Author Topic: I'm an addict and I have a problem.  (Read 4481 times)

Goose86

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I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« on: December 10, 2015, 06:15:15 PM »
Hi everybody,

After I PMO'd 3 times on a sunday, I googled for 'sex addiction'. I came across reboot nation and it really opened my eyes.
I started out with magazines when I was about 9, looked at softcore shows and VHS and started M'ing when I was 11. Then I got Highspeed internet at 14 and right now I'm almost 30 and have PMO'd for over half of my life.

I felt like sh!t after PMO'ing for the 3rd time that sunday evening, realising I had been watching something that an 18 year old me would have thought to be disgusting. It was only that sunday that I remembered I once had ED with an old gf and she told me I might be addicted to porn. I took it as a joke at the time. I had been taking it as a joke al my life, just casually talking about it with friends, feeling no shame at all. Until I started watching more and more hardcore porn in my mid 20s. At that point I stopped talking about it with my friends, but still thought of porn as a good way to cope with depression.

Reading so many stories and listening to Gabe on video made me realize something I thought I'd never say: I am a porn addict and I have a problem. Being able to relating to so many of you, I can now see porn might be part of the cause of feelings of depression and loneliness. Ever since I broke up with my girlfriend three years ago, I haven't had much interest in meeting new girls, dealt with depression and watched very hardcore porn whenever I felt bad.

It's 18 days since that sunday and I haven't PMO'd since. I entered the flatine on very the first day and have had a dead dick for about 12 days. Luckily I didn't freak out, because I read about the flatline. A few days ago I dreamt about watching porn and have felt strong urges to PMO again. I'm very glad that every time I had that urge, I opened my browser and read inspiring stories and this forum.
I'm very motivated to completely reboot my brain, finding the will to be in love a woman again and stop PMO'ing for the rest of my life. Yes, porn has given me brief moments of relief in the past, but in retrospect, has cost me way more that it has given me. I hope to keep finding inspiration on this forum to continue my reboot and hope to be able to help others with the same problem as well.
I start my journal at day 18 and hope to be able to finish it without a relapse. I'd already like to so thanks to everybody on this page who has shared their story, because I'm sure we'll help each other that way!
 

Goose86

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #1 on: December 12, 2015, 10:30:30 AM »
Day 20. Today I barely made it. Was bored, not feeling well, so I couldn't go to the gym. Browsed some facebook pictures and really comtemplated M'ing. In the end my willpower won the struggle and I didn't PMO. Right now, a few hours later I'm really glad I'm still 20 days PMO-free.

absam91

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #2 on: December 12, 2015, 11:00:00 AM »
Congratulations on making 20 days! That's quite an achievement and I hope you are proud of it. Much like you, the majority of us have gone through life without realizing the side effects of PMO and suddenly gain a moment of clarity when we realize the true of our habit. Now that we know this and have a community where we can share our experiences, I'm certain we can all overcome this monster.

Keep posting your progresses. Journalling is essential to how long my reboots last. I think I can almost find a mathematical relationship between when I have stopped journalling during my previous reboot and when I relapsed  :P

Keep fighting the good fight!



Goose86

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #3 on: December 12, 2015, 06:05:52 PM »
Thanks man. I'm very proud of it and plan on going to the gym again tomorrow and make it to 3 weeks.

Congrats to you too for keeping your head up after a relapse and being pmo-free for a week!



dreaminglord

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #4 on: December 14, 2015, 01:09:12 AM »
great going :D

Goose86

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #5 on: December 14, 2015, 01:00:20 PM »
Thanks, you should start a journal too!

Day 22: happy I'm 3 weeks without pmo. Today and yesterday have been ok for me, haven't felt particulary happy or unhappy. Workdays are a lot easier than weekends, because of way less boredom.

umbrelladuck

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #6 on: December 14, 2015, 05:13:12 PM »
Boredom is killer, and good for you to be going to the gym! Physical exercise helps so much.

ironman2015

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #7 on: December 14, 2015, 06:37:25 PM »
cool.
keep going buddy.

Goose86

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #8 on: December 15, 2015, 04:28:11 PM »
Day 23: was home a lot today and stumbled across an old porn pic on my pc. Proud to say I deleted it immediately and didn't look any further. Not feeling too bad, though I notice I still don't look at girls like I want to and that's frustrating me.
Been thinking about goals and results I'd like from my reboot:
- look at girls normally, notice their eyes or the way they walk for example, instead of thinking about what I'd like to do with them.
- be a fun, more positive person in general. Somebody strangers like to talk to or sit next to in public transport.
- not feel tired all the time
- not have periods of depression anymore
- not think about porn anymore
- be able to fall in love again
- no worries about PE or PIED
- help other people with their reboot by sharing experience
 

ironman2015

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #9 on: December 15, 2015, 05:21:16 PM »
Goose , this is life.
porn takes away from us.

enjoy your life man !
have fun.


