Author Topic: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"  (Read 47223 times)

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Day 1: Here we go!

Hello! I'm 23; I come from a divided household. My mother cheated on my father and left the family (ruining the other cheaters' family in the process) in response to his emotional infidelity. This is relevant because my first exposure to hardcore pornography was when I was roughly eight years old. It was on our old computer because my father has homosexual tendencies and he had been downloading extremely explicit, gay material. I deleted the porn because, at the time, I thought I somehow accidentally got a virus on our computer from downloading an online game. Consequently, I went years believing that I was the one who corrupted our PC.

I didn't actively seek out or watch pornography until a couple years after that, though. I was probably somewhere around 14 when it started to rear its ugly head. It started out with graphically explicit games on my laptop and moved up from there. Some of my earliest memories are of my grandfather touching me inappropriately, but I'm not sure how much this has contributed to my current situation. It doesn't consciously affect me, anyway. But who knows? People say I'm eccentric; maybe this addiction is partially a byproduct of my upbringing, not that I'm using it as an excuse or as a deflection tool. I still hold myself accountable because at the end of the day, it has ultimately been my choice to use. 

Regardless of all that, I've felt myself slipping recently. I typically go six months at a time without viewing explicit material (written, pictures or otherwise). Recently, though, I've been very depressed because of my desire for companionship. I've never believed in sex before marriage because that's what the Bible teaches, so my mind has betrayed me in a sort of oxymoronic paradox. This is a problem because anytime I see romantic relationships, I explode into a violent rage on the inside - not necessarily because of envy or on reflection of my immediate family situation - I think it's important that I emphasize that I hate the concept of marriage and everything associated with it. I don't like feeling abandoned by my friends once they're married (who does?) etc. etc.

But! I try to conform myself as closely as I possibly can to what's right, not what I personally think is right. 

I generally fill my time productively! I'm learning Japanese and how to play piano. I learned some flamenco guitar. I pray, study, write (a lot of personal writing, poetry, stories, everything) and exercise. Other than these, I fill my time with the usual quasi-useful common activities such as browsing Youtube, playing video games, and learning generally useless things. These are also how I ease my anxiety/quell my stresses. 

I have a lot of little triggers, again the usual things, so I try not to stay on the computer for too long. My most pronounced trigger probably has to do with my perceived lack of intimacy. Some of my peers have already found a marriage partner - but I've just been static for what feels like my whole life. I'm a fast learner, but slow to progress.

And I know it's all common issue for someone my age--this feeling of being frozen in place. I have a job so that I can pay rent to my single father, I volunteer, and as stated before, I endeavor to better myself as an individual, but it's never enough.

So, this is me trying to jump a hurdle that has been a thorn in my side, burrowing under my flesh for many years. I've tried to quit before, but you know the story.

As of today, I'm mostly clean, though, I had a bit of a slip-up because I read part of a romance novel - which is what prompted me to officially post on Reboot Nation. Didn't M or O to it.
Final thing to note: I don't have any known physical problems from my past usage. I'm preventing that from ever happening.

I'm extremely thankful for this website, for knowing there are many other people going through something similar, and for all of the help and support I've received - and am going to receive - from everyone who has extended an olive branch to me, whether out of obligation, or a willing spirit.

 

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2015, 01:20:04 AM »
Day 2

Earlier today I was looking up anime wallpapers for my computer desktop when I happened upon a bad photo - I clicked the red X in the corner of Firefox, so I'm a little proud of myself, though, I can't help but wonder if I was subconsciously drifting to a place where I knew there would be a likelihood of seeing something I shouldn't. The anime/gaming community is very erotically toxic, and I should have known better. At the end of the day, my twitter feed popped up an account that had tempting screenshots of dirty conversations, but I did the same thing and clicked out before it resonated with me. I felt a little disappointed again that I missed the opportunity to completely shun it, however, I am proud that I didn't continue to read.
I think, as soon as I can this week, I'm going to explain this reboot thing to my confidant and get his assistance.
I helped a bible student today! He's really taken a liking to our study, so I have that to be proud of.

Overall, great day, a little emotionally drained because of my overthinking.

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2015, 10:04:53 PM »
Day 3

I've begun to realize how toxic people can be. Today, something I read made me very sad inside, and I cried out of frustration.

Sensitivity is necessary when discussing these sorts of issues. Be kind to one another.

