Here to save my life

[CharlesM]

Hi everyone. I have joined this forum after being many years of NoFap. I joined that site on 27th June 2012 and had various accounts there, since with every new one it felt like a fresh start with a new streak.

I apologise beforehand, this is going to be a long post, but I feel it is necessary

Brief personal background: I am 24 year old male at the time of writing. I'm still a student but my motivation to finish school is a whole another thing which I may get into later. One could say I run a business of repairing and upgrading Apple computers and all around that, so I spend a lot of time behind them, alone and oftentimes unnecessarily wasting time. I live in Prague, Czech Republic.

My history and relation with porn:

I discovered the first porn magazine when I was 5. I was immediately fascinated by it. It was at our cottage and my 3 year old sister was there with me as well and saw it all. My uncle noticed me looking at it and didn't really find it troubling. Then our father came and took it from us.

Between ages 8 and 12, I was interested in sex more than I should have been. I must have acquired at least 3 different porn magazines during that period. I still didn't know how to masturbate. I was aroused visually and just in my mind and that was enough for me. During that period, I would also write some sex stories.

But hey, I don't want to make the situation seem all bleak. I was quite a normal kid, still, although in a divorced family. I loved to draw and would spend hours doing it. I also got into Swimming and my mother signed me up for extra english classes. Things around sex were still only 0.5% of my time and attention at most. I would start playing video games at this time but I guess that's a whole other topic.

Things started to go more towards porn at the age of 12-14. We didn't have a computer at home xet, and I didn't have any device apart from my Playstation 2 and my Nokia 3510i phone. Looking for sex on that phone was terrible and didn't really work.

So this is where internet porn enters the scene

I started going to my father's office, where I would usually go after school. He had a lot of computers connected to internet in another room and he would just leave me there while he did his work. He caught me a couple of times, but I managed to hide it all, but I know for certain he had an idea what I was doing, and he didn't really try to prevent me from doing that. Instead he said something like "You can do whatever you want when you are 18. This stuff is not for you yet". He had no idea about the possible severity of the problem, but I don't blame him. As we all know, people in this world are still not aware, or are ignorant of porn addiction.

I did this for about 2 years. When I was about 14, we finally got a computer at home and I would start watching porn on it, even while everyone was at home! However, I didn't have access to the computer at all times so I would print porn. However, I figured I needed another solution because my mother and step-father were mad about all the used up ink the printer and had no idea where it all went. I ended up saving some money and I bought myself a PSP (playstation portable). Watching porn on that thing was hell of a process but I had no other way when it was 9 in the evening.

When I was 15-16, I got my first computer. It was an old Power Macintosh G3 Tower and it was the slowest thing on the planet. I remember setting up the alarm clock at 2 AM in the morning and stealing the router from my mother's room while she was asleep. I got caught several times, ruining my whole plan. But If I succeeded, I would watch porn until 6AM in the morning. I would then go to school, completely tired of course.

Not too long after this period, maybe 4 or 5 months, I would get my first laptop. It was the first Core 2 Duo Macbook from 2006. We didn't have a WiFi at home, so I convinced our neighbour to share his WiFi password with me. Things started to go really downhill with me.

So, I was still 15 or 16. I watched porn every day and masturbate to it if I had a chance. I also played World of Warcraft a lot. My grades in school were appalling and I was on the verge of being kicked out. I was a mess. I also remember being quite aggressive towards most people, especially my mother. I also remember I started smoking more at that time. I smoked since I was 14 but not too often.

A year later, when I was 17, but almost 18, my father bought me a unibody 17" Macbook Pro. Why am I saying that? My gaming got a whole new level and I could watch porn in full HD. However, some good things happened. I decided to stop smoking on April 9 2009 and I do not smoke anymore to this day. Also, I got into working out and eating more. At first, I would only gain weight, going from skinny to large, a difference of 18 kilograms in under 3 months. It was a big change and it brought some confidence.

However, that didn't help with my grades at school. I failed 5 or 6 subjects that year, but I got a chance to repeat the year.

In the year 2010 a breaking point came. I think it was April 18 when I made a journal entry where I began to question the usage of porn. I thought I would try and stop, but I didn't take it seriously and gave up pretty soon.

