Author Topic: My story...  (Read 6032 times)

Dimitri

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My story...
« on: March 15, 2014, 09:52:51 PM »
Please bear with me this is a very long article and I need to get it off my chest. Please please please read and reply with some advice and feedback anything will do!  :D


Hello everyone my name is Dimitri. I like most of yourself's here have a bit of problem with porn in my life. I'm 20 turning 21 in a few weeks. I've been addicted to Internet porn since I would think mid 2005 or early 2006. I can't accurately state it's a blur really. Anyway that's a good chunk of my life I've been addicted, and if you want to be technical I've had porn around since 2001.

      I was about 8 when I first saw porn, I would stay up late flicking through channels until I came across a dirty movie. I didn't know how to react to be honest. I knew I shouldn't have been watching it but, I would just sit there and watch. Nothing major would happen but I would get a lil baby erection going. That was about it from there, so I guess you can call that the first strike. These little porn encounters would continue on to well let's say 2005 (age 12).

         Mom goes out and buys high speed internet. You already know from research disaster was bound to happen. I would get on surfing the web for random things until one day I got curious. One of friends had been talking about a web site to go to when my mom was either gone or asleep. Sure enough I did which led ended up in me entering the world of virtual women and nasty deeds. I didn't know about masturbation then I just kept scrolling and scrolling for an hour or two until I got dizzy. That's when I would stop. (Dopamine overdose you can say)?. This continued until mid 2006 until I actually attempted and completed masturbation.
         
         Going into late mid-late 2007, I would constantly watch porn when moms wasn't around. Usually this was the weekend. About once or twice a day I would masturbate to porn. I'd find ways to hide it or store it on my little first generation PSP. This was all during I guess you can say puberty years and all that jazz. My porn consumption didn't escalate until I was 15. Summer of 2008.

        When there was no one in the house I would bing and beat off say 3-5 times a day. Once or twice in the morning, and 3 more times in the evening. I Started feeling the physical effects around this time. Penis would hurt, my grades started suffering, I was unable to talk to any of the girls in my high school, I looked and felt like I was dead all the time. I mean I was drained came the end of the day. I don't think this is normal for 15 year old at all. This continued all through out 2009 aswell.

        Early 2010 I was able to finally ask a my first girlfriend out at age 16. Now during this time period my smut use was at a low due to a broken computer. So I guess I had more energy and confidence to approach her without the low energy and brain fog porn would cause. Though when the porn would return causing  strain on our increasing unhealthy relationship. Not just me but herself as well. (She would show the same signs as an excessive porn user) eventually leading to us breaking up. I had girlfriends come and go, usually due to porn use but.....

     Fast forwarding to late 2012 to mid 2013. I'm at rock creaking bottom at this point. Everyday on my days off, 5 at a time, I would spend just surfing porn and chocking my self in my dark dorm room... I missed out on a great opportunity with a wonderful woman I work with since I'm too busy getting my sexual gratification from a laptop. I was labeled as a creep among some of my peers due to the way I acted. My confidence was low, I'm stuttering all the time, I wasn't respected, my spirits were low, I was extremely depressed, tired all the time, my job performance sucked and I felt like offing myself. %100 complete rock bottom... Until one day in I would say April I came across an article detailing my symptoms. I was a porn addict. I needed to quit.

         Which brings us to our current stage in my story. I've been battling this demon for almost a year with my occasional relapses and streaks (about 6 even). I'm no longer as down, I'm more confident, I'm respected, my job performance is tons better, the stuttering is almost gone, my energy is returning, I'm finally having wets dreams,(yes I know that should've happened at puberty, porn is to thank for that), and I'm not so creepy towards women, In fact I'm actually getting all sorts of positive attention from them!!!. Only down side is that due to porn I'VE NEVER HAD SEX. Yep that's right I'm about to be a 21 year old virgin. Sucks....