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2015, 12:38:56 PM »
Day 1: New Journal

I wiped my account because I thought I could continue on my own, boy that was foolish  :P

I messed up last night, PMO'd for the first time in nearly a month and a half. I'm a little angry at myself, a little more ashamed still. I've been under a lot of pressure this past couple weeks and I guess I let it get to me. But I know I can beat this!


I should type something witty down here.

My Journal:
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=6955.75

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #4 on: November 07, 2015, 02:35:04 AM »
Still Day 1


I had to post a second time because I need to vent. I've written several pages of poetry today, almost exclusively on the topic of the things I hate in life - minus one page, which was randomly extremely positive. That singular page focused on my end goal, and when I get there. I've found that green tea helps my concentration, so I think I'm going to purchase a lot of Matcha from now on. I'm going to win! 


I should type something witty down here.

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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2015, 01:43:25 PM »
Day 2: Morning

Last night I almost watched P, but backed out of it and went to bed. I couldn't sleep, so I took it out in my own self-abuse several times - I didn't fantasize, which is a relatively new experience for me. I'm happy I didn't cave to viewing, but I didn't feel good, physically or mentally. This morning, I woke up unexpectedly early, 8:00 even though I didn't sleep 'til somewhere around 2.

I'm having a tough time adjusting my sleep schedule, for obvious reasons. This hopes to be a good day!


I should type something witty down here.

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AgnitioSano

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2015, 03:01:13 PM »
Way to stay strong my brother,  I havent been going without for very long but I know the first couple of days were the hardest so far.  My cravings were stupid bad the first few days.  Its okay though, we are all in this together.  The most important thing is that you stand back up each time you fall.  We are all in this together, dont for get that. I will be praying for you.

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #7 on: November 07, 2015, 06:31:13 PM »
Thanks dude! We got dis.  8)


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2015, 12:23:07 AM »
Okay, so just about on day 2 now.

I fell down again, so I was too ashamed to log on and post. But I picked myself up, and I created a list of positive things that I can use to educate my friend.

I can do this! 


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LeirTheFox

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #9 on: November 09, 2015, 10:53:53 AM »
Okay, so just about on day 2 now.

I fell down again, so I was too ashamed to log on and post. But I picked myself up, and I created a list of positive things that I can use to educate my friend.

I can do this! 

Don't feel ashamed to do it, man. It's good to use this journal as a way to commit to yourself, not only to PMO-related stuff, but to your life in general. It's good because it works like a "mind dump", and the more you post, the more you are commiting to the subjects you're posting.

Also, one thing that I read is that the more you bombard yourself with reasons to do it, the more you get motivated to do it. And since no-PMO is a action through via negativa (i.e.stopping to do instead of starting to do), it actually becomes more practical to do it -- of course, once you're on the right track.

So, go on! Keep telling about your day and what you've been seeing. It might give you insight to lots of other things :D
So here's a little feedback
You gotta wear them shoes


IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #10 on: November 10, 2015, 03:47:46 AM »
Going into day 3, I'm feeling a little battle-worn.
After my last slip up, I decided to do Hard Mode.


Let's do this!

(I had a lot more written down earlier, but I forgot to post it and I closed out of the browser. SIGH!  :P)


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #11 on: November 11, 2015, 01:48:27 AM »
Going into day 4

Hard mode didn't last past day 3, but I still haven't viewed any P. So far, my desire is gone for the most part - this is nothing new, it leaves and comes back on a regular basis. I debated whether or not I should buy Fallout 4 today, but I decided against it because it emulates my old behavior. I want nothing to do with my old life. I started training my overweight friend today; You'd be surprised how many principles carry over from addiction to physical fitness haha.

Speaking of working out, I worked out super hard today, but I feel like what I ate offset the positive benefits. At least it wasn't too terribly bad!

I can keep this up!  ;D


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #12 on: November 12, 2015, 01:53:36 AM »
Going into day 5

My sense of loneliness was pretty strong today. I felt a lot of energy, but I mostly lack motivation to do anything. No desire to view, thankfully.

I'm just really empty feeling today; My focus and concentration were both through the roof, so I have that to be thankful for.


I can do this! Just gotta keep going.


I should type something witty down here.

