Author Topic: 17 year old porn addict and a straight A student and his struggle of relapse!  (Read 17520 times)

Ikeepmyselfanon

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Thanks man, and yeah man i guess it filled the void for a bit untill i got used to it and it became mundane and boring so my dopamine receptors started bitching again. But yeah porn has left a void and a lot of energy to fill the void, lol the only anxiety i get is when im not doing anything fun. Honestly a new world is opened to you, i feel like a million bucks, i wanna do anything and everything:travel the world, embrace cultures.learn a new language and live with amazonian people just for that badass experience. Kinda thankful about that void because depression only tells me i need to embrace something new   
« Last Edit: November 30, 2014, 07:07:50 PM by Ikeepmyselfanon »

Ikeepmyselfanon

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Is the cup half full or half empty? I see most of the relapse post is 90% negative which is kinda a shame. Not to say that we should not discourage ourself from relapsing, but balance it with positive emotions or vibes. Not to say 82 days is a lot but I have never thought I'd last this long, and I wake up everyday thankful I don't feel depressed or abit fogged out in the brain. I don't know but I think its really helpful to see relapse as a failure after a long/short period of success? That's what really gets me psyched, as after 40 days I was like I have come to far to turn back, and I made everyday count after that. Anyhow that just my thoughts.

My progress is going steady and fantastic, I might be able to lucid dream and I realized I movies that induce porno cause me to have some F**ed up dreams. So I steer clear away from such movies and by learning intentional sexual transmutation, I can now take in the external sexual stimulus in the outside world, like ads and billboards. Nopfap it self roots from ancient ideas on how to harness "sexual energy", as after a few days, instead resorting to release energy through ejaculation or fantasies you begin to release it through exercise, or work etc But yeah might sound mystical but we all felt its effect  ??? Anyhow todays a nice day, the suns out :D and I am not going to stay home and watch porn and lie on my bed a be depressed. Like everyday I make today count  ;D :D  go shopping with friends, go gym,study,party,meditate and anything to amplify my quality of life. After about a month of trying to be positive, I have don't need to try getting rid of negative emotions. Everyday I feel the warm of peoples care and love, lol after 80+ days it feels good to be a normal human being again and appreciate positive emotions :D ;D Peace

Doc Green

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Wow hearing your story is really motivating. A few more days and you will hit 90. That is like a dream for me to hit 90 days no PMO. I feel like my days are numbered by the time I finish my last exam and go home for the Christmas break! All my triggers are at home in the basement where I would Fap my whole damn life. Hopefully I can stay strong until I move back to school because I find it a lot easier being in a new environment surrounded by a bunch of different beautiful women that I would love to be with! I have to stay strong and try to get out of the house as much as I can when I return home. Hopefully by February 23, I will not have relapsed and be 90 days free of PMO! :)

Ikeepmyselfanon

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Thanks dude, nice to hear I'm of some help, and yeah staying at home alone in my room was definitely the worst decision I made in my reboot phase. I have tried staying in front of family and stuff but it doesn't work unless they know about my addiction.(personal experience) You should hit that specific day where the addiction begins to wear off(for me it was 27 days), I call it the sweet spot. But yeah find out what works for you, Good Luck Man
« Last Edit: December 06, 2014, 08:17:20 AM by Ikeepmyselfanon »

Ikeepmyselfanon

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I have been mindful recently of my thoughts and my body. Everyone is bound to get negative emotions. I realized I harbor onto my negative thoughts, but the past few days I visualize a nice stroll on the beach to replace it with, and it works great. This path of self development was a tremendous experience, especially releasing the capabilities that lie within ourselves if we break the barriers society has placed. My porn habit was the crux of my self sabotage, now I have been recovering exponentially and have developed a deep connection with who I am as a person. I am just focusing on self development, and have I developed a lot this year. Its like I am developing my philosophy on how I go about life, and I am learning more about myself and what I can do beyond the false bullshit society feeds me. I'm not enslaved by porn, nor do I waste energy on internet I just do what I love doing. Life's too short to dwindle at home with a laptop and tub of cream, there is soo much out there and so much people to share things with.

