Author Topic: Gay guy reboot  (Read 22569 times)

thewhitewindow

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #50 on: February 05, 2016, 04:14:06 PM »
Thanks again Now-Man, today has been a windstorm of crying like a guest on Dr Phil to just going outside without my phone on me and staring at the river near my house. 

I was given the following video by Harry M (thanks buddy) that vid is here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98ApKUqb-RQ  it perfectly sums up my inner demons about being gay.  I'm not closeted, people know I'm gay, but I have always judged gay men because I hated myself.  I was never taught how to love myself from the people who were supposed to love me the most.  No wonder I chose porn.  No wonder. 

Delving into all those links you've been posting and educating myself beyond words.  Williams post is a hit.  I bookmarked it and made it a screen lock on my desktop.  This one if anyone's interested.  http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=1256.0

My main question is this:  Why isn't the US government pumping millions into protecting and education on this?  It should be so much more visible.  I guess it took years before scientists realized cigarettes cased lung cancer, maybe it'll take just as long for porn. 


now-man

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #51 on: February 05, 2016, 04:25:02 PM »
Hahahaha Harry M - you want a car and an iPad? How about a nice glass of prune juice to go with it?  ;D

TWW, thanks for the video link, I'll check it out.

As far as your questions about campaigns for rebooting, and getting this message out in the world, my thought is don't worry about that right now. Just focus on you and getting through this. The world will take care of itself. The best way I can help it along is to take care of me.

There's a really interesting chapter in Gary Wilson's book about how this information is going to move in the world. It may take awhile. We're pioneers in a new domain of understanding. So you could consider yourself lucky.

now-man

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #52 on: February 10, 2016, 07:34:42 AM »
Someone recently mentioned an amusing aphorism in a post somewhere in here, something to the effect of: If you want to find out how enlightened you are, spend a week with your mother.

Or in my case, a day.

I've come to visit her for a few days. My, she's something. Let's just say - it's not easy being her. And in that sense, my heart goes out to her. (After my brain has silently screamed oh my m*ther f**king g*d! Are you kidding me!!?)

Interestingly what I noticed, when my discomfort started to rise and the internal noise level got loud, was that the thought of jerking off was right there, subtle, quiet, waiting like it would be a good solution later.

I kind of thought "Wow - smooth. Nice try." It's the first time in my reboot the thought of masturbating has appeared like a good idea. It hadn't even escalated to the thought of looking at porn, just this familiar sense of "oh, I'll make myself feel better later" to compensate for putting up with this madwoman (bless her heart). So who's not sane in this picture?

Fortunately I wasn't going to follow that slick little trail. And I had Reboot Nation to visit later, where I read Harry Molaski's excellent, revealing replay of a relapse, and saw that could have been me. Thank you Harry M!

I've been awake for awhile now in the wee hours, ruminating. Then I just remembered that today is my birthday. And  I realized I have some thoughts about it that I want to hide. Inspired by Harry M's example, here's what I don't want to say: I'm afraid I'm over the hill. I found myself thinking yesterday "oh, 54 is still young (the last remnant), but 55!" It's hilarious really - what a drama queen! Like the hours between yesterday and today have wrought some irrevocable change. A digit.

I even wondered if my RN profile would automatically display my new age (humiliatingly) or if I could just remain here in the gauzy youthfulness of 54!, fooling everyone. Oy, embarrassing.

People tell me I look much younger, 10 to 15 years, they're shocked. And I bend toward that as a flattering compliment. Watching for signs of it slipping away. And the internal result is fear.

I'm 55 f**king years old. I want to just be as I am. Isn't it silly how I make it all mean something?

Reminds me of my dear mother. Bless my heart.
« Last Edit: February 10, 2016, 07:45:32 AM by now-man »

bob

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #53 on: February 10, 2016, 09:12:14 PM »
Happy Birthday Now-Man!

Just want to tell you to have a great day and that you are still a kid.  8) Take care and be strong.