My Journal:
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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #13 on: November 12, 2015, 01:57:48 PM »
Update:

Just before bed I almost fell off the wagon, I looked at some bad stuff. I didn't pmo completely, but I did lose my self-control, turned off my phone and self-abused. Old habits, man oh man. The dumbest part about it was that I felt like I didn't even need/want it, but I went there out of curiosity because I was exposed to the site on Day 2. I was annoyed with myself, but the first thing I did after I messed up was go and read the Bible, where I reminded myself that even Peter failed to completely shield himself from temptation and he let people down. However, he got back up and became a mighty force to be reckoned with. Knowing this helped me to maintain my focus on the end goal and not the slip.


I'm pushing through, I know I can do this!


I should type something witty down here.

My Journal:
http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?topic=6955.75

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #14 on: November 14, 2015, 02:30:11 AM »
Day 6!

Not too shabby. I really should ditch Starcraft on account of the fact that it makes me an angry person. No desire to pmo today!

I feel good overall.


I should type something witty down here.

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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2015, 06:36:52 PM »
8 days in and I'm doin' great.

I am a little irritated. Sex is used to advertise everywhere. Be conscious to it.
« Last Edit: November 15, 2015, 06:38:27 PM by IAdmitItIHaveAProblem »


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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #16 on: November 17, 2015, 07:01:07 PM »
Day 10.......

Feeling good, tired. My brain has been fighting me pretty hard on trying to get its way. I'm lonely again, a little depressed. I lack motivation to do some of the things I need/like to do. Inferiority complex is knocking on my door again. Feel like I'm being melodramatic. I just have to remind myself of these stepping stones on the path to success.


I should type something witty down here.

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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #17 on: November 21, 2015, 01:29:46 AM »
Day 13

I ran out of green tea, never realized how tired I am without it!

Meanwhile, I'm typing on here because I've been having a hard time keeping my thoughts clean.


I should type something witty down here.

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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #18 on: November 23, 2015, 05:16:33 PM »
Day 15

Last night, I was so angry. I was angry at life in general, but more specifically, I was angry at myself. I didn't do anything wrong, no P, it was just feeling angry at life. I keep thinking about past mistakes I've made with people. Wallowing in the past does nothing - I know this consciously, but sometimes, as hard as you fight it, you beat yourself up.

Still no green tea. 


I should type something witty down here.

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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #19 on: November 24, 2015, 01:45:10 PM »
Day 16

Today is really difficult, I'm probably going to be straining to keep myself busy. I have the day off, minus this evening, so I have the rest of the day to kill (which causes trouble). I'm probably going to write a lot and work out at some point during the day. I'll keep this updated.


I should type something witty down here.

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AgnitioSano

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #20 on: November 24, 2015, 03:38:31 PM »
Keep strong my brother, this too shall pass one day.  I know empty days are the hardest for me too, its so tempting when your bored and it gets harder to ignore your triggers.  Congratulations on making it past two weeks by the way, thats awesome.  I will be praying for you, we are all in this together.

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #21 on: November 24, 2015, 07:47:13 PM »
Update:

Thanks, dude.  I appreciate it!

I wound up doing what I set out to do, work out and write. Plus my tea came in the mail! :D


I should type something witty down here.

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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #22 on: November 30, 2015, 08:06:14 PM »
Day 23:

I've been just super lonely, angry, depressed, blah blah the works etc. No pmo, just really, really down this week for several reasons. First, I might have to put my dog down. He's been unable to function like he used to after his seizures, and I'm not sure he's gonna bounce back this time. Second, third and fourth are all problems I'd rather not post on the internet, surprisingly.

In the end, I just feel like nobody really believes in me, and the few who do are far away and/or I can't talk to them.


I should type something witty down here.

My Journal:
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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #23 on: December 03, 2015, 05:47:41 PM »
Day 25

I was on twitter today exploring a little bit when I stumbled upon a spam account with a mildly dirty picture on it. I stared a little before turning my head and clicking out. Went directly here to journal. Frustrated, but overall happy I didn't go further.


I should type something witty down here.

My Journal:
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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

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Re: "Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"
« Reply #24 on: December 07, 2015, 04:25:57 PM »
Day 29

Almost a month! Excited for that. Difficult, yes. But totally worth it in the end. People are sick. You can see that fact on any social media platform, but what will YOU do? How will you react when you stumble across junk? Nah, man. I'm tired of it all. So, I'm posting here today to dump all over what my body wants versus what I want.


I should type something witty down here.

My Journal:
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