At this point, feelings of shame and guilt became a regular thing after every porn session.

in the year 2011, I got myself a first girlfriend. While not so important in itself, I have to say in retrospect my visions and ideals were skewed by all these years of Pornography. I already knew at that time porn was harmful to me. I even told my girlfriend. I tried to stop but I failed miserably. She broke up with me after 6 months. Then, I decided it was time to quit porn, but I have only lasted 15 days.

Fast forward a year later, I am back with the same girl and I promise her to put an end to my addiction. I join NoFap, as I said previously on June 27 2012. I make it to 23 days, but the rest of the summer was a struggle. After the summer holiday, we break up (we both knew it would happen). She moves to Glasgow in UK and I move to Stockholm in Sweden. I struggle with my porn addiction. I spend a lot of time on NoFap figuring out how to stop watching porn. my streaks get more consistent. I can easily make it to 7-12 days and consequently, but I still wasn't satisfied.

The Year 2013! In February, I enter a period of my life that is all about self-development. I make it to 51 days without PMO, but still peeked at P now and then. I make a habit out of reading books, learning a language, going to a gym, waking up reasonably early, eating more healthy, not biting my nails and whole bunch of other positive stuff. I use chains.cc to track my progress and I'm happier with myself than ever. However, my grandfather dies, I relapse short after that and it's quite a struggle to get back on the track. I get back to Czech Republic in June. I meet my ex-girlfriend and she tells me my porn addiction had hurt her a lot. I decide that enough is enough and I commence a streak that lasted 30 days. Absolutely no porn during this period, not even peeking one bit.

However, I relapse on July 21 2013 and let's just say it has been a struggle since then because this post is getting too long. Since then, I didn't get a streak longer than 15 days so that's why my counter says I want to reach that day. In short, I got another girlfriend, 3 years older than me who I manage to hurt with my porn addiction. She broke up with me 3 months ago in August 2015. Porn definitely played a big role in that, and I hope to expand on it later. Apart from that, life got more real and I really worry about where it is all going with me.

Current state of affairs:

Right now, I feel depressed. I want to turn my life around. I need to, in order to save it. Otherwise I am doomed. I wish I could take some time off to really focus on this, but I feel I have too many responsibilities and taking it easier, even temporarily would cost me my customers and what not. I need to handle this somehow. I guess I took a step in the right direction when I scheduled my first consulting with a sexologist / therapist, but the date is January 27 2016.

I hope to update my journal in more detail. Sorry if it got a little bit disorganised by the end. This thing took me more than an hour to write, but I'm glad I did it since that alone already feels good. It made me realise a lot of things and I still think I should delve deeper in order to really grasp the source of the problem.

stay strong everyone

Charles

[Hablablos]

Hello Charles and welcome to RebootNation.

I'd like to ask if you are still doing the self-developing activities and if so, how often?

Also don't be affraid to tell us the rest of the story, because when you say it, it will help you and you may realize another things. Great step is consultation with therapist, but you might have to educate him first. Pochybuju, že by o tom v Česku někdo nějak zvlášť věděl.

Don't worry, you will find a way how to beat this.

[CharlesM]

Thanks for your reply Hablablos! The fact that it was you who first commented will be lasered to my mind for eternity. =)

Now, I am going to do the same. It's important that we all encourage each other

I'd like to ask if you are still doing the self-developing activities and if so, how often?

Let's say I tried to get back to quite a number of them, but I couldn't keep it rolling. So here's what I'm trying to do on regular basis

- Swimming
- Doing 200 pushups a day
- Wake up at 6:00 in the morning every day
- Read something every day. I didn't read a whole book in about 3 years.

Not much yet. But I'll add more to my plate. I have learned one thing. The habit of staying clean from porn and masturbation acts like a pillar / foundation for my other habits. The longer I stay clean, the more I am motivated to do more and add more habits.

Pochybuju, že by o tom v Česku někdo nějak zvlášť věděl.

That's exactly what I thought, until recently. I dreaded going to any psychiatrist here in Czech Republic and discuss this problem. I had a gut feeling they would just diminish Pornography addiction to some overthinked, non-existent phenomenon.