Ikeepmyselfanon

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Okay so there is this one girl I regularly have sex with and she began to complain about how I objectify her and show no emotions during intercourse. I don't know about you guys but the only knowledge I have of sex is from porn, and I think this still has a lasting impact on me. I don't know if I'm aggressive or what but I can last long, well not 30mins but depending on how simulated or drunk I can last upto 20-25mins mins and sometimes when I'm sober I bust in 3 mins quite embarrassing. Anyway sex is nothing like the way its shown in porn, and there is a lot of effort. I am struggling to break the conditioning placed by porn, I get no gratification if I don't go fast or do missionary etc I have to impersonate porn techniques to make it feel good. Has anyone else had this experience :/ its ruining my sense of pleasure and a chance of taking it further with this girl- I need help
« Last Edit: December 11, 2014, 04:47:47 AM by Ikeepmyselfanon »

Ikeepmyselfanon

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I have started up meditating and have been taking it quite seriously. I have realized to break the deep conditioning of porn I would have to go deep and be attuned with myself. So anyways I have started experiencing trippy sensations, i.e my body feels distorted sometimes I feel gigantic and sometimes I feel smaller than a needle etc this started to freak me out its like an OBE, I have become more calm and grounded. Its winter now and my energy is on a extreme down low, I assume I have winter blues because this always happens. Anyhow I am starting to realize I need to stop objectifying women, the same way porn does. I see girls as a means to an end, but I do that with everything from my education to my food and lifestyle. Maybe porn has taken a toll on my dopamine receptors and I can not enjoy things unless I gain something, or I have been conditioned to think in certain ways. Quitting porn has turned my life around, but it still has it effects psychologically :/ which is also shown in some of those messed up porno dreams that come randomly. lol I guess I would have to go deep in the rabbit hole, to break the conditioning. On the bright side this makes me immune to the friend zone because I cannot speak to a girl without being sexually implicit, which sometimes allows me to score...aside from girls I feel I'm perfectly normal I am scoring high on tests and I dominate in sports. I just need to work in being more humane to girls...

OSS

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Hey man, huge congrats on 90 days! Sounds like shit's going great for the most part, good job!

I don't have a lot of experience with women so I'm not sure I can help, but I do understand the emotional distance you're describing because I'm the exact same way. Emotionless in the face of intimacy, I had a fuck buddy (even though I had complete PIED lol) for about 6 months on and off. I never once revealed any other emotions to her besides laughter, because I was mainly scared of being judged for having emotions as a male. A good place to start would be to figure out if anything other than your history with porn is influencing this (for example mine stem from parents relationship, insecurity and porn). Try talk to her and ask her to tell you if you're being too aggressive. Maybe you're too focused on other things (making a good impression, not Oing too fast etc) rather than focused on the enjoyment of the act?

Remember these porn pathways are deep and you're new to real physical interaction, it won't happen over night but just like how you reached 90 days no porn you'll eventually reach a place where you're able to have better sex. Take it slow and focus on the enjoyment of it rather than the end result (orgasm, good impressions...)

You could try meditating right before she comes over? This may help lighten your mood and be more in touch with your emotions.
« Last Edit: December 11, 2014, 05:16:10 PM by OSS »

Ikeepmyselfanon

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Hey dude thanks alot i really needed that advice, your right my emotional repression stems from my household i don't want to dwell into those memories but i guess porn was the escape from physical abuse...which kinda explains why i used to always fight in school :/  anyways thats the only bleak moments thankfully but meditation takes me back to childhood moments, and i kinda make peace with myself as weird as that sounds.

