Author Topic: My Diary  (Read 9381 times)

Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #125 on: November 25, 2018, 03:34:00 PM »
Hi guys,

day 6 clean from P.

Sugar does actually work for me. Things get a bit better with it.

I'm also experimenting with L-Glutamine.

But everything is still hard.

I wonder where the ansiety comes from, I've realised I had it before P.

Job is better than before. I don't have such a crazy boss anymore. She was really screwed.

Now I have a less crazy boss. But things with her are not going well.

Thing is that this time I'm going to find the way of talking things out with the company and arrange things so I don't have to deal with this toxic person anymore.

I must have bad luck or: due to the fact that I'm poor people try to take advantatge of me and abuse me.

But this time is different.

Pressure is big these days at work but I feel I'm dealing with it a bit better than usual.

I believe that the key of my problem is stress and ansiety. If it's true that this was the issue even before my addiction, if I'm able to solve it, my chances of overcoming the addiction will be far bigger.

Maybe this is not a war against addiction, it's a war against stress and ansiety and learning how to cope with it and reduce it.

Peace :)

Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #126 on: December 02, 2018, 02:26:54 PM »
hi guys,

13 days clean of P.

I've had very stressful moments this week, but I managed them correctly.

I had a lot of ansiety but I've managed it away from P.

So I had a bit of practice.

Very rough week at work, but it could be an opportunity to change some things for good.

This last year has been a boost for my faith.

Last weekend I went to a retreat and it was awesome.

Advent is here. Could be a hope for change in my life.

Cheers



Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #127 on: December 04, 2018, 03:20:47 AM »
Peace be with you brother, one day at a time. None of what we do is in vain.

Also, just a reminder that the past 13 days mean a lot because these are days that you could have acted out. Instead, you gave yourself a better chance at a happy life for those days.

There were days when I didn't even see myself being able to recover, days when I didn't even know about recovery. We have come far.
Last PMO - 04 Nov 2018 (23h45)

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Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #128 on: December 06, 2018, 07:26:05 AM »
Peace be with you brother, one day at a time. None of what we do is in vain.

Also, just a reminder that the past 13 days mean a lot because these are days that you could have acted out. Instead, you gave yourself a better chance at a happy life for those days.

There were days when I didn't even see myself being able to recover, days when I didn't even know about recovery. We have come far.

Thank you very much for your kind words, Fly :)
Peace :)

Loving_Mary

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #129 on: December 08, 2018, 06:54:56 PM »
Hi guys,

20 days away from P.

 Today I ate a lot of sugar. At first it was like an ansiety, but then it felt good.

I know sugar is not good for me but I'm so disgusted with P that I'm experimenting with that other substance.

The other day I got to councelling so ansious that even my therapist told me that it was the first time he saw me like that.

Nevertheless the session went well and I could take somethings out of my chest.

I'm trying to solve some things in my work but I'm really not used to face things like this and it's hard. I used to go along with things and I guess my alter ego went straight to the computer to be "someone" in the cyber world.

Now at least I'm trying to do something about my problems instead of hiding under a bunch of pixels.

I feel kind of ashamed cause I'm getting to my 40's and I'm still learning that stuff. But I guess I spent my adolescence, youth and beyond avoiding human interaction in my room and now I have to pay the price and learn.

I've worked a lot to get here, not only for the 20 days, but I'm thinking of all my prayers, reading, exercise, my clean room, my better finances or at least the consciousness and responsability of managing them; my better relationship with my family, the bye to some toxic friends, my better interaction with new people and it's the first time in my life I really know what job I want to work in and I'm actually doing it. Needless to say the million tricks to deal with my addiction and stay away from P even for months.

All of that has taken a lot of hard work and effort. So now I just want to walk towards my goal and set free from P and live a better life.

Lately one of my big goals is to focus in my next half an hour of life. It helps me enjoy and forget all my excesive worries. For instance now I'm talking to you guys, just sharing to whomever wants to listen. I've made something similar to friends here.

The addiction is better managed with your support. I just want to thank you all for listening and sharing your experiences. At the beggining of my arrival here, in the forum, I felt superior from the others because I saw that there were people in a much worse situation than me. Or that I thought. But after 2 years in this forum and not quitting yet, I've realised that although I might be in a better position than some others in some ways, I'm not superior at all and will never be. Cause even if I heal I will always remember this experience as the most important of my life or at least one of them, and I've discovered many dark sides of my life which 2 years ago I didn't see yet.

I was in denial. I knew I had a problem but I didn't realise the extent of it. Even with counceling I'm not clean yet. So the problem is big and has been overwelming. So I'm another regular addict. 

I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to know you all. I've realised the value of being part of a kind group that doesn't judge me and I hope I'm making a contribution to the group too.

Today I gave away a password to my councelor. That means that even if I wanted to, it would be pretty hard for me to find P.

It was the last computer. The one that I used in my last big relapse in summer.

It's been a big step. There's no more P drug in my house. This will help me if I ever go crazy again.

20 days is not bad. I've been here before. It's 3 weeks or so. I'ts usually easer for me to stay away from P 3 weeks than 3 days. The tricks of the brain (the chaser effect).

Now I think that I'll pray or something and I'm going to bed, that I'm already sleepy.

Cheers
« Last Edit: December 09, 2018, 09:23:40 AM by Loving_Mary »
Peace :)

FlyPhoenix

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Re: My Diary
« Reply #130 on: December 10, 2018, 02:03:50 AM »
I relate to so much of your share..

..especially the part about feeling like I'm approaching my 40s and only now making a bit of progress. But I want to remind us that we are in a much better position that we would be had we not tried to fight this thing. There are men in their 50s and 60s going off to (a third world country where they can act out with all sorts of people) because they are convinced that that is where their future is, they have given up their fight against the addiction and want to be able to freely immerse themselves in it. I know, because I wanted to do the same, away from people who know me. I am grateful that my life is steadily going in a different direction.

I am not as wealthy as I would like, but I am grateful.

I also relate to what you say about feeling superior to others on the forum and in my real-life meeting. As a result of repeated slips and relapses that threaten my life, I am humbled. I am tempted even without looking at stuff online, which is scary.

But I try to remember why I am recovering and what is at stake, then I find the motivation to work my recovery.
Last PMO - 04 Nov 2018 (23h45)

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