        Anyway I've come to this forum asking for very few favors. Help me in my quest to stop a 13 year old addiction, and  help me in my journey to helps others with this, help me become a little more well rounded. Well that's the story!
« Last Edit: March 15, 2014, 09:58:29 PM by Gabe Deem »

Gabe Deem

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Re: My story...
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2014, 10:49:06 PM »
What's up Dimitri,

Quote
my grades started suffering, I was unable to talk to any of the girls in my high school, I looked and felt like I was dead all the time. I mean I was drained came the end of the day

Those are all very common after addiction related brain changes occur with consistent porn use. Porn can cause sexual dysfunctions, but even symptoms like yours (social anxiety, lack of motivation, concentration problems have one thing in common in the brain. All have been associated with altered dopamine signaling in the brain's reward circuitry. Dopamine is the "go get it" neurochemical essential for libido, risk-taking, motivation, focus, and anticipation and cheerfulness.

Staying away from porn and rebooting will more than likely help you in all of these areas as your brain returns to normal and addiction related neural pathways weaken and the desire for porn fades. You have already felt these benefits before so you know that they can come again and may continue to get better the longer you are away from porn.

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I'm no longer as down, I'm more confident, I'm respected, my job performance is tons better, the stuttering is almost gone, my energy is returning, I'm finally having wets dreams,(yes I know that should've happened at puberty, porn is to thank for that), and I'm not so creepy towards women, In fact I'm actually getting all sorts of positive attention from them!

Sounds great man! Keep it up. Use that energy to be productive and fill your time up with healthy activities. I suggest reading this article for a better understanding of how porn can influence your drive for women, as well as all other areas of your life. (Porn, Masturbation and Mojo: A Neuroscience Perspective)
Twitter and Instagram @gabedeem

rainforth13

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Re: My story...
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2014, 11:04:00 PM »
Hi Dimitri, welcome to RN! Thanks for sharing!

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I would stay up late flicking through channels until I came across a dirty movie.

I would do this same thing, surfing channels trying to find a Girls Gone Wild commercial or something to get off to.

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Mom goes out and buys high speed internet. You already know from research disaster was bound to happen.

This is so true for many of us and when high speed internet came out, watch the video on Gabe's story and you'll hear the same thing. Just know that you aren't alone!

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(Dopamine overdose you can say)?

Yes, indeed. Novelty brings shock value which brings about more dopamine.

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I'd find ways to hide it or store it on my little first generation PSP.

This brings back memories. My friends and I did this throughout high school. Something about the fearful hiding of it also makes for more shock but PSPs were as cool as they were dangerous.

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I started feeling the physical effects around this time.

Porn has many harmful effects as you are experiencing several of these: brain fog, anti-social, drained, etc. so don't think this is abnormal. You seem to be aware of these and that fact which is a good sign!

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%100 complete rock bottom...

Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom in order to have something to push back up from. I know you've been battling back and forth for the last couple of years but stay strong. Know it isn't the end of the world if you relapse but to learn from and keep pressing on!

This is a good quote from Jim Rohn: “We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.”

So continue to keep putting in the work and consistency will follow!

And one last thing, don't be upset that you are still a virgin. I wish I was still one honestly and there is no shame in being one. Save yourself for your wife! What an awesome thing to be able to say to her if you do.


Dimitri

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Re: My story...
« Reply #3 on: March 19, 2014, 12:49:30 PM »

Quote

And one last thing, don't be upset that you are still a virgin. I wish I was still one honestly and there is no shame in being one. Save yourself for your wife! What an awesome thing to be able to say to her if you do.

Eh man I try to keep this in mind time to time. But I keep thinking if not now then...when? And when I do what will that "lucky" girl think when I tell her or try to play it off like I'm not one when the time comes. Idk I guess it's today's mentality on sex that's getting to me. It's everywhere, everyone is talking it etc. Shit sex really does sell huh?

rainforth13

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Re: My story...
« Reply #4 on: March 19, 2014, 11:13:59 PM »
Yes it does sell and it is everywhere. I think a girl's response to you telling her you are a virgin is going to make it very evident to you of what kind of girl she is. It really is a good thing man. No need to lie about it or play it off.