I think breaking my porn addiction took me deeper into the ice berg, so i can tackle my psychological issues. I don't masturbate nor watch porn and feel amazing. Also im proud to have come this far i feel like a different person. But your right i haven't even talked to her about it and just realized she has been meaning to address the issue, i will definitely try meditating before i meet her
« Last Edit: December 14, 2014, 12:54:13 PM by Ikeepmyselfanon »

Ikeepmyselfanon

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It is now winter here in England, and the weather literally sucks all the energy out of me. I have been wondering why I have been depressed even though things are going well, but it turns out I can't cope with the cold weather. I am 100% sure I have winter blues, it is kinda depressing, I have no energy and my libido has decreased dramatically. I am now meditating, and trying to workout but my body just wants to go sleep. This is also the season where my immune system goes on a complete down low, so I cannot exhaust myself or I will completely burn out. :/ Usually this time last year, I would be jacking of to porn and sleep throughout the day, which made me sick and feeble for a long time. I need to keep a good diet and regulate my energy.

Apart from the doom and gloom, I am trying to keep positive. At least i can take things slowly and reflect on how far I have come especially in my personal development. Also I am glad this winter I can do other things that stay in my basement and jack of to porn, its holidays now so I really look forward in seeing my family on Christmas ;D Also sleeping in winter times is quite nice and refreshing I feel totally relaxed with no stress on my shoulders. lol just writing this I feel much better, the glass shall stay half full ;) 

OSS

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Goodluck talking to her.

I think you could benefit from vitamin D3 supplementation. Try a 3000-5000IU dose daily (take it mid morning) for a few weeks and see how it goes, it's usually pretty cheap stuff but make sure it's a quality brand. Probably best found on an online supplement store.

Ikeepmyselfanon

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@OSS Thanks dude I'll make sure I try it, but this exercise and meditation is going well. I have noticed if I keep momentum in going out and socializing I lack any depressive withdrawals.

Anyhow I am back in my parents house for a week, and have recalled some memories of my pornographic tendencies. I am laughing at it now, but during those dark times the compulsion was crazy. I have re decorated my room because of the porno atmosphere the room resonated with, however I have the biggest addiction challenge yet in terms of artificial stimulation...Social media and internet movies/t.v shows. Right about now I have spent the entire day on facebook, and watching t.v series which is kinda pathetic realizing I can spend quality time with my family and have old friends to catch up with. So Internet is a huge problem, which is kinda having a physical impact on me now, I feel completely burnt out mentally and thinking is getting foggy and lazy. And there is that huge migraine with a mixture of anxiety whilst on facebook.

I need help limiting my use of the internet, it is impossible for me to go without the internet :/ If I check my facebook 3 times a day 9am,4pm and 10pm, then I shall adapt easier because I am specific about the timings. The duration on facebook, should be about 30mins max I shall have a timer. I will still use my Netflix account, but I shall only watch things during the weekend and max 5 movies and I must go sleep before 12. lol It may seem weird because I am saying this allowed in public, but personally I stick to it if I am specific and when I fell there is an obligation because I told people.  anyways I defiantly feel my dopamine receptors are still screwed up because of porn, and as a result I binge on anything enjoyable from movies to facebook to sleep. this is getting depressing. But if I can get rid of my reliance on artificial stimulation, I should enjoy life more :) peace

OSS

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Glad to hear the exercise and meditation is working.

Big congrats on 100 days! Good shit man

I 100% agree, spending too much time in front of screens in the endless depths of the internet messes with your head pretty significantly. Limiting the amount of times you check facebook is a big challenge, I got rid of the facebook app, messenger app and took my browser off my home screen on my phone so it's not constantly in my face, it did help.

Did you ever have any erection or libido problems?

Ikeepmyselfanon

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@OSS hey thanks man you will definitely reach such apex, anyway I don't think I have erection problems or lack of libido, I definitely know when I was recovering from porn I had premature sperm leakage by thinking about intense F*kd up porn...(dark days) and no real life sexual energy or vitality aka Libido. But now the premature leakage is fixed, but I still have messed up dopamine receptors. I feel like a drug addict that needs meditation and exercise to get a quick fix. This is again fixed around winter depression, but summer time libido sky rockets. Maybe its seasonal effective disorder or my brain is still fixing up- aside from the long ass explanation why do u ask?