Peace

now-man

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #54 on: February 10, 2016, 11:03:18 PM »
Just ending a lovely birthday, spent with my mom. After achieving a little sanity at 4 am by posting in here, I got to have a very sweet day with her. It only took getting clear about where the source of trouble lies when I'm annoyed and impatient, and it ain't over there.

Grateful for this amazing forum, and a year ahead of more health, more joy, more connection, inside and out.

Harry Molaski

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #55 on: February 11, 2016, 05:28:10 AM »
Hi nowman,

Congratulations! And great writing. Here's my birthday gift to you. A poem by the Caribbean author Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

avesraggiana

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #56 on: February 11, 2016, 09:08:55 AM »
Hi nowman,

Congratulations! And great writing. Here's my birthday gift to you. A poem by the Caribbean author Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

That’s beautiful, Harry.  Even though you intended it as a gift for Now-man, thank you for sharing it with the rest of us.


now-man

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #57 on: February 11, 2016, 10:10:02 AM »
Beautiful. Wow. So beautiful. Thank you Harry M. I'm very touched by that.

It really describes the truth for all of us, even when we live in confusion - that wisdom and heart are always there waiting patiently with us.

Patrick

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #58 on: February 11, 2016, 04:10:28 PM »
Happy belated birthday, now-man! Wishing you much love and happiness.


now-man

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #59 on: February 16, 2016, 09:45:48 PM »
For the first time since I started my reboot I had a chance hookup. My erection worked somewhat, but less well than it had been working with my partner. I missed the closeness I’ve been feeling with him, and the experience left me feeling like I’d rather be sharing sex only with my partner for now. Which felt good. I figured that was a worthwhile experience.

And then came the chaser effect.

After five glorious weeks of being home, I went back out on my work travel schedule. Last night I had a couple drinks with a colleague at the hotel bar.

When I went back to my room I decided to go on my hookup email, which I haven’t checked in 78 days. I’ve thought about checking it recently, but concluded it would be better to wait. Being a little buzzed removed that inhibition. I had two hookup budddies whom I had told, at the start of my reboot, that I would be unavailable for 3 months. That time has passed. I wanted to check to see who may have contacted me.

There were a couple of emails from past hookups asking if I was available. One of them got my attention, and I responded, opening the possibility for meeting next week, depending on travel schedule.

Then I closed the email and went to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and had a wave of remorse about even going into that email. Today I’ve had mixed feelings about it. At one point I thought - ‘well, maybe if the schedule works out, I’ll just do the hookup and take a pill to get hard.’ I can see my mind is struggling. I don’t want to force myself into some kind of guilt trip around sex. But I don’t want to lose ground in my reboot.

The truth is, I haven’t gotten to the point that I feel fully ‘rebooted’ in the ED department. And to paraphrase a friend, “why am I pursuing a hookup when my dick doesn't work right?” (yet.)

Phase2 and others have recently said in numerous posts - if you want to get through this to the other side, go hard. So for now, I think I should forget about hooking up, avoid dick pills, ignore hot guys. I guess I should even stop looking at the sports pages. I have justified that it’s such a very small thing, but I suppose it’s a very small hit of dopamine, and my mind is succeeding in having just that little hold. Maybe I need to squelch it.

The alcohol factor is clear - I’ve been drinking way less the last couple months, almost not at all, and I can see it’s been very good for me. I can probably do one drink and be fine, but more than one and it’s just an opening for mischief. Easier to just go without.
« Last Edit: February 16, 2016, 10:12:07 PM by now-man »

Phase2

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #60 on: February 17, 2016, 09:16:10 AM »
Hey buddy. Good post.

If I were you I'd delete that email account. It's sitting in the back of your head: ready to pounce the moment you are weak--which is what it did in that hotel room. If it doesn't exist anymore, it's not going to keep you up at night. Looking at the sports page is one thing, having a hook up email account waiting in the wings is quite another. You just experimented with a hookup and it sounds like it was pretty unsatisfying...so why have it? Dump it. Go hard!

