Author Topic: I can see the light  (Read 1974 times)

umbrelladuck

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 20
    • View Profile
I can see the light
« on: November 01, 2015, 03:18:15 PM »
Hi everyone!
I'm a 22 year old male trying to break this addiction to porn and masturbation. It's taken away so much from me.
This is something that I want to break the chains of once and for all. I know I can do it, I just need the final push.
I started looking at sexual material at age 12 summer before 8th grade. High speed porn was definitely a thing. I was so ashamed and it held me down for years. I wouldn't even stand up to it, I admitted defeat and when the urge came on I gave in every. single. time.
I lost all confidence I had with girls and deemed myself unworthy of any girls love or affection.
To fill this void I became obsessed with certain actresses and would only watch their videos. I needed some kind of female connection and I thought this was the best thing I could get. I thought I was in control by picking and choosing the videos but I realized I was a coward. My lustful desires were controlling me and I was willing to let them drag me around and be indulged whenever they pleased. I started to realize it was a serious problem when I began lusting and fantasizing after any girl and basically only saw them as play toys for me and only me to enjoy. One of them was my best friend's Mom (who I've known since I was 1 and basically helped raise me). I felt so sickened by it!!! :-[ It was as if I was lusting after my own Mom!! :-[ I was so ashamed and this held me in place for years. It wasn't until about my Junior or Senior year of high school I was able to stop these desires. I still have bits of shame from it to this day  :-\
I began to watch videos that played into this fantasy so I could live it out and I still gravitate towards this. It has the most pull over me. Even actresses that look like my friends mom. It seems to be deep in my core of acceptance in women and I have been somehow convinced that this will fulfill me. It never has and it never will.
It wasn't until I was 19 that I started trying to make things happen with girls although it was a slow process.
I became motivated to clean up my act when I began to become interested in real girls and desire to have a real face to face relationship. I went 103 days without looking at porn and/or masturbating in spring 2014!!! My longest streak That summer I binged hard but maintained a hope. I realized this summer that I was actually addicted and I needed to approach it in such a way. I have a hard time breaking habits and have an obsessive addictive personality so breaking this is tough but I want my life back. It feels like I'm breaking up with some crazy girlfriend who I know is no good for me yet I still go back to her because i miss it and don't want to be alone. I know I'm so close, I just get lazy and fall back into old habits too often.


umbrelladuck

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 20
    • View Profile
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #1 on: December 11, 2015, 05:38:28 PM »
Been having mood swings and it's been tough. Last week I was having a lot of depression symptoms and felt hopeless but not really any urges. This week its been much better emotionally but so many urges and temptations. AHHHH
Last few nights I've just been typing in my favorite actresses names in google then quickly closing out of the window saying, "I can't do this." It's felt like I'll never be over them. I was looking pretty desperate as I spent an hour trying to get by the k9 filter. Each time stopping myself or looking away only to find myself at the computer a few minutes later.
I was thinking, If someone was able to watch me right now how sad would this look? Pretty pitiful in my opinion.
The K9 filter works well, but it still doesn't help to dwell on the old girls I've become so attached to in the past and keeping them in my brain. I found a way around my phone's filter so that is a problem but I didn't look at anything. I'm on day 40 I'm pretty sure and it's rough. I wonder if I'll ever get out of this. When I can look back and say "Wow I'm glad that's no longer in my life!" I've been thinking "Can't I just have one more hit?" Its sad how much I've turned to porn over the years to fill so many voids in my life that it was never qualified to do. 
Now that I just finished finals yesterday and I don't have a job for the break, it's going to be difficult to keep busy and motivated. Whenever I get the craving to look at it, nothing else seems worth doing. I don't start winter Quarter until January so I got a little over three weeks and it's a little daunting. Breaks are always killer for me so I don't want to fall into that same old pit again.

umbrelladuck

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 20
    • View Profile
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #2 on: December 14, 2015, 04:38:16 PM »
Just messed up last night. I was able to get by my filter on the computer and it was like bad old times haha.
I was able to resist temptation 20 minutes afterwords but that's usually the worst for me. Typically when I mess up I like to stay in the hole with the dumb logic that, If i'm already down here I might as well stay a while and Ill binge on it till the cows come home. Or i feel completely abused and empty. I've never used porn in my life. Not once, it has used me. I've let it become a stronghold in my life and be something that I come running to on a whim or just a bit of interest. Last night is over, I have a new day today and I know I'm forgiven. This isn't easy but it's hard to think "This Will Pass" in the moment. It has felt like I'm depriving myself of all joy but that is not true. Just my brain being dumb. This will pass and I will see the light and the day when I can look back and go, "Man I'm glad that's not in my life!" I will keep updates as needed. I've had an accountability partner and that has been helping so we'll see what steps to take after the filter issue. It didn't help that I was cheating by basically looking at suggestive material leading up to it. It's not helpful or nourishing in any way to have that crap floating around in my brain and I've seen that patern too many times where that leads to more and more until BAM I'm at my old favorite sites. Even though I've felt kinda crappy the past few weeks, low emotional energy the flatline and mood swings and even my arch nemesis depression. I was feeling a lot more motivated and trying to do things in my life. I pray that doesn't stop me after getting a lot of porn last night. 

