Let Go of a Fetish PART THREE

nigel

Member
10) Desire vs Dependency
Nobody can make that discernment other than you. Even if you never act out...and never touch anyone...I still maintain that if you are stuck on something, anything (a fetish or a constant fear of germs or anger etc) in the mind, then you are limiting yourself and your life. And therefore limiting your affect in the world- a world who needs people to be present and real.

So ask yourself gently, meditate, and get a notebook...

-is your urge and thinking desire?or dependence? We are creatures of desire but there is difference from the glow of desire to the seriousness and intensity of a dependency. Or does desire start that way?and turn right away into our fantasy? This is where you need to interrupt the process. Do it as soon as it begins. When you feel the change notice and breath and refocus away willingly. Despite the urge to follow the thread in your mind. You have been there and you know where it leads.

-Is there an intensity and frequency of thoughts and feelings that are WAY out of proportion to a foot or pair of stockings or whatever. Most guys would say "hell yeah ...I like feet" but that means nothing to you if you are obsessed by them. It?s like an alcoholic seeking comfort hearing friends yelling "woo-hoo "I love to party" so he can say well see its normal. NormaL is not even helpful. Is it functional? Or dysfunctional? THOSE are the questions.

-Are you the driver ?...or have you become "the driven." What percentage of your day or at least your time with a women does this play out? I measured mine 10 years ago and it was frightening!, now it is very small(but it can grow fast temporarily if I feed it)

11) Give it Space
By practicing/focusing on a fetish it can grow...and by alarming/shaming yourself and walling it off-you are also feeding it. When it arises...do nothing. Don't even judge that this is "bad" as that is just another thought. Watch it pass . Feel the uncomfortableness and the urging. Feel it as it you would watch a storm pass. Get curious about the discomfort. Do this 5000 times and what happens is an expansion...a miracle...it gets downgraded, and that energy gets put in all other areas of your life. a vitality occurs.

This downgrading/weakening is not because you told it to go... or ordered it away...or indulged it...or "out-thought" it...but because you stared right at it and accepted it (all aspects about it)...and did not react - but you responded to it doing something different. Or if you reacted you watched that too...and said "wow there I go reacting" but observing. Do this 5000 times and make it a practice giving it up, and "you will be unhooked." You will feel spacious as if someone put an oxegen mask over you.

Do nothing. Give It Nothing, so there is nothing to build on. Like you trying to punch air or climb a greased wall. You are not attempting to change the fetish but rather change your relationship to it?then the who damn thing shifts.
Use daily triggers to fantazise or indulge in fantasy or porn as ways to wake up and give up more. use them as fuel ...to now give up willingly and thus fill the wonderful warmth of becoming aware- of living!

12) Not a moral issue. None of above is a moral issue. There is no finger wagging. This is s human struggle to be loved and secure. It?s about Truth and illusion. Or Reality and symbol. Or presence versus an idea of what it should be. Nobody can complete you-not your wife, mom, children or a Porche. Not pantyhose or rubber. Or a blowjob. Only your spirit which is true, core freedom. THEN these all can be added as bonuses if they arise, and if they do not that is fine too. Or if they do and they take over and drown out your spirt then you have permission to give them up. You will only gain as you are full already. You are allowed to want things?but this is different from the yearning of completion and the demand that she do these things to make you happy.



 

Philgood63

Active Member
Great and helpful post, Nigel ! Thanks so much for it. That was really what i needed to read right now, for it gave me hope and strength, and most of all really accurate and true analysis of this addictive pattern. That really helps whan you cn understand deeply what you fight. Thanks again Nigel !
 
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