I've also slowed down drinking a LOT lately. Have you done it on purpose, or has it just happened? I feel like it must be related to my reboot. I was in the habit of a drink or two at cocktail hour pretty much every night. For the past 6 weeks I've virtually stopped all that. I just haven't felt like having a drink. Somehow I know they are related.

Thanks for the update, buddy.



lyon03

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #61 on: February 17, 2016, 06:12:12 PM »
Thank you for sharing so honestly brother. I agree wholeheartedly with Phase2: the true you doesn't seem to need the booze nor meaningless hookups. This next sentence is going to seem strange so get ready. I see these struggles as positive developments. I think you're moving from the physical phase of addiction recovery (withdrawal, cravings, spontaneous boners etc) to the more challenging emotional phase of recovery. I ain't gonna lie: it's a bitch and for me was much harder than just stopping with the porn. But I did find help. Last year I read a book entitled "Breaking the Cycle" by George Collins. I'd suggest you download a copy from Kindle/Amazon because it might help with the issues you've shared in your latest post. Collins writes about something called "first thought wrong." In brief, this means the first impulse comes from your addiction and it's likely wrong. In the past, you probably wouldn't have hesitated to schedule a hook up and pop a d*ck pill. Now addiction-free, the negative feelings you're having about casual sex have changed. THIS IS A GOOD THING! It means the real you is starting to emerge. I think you made the right decision to hold off on the hookup for a while longer. I'm not saying you have to foresake casual encounters forever but it sounds like you've determined it's too early to try it now. I hope that helps somehow my friend. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
« Last Edit: February 17, 2016, 06:20:55 PM by lyon03 »

bob

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #62 on: February 18, 2016, 07:55:30 AM »
I agree with Lyon03 on the book, "Breaking the Cycle."

One point in the book describes an action that helps one break the process of objectification women; honestly, the book reads well for both straight and gay folks. The idea is to break your train of thought right at the point of objectification by doing some physical action and say something to yourself. George talks about taking his hand and putting in on his heart. I came up with the process of curling my index finger around onto itself and pushing the nail into the skin at the base of my thumb. Not to cause pain but to register the action.

The symbol is the half what is created when one puts their index fingers and thumbs together to show the shape of a heart. Mine is the half shape (kind of) of a heart to show myself that I am but one part of a whole. Together, my wife and I are what is important. I need to turn away when that woman walks by with the yoga pants, when she leans forward with that loose fitting clothing. She may be beautiful. I can acknowledge her beauty. I just need to transfer my thoughts before objectification.

I am but one part of that heart.  I need to remind myself of the whole heart and what it represents.

Peace brothers and sisters.

thewhitewindow

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #63 on: February 18, 2016, 11:22:25 AM »
Hey Now-Man,

Congratulations on your recovery and I must say you have wonderful insight.  Phase2 as well!  I quite enjoy this thread.

Reading a book right now called 'Cruise Control' and fascinating (thanks, Phase2 for the reco)  Really bringing to light my past behaviour and this loop I was in for so long.  I posted in Harrys forum about it.  I deleted my hook-up email about two months ago.  I had it since 2003 and I don't miss it.  It would be a very bad decision for me if I were to ruminate through it. 

Lyon03, your post about "first thought wrong." I never thought about it that way, so basically your 'knee jerk' response is the addiction behaving?  This emotional phase is interesting you talked about.  Hmm...


Keep posting Now-Man! 
« Last Edit: February 18, 2016, 11:26:55 AM by The White Window »

hans32

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #64 on: February 18, 2016, 11:52:40 PM »
Thanks for your insiteful and informative post.  Im emboldened to eliminate my sex emails now--  You had a very important test, much personal insite came from your process.  Your using it well and many will benefit as I have.

now-man

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #65 on: February 19, 2016, 06:11:31 PM »
Gentlemen, you are amazing. Thank you for your thoughtful support.

I vacillated the past two days about whether to go ahead with the hookup meeting or cancel it. This morning I cancelled it. You guys correctly pointed out that I’m not ready for that yet - which is in fact what I said myself in my last post - but I gave my mind a couple days to argue it. Interesting to watch. It takes me back to something I realized earlier - that I know the difference between what feels light and easy and what feels stressful. This one didn’t pass the test.

