Author Topic: One day I'll have my name in shining lights!  (Read 1965 times)

ZivaDavid

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One day I'll have my name in shining lights!
« on: October 31, 2015, 04:22:03 AM »
This is such a relief for me,  finding this site.  I have close friends,  none of which I can reveal my addiction to.  I'm 22 and have been a porn addict since I was 10.

The hardest thing for me is I am Christian,  so I feel like I cant turn to anyone for help in fear of judgement.  Both from Christians,  and from my atheist friends who have nicknamed me "virgin mary"

My addiction started when I saw a flyaway page from a magazine when walking home from school.  It was  naked female.  WHen I first saw it through it away. But that night,  my world changed. I thought about the picture and I felt different.

Since then I have struggled with pornography in all its sence.  I have always been imaginative,  so even when I was too afraid to Google body parts I could imagine.  At 12 a found fanfiction,  and with it Erotica.  I found I became VERY addicted to it,  and the more  I read the less guilty and disgusted I felt when looking at the pictures....

I've come to a place that if I dont get help I will do something I will regret.  My future career depends on getting better.  Because my last two pornographic web searches scare the living day lights out if me

As for the title of my post....  My go to option when feeling withdrawl is to write a book about a girls struggle with pornography,  and trying to get the word out.  (its fictional with facts in it) I have promised myself once I am clean,  I can publish my book.  I will not be a hypocrit at the alter


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So I haven't written in a long time for various reasons, but this sight has always been on my mind. I haven't looked at much porn since I last logged, but boy did my fantasies ramp up! It's horrible, not being able to control lingering thought. I don't feel guilty perse, I just feel let down. I wish I could be honest with someone, but my mum is going through some issues with my dad being into porn and there is no-one else I can truly confide in. I sometimes wonder if my family can do it together, but then I am a female and the others who struggle are both males (Father & Brother) and I am scared this may just make our struggle worse. I know the guys don't know about my addiction, but know of each others so its hard having people so close to me that could help, but can't. I just want to stop fantasising, because when I fantacize I MO and I just feel... blah!

XXXXXXXXXX. 

Again, gone for far too long.

Can't work out the barometer but hey.

I struggle a lot with fantasy. As you can probably see. Its hurting me more than porn I think :'( When I look at Porn I am always very cautious. The "wait for marriage" part of me doesn't want to look at men's bits, so I limit myself to females. I'm not a lesbian, but I find that female porn gratifies me a lot. It doesn't matter the size if I can get a look at b**bs I get off. Guy porn actually makes me feel sick and pretty much forget it. But in my fantasies I can use biology class lessons to know what I want. And the fantasies are getting darker creepier sadder. I feel so ashamed. I don't know how I came up with them in the first place. When I first started, it was only vanilla pics of b**bs, never venturing into videos, yet things like incest came to mind. I dont know where they came from and same with the ones now. If i use porn or erotica it is to look up what i first have been fantasizing about. I don't really know my triggers apart from boredom. And while Ming I have recently turned to using DIY toyS :'( SO HOPELESS
« Last Edit: July 22, 2016, 11:28:28 PM by ZivaDavid »

J

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Re: One day I'll have my name in shining lights!
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2015, 06:37:54 PM »
Hi Ziva,

You will be surprised by the amount of Christians that are addicted to porn. Check out Shelley Hitz and Shelley Ludden who are both women of faith that struggled with pornagraphy in their lives and now have ministries.

Sexual addiction is the #1 attack the enemy uses against the church and believers.

I am saying you are not alone.

There are many Christians here that post as well including myself.

No judgement.

You have taken the first step and there will be more steps but for now recognizing you have a problem and opening up about it.

What is it that you want to do in your career that you feel will affect you?



Nikola Numez

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Re: One day I'll have my name in shining lights!
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2015, 12:58:08 PM »
virgin mary hahahahaha  ;D ;D ;D they say when people give you nicknames that means they like you   :D :D :D
...my last two pornographic web searches scare the living day lights out if me
;D ;D ;D

sounds like your addiction is progressing. its totally realistic for you to quit no matter how far you stepped into it. just know what is coming. read and listen to basics of rebooting. be ready to feel like absolute piece of shit for some time. also urges may be strong and not fulfilling them may make you feel like a even smellier shit. its natural. you can do it. you are not alone, we are all in similar if not the same toilet and we are making it one after the another. just hop on the train, you are welcomed.

education is the ticket to your destination. educate yourself a lot about porn addiction and addiction in general. read, watch and listen to gary wilson, gabe deem and noah church among others. repeat what you know, repetition is learning. read some articles and watch some videos multiple times. go back to reviewing what you already read/heard. study the same subject from different angles. it all helps you break the cycle, see what is going on. it will not reduce the symptoms and urges but it will help you become more aware of them and go through them.

it would be awesome to open up about your problem. share it with everyone you can. you may discover that some of your friends are very supportive or are dealing with the same problem. try sharing it at least with the most trusted friend. if you cant its okay, you can still quit and live happily ever after.
« Last Edit: December 03, 2015, 01:00:05 PM by Numez »
My last relapse: 11. July. 2019

mtaha2015

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Re: One day I'll have my name in shining lights!
« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2015, 12:00:14 PM »
women have advantage over men.
women are less visually stimulant than men.

so you can heal yourself.