Dimitri

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Re: My story...
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2014, 03:02:10 PM »
Thank you man, I just feel like I needed to prepare myself for the little initial embarrassment or her reaction whenever that time comes.

rainforth13

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Re: My story...
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2014, 07:57:29 PM »
I hear ya. I have a similar fear with telling the next girl in a serious relationship that I have broken off two engagements but I can't think of that now because it doesn't do me any good. And when the time comes, she will react and her true colors about me will be revealed. Yes, there could be some difficulty there but I know they will accept and move forward or not and it will be done. Obviously the latter would suck and hurt but why would I want to be with someone who doesn't accept all of me including my past and my mistakes? The same goes for you except yours is truly a good thing. If I'm a girl (or a guy), I want to hear that. So no need to worry about it now.

somethingelse

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Re: My story...
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2014, 09:01:52 PM »
Dimitri, i'm 20, also a virgin. I think being a virgin is a blessing for the reasons rainforth identified. I had this conversation once upon a time with a mate, who did not mind girls that had slept with copious amount of guys. To me, I have deep respect for a girl who can say she is a virgin, a guy too. You don't have to be spiritual, to see the romantic side of it, you saved yourself (hopefully) for your one and true love, your wife.

I'm shocked that you could be embarrassed, virginity requires discipline, in modern times promiscuity is becoming the norm. I've had those opportunities to be loose but I could envision myself feeling only worthless thereafter. In secondary school, there were those girls, I'm sure you'd be familiar with the type who have like a new boyfriend every week/month, that bf sleeps with them then leaves them because they did not respect the sanctity of their body, so they end up sleeping in more beds than international businessmen(or businesswomen).

Those guys are just as pathetic, if not, a lot more, they see it as being 'cool' or a 'pimp' or whatever but they usually feel empty. They get that same feeling we get after watching porn, such as detachment, sexualising women and no matter how many videos we watched and in their case, women they've slept with, respectively, each of us would be singular as ultimately we're never satisfied by lust but only by love.

Be Well Man




Dimitri

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Re: My story...
« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2014, 10:56:44 PM »
Embarrassed a bit yes, I'm in a environment (Air Force) where almost everyday it's I smashed this woman and that woman etc. Doesn't help I'm a black guy either lol. Ya know from a stereotype-typical perspective. Among my friends I'm that one undercover virgin hahaha. But anyway you've both helped me a little on this subject. Now do you have any opinions from women on the whole V topic?. And to be honest I'm just trying to get to the point where I can live porn free. You know like a compare and contrast of my life before and after a COMPLETE reboot. Also what would you define as a complete reboot?

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Re: My story...
« Reply #9 on: March 22, 2014, 03:16:15 AM »
Dimitri,

Your story is true for so many of us.

Man, try not to feel embarrassed about being a virgin. I was 22 before I lost mine, and it was with my now-wife, so we've both only been with each other, and we're so happy for it now. As far as a woman's perspective goes, coming from things I've heard my wife say, girls today would be thrilled to hear that. Society has tried to make it seem normal to have multiple partners, but it leaves out the pain, heartache, and destruction that more often than not comes with it. Trust me. You're doing the right thing. Stay strong, and thank you for your service in the Air Force.

Also, I think the definition if a complete reboot is a little different for everybody. To be honest, I don't even know my own.

Dimitri

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Re: My story...
« Reply #10 on: March 22, 2014, 11:11:13 PM »
Honestly,somethingelse, I never thought of it like that as far as having multiple sex partners. You would think you wouldn't get the same effects of a pmo session when you do it with multiple women. Can someone explain?. Also I really wouldn't expect that type of response d2222, but that's kind of reassuring so thanks for that one man. I guess for now I just have to coast on with the reboot till my time comes then huh?!. As far as service goes,you can say its in my blood lol but no prob man thanks for the support.

d2222

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Re: My story...
« Reply #11 on: March 23, 2014, 06:23:25 AM »
I guess one other thing I was thinking about, but didn't write in my earlier post is that I kind of suspect that had I started having sex in high school (like a lot of other guys I knew), I really think I would've ended up having many partners up to meeting my wife. Not that I'm saying there's anything wrong with that. I just think knowing now that I'm a porn-addict, I really think I could have been a sex addict, too. Maybe that lifestyle would've prevented anything from starting with my wife?... I'll never know for sure.