umbrelladuck

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 20
    • View Profile
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #3 on: December 15, 2015, 07:23:23 PM »
Whenever I relapse, I relapse hard. So last night and today i've looked at P
Throwing off my sleep schedule even more. (I stayed up till 3 or 4 the past couple nights).
I was really bored with it today and that's when I usually stop binging hard so hopefully I stop!
Even though I was unamused with watching P, I kept going to it as if I owed it my life.
I just don't seem to care after i PMO once, no matter how stale it gets.
I feel like I cant function like a normal human being without having a PMO.
But I cant function like a normal human being because I'm addicted and nothing else in life seems to sparkle.
It's awful.
I have hope and I know that this is not what I was made for.
best to keep fighting, lose the battle but win the war.


umbrelladuck

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 20
    • View Profile
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #4 on: December 16, 2015, 04:25:36 PM »
Welllll it's been 4 days that I've relapsed now.
Really struggling here
My phone is a big obstacle. I should probably put K9 on it.
I think it really comes down to how bad do I want my freedom?
Right now I don't really seem to care

baller1995

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 14
    • View Profile
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2015, 05:55:36 PM »
UmbrellaDuck, you've got such optimism! I admire how much courage you have! Don't give up man! Do care! Don't let it get a hold of you! Remember, we all can do this! It's a mind over matter thing. We've got go through this shit, and hell like nobody's business. We're all here for one another - don't stop walking! Love you bro!

umbrelladuck

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 20
    • View Profile
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #6 on: December 16, 2015, 06:02:34 PM »
thanks Baller! That means a lot.

umbrelladuck

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 20
    • View Profile
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #7 on: December 17, 2015, 10:31:44 PM »
Day 1 I was gone all day, visiting a friend coming back from Eurpoe. I think getting out of the house helped a lot. I'm going to see the new Star Wars tonight so that's not going to help my sleep schedule. Going home for the break tomorrow and hoping I can adjust to getting up earlier and having a schedule. Went for a run yesterday and felt better. Been tempted in my mind but pretty minimal. I confront it and dismiss it immediately.
I'm trying to pray more throughout the day which has been helped a lot in the past.
This should continue better than ever soon enough.

ironman2015

  • Guest
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #8 on: December 18, 2015, 10:42:45 AM »
yeah, after 5 ejaculations in three consecutive days.
you should relax and have fun, and eat lots of healthy food to recover from the loss in the body.
take good rest.
take food a lot.

umbrelladuck

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 20
    • View Profile
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #9 on: December 18, 2015, 06:00:13 PM »
Well I woke up and tried to resist but fell into looking at some images using my phone.
and let me tell ya...it was quite unsatisfactory!!
Do I really want this for the rest of my life? I hope not.
Morale is low but I know I can keep going and try to get over this.
The problem is, I don't feel like I've been trying all that much.
I hated the flat line and the depression but this isn't gonna be worse.
Gotta remind myself the truth of this terrible thing I've given my life to for so long.

ironman2015

  • Guest
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #10 on: December 18, 2015, 07:25:09 PM »
don't be so depressed, its okay.
after a great streak, you have hit bottom hard.
its time to get back on top again.
take a full breath, and relax and then start a new journey.

ironman2015

  • Guest
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #11 on: December 19, 2015, 12:57:38 PM »
so now you are close to day 1.
enjoy the first victory.
you are ejaculating too much, it means you are pushing yourself too much,
you need to calm yourself and relax.
with willpower , mental focus and concentration start the reboot again with full determination.
you will get a good stretch again.
keep moving buddy.

umbrelladuck

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 20
    • View Profile
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #12 on: December 21, 2015, 01:24:01 AM »
Thanks, IronMan.

Closing in on 3 days. Doesn't feel like I've been tempted much, but I've been able to push any lustful or leading thoughts out of my head.
Small victories, day after day. That's all I need.
http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0
I read this article a couple days ago and really liked how this guy explains a reboot. It's not just abstaining.
Building a new life is necessary to rebooting properly, not just refusing to look at porn. We have to replace it.
So I'm starting to not count the days by what I didn't look at, but what I wanted to do.
Today I wanted to go on a run but that never materialized. Still catching up on sleep from finals and generally decompressing.
I am going to study over the break so I'm making a schedule with my goals on it and sticking to it. 

umbrelladuck

  • Member

  • Offline
  • *

  • 20
    • View Profile
Re: I can see the light
« Reply #13 on: December 23, 2015, 05:48:01 PM »
Had a really productive day yesterday, but last night I gave in to a voice in my head.
I knew what i was getting myself into but went along with it anyways.
PMO'd then shortly after looked at it again.
Just gonna power through and move on like i should
So today I've been productive too. Gonna go practice piano.