It also shows me the really great value of having this journal thread. The words are there in black and white.

Phase2, as far as the alcohol slow down, it started when my partner suggested that it could be a factor in the ED. He mentioned ‘whiskey dick’ from his AA knowledge base. I didn’t really think it applied, because I thought that came from heavy drinking, which I didn’t consider I was doing. But I’ve learned to listen to what he says, and after that, without really making a conscious decision to do it, I just cut back - from having a glass or three of wine most nights, or occasionally cocktails, to having a drink once a week or less. I’m kind of a wine lover - really good, kind of pricey wine - and these days it doesn’t taste quite right to me. It’s like my palate is taking a break.

As for the email account, I hear your wisdom, and I’m not ready to delete it yet. There are a handful of contacts in there that I want to keep for later when I do feel ready for a recreational hookup. I don’t really want to go in and weed through the whole thing to extract them now, it feels easier to just stay away. That worked until now - if it starts grabbing my attention again before I know I’m ready I will reconsider. Reading what I’ve just written I see that I’m probably full of shit on this. But I’m not sure. And I don’t want to take action zealously, I think that can sometimes lead to extreme swings in either direction. I seem to be able to tolerate a certain amount of temptation without going off the rails. So we’ll see. And I welcome your feedback.

Lyon, one of the best things that has supported my reboot was taking your suggestion in the beginning to read Gary’s book Your Brain On Porn. So I will happily take your suggestion to read Breaking the Cycle. I will also take to heart your observation that these struggles are evidence of positive changes. Your positivity is always encouraging and inspiring.

Bob, I love the specific example you give for how you practice ‘first thought wrong.’ Thank you for sharing that. I feel your ongoing support and I’m grateful for it, really glad to have you as part of my community.

WhiteWindow, yes, Cruise Control is a fantastic resource! Hardwired recommended it to me when I joined here and I got a lot out of it. I was surprised at how powerful and healing it was to see the subject specifically from a gay perspective.

Hans, I’m sorry if I’m a bad example in the ‘eliminating of danger email accounts’ department! There’s a saying I’ve heard to the effect of: if you can’t set a good example, you might as well be a horrible warning. We’ll see how that one turns out.  :P

However, in the ‘casual hookups before you’re rebooted and ready’ department, I really did give myself the option and permission to go ahead with the hookup I was considering. In the end my dear gentlemen, one of the biggest factors in my choice to wait is that I’m listening to and trusting what you have shared with me. I am very grateful to have you guys.
« Last Edit: February 19, 2016, 06:28:19 PM by now-man »

Phase2

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #66 on: February 19, 2016, 08:45:14 PM »
Yes you are full of shit. {Haha.  :o Big hug.} But seriously, that email account has to go...BECAUSE...it is completely a p-sub. You know darn well, one dreary night with a glass of wine, you're going to open up the account 'just for a second to see if..." and then three hours later you've made plans to hook up with three different guys the next week and your dick is in your hand looking at 4 steamy pics of HornyNYBull's ass.

Now, I am all about the hook up. I'm not judging on that. But because of where we are, proud warriors against PIED, I think you need to disarm this little p-sub time bomb pretty quick. It's waiting to destroy all the work you've put in. If I were you, I think what I would do as sort of a middle ground is get the three or four email addresses of those top tier guys you are really excited about (dump alllllll the rest, go for quality over quantity) write them down on a little piece of paper and put that piece of paper in the attic, in the garage, at a friend's house, etc. Just make sure you have to jump through a few hoops and think about it before you reach out to these Prized Studs. Then delete that account. Don't go through it, don't save any pics, just delete it. Poof. Gone. Your brain is free. You don't have to go down that road again. I did this and you can too. And when you do contact those guys, do it from a new higher level. Use your real address, be a stand up guy, tell them the deal and try to be less porny and more awesome-dude about it.