IMHO, I think it's a good thing that you're still a virgin now. Once you get PMO under control for good, you'll also meet the right girl and move into a "regular" sex life, if that makes sense.

Just a thought...

somethingelse

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Re: My story...
« Reply #12 on: March 23, 2014, 11:25:44 PM »
Honestly,somethingelse, I never thought of it like that as far as having multiple sex partners. You would think you wouldn't get the same effects of a pmo session when you do it with multiple women. Can someone explain?. Also I really wouldn't expect that type of response d2222, but that's kind of reassuring so thanks for that one man. I guess for now I just have to coast on with the reboot till my time comes then huh?!. As far as service goes,you can say its in my blood lol but no prob man thanks for the support.

Hey Dimitri, believe me, me either, but I'll try my best to explain. Especially with those women who are promiscuous/ prostitutes/ become p actresses, you have to feel for them, usually if you check out case studies a substantial amount were molested as children/ sexually abused. I could recall one example in Breaking porn addiction by George Collins (would recommend). In the book the prostitute who is picked up clearly utters that she 'hates men' and reflects on how her father took advantage of her and her sister.

With men, we're no different than women. In life we can 'act out' or overcompensate for certain shortcomings. People may relentlessy pursue sex to feel validated, for peer pressure, for experiments. All in all, such reasons cause a conflict internally because sex becomes impersonal and done for reasons that are at discord with our own. These people can become 'sex' addicts much like how we became p addicts and dangerously act out like how we do with m'ing to p.

In our example, through yourbrainonporn.com the Coolidge effect, our brain actually assumes that it is feritlising the girl on the screen. As humans (male and female alike) we have an innate need to seek out novelty. We could watch an almost innumerable amount of women and wack off to them, however if you place the same woman, we usually tire of her. As such with porn our tolerance builds up and we seek a variety of women and sometimes more graphic and hardcore p.

We are never satisfied, thus sex addicts and p addicts are similar insofar as the word 'addiction' implies; defined as 'the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.' Usually we do this, despite knowing the adverse consequences.

I'd recommend reading up everything you can on ybop man. You're a virgin, be happy your clean as a whistle, definitely no stds. Don't judge yourself by societies standards, remember society wants us all high on p and m and see's nothing wrong with the two, break from the herd man, you're doing great.

If you ever need anything, i'm just a pm away brother.

Peace!

Dimitri

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Re: My story...
« Reply #13 on: March 23, 2014, 11:34:34 PM »
Well now somethingelse, thank you for breaking it down that last post pretty much summed up any questions I had left. As for the topic of being a V? Well patience in everything right? First step is to break the addiction then the other thing can later right?

somethingelse

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Re: My story...
« Reply #14 on: March 24, 2014, 12:08:02 AM »
Glad I could help. As for your last q, definitely man, you'll find out plenty about yourself, you never actually knew as you reboot. You'll get the other thing...we always do.

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Re: My story...
« Reply #15 on: March 24, 2014, 12:19:56 AM »
Thanks for sharing your story with us Dimitri. I wish I had the sense to do this at your age, so props to you.

Don't get too hung up about sex, or being a virgin or not. somethingelse said it really well, society now is just so constantly bombarded by sex in so many ways, explicitly or implicitly, that we somehow have unwritten "rules" about when one should have sex or not, or what's right or wrong about sex in our lives.

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Well patience in everything right? First step is to break the addiction then the other thing can later right?