So what changed my mind? This article:http://relax.lidovky.cz/holky-na-lovu-kluci-u-porna-pribyva-muzu-kteri-nestoji-o-sex-rika-sexuolozka-1s8-/zajimavosti.aspx?c=A151107_111618_ln-zajimavosti_mct

I think it should be possible to translate that page somehow if you are using Google Chrome. I called the interviewed person office immediately and scheduled a first possible meeting


---

Anyway. Today I have spent a lot of time thinking. I was thinking about all the time I have wasted. All the potential I had, things I could do and yes, the girls I could have had and the opportunities I didn't take advantage of that were there to make a connection with them. I don't want to beat myself over all this too much, but it is necessary now to take serious action and make myself go in the right directiom, whatever that is.

I want to believe I still have enough time to fix myself. I want to feel like my life is not going to be messed up one day.

[Hablablos]

The fact that it was you who first commented will be lasered to my mind for eternity. =)

Now you scare me . Nevertheless I recommend you to start with book named Konec prokratistinace (still don't know if it's translated to English, so other option is The Slight Edge). It's a small book and quite readable. You can start by reading 10 pages and than another 10 next day. There are also many practical tips, which I used on my own and I'm sure it also helped me a lot.

Anyway. Today I have spent a lot of time thinking. I was thinking about all the time I have wasted. All the potential I had, things I could do and yes, the girls I could have had and the opportunities I didn't take advantage of that were there to make a connection with them. I don't want to beat myself over all this too much, but it is necessary now to take serious action and make myself go in the right directiom, whatever that is.

Don't overdo it much. We all make mistakes, but the important thing is to learn from those experiences. You still have a lot of time, it's up to you how you decide to use it.

[CharlesM]

I recommend you to start with book named Konec prokratistinace (still don't know if it's translated to English, so other option is The Slight Edge). It's a small book and quite readable. You can start by reading 10 pages and than another 10 next day. There are also many practical tips, which I used on my own and I'm sure it also helped me a lot.

Where are you from anyway that you know what book? I'm going to give that book a try

I have read few pages of Slight Edge. It was recommended a lot on the yourbrainrebalanced forum as far as I remember. I will give it 30 minutes a day, which should equal to about 10 pages. I'm a very slow reader

Update: Day 2

I have a feeling time is running really slow. It feels like a week already but it has only been not even 3 days since my last PMO session, which left me feeling really miserable. On that day, I have actually relapsed twice.

For me, the most important thing now is to regain self-belief with all this. I have promised myself many times never to watch again only to betray myself the same day or few days later. I would feel such a resolve only for it to collapse shortly after. So as a result, I felt "How can I even believe myself anymore?".

I want to fix that. I want to believe in myself once again. I want to feel and believe that I can surmount all the obstacles in my path in order to overcome this addiction. I remember feeling miserable in the past, having urges and all that, but it felt great walking away from them, which is something I have to teach myself again. However, I can't be walking away from them forever and ignoring them. That would mean I am ignoring my completely natural desire to be sexual with women. I have to act on that desire and fulfil it, in a healthy way, where no-one is hurt or feels guilty.

I used to feel guilty sometimes after having sex with my ex-girlfriend. I no longer want that feeling with any other girl in my life, so I'm here to work on a change.

[Hablablos]

I thought that should be clear at this moment. I'm from the same country as you are.  Last couple of months I've been reading a few self-improvement books, because I wanted an another view on a few things. So I probably can recommend a few. But I have to ask, if you will read both, The Slight Edge and Konec prokrastinace, could you tell me then which one in your opinion was better?

EDIT: Nevermind, I found The Slight Edge on the internet .

[CharlesM]

I thought that should be clear at this moment. I'm from the same country as you are. 

Sometimes it takes me a while to realise things =) For a moment I thought you were just an english speaking person who used to live in Czech Rebpublic or something, but after reading your journal, everything was clear!

Update:

Bad news. I have relapsed and could probably blame it on yesterday. I may get back to it in the future and explain what happened, but now is simply not the time and I also mean that literally. It's almost midnight in here and I'm pretty tired.

However, I thought making a Journal entry after few days of silence was crucial now, so here I am. I have reached 6 days before I have relapsed.

There are some challenges I have to face and goals I want to/need to/should fulfil otherwise I feel like it will be incredibly hard to stand on my feet.