-Okay I have decided to give my reboot the whole package, which includes no porn,no masturbation and no internet overdose. My issue lies within my need for a dopamine fix(bro science). Tbh without masturbation I would have never gotten over my porn addiction, but now I need to fix my brains reward circuit. So I am resetting my counter, and if anyone has any information or advice in fixing my brain I am all ears.

OSS

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I was mainly curious to see how much your EQ had improved after 100 days no PMO. Mayb it is seasonal or maybe you may just need more time, especially considering drug addicts can take a full 2 years until they're essentially back to normal. I forgot what this 2 year time span is termed.

Goodluck with the new goals, I think what you're already doing (no M, no P, rewiring, exercise, meditation) is just about everything. The only other thing I could think of would be to cease O even with women for a month or two, but I've never really heard of anyone benefiting from that beyond erection quality issues. So maybe something you could consider in the long run if no M doesn't fix the problem.

Ikeepmyselfanon

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@OSS Yeah EQ in erection quality then yeah definitely I was not ED, but I did sometimes have those leakage with a semi erection if I contemplate porn. So I would say it is a massive improvement. It is just addiction to internet itself is what is holding me back from becoming the best I can be. I am just rewiring my internet dependency to a certain degree. But thanks dude.


So far I have been bored, and suffered some withdrawal from a lack of internet. However I have been observing my self, my emotions and thoughts etc and realized I have totally burnt myself out!! completely! Instead of relaxing I would spend countless hours on those bullshit vines and youtube pranks wishing my life to be better. I have achieved somethings in life, but I can do soo much more. The single thought that makes me even go on the internet is "I need a break" but I don't really take a break. Now I have replaced my "relaxing" habits of sitcoms and facebook to 20 mins of classical music a day, and a whole Saturday off. I have never studied or even had such taste but it feels soo relaxing and I can drift off into another world, so I'd say it is magic.

Eillott Hulse has given me huge insight to my personal development: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7rYTv3Z3f4 -I suggest anyone who wishes to develop themselves check him out

Ikeepmyselfanon

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Merry Christmas Guys, I just wanted to say how cheerful today is :) I have not watched porn in over 100 days, and I can control my self from relying on artificial stimulation. My brain feels kinda clean, and I am feeling much better. I jump out of bed every morning, and make everyday count! My EQ has improved drastically and my energy levels are being restored. Maybe the last piece of the puzzle was my obsessive addiction to artificial stimulation. It has been 4 days without dosing on facebook or online movies, and my memory is re developing and my depression has ceased. I don't know what is happening but I am not complaining lol - Have a nice day everyone :D 

OSS

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More good news man, nice. Do you mean 100% no facebook and movies or a good controlled amount? Amazing that depression has ceased already


Ikeepmyselfanon

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@OSS Thanks man and yeah I mean absolute minimum. But for now I tell my brother to check my facebook lol and I stay away from movies and youtube pranks. I am taking this extreme move mainly because it does not let me get on with my essays and courseworks, and that depression I guess is the regret and stress from constant procrastination. Anyways things are going fantastic.


So what an amazing experience, I wrote a haiku, learnt how to paint met up with old friends. Most importantly I have started to appreciate the company of my female friends. Usually I stick around for sex which is really unhealthy, now I enjoy laughing and fooling around with them. I have never felt this feeling of enjoyment before, I finally enjoy things better than the internet. I live in the moment, and have finally embraced the winter. Because I can only access the internet to study or for research, I have started to meditate more. Usually I meditate 10-15mins a day. However I have started to meditate 60 mins a day and damn was this a huge change in my life. I feel as a gorilla has came of my back, and the color of face is quite vibrant and healthy. I not only feel energized but my anxiety and depression have vanished. I am certain meditation is the fundamental reason why I have developed good will power, and now 1hour of meditation I can't loose track of thoughts, I can change my emotional state with ease. My brain feels like it had a mental orgasm. Also my sleep quality has sky rocketed through the roof. Great experience meditation and exercise, my lethal weapons of awesomeness ;D peace everyone

OSS

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Good to hear you're more able to appreciate female company. If you don't mind me asking, did you try meditate before having sex and if so did you notice a difference?