That is exactly right. Don't get too hung up about what could have been. Now that you're rebooting, you're opening yourself up to all kinds of new possibilities instead of floundering in a predictable vicious cycle.
Allow me to remind myself, I'm a recovering addict.

rainforth13

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Re: My story...
« Reply #16 on: March 24, 2014, 11:03:18 PM »
Right on guys. Good input somethingelse, d2222 and jms42!

Dimitri,

Thanks for your service in the Air Force!

To further answer your question about how to know when you've hit a complete reboot: By definition, reboot is a complete rest from artificial sexual stimulation. The definition of addiction, per somethingelse's post, is 'the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.' I would then combine the two and in short say you have rested from pmo-ing to such a point where you are no longer enslaved to pmo-ing. I don't know that anyone can actually quantify that though i.e. it happened at this specific time, although some people can quit cold turkey, but for most of us it is a process of taking steps towards that point and eventually looking back and realizing the amount of rest that has transpired and the freedom that you are living out of. Hope that makes some sense!

Keep questions and comments going, proud of you for sharing.

Dimitri

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Re: My story...
« Reply #17 on: March 24, 2014, 11:55:12 PM »
It's no prob rainforth13, military service is in my blood! Thanks for the support! But seriously all of you guys have been an uber help to my cause and everyone else that have read or have their own situation. Now do you you have anything about the life after a reboot? What does day 90 and 120 feel like? What can some of y'all say about your social environment compared to when you would pmo all the time?. Just a few last thoughts of mine really. Also while rebooting have any of you thought about cold showers? Those freaking help!

HowElse

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Re: My story...
« Reply #18 on: March 25, 2014, 03:21:11 PM »
Hey man, just wanted to chime in because I really feel your story. I "only" lost my virginity at 22 and I felt for so long that there was something wrong with me because I was good looking, smart, all that and yet it just didn't happen. It's really all about confidence and standards and yes porn does wreck it a lot but you're super young and already recovering so you're doing everything right.

You have all this time ahead of you, just fast forward a few years and think of how high your value will be because you don't have some shitty history and because you'll be a pro at self improvement and mindful of how important health is. It's so damn silly but it took me years to realize that all those dudes that talk so much about their conquests are the ones with the most insecure egos. 99% of those stories didn't even happen as described. You just have to have faith that the good stuff will come, it's very hard but it's the only way forward.

Dimitri

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Re: My story...
« Reply #19 on: March 25, 2014, 11:56:39 PM »
HowElse,
 
           Confidence and standards man? I don't know what it is but it seems lately I've been getting all types of attention from the opposite sex when I'm not even trying. have you noticed anything like this or no? It could possibly be because of the fact I don't look like a creep nowadays??????? And the sucky part is I don't even know how to move those sort of situations in my favor. Eh oh well, anyway I will take you words of wisdom. Which is pretty much the philosophy of "wait to recover and then reap the benefits"?

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Re: My story...
« Reply #20 on: March 26, 2014, 01:22:44 AM »
Hey Dimitri, if it makes you feel any better, I'm 23 and I'm still a virgin. It'll happen one day I'm sure - just got to put it in perspective. I know there are people out there way older than us who are still virgins unintentionally. Heck, we're still pretty damn young. :D

Good luck man. I know you can do it.

Dimitri

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Re: My story...
« Reply #21 on: March 28, 2014, 09:56:50 PM »
To all who've chimed in or will,

I guess I took my first step(s) toward an actual and healthy sex life/ plus to rebooting. Yesterday while I was at the gym as usual, and one of my coworkers came up to me talking about some random stuff. Long story short she had a friend with her that kept looking at me. I without hesitation said a random thing to get her involved and talking. No number it's just the fact I actually wasn't held back by porn fog or nervousness on wether she'd sleep with me. Another situation that occurred in the same place yesterday evening, I was somewhat able to stop a woman I worked out with earlier and talked to her a little bit about actually working out again with her. You know not overwhelming both the first meeting as to not make things weird, and again I didn't ask for a number.The purpose of this rambling is purely to show that cutting porn from your life will make you not view women as objects. So when you do talk or have a chance encounter you won't spazz or look creepy.