AU086

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #136 on: March 06, 2019, 08:12:20 PM »
Triple figures! Well done mate.

One thing at a time, we can't fix our whole lives in a year. Now that you have a leg up on PMO, you can begin to work on the next thing. You can only eat an elephant one bite at a time. Looks like your making your way through it and it inspires me, so thank you.

Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #137 on: March 07, 2019, 03:55:06 PM »
Triple figures! Well done mate.

One thing at a time, we can't fix our whole lives in a year. Now that you have a leg up on PMO, you can begin to work on the next thing. You can only eat an elephant one bite at a time. Looks like your making your way through it and it inspires me, so thank you.

thanks man ;)
Peace :)