You just inspired me to start meditating again hahah.

Ikeepmyselfanon

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@OSS unfortunately I have not but it would be quite an experience. However meditation for 30 mins in the morning and I am charged,clear and focused. I can handle stress much much better, however I would say the best moment is sleeping after 30 mins meditation. I kinda lucid dream, but It feels like I have slept in a hot tub for 1,000 years. The amount of emotional baggage dealt with meditation, I feel like a new man everyday. Have fun meditating my friend.

Ikeepmyselfanon

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I have relapsed, but not too hard thankfully. I am not going to say I am disappointed, but lets be real I had it going. However I proud I did not binge, but I do feel the desensitization and the world for a few hours seemed like blur/illusion. I definitely I have made a lot of recovery, however I also know I have not fully recovered. I still have a dysfunctional lymbic system, which is why I had a lot of issues with internet addiction. I have also observed porn strikes at the absolute moment of boredom, and as soon a I think about it the room just lights up. I find this fascinating, I guess it's just dopamine surging. Also I still have my confidence with females, but I got dry humped and I kinda had a half erection with some semen leakage. This means I have erection problems. Lastly I have noticed a huge surge of anxiety coming back, abit like asthma, I feel my lungs restrict and panic... Before this ceased to exist, but now as I meditate I keep the anxiety becoming amplified. I remember couple weeks ago I began to doubt whether porn really caused my anxiety issues. I also read articles about watching porn  in moderation, well I guess its not for me :/ Porn definitely causes me anxiety and other issues.

I am definitely leaving porn for good, I made a promise to my self to never indulge things that hold me back from chasing my dreams. Now I am closer in understanding my own physiology and psychology, I am kinda glad porn contributes to most of these issues so I don't have to go searching far.

OSS

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Good to read you're not too down, you must have been at 110 days or so? Go another 90 and 1 PMO in a period of 200 days will be nothing! Stay vigilant however, the risk of binging is still there but I'm confident you'll be able to control it. I think some degree of limbic dysfunction is almost unavoidable in modern western society with the internet, facebook, fast food, porn, tv etc. however, if you keep these things to a minimum (as you seem to already do) and you engage in exercise and meditation it will put you far ahead of the typical person.

Did you have dry before or after the PMO?

It sounds like you have this process (I say process meaning the understanding on physiology and psychology) under control despite of slip ups which is great!

OSS

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Still going strong bro?

Ikeepmyselfanon

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So far my recovery has been excellent! I feel much better than I did when I was on my 100-120 days of reboot. Why? Because of meditation. I definitely know I have recovered. I don't have internet addiction or compulsions, and porn was just my way of escaping reality. My erections are perfectly fine and I have a deep inner sense of happiness. I used to suffer from depression, because I am really self aware and I began to realize my happiness was superficial. Materialistic pursuits was the only form of "sustenance", not that I don't purse hard in the world, but that inner feeling of emptiness began to become ever so clear. After meditating I have came to an intuitive realization, the only reason why I have compulsive issues with stimulation online be it porn or movies, was because I was distracting myself from the reality of myself. I don't want to go deep and philosophical, but I do think there was an imbalance within myself psychologically and physiologically. Now I give 100% attention and will in everything I do in my work and student life, but I also take a few moments out and notice the intricate design of nature. I sometimes observe the patterns on leaves and sketch out water fountains and ducks in the river. This only takes a 1-2 hours of my time in a week, and it is the most peaceful moments in my life. Surprisingly I am an extrovert, I require people around me to become energized, and alone I become depressed and tired, but personally I do require a balance of inner and outer pleasure and fulfillment.