Challenges

1) I don't want to go into detail with this or discuss this, but I finally need to admit to myself and to others that I don't have much motivation to finish a university at this point in my life or maybe ever. Make myself finally comfortable with this agreement with myself and break free from the expectations of my parents. This will be a tough break for them and it will mean I will have to work ten times harder in terms of my work. which leads me to my second challenge.

2) Decide where my business and professional life is going. I do not want to remain as a " computer technician" for the rest of my life or as someone who "repairs computers" or be known as someone who's an "IT guy". I do have a passion for these things but it was always a hobby in my free time that turned into a business that I still practice in my free time. However, now I either take it to the next level and aspire to really compete in this market which would probably bring about hiring employees.

All in all, I know I want to do something where I can express myself, where I can create something. Maybe I am going to explain in the future in detail. I just have to work with who I am, and I need to exploit my qualities, make a business out of my life so to speak

Goals

In progress so far:

1) Stopped biting my nails 7 days ago and doing quite well. That's probably my second worst bad habit and it is paramount I get rid of it for good. I already did once, so how hard can it be? (Mark Twain joke)

2) Started taking cold showers consistently again and I'm at 7 days now.

To commence:

1) Start reading and finish all the books I have bought. Get into reading daily for at least 30 minutes. Find the time for it. Take as much as I can from them and then donate them

2) Wake up early every day. This habit worked well for me in the past. The time in the morning is precious since nobody bothers you and you can simply focus on stuff that you otherwise wouldn't focus on later in the day

3) Swim 3 times a week and also work out in the gym 3 times a week. This was also manageable in the past and worked well. However, swimming is now pretty necessary since I feel like I may have problems with my back

4) Start learning a language again: Same, it worked great for me in the past, especially when I lived in Sweden. I should find at least 20 to 30 minutes a day to spend on this. It's a great to practice a brain. I used to learn Swedish, Danish and Russian in the past and just gave it all up

5) Do some more stuff for my brain. I have a lot of progress in my Khan Academy account. My goal was to reach 1,000,000 points in my Maths class, but I didn't quite work out. I'm at roughly 384,000 points but I have to admit it's pretty easy to get to the first 250,000.

I shall report soon again, but before I go I should also mention that I am now seeing a girl, who is 29, almost 30 while I'm 24. I have no idea where it is going with her. We didn't have sex yet and I shouldn't really get attached to the idea or worse, expecting to have sex with her. I shouldn't fixate on any outcome and just see what happens. Of course, I will do what I can to make things happen but I will be ok if it doesn't work out the way I want. It would only mean it wasn't meant to be, and that's a good thing. I am seeing her in two days and will probably sleep over at the place although it's about time she slept over at mine lol.

In any case, here goes day 1 again! =)

Thanks for reading and stay strong everyone! I hope to read some other people's journals and give them some helpful comments.

Cheers

~Charles

[Hablablos]

Hello Charles,

mind if I ask what revealed myself? I'm just curious . Also you don't have to be mad at yourself, because every day you stay away from P counts.

1) I don't want to go into detail with this or discuss this, but I finally need to admit to myself and to others that I don't have much motivation to finish a university at this point in my life or maybe ever. Make myself finally comfortable with this agreement with myself and break free from the expectations of my parents. This will be a tough break for them and it will mean I will have to work ten times harder in terms of my work.

I won't be convincing you from doing otherwise, because I did the same thing. Thanks to porn addiction I know what was wrong with me, so if I would go to university now, I would probably succeed. But I don't need any of that and I don't believe that some title in front of my name would mean any help. It's just czech people in general believe.

For your goals I can only say: Keep going!

If you need somebody to talk to, you can write to me. Just want you to know.

Good luck on your journey.

[CharlesM]

mind if I ask what revealed myself? I'm just curious . Also you don't have to be mad at yourself, because every day you stay away from P counts.

Well, you revealed yourself =) It just all made sense when you mentioned in your post that English is not your first language.

However, I can tell you that your English has improved a lot since your first post!


Right Now

I am at day 1 again. However, I have to say I am doing very well regarding my other habits despite the fact that I have just relapsed.

I always felt that NoFap acted like a "Pillar Habit" that I had to keep up in order prevent other habits from Collapsing. I am glad it is not the case anymore

I simply reject to be brought down on my knees completely

[Hablablos]

Hi Charles,

how are you doing? Are you feeling any better?