Goose86

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #10 on: December 16, 2015, 04:00:15 PM »
thanks ironman.

Day 24. No urge to watch porn, did feel like watching facebook pics of hot girls. Stopped in time.
Mood is pretty good, energy level quite allright.

Goose86

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #11 on: December 17, 2015, 05:42:38 PM »
Day 25. Was busy the entire day. Talked to a cute girl and noticed a nice positive vibe. I felt relaxed, willing to flirt and actually interested in connecting with her. Very different from a year ago when I spoke the same girl. I could see it in the way she responded and her body language too.
Not saying that I have superpowers now or that I'm cured already, but I felt like this is who I want to be and who I can be. I feel like working to beat my addiction is giving me strength and new energy. Though I already fear weekend and moments of boredom...

ironman2015

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #12 on: December 18, 2015, 10:46:49 AM »
yeah.
don't let your self feel that you have cured yourself.
keep fighting and work hard in your reboot.

Goose86

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #13 on: December 19, 2015, 11:51:12 AM »
Day 27: today my mood is great and my libido is very high since day 25, without even looking at images of hot babes.
I feel like wanting connecting and making love to a woman, but not in the same way I felt the past years. For periods of time I felt frustration, loneliness and at times a complete loser. Today I just feel positivity and am hoping others will catch my positive vibe.

ironman2015

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #14 on: December 19, 2015, 12:52:54 PM »
that's awesome.
enjoy your good mood.
see good things in your life.

Goose86

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #15 on: December 20, 2015, 04:55:08 PM »
Day 28: Had a mood drop today and a very strong urge to M, strangely enought no urge to watch P. Didn't M in the end though. Very proud to have made a month, working hard to make it to a full reboot!

ironman2015

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #16 on: December 21, 2015, 11:26:03 AM »
yeah it is definitely a thing to be proud of.
enjoy the day of 30.

keep pushing.
You will reach 100 too soon.

Goose86

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #17 on: December 21, 2015, 01:08:56 PM »
Day 29: Yesterday I M'd for the first time during my reboot. I already had very high libido for a few days and at night I read a erotic passage in a book (unexpected) and couldn't resist anymore.
I didn't use any visual stimulation though, didn't even want to think about porn.

Experienced a big drop in mood (and libido) today, maybe because the weather is bad and the day at work was shitty, but the fact that I didn't made my reboot in hard mode probably plays a part too.
I'm about to exercise  and will be very wary that I will not M again in the next days, because I'm afraid that that would lead to a complete relapse.
Hope to be back to posting in a better mood next time!

 

Goose86

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #18 on: December 22, 2015, 06:14:15 PM »
Day 30: Had a great workout yesterday, seems to improve my mood. Libido is allright too, no flatline. Wondering if I'll enter another flatline in this process.

ironman2015

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #19 on: December 22, 2015, 08:19:54 PM »
glad you are feeling better.
your mood is now good.
I am happy for you.
keep moving.

Goose86

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #20 on: December 23, 2015, 03:40:09 PM »
Day 31: mood neutral today, no news.

umbrelladuck

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #21 on: December 23, 2015, 05:03:09 PM »
Savor that neutral feeling, it's better than that urge breathing down your neck!
And congrats on reaching 30 days!

umbrelladuck

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #22 on: December 23, 2015, 05:05:14 PM »
Savor that neutral feeling, it's better than that urge breathing down your neck!
And congrats on reaching 30 days!
You got this!!

ironman2015

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #23 on: December 23, 2015, 05:08:13 PM »
great accomplishment of 30 days is already achieved now next target should be 100 days.
stick with your reboot.
mood will continue to change. just move forward. let those moods go by themselves.
enjoy the rest.

Goose86

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Re: I'm an addict and I have a problem.
« Reply #24 on: December 26, 2015, 04:39:20 PM »
Day 34: it hurts to admit, but last tuesday I M'd again. I was even ashamed to post it on this form. Had a bad dream and felt like M'ing (without P) would help. No regrets, just shame.
Haven't M'd since and am still clean. Saw nude pictures on the news, thought of watching P again and am resisting. Mood is pretty good.