Author Topic: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom  (Read 2589 times)

hershey1989

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My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« on: November 08, 2015, 05:03:31 PM »
I'm going to start keeping a journal because my porn behavior is really getting out of control and I feel this forum is really great as people who are experiencing a similar problem get to help each other out.

I won't count today as I already watched porn but I shall start from tomorrow.


AgnitioSano

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2015, 05:42:22 PM »
Welcome my brother, today may have not been your best day but every hour after you made the discision to quit is one hour closer to the goal.  It will be one day at a time, but we are all in this fight together.  I'll be praying for you.

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2015, 01:21:00 PM »
Thanks man, adnitiosano.  I would appreciate that and I pray for all the folks going through this struggle on this forum.

Today (so far) has been fine.  I think I've been able to understand some of my triggers (even something as stupid as watching pretty girls in a normal TV show on youtube is a tough trigger.)

I can only count this day once it's past 12 AM. 4 more hours, hope I can make it past the first day.

p.s. I'm doing a no porn + no fap program (to reboot my system in general).  I don't know how many of you folks are doing the same are doing that but damn, it's hard for me even when I go on w/o fapping for a day.  I will nevertheless go ahead and see how far I can last in this program.

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #3 on: November 10, 2015, 03:52:19 PM »
So far so good. 2 more hours to go before the 2nd day gets over.

On a side note, I've been having so much work related stress (of finding a job) that I feel like numbing such emotions with porn like I had done in the past.  But I'm going to resist that.

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2015, 10:08:08 AM »
Yesterday was great.  Went out with friends and got drunk but I was glad I didn't watch porn coz I usually tend to when I'm drunk.

3 days done. on 4th day.

I feel like a lot of my addiction stemmed from my not being preoccupied or when I was feeling down.  I even used it when I was happy which was weird.  It basically became a crutch to numb every emotion I possible experienced.

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2015, 07:48:36 PM »
Didn't log in yesterday but it was another day of success. Loved these two quotes and I'm going to be posting similar quotes coz they can really help get through the day sometimes.

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

My motivation is tomorrow, just one day at a time, right?
Rafael Nadal


freedom2015

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #6 on: November 14, 2015, 09:38:41 PM »
Hey Hershey, I was reading your log entries, and I noticed you have similar triggers to me.  I swear it is so frustrating to be watching a simple youtube video or tv show and feel like it is triggering your want to watch porn and masturbate.  When I was younger, I actually used tv show actresses as material for masturbation, so I suppose it may just be that we see pretty people and relate that to porn. 

Another really interesting and similar thing we share is the use of porn to deal with all emotions.  When I was happy, sad, frustrated, excited, anxious, proud, and the list goes on, I would always feel like using porn to masturbate and orgasm.  I was really bad about doing this when I got home from work or school because it cleared my mind and released the physical tensions. Anyways, I hope you have success with your reboot, and I encourage you to think about what you are going to search for on youtube prior to getting on there.  I noticed if i get on youtube for one thing it will lead to another 5 things and then i'm looking at half nude chicks on youbube sadly.  Speak to you soon friend, stay strong. 

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2015, 06:38:24 PM »
Thanks man freedom2015, yeah I have to watch out for youtube coz you can easily get distracted and end up watching the video you least expected or wanted.

Anyways, 8 days done now and still free. I did get together with a girl but we mostly made out, so my no fap plan is also still intact.  I have a strange discomfort in my balls every since I've started this nofap, like they're heavier.  Will still stick to the plan.

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #8 on: November 16, 2015, 08:53:43 PM »
9th day done. I've started experiencing insomnia and I don't know if it's because of my messed up sleep timings last weekend or due to this no fap or a combination of both.

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #9 on: November 17, 2015, 07:09:48 PM »
10th day done. I must admit, I am so tempted but I'm trying to stay strong.  Went out with a few friends for drinks and sheesha later on.  Got back, and then I got that urge to watch porn again.  I'll just go to bed now before it becomes harder.

Any one out there who can let me know if you've had similar urges after the 1st week? Do the urges get worse in the 2nd week?

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #10 on: November 18, 2015, 05:36:19 PM »
11th day almost done (half an hour to go). Did have foreplay with a girl I've been seeing for a week or two now.  Still didn't get to the sex bit but that'll most likely change in two days coz we're going rather fast.  I think sex should be fine and I don't think I'll count that as fapping.

Can't hait to hit the 15 day mark (2 weeks) and then eventually the 30th day mark.

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #11 on: November 19, 2015, 06:11:50 PM »
12th day of nofap done.

The insomnia I'm experiencing is certainly not getting any better.  Tomorrow is sex day for me, so I'll count that day out of the nofap routine.

I definitely am starting to feel my voice become deeper than it already is and I'm developing a more confident swagger now that I waxed and waned when I was addicted to porn.

Feels great!

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #12 on: November 21, 2015, 01:14:59 PM »
Had a relapse.  Sucks big time  :( :( :( :(

Will have to start over again.

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #13 on: November 22, 2015, 06:00:40 PM »
I don't get it. I relapsed for the 2nd time in a row within a day.  How do you guys deal with this? It feels like crap going through this coz I seem to be repeating my olden cycles of (porn-fap-break) x repeat mode

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #14 on: November 23, 2015, 06:38:49 PM »
Started again.  Lets see how long this streak lasts.

freedom2015

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #15 on: November 24, 2015, 06:21:00 PM »
Hey bud, I see that you relapsed, but I am so glad you are still on the site and are doing journal entries.  Yeah I understand what you mean about how frustrating it is to make it for a period of time and then end up looking at porn.  I used to go about 3-4 days between porn and masturbating. When I would watch porn, I would binge watch it for as long as humanly possible.  It was soo frustrating to feel good about making it for a few days and then failing miserably.  I am here to tell you, that you will not and cannot be perfect, but you have got to get some emergency responses in place for when you start sliding down that path of looking at porn.  As an example, when I start to feel like I am having a really big urge to view porn, I immediately email my counselor.  He may not respond immediately or even that day, but the simple act of telling someone "man i'm feeling some big urges to look at porn or masturbate" does a lot to denture you. Another example is yesterday, I told my wife how sometimes the most difficult days are the days that I feel happy.  I told her that I know it sounded weird, but because I have spent a large majority of my life associating all emotions with porn that I have struggles dealing with porn on days that I am genuinely happy.  Because I told her that, she didn't leave me alone in the house at all yesterday, and I'll be honest it pissed me off, it aggravated me so bad and I tried to piss her off so that she would leave me alone, but she didnt.  I am so thankful for that because if it wasn't for her staying on top of me I would have very likely relapsed.  I tell you all this because you can have a similar relationship with someone.  Just choose one person to be honest with about your issue, and tell them you will let them know when you are feeling like using porn.  Something really important I learned from my dad who also struggles with porn is that you do not have to overcome this alone, and it is actually very unlikely that you will overcome it alone.

hershey1989

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Re: My (hopeful) journey to Freedom
« Reply #16 on: November 29, 2015, 06:32:37 PM »
Hey freedom2015, thanks for that post man.  It's quite uplifting.

I actually haven't been on here for the past few days as I'm busy looking for a job and that involves traveling.  My no fap + no porn plan has also gone to dogs.

But I'm here to start over again.  This time I'll have to be more cautious and set some emergency measures.