Ok, those are my two cents. High five to all my bros.




now-man

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #67 on: February 19, 2016, 09:14:06 PM »
Okay Okay Okay Phase!!! I'm temporarily placing my brain in your trust!

I hear you, I trust you. I will do it. Thank you very much for the specific instructions - that is a huge help actually. Both in terms of validating the hookup, and the way to deal with the contacts and the email account, AND the suggestion for when and how to contact them in the future - that really works for me.

I will be stand-up guy awesome dude. Like you.

High five!!

avesraggiana

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #68 on: February 20, 2016, 12:55:43 AM »
Hi, Now-man.

Nothing more to contribute here, everyone else has already articulated very clearly what I would have told you.  Just to tell you, I really enjoy the way you write.  Clear, self-reflective but not self-pitying; direct, concise and so full of wisdom. 

Please keep writing and updating us of your progress.

Bully for you if you can follow Phase2’s suggestions to the letter.  If you really can’t bear to part with those “hot shots”, download the app, Photo Vault, and store them in there.  You can then delete said pictures from your email account, your naughty photo collection or what have you.  That way, you won’t so easily see them or be triggered, and just like writing down the email addresses of your favourite Boomerang Fuck Buddies, storing these pictures in an app will just make them that much more time consuming and tedious to get to.  And that’s the whole idea.

Love always,
Avesraggiana.


now-man

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #69 on: February 20, 2016, 01:23:44 AM »
Thank you Aves, I really appreciate you looking out for me. And I reeeaaally appreciate your hilarious sense of humor!

I had PhotoVault before and got rid of it early in my reboot. I actually don't want any hot pix - those are psubs for me. I only want to save the contact info for (as you so colorfully put it) my favorite Boomerang Fuck Buddies (LMAO). And I will make them time consuming and tedious to access. Knowing your blessings, love, and glitter dust are showering down upon me.  :)

Patrick

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« Reply #70 on: February 20, 2016, 03:05:46 AM »
Hey now-man, Just a quick note to tell you that I'm rooting for you. Thanks for your wisdom, love, and kindness - always inspiring! Keep on truckin'...


now-man

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #71 on: February 21, 2016, 11:29:44 PM »
Just a quick update. Been on an intense travel schedule. Yesterday I deleted all the hookup email. 6 years worth of emails, pix, contacts, etc. I wrote the addresses I wanted to save on paper and filed it away at home. Didn't quite get down to 3 or 4, but started with 25 and whittled it down to 8, not sure if I'll even use those. Not now for sure.  Feels like the end of an era.

lyon03

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #72 on: February 22, 2016, 01:54:38 AM »
Well done brother! It's like getting rid of a beloved porn stash. Thanks for sharing. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

Phase2

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #73 on: February 22, 2016, 08:52:21 AM »
Congrats Now-Man!

The further I move away from my pornhead life, the less important those old tricks I had--who I thought were essential--have become. I'm not saying I might not dabble from time to time if I'm visiting their city, but the pedestal that I placed them on, and the obsession, no longer exists. It's actually possible you will never look at or give two-hoots about the emails of that Elite Eight again. So good job! You are moving forward!

PS: can you forward me those eight emails? HAHA, that's a JOKE, goofball!!!!!



thewhitewindow

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Re: Gay guy reboot
« Reply #74 on: February 22, 2016, 11:59:05 AM »
Lol, I have to say...I still miss having hook-up sex.  I do.  Fully admit it.  It's been over three years since I've had sex with someone other than my partner.  I gotta say it's less stressful and less friggin' drama.  Cheap sex in hotel rooms was my crack cocaine in my 20's and 30's.  The debauchery! :(  Bear/chub parties and hotel rooms, been there.  Done that.  Got the t-shirt.  Thanks.

Someone said to me today 'how are you finding the strength to go this long?'.  I said to them very seriously and almost coldly: 'because I never, ever want to be that person I was in my 20's and 30's.' 
« Last Edit: February 22, 2016, 12:30:30 PM by The White Window »